I have three children my almost 14 year old son has become very defiant toward me over the past year. He once was happy about living with me and now has drastically changed. He says he hates living here and wants to live with his father. A year ago he fought me about visiting his dad and step mother. I have tried taking the hands off approach with him and it doesn't work. Any help would be great...

Is there a compelling reason he can't live with his father? His feelings have obviously changed on the matter.

I don't think it's the best environment for him. His father coddles him so of course I have become the bad guy that has to deal with his lack of attention to school work and his behavior to authority in school. He acts out when he doesn't get what he wants so I feel like doing that would be hindering him and not helping him. Also he has two siblings that live with me so I feel like separating them would be wrong.

How about going with him to a few sessions with a family counselor so you both can vent with an unbiased person guiding the discussion? It might clear the air for both of you and help you both figure out what to do about this.

I emailed a couselor today about setting up an appointment. I think there has been some parental alienating going on by his father because of some of the things he has said.

I agree you need counseling so that an outside party can say he wants to be with dad cause he doesn't want rules and to help you come to terms with what you can do about his emotional needs to be closer with him. He may feel you aren't as one on one with him or you don't care about wt he feels he needs. A counselor should be able to sort it all out and make a workable plan.

I emailed a couselor today about setting up an appointment. I think there has been some parental alienating going on by his father becuase of some of the things he has said.
Have you asked for a school staffing in order to meet with the principal and teachers (and maybe your son) to work out something about that part of his life? The family counselor might be a good addition into that effort too.