jamesw123
Jul 12, 2013, 06:32 PM
Hello,
Sorry for the book in advance. I could use some insight, and I wanted to give a bit more nuance. My girlfriend and I just had our 2 year anniversary. I haven't had many long term relationships. It’s like I’ve lost the ability to know how I feel or how to set boundaries. She is one of the kindest, sweetest, people you’d ever meet. Every time I dwell on her negative traits (there are many) I swing back to her deeper characteristics that I admire, I am stuck. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not perfect, but it seems that I’m perfect in all the right ways for her, and she’s flawed in all the wrong ways for me. I do suffer a little from “not good enoughitis, bit of an overachiever type. My biggest fear is what if I make a mistake. I hate hurting people. It kills me.
The truth is that I’ve been let down in the relationship department. I’ve been obsessed with my career. And now that I’m ready to settle down, I feel like this relationship will be a constant work in progress. What if there is someone out there that’s better for me? What if soul mate exists just around the bend, and I’m settling for relationship that teeters on good to repulsive. It’s more good than bad, so I stay, but I am not ever in that mental commitment place. There are too many flags for me, but I don’t want to judge too quickly. I don’t know if I’m the one that’s messed up, or if it’s her, or we’re just not meant to be together, or if I should give it more time until I gain some clarity. I’m learning on the job here.
About 6 months ago, I tried to break up with her. I told her that I hit a wall in the relationship. I caught her by surprise. I’ve made references about things that I didn’t like, but no change. I didn’t want to put out the noose to hang herself, or wait for an angry moment, to leave. I told her that I wasn’t happy with the relationship. She fell to pieces. We went back and forth. We had a good talk. I was devastated. She asked if it was my life situation that was the real basis of my issues. I had legitimate issues. She said she wouldn’t change a thing about me. Uugh. She came to my door the next day crying. I broke. Here we are 6 months later. We’re together. It’s been a good six months.
a. She’s obsessive about work. She has the ability to suck the life out of me for 30 minutes, repeating things, slightly different wording, after I am a pile of ash, “how was your day?” I want to jump out the window. I’ve complained over and over again.
b. She has this obsessive quality. It’s not the ardent, spiritual, purpose filled obsession. It’s obsession over minutia. It’s the wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, obsessive, type of monotonous, control happy, routine loving, that gives her comfort, and really can be fingernails on chalkboard to me. She smothers things. Sometimes, I feel like she’s sucked up all the oxygen in the room, and I can barely breathe. It’s the fear that this feeling is back. I don’t like it. She’s going to talk me out of it.
c. Her cat should be number one on this list. This cat doesn’t like a living thing except her. I can’t believe how disruptive this cat has become. He wakes us up every time I sleep over. He hisses. She sleeps with the cat despite being allergic to the cat. She’s sniffling all night. Wherever I walk, I have to worry about this black cat coming out of nowhere and scaring the hell out of me in the pitch black dark of the night.
d. Imagine a beautiful girl. But, she has some physical issues. She has allergies. This girl has had a stuffy nose for 2 years, always an excuse. When I first met her, she was eating like 6th grader. Of course, she’s trying her best to mirror me now. I’ve been openly repulsed by her dietary choices and her lack of physical activity. She has asthma. She’s never been physical. She was never encouraged. She’s like a person that’s learning how to do things I feel are so basic. She can barely effectively rid e a bike!!
e. She’s really, really trying to open up and try new things, and my active presence inures to her benefit. I feel like I’m having to be the one to bring everything to the table in this relationship.
f. She used to buy thousands of dollars worth of clothes while doing all this on Jcrew, Anthro, etc. Her shopping kills me. It’s not high end stores. She’s getting healthy now. Of course now, her new obsession is Whole Foods. I don’t know if she’s trying to change because it’s genuine, or just to make me happy. It’s having the opposite effect on me. What’s wrong with me? The more she tries to change, the more I am repulsed by it for fear it’s not genuine ,and I’m being hoodwinked. After marriage, back to her old ways…..
g. I originally told her that I was appalled that a 34 year old was not registered to vote. She completely signs out when I start talking politics, history, or thinking about something other than her sphere of comfort. So, she registered to vote because I called her out. She is not political. She knows very little about history. She doesn’t really ready. I am an outdoor person. She’s never camped in her life. I really don’t know what the f*(&* I am doing with this girl.
On paper, we are just not a good fit. Why am I staying with her? What happened to me? Somewhere along the way, while I was obsessing about my career, I forgot how to set boundaries in my personal life. I don’t know what’s right and wrong. I always feel guilty. I try to give her soooooo much slack. Now I am confused, do I have the underlying psychological problem here? She’s kind. I just don’t think we’re soul mates. And now, I find myself probably getting aggravated at things that are unjustified. And when she might mess up a little, my reactions might start getting disproportionate.
I am afraid to make a mistake here. I don’t want to lose a good girl because no one will ever be good enough. Yet, I don’t want to compromise. I can’t deny these feelings of doubt in my heart.
I love her, but I don’t know if I’m in love with her, or that she’s the ONE. Am I just naïve, immature, and dealing with my own imperfections, so I can’t accept them in another person? I will be alone forever if that’s the case. I feel like I got it together.
She has substance, but there’s this cloud or aura of OCD, contracted, anxious, obsessive, fearful, energy—definitely not a free spirit. BUT, she is benefiting from my openness. She is fulfilled because I fill in all those things that she needs. But, I don’t feel like I am getting my needs fulfilled. I just I’d end up with someone else. I’m a bit disillusioned as my life would progressively get harder later down the road with bills, mortgage, kids, loss of youthful appearance. These are the easy days.
Is it my ego saying that I need someone smarter? And that I need someone more spiritual. And that I need someone that I don’t have to feel is going to be catching up my whole life. And that I need someone that stimulates me intellectually. My physical attraction is largely tied to being moved by someone. Her passions seem forced to me. I like plants. Plants are my new passion now. It seems formulaic, no poetry. Or should I wait for this bud to bloom. Eventually, we all have to invest in someone, including their shortcomings. What’s the line?
I don’t understand this girl. I almost broke up with her 6 months ago. . And now she talks about marriage almost every day, children references, “when we buy a house”, I am absolutely in pieces. I don’t want to hurt her. I also don’t want to make a mistake here and be short-sighted. It’s like I’m unconsciously hoping that she won’t change, and revert, so it will be easier for me to cut the cord. Why is that? I am not a coward. I might be a little perfectionist, tad narcissistic maybe, maybe have my own sense of lack that develops into an overcompensating seeking, achieving, for what’s behind door #2.
I understand I’m dealing with a person. I love this person. I would never want to hurt this person. But, I just can’t get clear on this…
Insights?
Sorry for the book in advance. I could use some insight, and I wanted to give a bit more nuance. My girlfriend and I just had our 2 year anniversary. I haven't had many long term relationships. It’s like I’ve lost the ability to know how I feel or how to set boundaries. She is one of the kindest, sweetest, people you’d ever meet. Every time I dwell on her negative traits (there are many) I swing back to her deeper characteristics that I admire, I am stuck. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not perfect, but it seems that I’m perfect in all the right ways for her, and she’s flawed in all the wrong ways for me. I do suffer a little from “not good enoughitis, bit of an overachiever type. My biggest fear is what if I make a mistake. I hate hurting people. It kills me.
The truth is that I’ve been let down in the relationship department. I’ve been obsessed with my career. And now that I’m ready to settle down, I feel like this relationship will be a constant work in progress. What if there is someone out there that’s better for me? What if soul mate exists just around the bend, and I’m settling for relationship that teeters on good to repulsive. It’s more good than bad, so I stay, but I am not ever in that mental commitment place. There are too many flags for me, but I don’t want to judge too quickly. I don’t know if I’m the one that’s messed up, or if it’s her, or we’re just not meant to be together, or if I should give it more time until I gain some clarity. I’m learning on the job here.
About 6 months ago, I tried to break up with her. I told her that I hit a wall in the relationship. I caught her by surprise. I’ve made references about things that I didn’t like, but no change. I didn’t want to put out the noose to hang herself, or wait for an angry moment, to leave. I told her that I wasn’t happy with the relationship. She fell to pieces. We went back and forth. We had a good talk. I was devastated. She asked if it was my life situation that was the real basis of my issues. I had legitimate issues. She said she wouldn’t change a thing about me. Uugh. She came to my door the next day crying. I broke. Here we are 6 months later. We’re together. It’s been a good six months.
a. She’s obsessive about work. She has the ability to suck the life out of me for 30 minutes, repeating things, slightly different wording, after I am a pile of ash, “how was your day?” I want to jump out the window. I’ve complained over and over again.
b. She has this obsessive quality. It’s not the ardent, spiritual, purpose filled obsession. It’s obsession over minutia. It’s the wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, obsessive, type of monotonous, control happy, routine loving, that gives her comfort, and really can be fingernails on chalkboard to me. She smothers things. Sometimes, I feel like she’s sucked up all the oxygen in the room, and I can barely breathe. It’s the fear that this feeling is back. I don’t like it. She’s going to talk me out of it.
c. Her cat should be number one on this list. This cat doesn’t like a living thing except her. I can’t believe how disruptive this cat has become. He wakes us up every time I sleep over. He hisses. She sleeps with the cat despite being allergic to the cat. She’s sniffling all night. Wherever I walk, I have to worry about this black cat coming out of nowhere and scaring the hell out of me in the pitch black dark of the night.
d. Imagine a beautiful girl. But, she has some physical issues. She has allergies. This girl has had a stuffy nose for 2 years, always an excuse. When I first met her, she was eating like 6th grader. Of course, she’s trying her best to mirror me now. I’ve been openly repulsed by her dietary choices and her lack of physical activity. She has asthma. She’s never been physical. She was never encouraged. She’s like a person that’s learning how to do things I feel are so basic. She can barely effectively rid e a bike!!
e. She’s really, really trying to open up and try new things, and my active presence inures to her benefit. I feel like I’m having to be the one to bring everything to the table in this relationship.
f. She used to buy thousands of dollars worth of clothes while doing all this on Jcrew, Anthro, etc. Her shopping kills me. It’s not high end stores. She’s getting healthy now. Of course now, her new obsession is Whole Foods. I don’t know if she’s trying to change because it’s genuine, or just to make me happy. It’s having the opposite effect on me. What’s wrong with me? The more she tries to change, the more I am repulsed by it for fear it’s not genuine ,and I’m being hoodwinked. After marriage, back to her old ways…..
g. I originally told her that I was appalled that a 34 year old was not registered to vote. She completely signs out when I start talking politics, history, or thinking about something other than her sphere of comfort. So, she registered to vote because I called her out. She is not political. She knows very little about history. She doesn’t really ready. I am an outdoor person. She’s never camped in her life. I really don’t know what the f*(&* I am doing with this girl.
On paper, we are just not a good fit. Why am I staying with her? What happened to me? Somewhere along the way, while I was obsessing about my career, I forgot how to set boundaries in my personal life. I don’t know what’s right and wrong. I always feel guilty. I try to give her soooooo much slack. Now I am confused, do I have the underlying psychological problem here? She’s kind. I just don’t think we’re soul mates. And now, I find myself probably getting aggravated at things that are unjustified. And when she might mess up a little, my reactions might start getting disproportionate.
I am afraid to make a mistake here. I don’t want to lose a good girl because no one will ever be good enough. Yet, I don’t want to compromise. I can’t deny these feelings of doubt in my heart.
I love her, but I don’t know if I’m in love with her, or that she’s the ONE. Am I just naïve, immature, and dealing with my own imperfections, so I can’t accept them in another person? I will be alone forever if that’s the case. I feel like I got it together.
She has substance, but there’s this cloud or aura of OCD, contracted, anxious, obsessive, fearful, energy—definitely not a free spirit. BUT, she is benefiting from my openness. She is fulfilled because I fill in all those things that she needs. But, I don’t feel like I am getting my needs fulfilled. I just I’d end up with someone else. I’m a bit disillusioned as my life would progressively get harder later down the road with bills, mortgage, kids, loss of youthful appearance. These are the easy days.
Is it my ego saying that I need someone smarter? And that I need someone more spiritual. And that I need someone that I don’t have to feel is going to be catching up my whole life. And that I need someone that stimulates me intellectually. My physical attraction is largely tied to being moved by someone. Her passions seem forced to me. I like plants. Plants are my new passion now. It seems formulaic, no poetry. Or should I wait for this bud to bloom. Eventually, we all have to invest in someone, including their shortcomings. What’s the line?
I don’t understand this girl. I almost broke up with her 6 months ago. . And now she talks about marriage almost every day, children references, “when we buy a house”, I am absolutely in pieces. I don’t want to hurt her. I also don’t want to make a mistake here and be short-sighted. It’s like I’m unconsciously hoping that she won’t change, and revert, so it will be easier for me to cut the cord. Why is that? I am not a coward. I might be a little perfectionist, tad narcissistic maybe, maybe have my own sense of lack that develops into an overcompensating seeking, achieving, for what’s behind door #2.
I understand I’m dealing with a person. I love this person. I would never want to hurt this person. But, I just can’t get clear on this…
Insights?