Hi,

Turns out, I am pregnant,, in my 8th week now,, but the prob is,, I am not sure I want to keep it...
I have a 4 year old who just started school and he invested all our savings on her,, a huge chunk of my husband's salary goes into home loan and he is the only bread earner of our family... I do all the work at home since we can't hire a maid or a nanny,, I even drop my kid to school and pick up,, school is 7kms from home...

Now that m pregnant, I donno what to do. Even now, m picking and dropping my kid, wonder how I'l manage in the 3rd trimester and after delivery. Who will pick and drop my kid?
How do I arrange for the hospital charges for delivery? Even if I manage somehow, how do I take care of home, family etc initially? My mom promised to come and stay with me if I got pregnant again, but now, all of a sudden she says otherwise,, said she can't just quit her job and come,, we are not so stable financially that I can hire help... husband is busy most of the time and he doesn't help at all,,

I have been thinking and it's confusing me a lot,, should I keep or opt for abortion? Given my financial status and the situation at home, I feel its better to ot abortion but my heart says NO,,

Please help me decide,, what do I do?

Only you know what you can handle emotionally, physically, financially - we would all be guessing.

The decision to abort or not abort is yours. What does the father say?

What does your religion - if you have one - say?

Whatever you decide I'd find a dependable method of birth control for both of you - that way you won't have to worry about your responsibilities for your "kid."

Just for the record lots of mothers manage on one salary without a maid or other help.

Only you know what you can handle emotionally, physically, financially - we would all be guessing.

The decision to abort or not abort is yours. What does the father say?

What does your religion - if you have one - say?

Whatever you decide I'd find a dependable method of birth control for both of you - that way you won't have to worry about your responsibilities for your "kid."

Just for the record lots of mothers manage on one salary without a maid or other help.

My husband is supportive of any decision I take,, he left it on me since I will be the one taking care of the baby if I birth it and I should be able to cope emotionally if I decide to abort it,, my religion has no say in it,,
I am very confused,,
Financially we are in a huge mess,, hence m confused,,
I am unable to make the decision on my own,, I feel burdened...

I said I can't manage because I take my daughter to school on my own, I don't drive, we don't have a car,, I ride her to school,, how do I manage after delivery? How to I take my daughter to school and back? I can manage the rest, cooking, cleaning, washing etc,, I tried looking for carpool,, didn't find any,,

Can you homeschool your daughter? Is there a school that is closer to the one she is in? (Are you in a rural area?)

We had a four-year-old son and a new house and bills, and I had a husband who didn't help at home because of his working so much. I got pregnant, but keeping the second child was not an issue. I learned to be a good money manager, and the second child turned out to be the same gender as the first, so baby supplies/clothes were not a problem since the second child used all of what the first one had used. I finally learned to drive when the second child was three, and we were able to buy a cheap used car for me.

Is there a similar way you can manage keeping this baby? Do your circumstances mean mean you will never have more than one child? What is the "finanacial mess" you are in?

Can you homeschool your daughter? Is there a school that is closer to the one she is in? (Are you in a rural area?)

We had a four-year-old son and a new house and bills, and I had a husband who didn't help at home because of his working so much. I got pregnant, but keeping the second child was not an issue. I learned to be a good money manager, and the second child turned out to be the same gender as the first, so baby supplies/clothes were not a problem since the second child used all of what the first one had used. I finally learned to drive when the second child was three, and we were able to buy a cheap used car for me.

Is there a similar way you can manage keeping this baby? Do your circumstances mean mean you will never have more than one child? What is the "finanacial mess" you are in?

Like I mentioned before, we spent all our savings on our daughter's school,, if we take her out of the school it's a huge loss to us,, we didn't plan to have another child,, hence decided to spend everything into giving her good education... schools that are close to our apartment charge even more than what we are paying at present,,

Financial mess is that husband has too many loans,, home loan takes almost 50% of his take home salary,, then there is his education loan which he took to study MBA,, he is also repaying loans taken by his parents,, we live a budgeted life,, and even a small change makes a lot of difference to us,,
We are in this mess because his parents failed to pay their loan and didn't mention until we bought an apartment,, had they mentioned before, we wouldn invest in our apartment,,

I think you have decided to abort this child - do you need someone to listen to you?

You can't get any of the tuition back from the 4 year old's school?
Are you in such a bad school area that she can't go to school for free?
How do you 'ride' her to school if you don't have a car?

I'm not debating sides. You are the only one who can decide and I don't want you to feel guilty if you abort.

Joy, I see changing schools for the child, getting a second job, wife getting a job (even part time), combining loans, getting first job that pays better, selling apartment and buying/renting something else at less money.

I think, however, that OP has her mind made up.

She plans to terminate. That is, of course, her choice.

I am somewhat troubled about the "not being able to hire a maid" comment - I don't have a maid and I don't feel like I'm sacrificing anything.

I am somewhat troubled about the "not being able to hire a maid" comment - I don't have a maid and I don't feel like I'm sacrificing anything.
The OP is from a part of the world where maids and nannies are not uncommon.

I had 4 babies, no help, husband always off working or drinking, and a broke down car, sometimes no car, lived on a thousand dollars (which included foodstamps) total. Many times walked my kids a mile up and down steep hills to get to school and doctors. Appts. As Judy said I think you have your mind made up that you want to abort because the thoughts all too overwhelming.

It is easier to understand a question (and, of course, this is an international site) when the location is posted. I thought perhaps not American, perhaps Islam, that's why I asked about religion.

But, again, it is difficult at least for me to put myself in the shoes of someone who cannot afford a nanny when I am well aware how some members, on occasion including myself, have struggled to make ends meet. The OP does not work but does all the work at home and takes her child to school - just like thousands of other women.

Perhaps asking for a person's location should not be offensive - I have asked and had my head chopped off.

Perhaps asking for a person's location should not be offensive - I have asked and had my head chopped off.
And I probably sinned in saying as much as I did, but yes, her location and her culture make a huge difference in how she views her situation as compared to how Westerners would ("I do all the work at home"). I would fight tooth and nail to get back at least some of the school tuition (ALL of it was paid already?).

Why not give the baby up for adoption? No one has discussed this topic. And for the first couple Weeks after delivery talk with your daughters school and see if some kind of home study could be arranged until you are able to walj her to school again. There is always a better optiin then killing an innocent baby not his/her fault you didn't prevent this fron happening.

Why not give the baby up for adoption? No one has discussed this topic. And for the first couple Weeks after delivery talk with your daughters school and see if some kind of home study could be arranged until you are able to walj her to school again. There is always a better optiin then killing an innocent baby not his/her fault you didnt prevent this fron happening.

Being from another country, not sure what all her options would be. Hopefully she comes back and gives us a little more explanation on what is available and what isn't.

Why not give the baby up for adoption? No one has discussed this topic. And for the first couple Weeks after delivery talk with your daughters school and see if some kind of home study could be arranged until you are able to walj her to school again. There is always a better optiin then killing an innocent baby not his/her fault you didnt prevent this fron happening.
She said she can't afford the hospital charges. She didn't mention prenatal care costs, or even if she will be going to an OB .She "rides" her child to school (on a bike?) and wonders how she will do that once the baby arrives..

The pregnancy is her biggest problem right now.

I think you have decided to abort this child - do you need someone to listen to you?

I have a lot of people to listen,, but no one to give an opinion or an idea...

How can we give good opinions if you don't answer half our questions?
Abortion is a very personal choice, and it is clear from the way you wrote that you are in conflict. It would be wrong for each of us to just vote yay or nay and would serve no purpose. You have stated your financial and logistical reasons to abort, and end with 'my heart says NO.' Please answer our questions if you want help.

Everyone here has listened - we can't make this decision for you.

If you decide to abort, who will pay for that?

"There is always a better optiin then killing an innocent baby not his/her fault you didnt prevent this fron happening."

This is a religious opinion with which I might or might not agree. It does not answer the question, and it is judgmental. Not everyone shares your beliefs, and this is not the forum to argue abortion.

I have NOT decided to abort the baby,, like I mentioned, my Heart says NO,, I wrote to you, to ask for ideas on how I can manage. I am well educated, I have an MBA in Industrial Management but since I quit job 6 years bac, I am unable to find another. If at least I could find a job, I would have managed somehow. I would be able to hire a maid to take care of my child, while I worked. Here in India, corporates do not accept a gap more than 2 years.
Your culture is different than mine. So please do not mention waitress and jobs alike. My family will not accept that.
I am from India and even though maids are common here, it is common in households who can afford it. Not for someone who has financial problems. We were well settled before. Like I mentioned, my husband is paying my in-laws' loan and hence we are in this financial mess.
We thought of selling the house, but the builder has not yet given the OC and hence selling the apartment is not an option.
Schools here charge a certain amount as admission fees, which is a one time payment. Since we had no plans of having another baby so soon, we invested all our savings into her education. We made sure that we send her to a school which we can afford. We pat the tution fees in 4 instalments. If I remove my child from the school the admission fees that we paid is gone. It's non-refundable since she is already admitted and is going to classes. Also, if I decide to send her to schools near-by, which are walk-able, then I have to chip out more money for tution fees. Schools near our apartment are high maintenance.
I ride my daughter to school on a bike/scooty. I can ride her till the end of 2nd trimester. What do I do after that? I spoke to her principal, requesting them to finish her curriculum by the end of Jan (March 8 is my due date) so that I need not travel in the last month. He agreed. But for the next academic year, I need to arrange for her transportation. The new-born will be 3 months old. What do I do then? Who will drop and pick my daughter in dec/jan and next AY?

I have no relatives near by who can help. The only cousin who stays close to us travels most of the time. Hence I can't depend on him. I have no siblings in the same city. My brothers and sisters are in North India and I am in South. I fell in love with a South Indian. Hence my parents are not willing to help either.

Adoption is out of the question. I love kids... my problem is finance and unable to afford/acquire/find help.

I had some jewellery which I sold yday so I can afford the hospital bills. But that's not sufficient. Since I left home to be married, I made no jewellery for wedding. I hardly had any and whatever I had, I sold it. Husband's insurance will take care of 80% of the delivery charges. As for the rest, for any charges after birth, for the new-born's immunisation, injections, diapers, clothes etc, I have to make arrangements.

I am not in a situation where I can depend on fate. Unless I make arrangements, I cannot be sure of whether I can manage 2 kids. I want to give my child a good future. I do not want to birth a child and let fate take its course. I do not want to jeopardise one child's future because I am pregnant with another. I want to give my kids a future with good education, healthy food and all the comforts in the world, everything that my parents were unable to give because they were poor and had many children...

I had a horrible childhood. I never got anything that I wanted. I completed my MBA with my own money. I left home when I was 16 because my parents wanted to marry me since they could not feed me. Initially I worked as a maid in houses, earned enough to study in evening school. I gave tutions to neighbouring kids and then worked as a part-time teacher. I was fortunate that I made friends with a banker parent who processed my education loan and I was able to study MBA from a reputed institution. It was only after I got into a good job that I started sending money to my parents. They were nice to me until I decided my marry. I haven't spoken to my parents for 8 years now. Now is that the kind of future I want for my daughter?

Thank you. Sorry for putting you through this. One last background question (from me anyway): is the loan money you and your husband borrowed from your in-laws, or money they owe? Assuming it is what you borrowed, would you dare approach them for a smaller amount each month?
The dilemma becomes more clear as you write about your marriage, your culture, and your childhood. I can see how you want the best for any and all children you may have.

I had an abortion and had my tubes tied. I never had children. My childhood had a lot to do with my decision. As I look back, I sometimes wish this and that but overall am content with what I did. Few of us go through life without regret, but the key is to know when we are having opposing thoughts and weigh them over the course of time.

If you abort you may wonder who that child would have been, and if you have the child you may struggle and worry about recreating your childhood for two children of your own.

My advice is just another question: if today were the day (pretend it is) that you have to abort or it's too late, what is your answer? Can you pretend it is, because that day will come? Give yourself the answer, and be aware in that moment how you feel. Do you feel relief or regret? And can you talk about that moment here?

Joy, as always, has given comprehensive advice from her heart - advice which contains a lot of info on where and how she came from. Touching that she is so open and honest.

I come from another place. I cannot have children. Several miscarriages, hysterectomy at an early age.

That doesn't mean Joy and I disagree on these boards - we just come from different places.

I am the first to admit I do not understand the culture in/of India - not at all. I've posted questions asked, have never received any answers at all.

But I do not understand, if you don't have contact with your parents, if they won't/can't help you, if you had a bad childhood, why you say, " So plz do not mention waitress and jobs alike. My family wil not accept that."
What does it matter what your family will or won't accept? I went to law school. I waited tables, I worked as a costumed cocktail waitress, I helped a friend clean houses - I did what it took when I needed to put a roof over my head. No shame in honest work.

On the other hand, if an abortion is your choice for whatever reason, so be it -

Then the next question becomes birth control and preventing this personal anguish a second time - ?

JudyKayTee, as always, brings up questions I haven't thought of, and they are good ones.
Here we are, two women who like and respect each other, one who can't have children by choice and one by fate.
soni dot, I hope you appreciate our hearts out in the open here. I hope it helps in some way. I hope you respond!

Are you in such a bad school area that she can't go to school for free?

There are many areas of the world that you have to pay to go to school. Not all locations offer school for free like here in the US.

I am an Indian, and in India, family doesn't just mean You, your Husband and Kids,, it consists of your parents, your in-laws and everyone,, My parents are still unwilling to accept me. But my in-laws are my family and my husband and I are responsible for them. The loan I mentioned is the loan my in-laws took to buy an apartment, about the same time I got married. They never mentioned until the day my father in law retired and his pension was not enough to pay the loan and live on basic necessities. Hence my husband is paying a part of their loan, as well as ours.
When I mentioned my family won't accept me working as a waitress, I meant my in-laws. In india, if you want to work as waitress in a well recognised/dignified restaurants, you need to take up a course on Hospitality management,, as for waitress in pizza joints and alike, its considered to be very low jobs for educated people and my family won't accept that. Though we have financial problems, we come from a background where we are respected for what we do.
There are government schools which provide education for lesser costs,, but what's the point of taking my kid out of a good school, where I have already paid for her admission? I lose the admission fees... also, government schools here are so bad, I am not sure I'd like my daughter going there. Didn't u hear of more than 22 kids dying after consuming food in govt school?

I came here asking for help and not some kind of support to abort,, like I mentioned before,, my heart says NO,, if I did want to abort, what's the point in asking for help?

I would be devastated if I had an abortion,, I still have time,, I am trying to find some solution to my problem, so I can have this problem. We are trying to sell my in-law's apartment and buy a smaller one, so that the loan amount is reduced to such that they can afford to pay. Husband is trying to change job, jump for higher pay,, I am looking for part time job like Montessori day care teacher etc, where I can go when my child goes to school, it pays bad but at least it's enough for check ups and I can save the gold money for later. But once they realise I am pregnant, I might lose the job since I can't work for long term.

Excuse me but you didn't just 'come here asking for help and not some kind of support to abort.'
QUOTE: ".. should i keep or opt for abortion? given my financial status and the situation at home, i feel its better to ot abortion but my heart says NO,,, "
If you had already decided that your heart won, you should have said so.
And if the help you wanted was about your financial situation, you should have gone into more detail at the start, as you would to a financial consultant. I did have a feeling that you were obligated to the entire family. This just doesn't seem fair to me, but I am not Indian and it's not easy to understand.
I have been through poor times and comfortable times, but I always knew ways to be extremely frugal, and still practice them in my old age, even if I don't have to. You sound like you are doing all you can regarding cutting expenses and finding work (I would take a job without mentioning pregnancy, because employers fire at will and employees quit at will, and it's all just business). I often sell items I don't really need or clothes that don't fit me, on eBay. I have made thousands doing that, and sometimes do it for others on commission. Other than that, I am retired.
I'm not really sure what you are even asking from us now, now that you have made it clear that you are keeping the baby.

What's wrong if I want to follow my heart? In one hand you say m doing wrong by opting for abortion, when I feel like following my heart, you have something rude to say about that too...
Most people follow their heart,, when heart says otherwise, the mind tries to find a way to follow the heart,,
As of now, I have not decided anything yet,, I am trying to find ways to make a better future for my kid and the future kid if I decide to keep it. I have indeed thought of solutions, but not everything works,,
I am still unable to sell my in-laws house,,
Job market is down, and hence hubby is unable to find a suitable change in job,,
What little money I have with me is no enough once the baby comes... I never bought a crib or anything with my first born that I can use it again,, she slept in an old cradle in which my husband slept when he was born,, its tradition that I was forced to follow,, once she turned 4 months, she slept with us,, she still does,, there is no Law in India which doesn't let children sleep with parents... in fact, most hospitals ask mother and the baby to sleep together,, for stronger bond...
Now,, u might sell a lot of stuff on eBay,, u get enough buyers,, its not similar here, we do not buy anything in excess that there is a need to sell,, as for clothes,, once the fashion is out, we wear them at home until it tears, no point selling something that's torn,, any tight clothes I have, which are in good condition, I give to my sis-in-law,, and its passed on,, we don't believe in selling something which can be used by family,,

Given how you can misunderstand everything that's written here, I see no point in asking for suggestion...

Part of the issue here, is that they borrowed money with no way to pay it off, and now want son to pay the bill. That is not very responsible and why are they not looking at ways to earn more money. Looks like you should not care what they think or want, since this is partly their fault

Wow, you certainly twisted my words around. I will no longer respond.