Mejayaa
Jul 5, 2013, 01:40 AM
By the time I was fifteen, I had had two "boyfriends". Both had lied and cheated on me. I felt I could never let another guy in my life, but I did. Lets call him "T". T was there for me the whole way through, telling me I was beautiful, smart and going to go far in life. We flirted and talked all the time, I was falling for him, trusted him enough to tell him about my parents excessive alcohol drinking, that I cut because of the way they treated and hurt me when they were drunk. T was there for me, telling me one day he was going to get me out of there. I believed him, to me, he was my hero. We went out on a date with friends, and he put his arm around me, and I laid my head on his shoulder. It felt so perfect to be there with him, so right, so different than other guys. We just understood each other. A week later, he asked me to be his, I eagerly agreed. We were inseparable. Seeing each other and talking as much as possible. In between classes we would walk holding hands, and then kissing right up until the bell rang. He would come over and stay the night at my house (my parents and brother loved him, he was like family to them) I would wake him up with coffee and a kiss. I went over to his house a lot too, and his mother and grandma were like a second family. We would spend hours on the phone, talking endlessly, until we both fell asleep, and then call each other the next morning. We were so in love, old ladies would come up to us and tell us we were adorable, people would tell me that seeing us together made them want to fall in love.
Every summer, we had to leave: He visited family in California, I visited family in Alaska. It was hard the first summer, I remember us sitting in my backyard before he left that day, crying, holding each other. He wrote me a song and gave it to me, pressing the paper into my hand. It was really painful for the both of us. We still talked when each of us was away, on the phone and texting. I'd send him care boxes with his favorite candy and letters, he sent me his jacket that he sprayed cologne on to sleep in. When we both came back we were so happy to see each other. Around 7 months of dating, I gave myself to him for the first time, and it was his first time too. We were both terrified, but so in love, and knowing that we would stay together forever. We continued to make love after that, whenever we got the chance, just laying with each other after, gazing into each others eyes, while he held me and we would drift to sleep. When he stayed the night, he used to wake me up in the middle of the night, kissing my forehead. One time he woke me up just to say, "You look gorgeous". I would come to him whenever I had nightmares, or was crying, he would comfort me and always could make me laugh. He was truly amazing and perfect, I couldn't have been more happy. We spent every moment together, playing games, talking on the phone, walking to town, going on dates, even in school we took classes together.
He proposed to me in a little gazebo several times, we both knew we couldn't actually get married, but he would always say that someday we would, that we would move to Hawaii in a perfect house with perfect kids. We talked about it all the time. We got each other rings our first Christmas together, and on our one year anniversary, he took me out to breakfast, and then we made love at his house, it was raining out so instead of having a picnic outside, we had one inside with candles, we fell asleep on the couch, and almost missed our dinner date that night. Our relationship was like a dream, something out of a movie, so perfect, so right, so in love. We were so comfortable around each other, and loved doing random things together, like sharing a mango smoothie or dancing to Frank Sinatra. Everyone thought we would stay together.
Then the fights started. They were small at first, but he started to lie to me, so I stopped trusting him, and became controlling. It hurt him when I did this, I was a horrible person to him, completely different. After around two months of this (we had been dating around a year by this point) I finally seen how I was treating him, I had made him cry. I hated myself. I started to change for the better. But the damage was done. He loved me dearly, and I loved him too, but I could tell he was still bitter. We started to fight more, and once in a while, we wouldn't fight at all for weeks at a time and it was wonderful.
In February, I found out I was moving three hours away. We were devastated. This point we were almost together two years. I can never get the sight of him crying out of my mind when we said goodbye. It killed me, ripped me up inside. I was depressed once we got to the new apartment. T and I talked on the phone all the time still, but we only got to see each other once a month. It was putting a strain on our relationship. I was worried about other girls and he was worried about other guys. We fought a lot. But every time we saw each other we were back to our old selves, having fun, being loving to each other. I loved it when I accidental fell asleep with him watching a movie or watching him play a game. He was always so sweet... But he was a senior in high school, deadlines were coming up, he was struggling with his grades. Slowly, we talked less and less on the phone. We still talked everyday, but only in the morning before school and at night before we went to bed. It killed me. I was so used to talking to him all the time, being able to have him sing me to sleep on the phone if I couldn't get to sleep, or call him at 5 in the morning if I woke up from a nightmare, or just talk to him about anything, he was changing, too. One time, I said something painful to him: I'm in love with who you used to be. It hurt him, but he didn't show it, he got angry. He hung up on me, and I tried calling him, he wouldn't answer. Finally after a while he did. We made up. But after that, things weren't the same.
I hated myself for saying that, it was true he had changed, but I never want to hurt him, it kills me when he's upset. He started lying about not being able to talk, saying his phone was being taken away. He used to say, "I Love You baby girl" or "you're so amazing, my love" sweet stuff like that. Even in texts, it meant something. But slowly, he started to say it less and less. I was dying inside at his distance emotionally and physically. We fought more, and one day at school he texted me saying he wasn't sure about us anymore. I ran to the bathroom crying, feeling like my world was falling apart, we had been together much longer than two years at this point, he was the love of my life, my hero, my best friend, my everything. I wrote him a long message. He told me he would stay. Then he called me at lunch, and we talked. He started saying he couldn't take it anymore, and said he couldn't be with me anymore. I slide to the floor, my back against the wall, tears streaming down my face, I could barely talk. I said he didn't mean it. I told him to think of everything we had been through. He said he was sorry. I felt my whole body shaking, "I gave myself to you, you were my first time, you said we would get married someday" He was crying too. It was breaking my heart. He wouldn't say the words break up, he couldn't. So instead he told me we were over. I called his mom in tears and she calmed me down a little and told me to try and get picked up. I called my mom to pick me up and she said she'd be there soon. I texted T, and he told me it wasn't goodbye forever, someday we would get back together. I was dying. I tried to call and text him, but he would always make an excuse not to talk or lied about it. He said it was a break.
After a week of him making excuses not to talk to me, I was angry and hurt, I told him that it was over for good then. I went to visit family a few days after that, to get away for a while. I was there two weeks, it was a good distraction. But when I came back, everything was a reminder, all the shirts, jackets, stuffed animals, jewelry, art sets, books, movies, even cups that he had gotten me, I couldn't escape the thought of him. I hadn't taken down the pictures in my room of him and I couldn't bare to take the ring he gave me off, I had worn it for two years everyday. Finally I told him how I felt, and he said remember it wasn't goodbye forever that our connection wouldn't let it be over for good, and said the book we have isn't closed, that he will fight for me back someday. I asked him how long, years, months? He said he didn't know, but that he loved me.
It killed me to wait, but I was glad to know it wasn't over for good. I texted him a lot, but he ignored all them, only once in a while, maybe once a week, he would write me, it would give me hope. I felt like I was over him, then he would tell me something like, "Until that moment" and I had hope all over again. It was tearing me up inside, I wished I knew how long he meant. He went out with some friends, and some girls. Some of my friends. I felt betrayed. So, one of the guys he was worried about called me. We talked for a long time, and the guy posted it on Facebook. I was horrified. T wrote me, saying that the guy was trouble. I told T me and the guy weren't anything, that he had called me. Then we fought, I argued about the girls and he told me he thought one of his friends who was leaving was going to be there. I finally said, "You know what, I love you so damn much, but I can't wait forever, its either now or never that you come back." He said, "Then I guess this is just our past" It broke my heart all over to see that. I instantly regretted being mean to him, and tried to ask him if he meant that. It couldn't be over for good, I messed it up, yet again. Now he was never coming back.
After that I didn't want to get out of the bed in the morning, haunted by our songs, pictures, by dreams of us together, kissing, making love. I tried not to dream, but that's impossible. I ended up with insomnia, trying so hard not to think of him, but I could never get him out of my head. I still texted him once in a while, but he ignored them. The only time he responded, was when it was about a fight with my parents, he would calm me down, and then leave without saying I love you. One time I asked him, do you still love me? And he ignored me. That hurt, really bad. After two years, he was done with me that fast.
I still love him with all my heart, and now see everything I did wrong. I really hope we get back together someday, but I feel like I messed up so bad, I can never get him back. I want to be over him but at the same time I want him so bad and don't want to forget what great love and happiness we had at first. He was my first love, my first time, I had never let a person get that close to me. He knows me inside and out, and I know him just as well, or at least I did... hes so different now, which scares me, that's why I don't know what's going to happen.
How do I get over this? How do I deal with this? I'm seventeen now, almost eighteen. I feel like he was a part of me growing up, I'm a different person because of him and that makes me happy, but I just wish I still had him. I don't want to move on, because I don't think I could ever trust another guy after this because he was perfect, he was the only one I trusted, I've seen how other guys are, I've dealt with it before, like said I was cheated on and lied to multiple times before I met him. I miss him so much. I lost a good thing. How do I get out of bed in the morning?
Every summer, we had to leave: He visited family in California, I visited family in Alaska. It was hard the first summer, I remember us sitting in my backyard before he left that day, crying, holding each other. He wrote me a song and gave it to me, pressing the paper into my hand. It was really painful for the both of us. We still talked when each of us was away, on the phone and texting. I'd send him care boxes with his favorite candy and letters, he sent me his jacket that he sprayed cologne on to sleep in. When we both came back we were so happy to see each other. Around 7 months of dating, I gave myself to him for the first time, and it was his first time too. We were both terrified, but so in love, and knowing that we would stay together forever. We continued to make love after that, whenever we got the chance, just laying with each other after, gazing into each others eyes, while he held me and we would drift to sleep. When he stayed the night, he used to wake me up in the middle of the night, kissing my forehead. One time he woke me up just to say, "You look gorgeous". I would come to him whenever I had nightmares, or was crying, he would comfort me and always could make me laugh. He was truly amazing and perfect, I couldn't have been more happy. We spent every moment together, playing games, talking on the phone, walking to town, going on dates, even in school we took classes together.
He proposed to me in a little gazebo several times, we both knew we couldn't actually get married, but he would always say that someday we would, that we would move to Hawaii in a perfect house with perfect kids. We talked about it all the time. We got each other rings our first Christmas together, and on our one year anniversary, he took me out to breakfast, and then we made love at his house, it was raining out so instead of having a picnic outside, we had one inside with candles, we fell asleep on the couch, and almost missed our dinner date that night. Our relationship was like a dream, something out of a movie, so perfect, so right, so in love. We were so comfortable around each other, and loved doing random things together, like sharing a mango smoothie or dancing to Frank Sinatra. Everyone thought we would stay together.
Then the fights started. They were small at first, but he started to lie to me, so I stopped trusting him, and became controlling. It hurt him when I did this, I was a horrible person to him, completely different. After around two months of this (we had been dating around a year by this point) I finally seen how I was treating him, I had made him cry. I hated myself. I started to change for the better. But the damage was done. He loved me dearly, and I loved him too, but I could tell he was still bitter. We started to fight more, and once in a while, we wouldn't fight at all for weeks at a time and it was wonderful.
In February, I found out I was moving three hours away. We were devastated. This point we were almost together two years. I can never get the sight of him crying out of my mind when we said goodbye. It killed me, ripped me up inside. I was depressed once we got to the new apartment. T and I talked on the phone all the time still, but we only got to see each other once a month. It was putting a strain on our relationship. I was worried about other girls and he was worried about other guys. We fought a lot. But every time we saw each other we were back to our old selves, having fun, being loving to each other. I loved it when I accidental fell asleep with him watching a movie or watching him play a game. He was always so sweet... But he was a senior in high school, deadlines were coming up, he was struggling with his grades. Slowly, we talked less and less on the phone. We still talked everyday, but only in the morning before school and at night before we went to bed. It killed me. I was so used to talking to him all the time, being able to have him sing me to sleep on the phone if I couldn't get to sleep, or call him at 5 in the morning if I woke up from a nightmare, or just talk to him about anything, he was changing, too. One time, I said something painful to him: I'm in love with who you used to be. It hurt him, but he didn't show it, he got angry. He hung up on me, and I tried calling him, he wouldn't answer. Finally after a while he did. We made up. But after that, things weren't the same.
I hated myself for saying that, it was true he had changed, but I never want to hurt him, it kills me when he's upset. He started lying about not being able to talk, saying his phone was being taken away. He used to say, "I Love You baby girl" or "you're so amazing, my love" sweet stuff like that. Even in texts, it meant something. But slowly, he started to say it less and less. I was dying inside at his distance emotionally and physically. We fought more, and one day at school he texted me saying he wasn't sure about us anymore. I ran to the bathroom crying, feeling like my world was falling apart, we had been together much longer than two years at this point, he was the love of my life, my hero, my best friend, my everything. I wrote him a long message. He told me he would stay. Then he called me at lunch, and we talked. He started saying he couldn't take it anymore, and said he couldn't be with me anymore. I slide to the floor, my back against the wall, tears streaming down my face, I could barely talk. I said he didn't mean it. I told him to think of everything we had been through. He said he was sorry. I felt my whole body shaking, "I gave myself to you, you were my first time, you said we would get married someday" He was crying too. It was breaking my heart. He wouldn't say the words break up, he couldn't. So instead he told me we were over. I called his mom in tears and she calmed me down a little and told me to try and get picked up. I called my mom to pick me up and she said she'd be there soon. I texted T, and he told me it wasn't goodbye forever, someday we would get back together. I was dying. I tried to call and text him, but he would always make an excuse not to talk or lied about it. He said it was a break.
After a week of him making excuses not to talk to me, I was angry and hurt, I told him that it was over for good then. I went to visit family a few days after that, to get away for a while. I was there two weeks, it was a good distraction. But when I came back, everything was a reminder, all the shirts, jackets, stuffed animals, jewelry, art sets, books, movies, even cups that he had gotten me, I couldn't escape the thought of him. I hadn't taken down the pictures in my room of him and I couldn't bare to take the ring he gave me off, I had worn it for two years everyday. Finally I told him how I felt, and he said remember it wasn't goodbye forever that our connection wouldn't let it be over for good, and said the book we have isn't closed, that he will fight for me back someday. I asked him how long, years, months? He said he didn't know, but that he loved me.
It killed me to wait, but I was glad to know it wasn't over for good. I texted him a lot, but he ignored all them, only once in a while, maybe once a week, he would write me, it would give me hope. I felt like I was over him, then he would tell me something like, "Until that moment" and I had hope all over again. It was tearing me up inside, I wished I knew how long he meant. He went out with some friends, and some girls. Some of my friends. I felt betrayed. So, one of the guys he was worried about called me. We talked for a long time, and the guy posted it on Facebook. I was horrified. T wrote me, saying that the guy was trouble. I told T me and the guy weren't anything, that he had called me. Then we fought, I argued about the girls and he told me he thought one of his friends who was leaving was going to be there. I finally said, "You know what, I love you so damn much, but I can't wait forever, its either now or never that you come back." He said, "Then I guess this is just our past" It broke my heart all over to see that. I instantly regretted being mean to him, and tried to ask him if he meant that. It couldn't be over for good, I messed it up, yet again. Now he was never coming back.
After that I didn't want to get out of the bed in the morning, haunted by our songs, pictures, by dreams of us together, kissing, making love. I tried not to dream, but that's impossible. I ended up with insomnia, trying so hard not to think of him, but I could never get him out of my head. I still texted him once in a while, but he ignored them. The only time he responded, was when it was about a fight with my parents, he would calm me down, and then leave without saying I love you. One time I asked him, do you still love me? And he ignored me. That hurt, really bad. After two years, he was done with me that fast.
I still love him with all my heart, and now see everything I did wrong. I really hope we get back together someday, but I feel like I messed up so bad, I can never get him back. I want to be over him but at the same time I want him so bad and don't want to forget what great love and happiness we had at first. He was my first love, my first time, I had never let a person get that close to me. He knows me inside and out, and I know him just as well, or at least I did... hes so different now, which scares me, that's why I don't know what's going to happen.
How do I get over this? How do I deal with this? I'm seventeen now, almost eighteen. I feel like he was a part of me growing up, I'm a different person because of him and that makes me happy, but I just wish I still had him. I don't want to move on, because I don't think I could ever trust another guy after this because he was perfect, he was the only one I trusted, I've seen how other guys are, I've dealt with it before, like said I was cheated on and lied to multiple times before I met him. I miss him so much. I lost a good thing. How do I get out of bed in the morning?