Hello everyone.. this is my first and last question.. I guess I just found this place and saw others had the same problem I have. If anything.. I know writing about it will help me cope a little bit.
I started dating a guy last year around August. His name is Oscar. Im 18 and he is 21. He was a senior when I was a freshmen in high school. We came into contact through Facebook and really hit it off so we agreed to go out on a date. Im a really quiet girl, and am not very social. I have never had a boyfriend or and real friend at all. He became my first boyfriend. Our romance was perfect the first few months. He would write me love letters and surprise me with little gifts. We shared our love the best we could... We decided to make love.. about 1 month after we started dating. It was too soon, and I regret it now. We were both virgins. So it made it that much more special. A few months went by and he introduced me to an online video game he loved to play. He said he wanted to share something he loved doing with me, and it would be that much better if I joined. So I tried it out. I became addicted to the game. I became competitive. And I began to rage when I would lose.. My boyfriend tried to make me quit because we began to argue a lot because of the game.. I refused. (I had pride back then.. ) We almost broke up around Christmas time. I was so upset. I would always think to myself "Who does he think he is, telling me what to do??"... I swallowed my pride and agreed to quit. I realized I was wrong.. So we were back on track by the new year. He agreed to let me play, since I liked the game so much.. The thing is, he became jealous of the people I would play with. On my birthday, we made love.. I had had a very bad day and he brightened up my day with his love.. except after we made love, he asked me to delete every boy I had on my friends list on that game. I told him I had done so. And he questioned why I had kept one boy in particular. I told him the boy shared an account with his sister. He didn't believe me... The night goes by, and my birthday was ruined.. next week was Valentines day.. That is ruined... months pass by, and things are shakey.
What I mean by shakey is little things setting both of us off. We both started giving each other more attitude. During our fights, Oscar would always bring up my past mistakes and throw them in my face. Or say things like "Well you did this to me, so stop complaining when i do it to you." He used all my mistakes against me, even after I apologized for the wrong I did. I always held my ground though.

Not this time.. I find myself apologizing every time. Every little mistake a make, I apologize for.. He's beginning to punish me now. He says things like "Well Im really upset. Dont expect me to come over this weekend." It makes me hurt so bad. My old self would say "Well too bad. You're the one missing out." But now I find myself saying "please.. im sorry.. please talk to me"... the last argument we had, which was an hour ago, almost ended us. It was all because I made a joke about him. I was joking around... But he just said "Im so upset. Im done talking to you for tonight. Goodbye."... He had been leaving me out of his conversation with his friend all night. I make one comment and he loses it... I tried defending myself by telling him so. And he said "yeaaa, you're attitude doesnt help. i think it's in our best interest we stop being together. We have no more chemistry."... I begged him to stay with me... I BEGGED.. I feel so disgusted with myself. I hate myself.
I can't let go.
Is it because he's my first everything? And there were promises of getting married?
Im losing my mind.. Please help me..

Trying to know why you are begging to stay together is just going to be a guess, because we know so little about you. But I do notice that you cut off contact with just about everyone else, and that's a sure fire way to put all your emotional needs on one person - never a good outcome. I did something similar when I was much older.
Tell us more about where you are in life outside of him - just out of high school? A job, college, hanging out for the summer, living with parents, what?

Sounds like he is domineering and sees he can play on your emotions. Any guy that says he is punishing you it should be a red flag. Begging is another red flag that this relationship has fizzled. Then all the fighting, is that the kind of relationship you want or are you just not wanting to deal with the hurt of letting go? Some people thrive on dysfunctional relationships. I just don't see this ever being a healthy relationship.