I was so shocked last time I visited my sister. She had an argue with her oldest daughter and it ended up with that she gave her daughter a long hard spanking.

I was almost in tears when I told her this was not acceptable and she answered that both she and her husbands spanks their daughters when needed and they are the one who decides when it is needed. I am so upset and I don't understand since neither she or myself was spanked when growing up. How come she suddenly thinks this is a good way of raising children? What can I do to make her stop?

You can't do anything to make her stop and it isn't your place to do so. Many people feel that spanking is still an acceptable form of discipline.

What do you mean by 'a long hard slap' (spanking). How old was the child, and what was the cause or behavior that led to the spanking.

Of course, I'm not there to see if you're exaggerating or what you say is long and hard is accurate but... it may not be politically correct these days to spank children but that doesn't necessarily make it wrong. I was spanked as a kid and my father WAY over did it and looking back I consider it abuse but if done correctly, I think it would work. It was done for so many years by so many people but now it is wrong to discipline your kids at all and that is why kids are the way they are today.

I'm 66 (in the US my whole life, if that matters). Every kid I ever knew my age was spanked to some degree. Spanking has fallen out of favor as things like time outs have become more acceptable. You can't even report spanking to authorities, if that is what you mean by 'how can I make her.' Physical violence has to leave marks and bruises to be reported.
Surely you know by now that you don't 'make' people do anything.

Buy your sister a time-out clock (goes from frown to smile when the child can come back to play). But if she doesn't want it or use it, leave it alone!

If there are marks, the teacher will report it. I've done it way too many times :(. It makes me cry when I think of a 4th grader who couldn't sit because her dad spanked her so hard.

She placed her over her knees, pulled down her pants and panties and gave her perhaps 20 very hard slaps on her buttocks. The daughter is 12 years old and she did say a not so nice word to her mom but I can't see that this would justfy such a spanking. This year, 2013, I thought most people found alternative ways of raising children then spanking them. A grounding would be sufficient and more appropriate.

If there are marks, the teacher will report it. I've done it way too many times :(. It makes me cry when I think of a 4th grader who couldn't sit because her dad spanked her so hard.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I think this is pure abuse. I don't think the teacher will notice this since I can't imagine she will not be able to sit but I will never forget her screams and crying. It was so terrible to hear. And to witness it.

I support positive boundaries and discipline. I was spanked as a child and do not have lasting issues from it. But as a father I never laid a hand on my two boys. There are much more positive ways of controlling behaviors and teaching acceptable behaviors. People should learn these skills before having children.

Having said that I am not sure there is much you can do other than offering alternatives. It is not your daughter.

Were there any witnesses to this "spanking?" Throughout my years as a mother AND a nurse, I have learned that children, and some adults, respond more dramatically if there are people there to see what is happening. Many people respond more dramatically, i.e. screaming and crying, when there are witnesses so that they get more attention.

Were there any witnesses to this "spanking?" Throughout my years as a mother AND a nurse, I have learned that children, and some adults, respond more dramatically if there are people there to see what is happening. Many people respond more dramatically, i.e. screaming and crying, when there are witnesses so that they get more attention.

I was the only witness but I am very sure that she was not exaggerating. And pulling down the panties on a 12 year old girl must be SO humiliating for her.

What was it that she did that your sister felt was necessary for this action?

And pulling down the panties on a 12 year old girl must be SO humiliating for her.

Agreed.

How does your sister handle other stressors that don't involve the child? Does she blow off the handle on little stressors?

I'm so sorry to hear this. I think this is pure abuse. I don't think the teacher will notice this since I can't imagine she will not be able to sit but I will never forget her screams and crying. It was so terrible to hear. And to witness it.
Obviously, it has to be bad for a child to tell a teacher that they can't sit. At age 12, children can be reasoned with, grounded, privileges removed, etc. I didn't spank my children after I could reason with them. This is a very sad situation.

What was it that she did that your sister felt was necessary for this action?

As I said, they had an argue and the daughter told her some ugly words and that trigged it.

(Obviously a time out clock is not for a 12 year old... )
One positive thing you can do is be the 'favorite aunt' of your niece.
I'm pretty sure that by the time we were 12, we struggled away from our mother and it was physically impossible for her to spank us. My dad didn't spank.
I do worry about a 12 year old having to go through this, partly because of the association of taking down her pants to be punished. Not good for her future relationships involving intimacy, I would think.
I might even be a conspiring auntie, and help her avoid spankings by getting her to rush away. Losing allowance or phone/internet/TV or going out with friends are the usual punishment at that age.

Maybe the solution is not your sister, but guiding your niece to better behavior.

Maybe the solution is not your sister, but guiding your niece to better behavior.

Do I interpret you correctly that you don't think the punishment was too hard for the crime? Of course I can talk to my niece about how to behave but that is a completely different topic I believe.

Do I interpret you correctly that you don't think the punishment was too hard for the crime? Of course I can talk to my niece about how to behave but that is a completely different topic I believe.
Certainly your niece is old enough to realize the jeopardy she puts herself in with smart remarks and being disrespectful. I disagree with spanking (it never worked with me and made me horribly resentful and angry), but if that is the punishment she can expect, certainly it is to her benefit to behave. I agree with Tal and am thinking you will have more luck influencing your niece than you do your sister.

Do I interpret you correctly that you don't think the punishment was too hard for the crime? Of course I can talk to my niece about how to behave but that is a completely different topic I believe.

I am perplexed as to why a parent would get into an argument with their child. What is the point and what good outcome could that ever bring? I don't care what the issue was initially I think your sister was wrong way before she hit the child.

Do I interpret you correctly that you don't think the punishment was too hard for the crime? Of course I can talk to my niece about how to behave but that is a completely different topic I believe.

Not to me its not a separate topic, and while I would have grounded her to the loneliness of her own room without any toys to occupy her mind until she apologized, I don't think you can make your sister change without one helluva messy conflict.

But you have provided no context to this one incident, and sorry I doubt this was her first time being disrespectful. When it gets to the level that other options don't work, what's left? Has she tried other options? Do you have kids yourself? I don't even know if you can talk to your sister, can you?

Bottom line is I never spanked my own kids but when they were 12, they NEVER cussed at me or to me. Ultimately parents are the judges of what punishment fits the crime, and doubt if your sister will take kindly to you telling her how she or her husband disciplines her own child in their own home.

We can debate the details but none of us, not even you can control what goes on at your sisters house and right or wrong you tread carefully at your approach to solving HER problems. Maybe this goes beyond just one incident, have you asked her? Or do you just judge from your own perspective? Or does one incident make them bad parents?

No, those are NOT separate issues. Not in my view.

You can't make her stop unless she decides to herself. Sowwy.