Hello everyone.
So, let me start by saying I am a 20 year old virgin. I met this girl who isn't a virgin. I usually consider a girl not being a virgin a deal-breaker as I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it if a friendship ended up turning into a relationship and I didn't want to put myself through the pain nor cause any inconvenience for the girl.

But anyway, it started as a friendship. I was stupid and thought we could just be friends and I wouldn't end up falling for her, yeah it doesn't work that way. She invited me to her prom and it ended up being one of the most amazing nights I've ever had with a girl. Next thing I know, I've fallen for the girl although her virginity status didn't matter to me in the least because I had forgotten about it and just assumed in my head that she was a virgin even though she told me otherwise. I was happy talking to her and would even get that little goose-bumpy feeling occasionally. Although I'd later find out, she as a tendency for being too thorough with answers to questions and a habit of saying things I don't like to hear. On the phone, she mentioned the dude she had sex with. She talked about how he wasn't shy and did all these positions on her, etc, etc. I told her I don't like for her to talk about her past. Although she ended up mentioning things that remind me of it several times afterward which I again asked her not to do.

But anyway, ever since I can't seem to get the image of having sex with another guy with her giving such an big thing as her virginity to him. It doesn't even bother me that much that its done I mean what can I do with it but more so that I've wasted years of my life being abstinent, waiting for the right girl and expecting her to do the same and it doesn't happen. I guess I'm just jealous that I haven't had the joy of being a girl's first and now that I've met this girl, I'd very much like us to be able to share each other's virginity but I realize that this is impossible as its already done and I only have two choices-to either stay or go.

While I want to stay with her, I'm worried that if we do have sex, I'll end up feeling bad because I'm giving her something I won't get back from her. But if I go, I'm worried that I won't ever meet anyone as amazing as her who fits the whole criteria. I don't know I just need some advice from someone who understands how I feel.

You're putting too much into this whole thing. You either accept that she's not a virgin and move forward or save both of you the hassle and break up with her if you can't overlook it. In a way I suppose I can understand where your problem is... especially if she told you things such as how they did it and positions and all... I mean, who really wants or needs to know that?

On the other hand, you say otherwise that she is everything you want. So now you need to decide if she's worth it or not... and if you decide that she is, you will have to let this whole virginity thing go and not bring it up anymore. Truth told, at your age, it will be tough to find a virgin.

You're putting too much into this whole thing. You either accept that she's not a virgin and move forward or save both of you the hassle and break up with her if you can't overlook it. In a way I suppose I can understand where your problem is...especially if she told you things such as how they did it and positions and all....I mean, who really wants or needs to know that?

On the other hand, you say otherwise that she is everything you want. So now you need to decide if she's worth it or not....and if you decide that she is, you will have to let this whole virginity thing go and not bring it up anymore. Truth told, at your age, it will be tough to find a virgin.

Yeah, I realize this. I think its cause I grew up being taught to wait until marriage which I've decided to let go as it dosen't seem anyone else does this anymore. Instead I just believe that whoever you have sex with, your supposed to stay with them as if you were married. So I guess this influences my feelings. And the worst part about it is I didn't ask her to even tell me those things.

As for that, that's exactly what I'm trying to find out for myself now. I suppose obviously I can't ask YOU guys what she's worth to ME. As for finding a virgin at 20 that's exactly what makes me feel worse about it. I feel like my entire teenager-hood was a waste, being abstinent when it ends up not even mattering in the future. But that's exactly what my girlfriend told me just 1000x more harsh. To quote her "I'm not gonna sugar-coat it but finding a virgin at your age is unrealistic and isn't going to happen." Well now I'm getting off subject though although I do know a couple virgins slightly younger than me but none of which I'd be willing to leave my GF for.

"Truth told, at your age, it will be tough to find a virgin."

And will be even tougher as you get older. I agree with Odinn7, you are stressing way too much about this. The art between two people is something shared which is beautiful. Maybe she was in love with the first. It really doesn't matter because neither you or her can go back and change the past.

I'm going to be honest with you and you probably don't want to hear it but...

First, I commend you for waiting. Whether that matters to anyone else or not, good on you... It matters to you and that's all it should matter to. Don't think it was a waste and don't listen to anyone else knocking you for doing it.

Now, here comes the part that you won't like... I think I'm reading a little bit between the lines here and to me, she sounds kind of like a jerk. I wonder if you are still with her because she's your first girlfriend or because you have convinced yourself that she's everything you are looking for... sounds to me like she really isn't everything. I had a girlfriend that was everything I was looking for... I was so sure of it. One day out of the blue she broke up with me and it hurt. When I got over it, I looked back on everything and realized she was a complete self-centered jerk and really didn't care about me like I did about her. Having time away from her I was able to look at things objectively and I was able to see that I thought she was everything but I was only convincing myself of that and she really wasn't. The human brain is an amazingly powerful thing. But anyway, she told you all this detailed information with no concern about how you would take it... didn't care about doing that to you. She got nasty with you and talked down to you simply for doing something that you believe in. I bet if you could look at things more objectively, You would see that she really isn't the one for you. I bet there is so much more that goes on that you just don't see it or don't want to see it.

I truly think this is not going to work out well for you.

You either get over it and deal with it or you break up, You haven't had sex with her and you shouldn't because then if you do leave her you can not expect a virgin/virgin relationship with the next girl. Don't until you know for sure, And there are different organizations of young people that vowed to stay virgin until marriage. Some have had sex prior to their vow but none the less you are better off finding someone that hasn't than letting the 'wrong girl' get you down because you can't deal with her past.

I know you may feel that way right now but somewhere down the line, you'll be able to look past someone's history and learn to love them for the person they really are.

On that note, I also agree with odin. She did not handle this situation like she really cares for you. Someone who really cares for you would not put it so harshly and would try to be more understanding.

Thanks for the advice you guys. I guess I'm just letting her pressure me into getting ready to do something I'm not ready for. As is the story I've been told with her, some guy made her believe you can't give a guy anything other than sex. Perhaps I should wait and see how things plan out as I'd like to at least wait a year or two before/if I do decide to have sex with her as I don't want hormones to play a factor in it at all. She is indeed my first real girlfriend as I'm her first boyfriend (the dude she lost it to was technically a fling). I'm probably just letting that cloud my judgement a bit as we've just been dating a little over a month (we've known each other since late March though). But that isn't long enough to truly know someone. There is still time for some possible hidden motives or agenda to arise.

I've told myself that I'm going to at least wait a year or two to really get to know her
Before I make my decision to have sex with her or not. I figure and hope by then, it won't matter to
Me her virginal status.

I've told myself that I'm going to at least wait a year or two to really get to know her
Before I make my decision to have sex with her or not.

Two points here.

Both men and women, that have many previous experiences with sex like to be the first with a virgin.

AND

Hope she waits that long for you to know enough.

I say stick to your guns, it seems to work for you, no matter how it turns out.

Two points here.

Both men and women, that have many previous experiences with sex like to be the first with a virgin.

AND

Hope she waits that long for you to know enough.

I say stick to your guns, it seems to work for you, no matter how it turns out.

Yeah I realize I'd probably still want to know how its like with a virgin. But I'll cross that bridge when/if I get there. Additionally, if she truly cares about me, I figure she'll wait. I mean would she rather wait until marriage or 2 years worst case scenario... But that's kind of why I think more people should decide to wait. If you do, you know for sure that your each other's first and only. But I'm not here to start a debate

I don't see being exclusive after a month. Maybe in 6.

What she did in the past should have nothing to do with anything now. If she feels she needs to talk about it, then you have to find a way to deflect that without turning her away from you. Look you are 20, you don't mention her age but I am going to presume she is that. She's an adult. So are you. Handle it that way. Her "virginity" status should have nothing to do with anything. I am afraid that whomever you meet in this age group probably is NOT a virgin anymore. Move ahead,, don't look at her past... look at what the two of you can share.

What she did in the past should have nothing to do with anything now. If she feels she needs to talk about it, then you have to find a way to deflect that without turning her away from you. Look you are 20,,you don't mention her age but I am going to presume she is that. She's an adult. So are you. Handle it that way. Her "virginity" status should have nothing to do with anything. I am afraid that whomever you meet in this age group probably is NOT a virgin anymore. Move ahead,,,don't look at her past...look at what the two of you can share.

How it should be and how it is are two different things. I feel like she should be a virgin like me but that's not how it is. I feel like it shouldn't bother but it does.
That's exactly what I told myself before I started dating her and look what happened.
Hence why I even considered it as I'd normally say no without even thinking about it, additionally, she's 18.

As for what the other guy said, I did sort of rush things. So that's my fault there. She had said the most beautiful thing to me that day and I sort of acted too fast on it as I originally had plans to hang with a couple girls and decide which I like best which I did for a little while but not as long as I'd have liked. I was sort of enjoying the single life for a minute there. I already asked her to my girlfriend though so can't do that anymore. I sort of freaked out too cause a buddy was telling me that if you wait too long, a girl gets uninterested. In a way, I'm also not really ready for any commitment (especially with this situation) and should have once again thought things through more thoroughly. I feel as though in the future, I'd be able to handle it if I had a past of my own. I think that's probably what hurts the worst just that I have nothing to compare it to. I think if I could just say, well I've been with virgins before, been there done that, it wouldn't be an issue.

Your issue is not with her, but in the way you deal with our own feelings, thoughts, and action. This situation has brought up feelings that contradict your expectations, hope and dreams.

It comes down to how you handle this new reality because for sure you have no control of over her and her feelings or how she deals with her reality. Hell she may not even stick around much longer. It' only been a month so far. Enjoy it while it lasts with no preconceived notions of it growing to be more important than what it is now, and keep your own dignity, and self respect, and manage your decisions with fact as well as feelings.

Your issue is not with her, but in the way you deal with our own feelings, thoughts, and action. This situation has brought up feelings that contradict your expectations, hope and dreams.

It comes down to how you handle this new reality because for sure you have no control of over her and her feelings or how she deals with her reality. Hell she may not even stick around much longer. It' only been a month so far. Enjoy it while it lasts with no preconceived notions of it growing to be more important than what it is now, and keep your own dignity, and self respect, and manage your decisions with fact as well as feelings.

Yeah, it has been quite a rude awakening. You bring up many valid points as well.
I think either way its best for me to wait some time as what if it dosen't work out and I meet someone like me later down the line, it'll be the same thing all over again but the shoe will be on the other foot and I wouldn't wish anyone this kind of emotional pain, it sucks, a lot.

I know. It's really tough to not get carried away by your own intense feelings that feel SO GOOD. Or bad.

Fortunately for you it's only been a month, and have yet to make adjustments that work for you. Unfortunately for you it's only been a month and you are assaulted with this emotional conflict of intense feelings caused by your first adult relationship.

Simply back off the relationship to a safer emotional distance, and focus on other areas of your life that are important. That way the danger of this relationship consuming you is lessened, and give you the perspective of how it fit with your own goals, thoughts and dreams you have for yourself, and your future a you identify what adjustment work for you.

It helps to get facts, and make decision based on them, and NOT JUST those intense feeling, be they good, or bad. Especially with a hot chick that wants your body, and you like her too. Right now my guess is that's all she wants, and a good time.

If YOU know who you are and can stand for it, you won't fall for any BS!! That' why this is about YOU, and what you do about yourself.

I know. It's really tough to not get carried away by your own intense feelings that feel SO GOOD. Or bad.

Fortunately for you it's only been a month, and have yet to make adjustments that work for you. Unfortunately for you it's only been a month and you are assaulted with this emotional conflict of intense feelings caused by your first adult relationship.

Simply back off the relationship to a safer emotional distance, and focus on other areas of your life that are important. That way the danger of this relationship consuming you is lessened, and give you the perspective of how it fit with your own goals, thoughts and dreams you have for yourself, and your future a you identify what adjustment work for you.

It helps to get facts, and make decision based on them, and NOT JUST those intense feeling, be they good, or bad. Especially with a hot chick that wants your body, and you like her too. Right now my guess is that's all she wants, and a good time.

If YOU know who you are and can stand for it, you won't fall for any BS!!!! That' why this is about YOU, and what you do about yourself.

Thank you and everyone else for the advice. This is by far the best I've heard out of the dozens of people I've asked regarding the subject. I need to stop taking everything so seriously as of yet and focus on me. I mean if I can't take care of me and my emotional issues, how can I take care of her or another's? Lately she's been demonstrating some undesirable behavior anyway as she's seemed to put more of an priority on making out, and sexual things than just taking time together or doing things. But we'll see how it pans out.

Are you exclusively dating each other or just spending time together? I would hope there is no agreement of such kind between you after only a month. I much prefer a 6 month casual get to know you with no commitment period myself.

I need to stop taking everything so seriously as of yet and focus on me. I mean if I can't take care of me and my emotional issues, how can I take care of her or another's? Lately she's been demonstrating some undesirable behavior anyway as shes seemed to put more of an priority on making out, and sexual things than just taking time together or doing things. But we'll see how it pans out.

You are wise beyond your years. Stick to your guns and get involved with Silver Ring Thing or a similar organization. They will strengthen your values.

You are wise beyond your years. Stick to your guns and get involved with Silver Ring Thing or a similar organization. They will strengthen your values.

Thanks you. I think that an event or something like SRT would help me a lot as I've noticed that my beliefs and morals have become subject to change lately and I was at the brink of just dropping my desire to wait until marriage all-together but then I remember the reason why I have even decided to wait, is because I want one partner and one partner only in my life, obviously I'd want her to do the same.

And for what the other guy said, yes, I'd say we are in a committed relationship as its posted on Facebook and when she told me about this other dude she liked, I'm not even sure why she told me but she said that he asked her out and she said no she was taken already and she seems to get jealous when I talk about other girls so I've been committed. The thing is, I wanted us to be each other's one and only but I figure the reason I even feel that way is because I like her so I'm sure its subject to change if I end up meeting another girl and it doesn't work out.

Hello so I've asked a similar question but this one is a tad bit different.
So my girlfriend who I've been with since April isn't a virgin while I am.
My entire life I've saved myself for my future soulmate so you can kind of understand why it bugs me that she hasn't decided to do the same.
So lately, she's been expressing to me that she's essentially ready to have sex as she would frequently be upset that I didn't want to have sex with her just yet, we discussed it and I explained to her that losing my virginity is a big deal to me and I want us to both be 100% sure we want to do it. She seemed to sort of chill out then until the issue came up again the other day.

And so I have a habit of keeping my feelings to myself because I know how they will make her feel. I would frequently and sometimes still do get upset at the world for its vulgarity. I feel like the one man in the world who has any morals and it saddens me that the one girl who means the world to me decided not to wait for me as I was expecting her to do the same. The thought that another man had his stuff inside of her upsets me, the thought that I will never be her first upsets me though I understand I can be her last but it isn't fair to me how I've spent 9 years being abstinent to have my life's work negated and made pointless. Had I known it would be like this in the future I'd have devirginized every girl I had a chance to. But I'm not that kind of guy and I just feel like its been my downfall.

I told her how I feel for the most part, I left some details out as they were kind of excessive but now she feels like she will never be good enough. She told me that she's sorry she couldn't be my dream girl and she told me she's used to putting emotions aside with sex. She told me she wasn't trippin over a dude being a virgin and she knew he wasn't and it didn't and doesn't bother her. And she said that she feels bad because I don't want her for all she is. I told her that if I didn't would I be trying so hard to make this work? She told me that maybe I should find a virgin girl and lose it to her as that's what I really wanted. Sounded like a breakup to me so I didn't opt to that. Besides, I'm worried I'd end up falling for the new girl if I did that. And the only reason its an issue is because I want something from HER I will never have. But now I'm getting off subject...

So what I was trying to get to is I feel as though I might need therapy because I often see the act of sex blown to epic proportions in my head. Sex in general often disgusts me and I can't even really watch it on TV anymore if there is a sex scene in a movie. Just the thought of even having sex with a non-virgin brings me anxiety. I even feel a little bit disgusted with non-virgins and their decisions not to wait for a person they can spent their life with as a lot of them don't. And although I feel okay about it now, I feel as though the issue will come back with her and I'll end up disappointed again soon that she isn't a virgin.

Why is sex even a topic of conversation with someone you've been with for only 3 or so months? And what tells you this is "The One" you'll be with for the rest of your life? I read way too much dismay and disappointment and even disgust in your post.

Why is sex even a topic of conversation with someone you've been with for only 3 or so months? And what tells you this is "The One" you'll be with for the rest of your life? I read way too much dismay and disappointment and even disgust in your post.

Mmm I guess your right huh?
I don't know she tends to have that affect on me.
I almost feel pressured sometimes like I have to have sex with her.
She'll often take our relationship too seriously for the time we've been together and I often have to remind myself we've only been together 3 months.

Mmm I guess your right huh?
I dunno she tends to have that affect on me.
I almost feel pressured sometimes like I have to have sex with her.
She'll often take our relationship too seriously for the time we've been together and I often have to remind myself we've only been together 3 months.
It sounds like sex is no big deal to her. According to what you have posted in this thread and in your other one, sex IS a big deal for you. You two live on two different planets.

Don't compromise your beliefs. If you do, you will hate yourself and always regret making that decision.

Holy crappies. Please let this girl go find someone else to date. You know a ton of people bring and create drama to a relationship but by far you are the winner in that category.

"but now she feels like she will never be good enough." You have taken something so special between two people and made it a horrible experience. At this point I hate reading your posts and I feel sorry for her. Dude you really are just a mess. It is either that or you are so immature that you can't have a meaningful relationship yet.

So please break up with her so that she can have a normal life. I will Google how to become a monk for you.

Gee, you seemed like a guy that is confidente, sure of himself once he put his mind to it find a girl with your values and don't entertainment thoughts that pull you away from your direction. Throw away the TV and do not live with a girl that is going to leas to temptation or expect from you what you are not ready for 100%. There is a song... what you going to do when you are with someone and the right one mes along.

I almost feel pressured sometimes like I have to have sex with her.
There is a word. It is NO. Use it. No apologies, no explanations. Just NO.

My first answer to you in the last question you posted a few days ago still stands.

You will not be able to get over this and even though you keep spouting out how she is the one for you, it is obvious that she is not. You cannot and will not let this go and this is going to destroy whatever it is you have with her now anyway.

And 3 months? How could you possibly know she is "the one" in 3 months... especially if you feel such anger towards her already? She's your first real girlfriend so you're going to feel like she's it but trust me, she's not.

Even if this wasn't a big deal for her, it is for you... and too much so. Reading what you wrote here in this question tells me that you have very deep-seated issues that will need to be addressed. It's commendable that you remained a virgin but then at the same time, you can't go around hating or judging someone simply because they don't have that same view as you do. You are not going to find very many virgins running around at your age.

Yeah, I know I have a lot of issues.
I'm not really mad at her but mad at the guy.
But what is it exactly that I need to do?
And the thing is I feel like once/if I do find a virgin, once we get intimate, I just feel like it doesn't matter that much and that I might as well have stayed with her and if it ends up not working out with the virgin girl, then what? Although I've been trying so hard to get over it, it appears that you might be right. I guess you can't force yourself to get over something like this and I can even see our relationship is already starting to break apart and although the situation bugs both of us, neither of us have the heart to end it even though I think deep down we know it needs to be. We don't kiss like we used to, we don't hold each other as much, we don't even talk for hours like we used to as of lately...

You don't even KNOW her after only 3 months!!

Why is sex such a huge thing for you? Why is it taking up so much real estate in your head? Get to know your dates and the girls you are with. Forget about sex for now. Find out who they are and who you are.

Not to be mean but I am guessing performance anxiety could be at play here. It is possible you are nervous because she has experienced it before.

You don't even KNOW her after only 3 months!!!!!!

Why is sex such a huge thing for you? Why is it taking up so much real estate in your head? Get to know your dates and the girls you are with. Forget about sex for now. Find out who they are and who you are.

Your right, your right.
I don't know. I guess I'm peer pressure is getting the best of me
As all my friends often tell me how I'm too old to be a virgin, etc, etc, etc. and I feel like after a certain age, it gets pretty much impossible to find a virgin in the worst case scenario so I guess I feel a sense of false-urgency. But your right, I need to take a chill pill and do things one day at a time.

You say you're not mad at her, just the guy... but read your question again... I see all kinds of anger there... at her. You're judging her and deep down hating her because she didn't wait for you. Why was she supposed to wait for you? Because you chose to wait doesn't mean everyone else needs to. See what I'm saying?

You say you're not mad at her, just the guy...but read your question again...I see all kinds of anger there...at her. You're judging her and deep down hating her because she didn't wait for you. Why was she supposed to wait for you? Because you chose to wait doesn't mean everyone else needs to. See what I'm saying?

Yeah I get you. I'm more mad at the world and wish more people would do that but that isn't something I can change. And before you say it, yeah I know, an indication in it-self that she isn't right for me. I guess I know now that I need to break up with her. That's probably going to be the hardest part now as we've had some pretty good times together.

You are very single minded in your harsh judgment of a woman, who fails to meet your 'moral standard' simply because she is not a virgin.

That there is so much more to a person than their sexual history, leaves me thinking that the issue of a woman being a virgin, is not the issue at all.

The issue may be your strange, unconventional view of sex, itself. As you have described sex as being vile, it is unlikely that you would be able, with such a mindset, to view anything to do with sex, as a perfectly normal part of a persons life.

So, the problem as I see it, has nothing to do with a particular woman that you happen to be involved with, but the barrier you have created, because of your disgust with sex itself. All that you judge revolves around sex, your hatred of it, and your need to judge others by it.

If your hatred and self-described vile toward sex were further examined by a professional, I suspect that there would be much more to your story than you are saying here.

I don't think at this point, from what you have said so far, that you can justify your ideas around sex, to include women, that you judge, as an excuse not to face your fears.

You are going to be a very unhappy man if you are unable to figure this out.

You are very single minded in your harsh judgment of a woman, who fails to meet your 'moral standard' simply because she is not a virgin.

That there is so much more to a person than their sexual history, leaves me thinking that the issue of a woman being a virgin, is not the issue at all.

The issue may be your strange, unconventional view of sex, itself. As you have described sex as being vile, it is unlikely that you would be able, with such a mindset, to view anything to do with sex, as a perfectly normal part of a persons life.

So, the problem as I see it, has nothing to do with a particular woman that you happen to be involved with, but the barrier you have created, because of your disgust with sex itself. All that you judge revolves around sex, your hatred of it, and your need to judge others by it.

If your hatred and self-described vile toward sex were further examined by a professional, I suspect that there would be much more to your story than you are saying here.

I don't think at this point, from what you have said so far, that you can justify your ideas around sex, to include women, that you judge, as an excuse not to face your fears.

You are going to be a very unhappy man if you are unable to figure this out.

I suppose it could likely stem from my past. I was sexually abused as a child. Although I don't remember the ordeal in the slightest bit I'm told that it happened by my mom. Additionally, back when I was a "normal" teenage boy who had a sex stain on the brain, I couldn't get any as hard as I tried, I couldn't even get a girlfriend in fact. I thought about just having sex to say I did but I wanted it to be legit even if it meant I had to wait till I was 40 or whatever... Next thing I knew, all my friends were getting in relationships, taking girl's virginity and thinking nothing of it. It disgusted me and seeing the media put such a emphasis on sex didn't help.Eventually I just gave up and figured that when I meet that one girl, she'd wait for me. And on top of that, my current girlfriend recently opened up about her past, again I didn't ask her and wish I hadn't heard it because now I feel worse. She told me that she was just like me, she wanted to wait until marriage, and then lowered her standard to it just being a special guy, and then going into her senior year of HS, she just lowered it to whatever guy wants to have sex.
And that's exactly what happened. It hurts me even more to know that had I just came to her quicker than I did, I'd have had someone who thinks the same way that I do and has a similar past as far as relationship difficulties and decided to save themselves. Perhaps I should seek therapy. I've also been chronically depressed and was suicidal in my childhood and my parents never took me to get anything done about it even though I often complained about it, perhaps that took a toll on my mental health as well. And even now that I'm old enough, I can't afford to see a psychologist. So too late for being an very unhappy man, that's practically the story of my life. But yeah your right, I see what your saying.

How old where you when your mom told you that you were molested? Before or after you were a normal teen ager? Why did she tell you?

How old where you when your mom told you that you were molested? Before or after you were a normal teen ager? Why did she tell you?

Before my "sexually active" teenager years.
Probably about 13 - 16, maybe even 12.
But I know it happened when I was a young child.
And I don't know why she told me, I remember we had a family friend and I believe she told me
Because she didn't want me to go over there, I think that's why.

It really is time to get to the real problem here, which has, as you know, manifested itself in many areas of your life.

Sexual assault, suicidal, depression...

There is no barrier to becoming a person who knows, and accepts their past, from living a normal, decent life. But first, you need to know in my opinion.

Try not to guess, or torture yourself, for answers, until you are able to accept them, and that takes time, through therapy. Yes, I think you do need therapy. In a way you have already begun to figure out the possible connections to how you feel and think now, particularly about sexuality, and the difficulties you face.

To go through life struggling with such a burden, really denies you access to living a healthier, happier life.

I don't know where you live, but find a way to get the help you need. There is help out there for you, and would be invaluable to you in my opinion.

It really is time to get to the real problem here, which has, as you know, manifested itself in many areas of your life.

Sexual assault, suicidal, depression............

There is no barrier to becoming a person who knows, and accepts their past, from living a normal, decent life. But first, you need to know in my opinion.

Try not to guess, or torture yourself, for answers, until you are able to accept them, and that takes time, through therapy. Yes, I think you do need therapy. In a way you have already begun to figure out the possible connections to how you feel and think now, particularly about sexuality, and the difficulties you face.

To go through life struggling with such a burden, really denies you access to living a healthier, happier life.

I don't know where you live, but find a way to get the help you need. There is help out there for you, and would be invaluable to you in my opinion.

Yeah I suppose your right because I remember there being a time when I didn't even think about who was and who wasn't a virgin, I was pretty young probably 15 or 16 when the rest of it kicked in but then again most people in your age group are virgins at that age although it didn't really hit me that I had missed my opportunity until I turned 18, I remember freaking out and feeling much anxiety like I had to find a virgin NOW or it would be too late and I realize that logically that is the wrong attitude to have. But emotions don't follow logic so I really do need therapy...

Hopefully I can figure out a way to get it because I've noticed it has affected my life a lot more now, ever since the break up with my ex (the girl before my current gf), I've seen life relatively gray-scale and muted. I don't really feel happy just a constant sadness (most intense when I first wake up in the morning, I sometimes struggle to even do it), I have close to no will to live and feel as though I don't have anything to live for, and the list goes on and on. Yeah, I didn't really realize this until you guys mentioned it. :\

I will ask you what I ask most young guys, where is your dad?

I will ask you what I ask most young guys, where is your dad?

He's in the picture but he has some issues of his own and was kind of off and on for a majority of my childhood. Obviously when he found out he wasn't happy though.

So, I apologize for resurrecting an old thread but things are going south.
My feelings haven't gotten better. She's gotten fed up with me being sad about it
And has asked if I want to call it quits cause I want a virgin so bad. She recommended counseling but I'm wonder what could they really do for us? She seems to be riddled with guilt regarding the ordeal so I think she should go as well.

You should call it quits so she is free of you. You are too immature for a serious relationship.

Seriously - who wants to be around someone who is sad all the time about something that is in the past and there's nothing you can do to change it. I would have given you the boot months ago. Actually no, I can spot good people. I wouldn't have dated you in the first place. Give that girl her freedom and continue being sad on your own.

One more thing - harshness warning!

I think its time you focus on YOU, and YOUR issues, and help yourself. Her only issue is YOU and your inability to deal with yourself. Why suffer without seeking help for it?

Ask your doctor for a referral if he cannot help you with your obsession that's affecting your life so negatively. You are stuck between what you want, and what you have, and its not fair to expect some one to hang around until you can be unstuck, when you are not in it to win it as they are.

You should call it quits so she is free of you. You are too immature for a serious relationship.

Seriously - who wants to be around someone who is sad all the time about something that is in the past and there's nothing you can do to change it. I would have given you the boot months ago. Actually no, I can spot good people. I wouldn't have dated you in the first place. Give that girl her freedom and continue being sad on your own.

One more thing - harshness warning!

Not a matter of maturity.
Maturity has nothing to do with it.
And its kind of her fault too. Who consistently tells you about what they did with their partner? Who wants to hear that stuff? And I disagree. I think I'm a pretty good person and a lot of other people do as well. Nobody is without their faults. I haven't consciously done anything to wrong her.

If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen.

You could have stopped her from talking about her sexual past, but you didn't.
That is one of hundreds of signs of immaturity.
You can't possibly be as mature as you hope, just because of age.
Let her go. Find a virgin, or a non-virgin who is wise enough to save the Full Disclosure for many years later, or even never.

One sign of a couple who endures over time: they don't share every thought, every fantasy, every past moment. Or their towel or toothbrush, or even put all their CDs merged together on the same shelf. It's not only OK to have your own life, it's necessary.

One sign of a couple who endures over time: they don't share every thought, every fantasy, every past moment. Or their towel or toothbrush, or even put all their CDs merged together on the same shelf. It's not only OK to have your own life, it's necessary.

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to joypulv again.

I tried to give you a greenie.

Very well said. Well until the toothbrush part. There is no way on this earth I am sharing my toothbrush with anyone!

One sign of a couple who endures over time: they don't share every thought, every fantasy, every past moment. Or their towel or toothbrush, or even put all their CDs merged together on the same shelf. It's not only OK to have your own life, it's necessary.
Another greenie from me.

That's probably why my husband and I have lasted for 46 years of marriage - although we do have a joint checking account, but then he has his own separate one too as do I. I fold my clean clothes and put them into the dresser drawer. He dumps his clean clothes on the floor at the foot of his bed and hopes he doesn't mix them up with the dirty ones. I have a sedan; he has a van. My towel sets are burgundy or white; his are some color, not sure what. He's a loner; I'm a social butterfly. We don't even share a bed because he sleeps like a wounded rhino and wraps up in all the covers like a cocoon. And I still wonder how our two sons came to be.

You could have stopped her from talking about her sexual past, but you didn't.
That is one of hundreds of signs of immaturity.
You can't possibly be as mature as you hope, just because of age.
Let her go. Find a virgin, or a non-virgin who is wise enough to save the Full Disclosure for many years later, or even never.

One sign of a couple who endures over time: they don't share every thought, every fantasy, every past moment. Or their towel or toothbrush, or even put all their CDs merged together on the same shelf. It's not only OK to have your own life, it's necessary.
Nope. Your still wrong.
Had you looked at previous posts you'd know that I told her
TWICE I don't like for her to talk about her past.

No I'm not wrong. By 'stopping' her I mean leave the room, leave the building, or hang up, or whatever it takes, not just say 'I don't like this.'

Can you get therapy where you live? It should help, and after a while you can talk in a group of others who were sexually abused as children. It's clearly affecting you in all sorts of seemingly unrelated ways, but they really are.

When I said (and others) that you should leave her, it was a challenge. You are free to say 'no I won't; I want to keep trying to make this work.' But you started agreeing with us. Is that just you being sort of passive and confused, doing what you are told, or is that the real you deep down inside feeling that it's better to break up? YOU tell US. Flip a coin - heads you stay, tails you don't. Instantly listen to your inner feelings when the coin lands.

Leave!! You told her twice tell her again and again!! But stop tripping on her annoying habits dude. It's a HUGE red flag when couple cannot resolve their issues and if it pokes you in the butt find a way to deal with it, or leave if you can't.

Yeah, I did start agreeing with you guys. I'll admit I am very, very confused.
I don't even know what I want anymore, I don't know why I even want it so much.
I mean physically all that happens is a chick bleeds, it hurts, and that's it, I guess
I want the emotional connection of being remembered and known as a girl's first
But that is becoming increasingly difficult to find. I'm probably so hesitant to leave this
Girl because we balance each other out in some ways. We both have a lot of the same issues,
She has low self esteem although mine isn't as high as it could be, its higher than it used to be as I also suffered from low self esteem at one point.

Additionally, we're both tall and that is just a trait I would like in a girl so much but you aren't necessarily going to find a tall, virgin girl who is at least 18 years old. Maybe a 16 year old but that's out of the question. So I figure perhaps I should just go find a virgin who's okay with their first time being a one-night stand (they exist believe it or not). Get all this virgin nonsense out of my system, seek therapy, and suck it up and deal with what I have been dealt. I feel as though the same issue would just end up happening again anyway. The only additional issue I could see with us is a possible disagreement about what we' would teach our children if it went to that level. I have set up for therapy though, I'm on the waiting list. -.-

Find a virgin for a one night stand, get it out of your system, and then go get therapy?
NOPE
You won't get it out of your system, I assure you. Go get therapy. Only.
Then decide if the one night stand with a virgin makes sense. (It won't.)

PS: Being a female virgin is pretty much the same as being a male virgin, despite what thousands of years of tradition teach you. I don't even get what you think will change in you by having sex with a virgin. Maybe you can try to explain it here, and that will get it out of your system.

Toooooooooo immature for a relationship of any kind. Period! Please break up with this girl so she can be free of you.

My mission is to help Oliver2011 get twice as many greenies as posts.

That's a great mission. And gracias!!

Dude, you're a mess.

At first I was willing to give you a pass on this but the more I read from you, the more I see how skewed your thoughts are.

So you want to deflower a virgin in a one night stand and that will make you different. Then I guess, all the other stuff you said about losing virginity with someone that matters and having an emotional connection is all out the window, right? I mean, if you do that, then how are you holding your girlfriend, that essentially did the same thing, to a different and higher standard? Basically you're saying that it would be OK for you to do the same thing that you are causing her so much grief over.

You really do need therapy. You are not thinking right and you are letting this virgin thing consume you for no reason. It doesn't change you. You don't bond closer with the person in some magical transformation. It is not that big of a deal.

Dude, you're a mess.

At first I was willing to give you a pass on this but the more I read from you, the more I see how skewed your thoughts are.

So you want to deflower a virgin in a one night stand and that will make you different. Then I guess, all the other stuff you said about losing virginity with someone that matters and having an emotional connection is all out the window, right? I mean, if you do that, then how are you holding your girlfriend, that essentially did the same thing, to a different and higher standard? Basically you're saying that it would be ok for you to do the same thing that you are causing her so much grief over.

You really do need therapy. You are not thinking right and you are letting this virgin thing consume you for no reason. It doesn't change you. You don't bond closer with the person in some magical transformation. It is not that big of a deal.

Well I had been asking my parents for years to get me therapy, happy pills or something and they never did. I was suicidal at one point myself esteem was so low. Well I had a pretty crappy childhood. I'm not asking for sympathy but I've been through a lot. I was sort of an outcast in my childhood. While all my friends were out having sex and stuff, I was that guy that nobody ever had a crush on, would touch with a ten foot pole, etc, etc and it really took a toll on myself esteem, apparently. At least most people somebody WOULD have sex with you, but I was often told how sexually repulsive I was by many of my classmates, I got to watch the most jerkish guys come over and take all of my crushes right in front of my eyes. And even now, I'm hearing about all my friends saying how they lost it together with their significant others. I feel like I'm developmentally behind because I almost feel like a guy who has developed normally should have devirginized many girls at my age, that's what happens in society now a days. But I feel like by TRYING to be that one guy who tries to have a legitimate relationship is sort of in vain.
Why didn't I do what all the other guys were doing?

I admire your wanting a virgin and being a virgin, but you have your head screwed onwrong as far as your motives go. For one you are allowing your emotions to the wrong girl get the better of you. While you are playing around with her you could be out looking for your dream girl. Time is slipping away and so will the girl you want in your heart. Like you realize most girls don't stay virgin for ever. So get out there wnd find her before someone else does.

Well I had been asking my parents for years to get me therapy, happy pills or something and they never did. I was suicidal at one point my self esteem was so low. Well I had a pretty crappy childhood. I'm not asking for sympathy but I've been through a lot. I was sorta an outcast in my childhood. While all my friends were out having sex and stuff, I was that guy that nobody ever had a crush on, would touch with a ten foot pole, etc, etc and it really took a toll on my self esteem, apparently. At least most people somebody WOULD have sex with you, but I was often told how sexually repulsive I was by many of my classmates, I got to watch the most jerkish guys come over and take all of my crushes right in front of my eyes. And even now, I'm hearing about all my friends saying how they lost it together with their significant others. I feel like I'm developmentally behind because I almost feel like a guy who has developed normally should have devirginized many girls at my age, thats what happens in society now a days. But I feel like by TRYING to be that one guy who tries to have a legitimate relationship is sorta in vain.
Why didn't I do what all the other guys were doing?

Along with therapy there are things you can do to make yourself more attractive to other people. Not sexually or physically attractive but someone more people want to be around. There are also things you can do to make yourself less attractive to other people. If you obsess and fixate on most issues, which I would guess you do, then people are not going to want to be around you. People like to be around fun people, positive people, people who make them laugh, caring people, people that smile, people that like themselves, etc. All of those things will make you more attractive.

Who cares what other guys do or have done. You don't become a better or worse person by comparing yourself to other people. Some guys date tons of women and some don't. That is the way life is. Something's in life you just have to accept. So you didn't have a meaningful date in school. So what. Learn from it and move on. Make changes in your life so that you will be more attractive to other people.

You have gotten some very good advice on here but you haven't been listening. That may be a good starting point.

Along with therapy there are things you can do to make yourself more attractive to other people. Not sexually or physically attractive but someone more people want to be around. There are also things you can do to make yourself less attractive to other people. If you obsess and fixate on most issues, which I would guess you do, then people are not going to want to be around you. People like to be around fun people, positive people, people who make them laugh, caring people, people that smile, people that like themselves, etc. All of those things will make you more attractive.

Who cares what other guys do or have done. You don't become a better or worse person by comparing yourself to other people. Some guys date tons of women and some don't. That is the way life is. Somethings in life you just have to accept. So you didn't have a meaningful date in school. So what. Learn from it and move on. Make changes in your life so that you will be more attractive to other people.

You have gotten some very good advice on here but you haven't been listening. That may be a good starting point.

Well, I guess its sort of a baby steps thing. I don't have a problem attracting woman anymore though. I usually put on a "facade" of being happy and stuff. And its enough to get by, the real thing usually comes later. I'm pretty good at making a girl laugh so I don't think that's an issue either. I guess I kind of did this to myself by getting into a relationship with a girl that has something I KNOW to be a dealbreaker. I settled but not again as I see the issues it causes. I remember my family telling me that I shouldn't hold virginity as a criteria of who and who I cannot date but I've learned that its okay for that to be a criteria so long as you aren't being hypocritical.

But anyway, I'm single right now so I guess that's a good start.
With my last posts I think I was just letting the hurt of the breakup get to me.
I've looked at all the girls within a 30 mile radius of where I live on OKC and haven't found anyway who really interests me so that is just a teeny bit upsetting but I still have other options, other websites, other ways to meet new people. Wow I'm so melodramatic, I just realized I went through the classic 7 stages of grief.

"I've looked at all the girls within a 30 mile radius of where I live on OKC" - Me thinks that isn't possible. Maybe, just maybe, you missed a few.

By the way accept the fact that love has no time table. You might find it tomorrow or next year.

Stop looking for it like you're on some kind of quest... if you let it happen, it will happen.

Stop looking for it like you're on some kind of quest....if you let it happen, it will happen.

Yeah but we already established that non-virgins are apparently a deal breaker for me, we learned that the hard way. After a certain age, you might as well stop looking for them. So I'd say I only have 4 years to find her, and that isn't a really long time.

1. There are women (and men) that lie about this sort of thing.
2. You could meet your soulmate. Someone that you fall head over heels for. Someone that you are so compatible with. And then you get to the question and boom, it is over. I just don't get it.
3. Is your very first conversation with a girl like this? "Hi, my name is Bob. Is your hymen intact?"

1. There are women (and men) that lie about this sort of thing.
2. You could meet your soulmate. Someone that you fall head over heels for. Someone that you are so compatible with. And then you get to the question and boom, it is over. I just don't get it.
3. Is your very first conversation with a girl like this? "Hi, my name is Bob. Is your hymen intact?"

I don't appreciate your attitude towards this.
Firstly, I don't think I would end up with a woman who would lie about it
Since the woman I like I'm sure she'd have some sort of morals and wouldn't do so.
Secondly, I'd ask before it got to that point. Lastly, I don't ask a question like that TOO up front. First, I'd talk to them and get to know them.

I don't appreciate your attitude towards this.
Firstly, I don't think I would end up with a woman who would lie about it
since the woman I like I'm sure she'd have some sort of morals and wouldn't do so.
Secondly, I'd ask before it got to that point. Lastly, I don't ask a question like that TOO up front. First, I'd talk to them and get to know them.

"I would end up with a woman who would lie about it" - Ahhhh you must have cracked the code to know when everyone is lying to you. In other words, you don't always know.

"Secondly, I'd ask before it got to that point." So in other words love at first sight is completely out of the question with you?

I know I went a little overboard, but sometimes when we are being ridiculous, a ridiculous answer can help us to see that. I met the love of my life when I was 40. Both of us where far from virgins. In your world do you have to go back to a virgin if you and the original one split up? And honestly without a commitment people are allowed to date and sleep with more than one person. Before I committed I was with too many so I am not recommending that.

You have yet to figure out your own conflicts with yourself, so how do you work through the conflict it create with others? You seem to have a personal dilemma to workout for yourself and unless you do, all you are doing is building up some pretty high walls for yourself.

What are you protecting yourself from since that's why people construct walls around themselves. You are wrapping yourself around your virginity.

You are wrapping yourself around your virginity.
Yeah. I'm wondering what that will get him.

For him, his being a virgin = ?

For him, a woman (or man) NOT being a virgin = ?

You have yet to figure out your own conflicts with yourself, so how do you work thru the conflict it create with others? You seem to have a personal dilemma to workout for yourself and unless you do, all you are doing is building up some pretty high walls for yourself.

What are you protecting yourself from since that's why people construct walls around themselves. You are wrapping yourself around your virginity.

If anything, I've probably been hurt too many times.
Its as simple as preferring to lose it to another virgin.
I want something in return for the gift I'd be giving.
I don't like to bring up religion in these kind of situations but the bible even
Says that virginity can be a criteria for choosing a wife. I can't tell you where but I'm certain it does. Right now, it dosen't bother me with what the world is doing cause I only need one person out of the billions walking around on earth that thinks the way I do. A quick Google search will show that I'm not the only one like this.

@Oliver
That's good you met your special someone. This wasn't an issue for you.
But since I am a virgin and am saving myself for the right one, I expect her to do the same.
Simple as that, plain and simple. I don't believe in love at first sight, that's merely infatuation or attraction.

Right now, it dosen't bother me with what the world is doing cause I only need one person out of the billions walking around on earth that thinks the way I do.
You will marry her before you take her virginity?

If your feelings are that strong on the matter then don't put the artificial constraints of time on your journey. Enjoy the journey and prepare for success not failure. Bring joy to the live of others as you enjoy them along the way to where you are going.

But put this expectation thing behind you because in truth there will be many along the way that you will love and be grateful for meeting. They will shape your growth in small ways and big ones. Deal with the hurts, and enjoy the good times.

Why not be happy, instead of conflicted with yourself? Don't be so stubborn about what the world has to offer you in option, and opportunities.

If your feelings are that strong on the matter then don't put the artificial constraints of time on your journey. Enjoy the journey and prepare for success not failure. Bring joy to the live of others as you enjoy them along the way to where you are going.

But put this expectation thing behind you because in truth there will be many along the way that you will love and be grateful for meeting. They will shape your growth in small ways and big ones. Deal with the hurts, and enjoy the good times.

Why not be happy, instead of conflicted with yourself? Don't be so stubborn about what the world has to offer you in option, and opportunities.

Yeah, I am grateful for meeting the last girl.
I know what kind of woman I want because of her at least.
I can safely say before I didn't know how a woman is supposed to treat you.
And yeah, I can see going back on my earlier posts how much it consumed me. I said a lot of things I normally would never say and considered a lot of things I normally would consider out of the question.

@Wondergirl
That's the plan, I'd be the biggest hypocrite in the world if I didn't.
That wouldn't guarantee I stay with her anyway otherwise and would make me an even bigger hypocrite.

@Oliver
I don't believe in love at first sight, thats merely infatuation or attraction.

I totally agree.