SIL has a problem with me smoking and is threatening that I will not be able to see my soon to be grandson. If he finds me having a cigarette he follows me and reprimands me. What should I do? I feel threatened that he can control me and tell me what I have to do.

I put the pool hose for the vacuum in the skimmer different than he does and is upset because he thinks I am undermining is authority. I was just helping my daughter when she asked me to connect it.

Blah blah blah

You are right - blah, blah, blah.

I can't help with the pool hose. Your pool? His pool?

As far as smoking I don't want anyone smoking in the PRESENCE of my step-grandchildren. Is that the problem -or is the problem smoking in general.

You appear to spend a lot of time together if he's always doing something or other. Do you live together?

What does your daughter say in all this?

It sounds to me like maybe there needs to be some boundaries set.

Many people agree to accommodate people who choose to smoke, by designating a specific place. If your son in law is following you around- is it inside or outside?

I take it the 'blah blah blah' has to do with him being critical of more than your decision to smoke, and how you fix the pool. Is he critical in other ways as well?

I don't see how a compromise cannot work for all of you.

Are you a male of female?

It does not behove you to smoke before your children or grandchildren or son-in-law or daughter-in-law. If you do not stop, your children do the duty.

Do not be angry!
Just calm.

By the way, what does your daughter say in this matter?

You are right - blah, blah, blah.

I can't help with the pool hose. Your pool? His pool?

As far as smoking I don't want anyone smoking in the PRESENCE of my step-grandchildren. Is that the problem -or is the problem smoking in general.

You appear to spend a lot of time together if he's always doing something or other. Do you live together?

We do not live together I live 20 minutes away. I help when my daughter ask me ie: house cleaning, laundry, painting the babies room etc.

Just had a drive to Alabama to see my brother. My daughter, son-in-law and I drove a 10 hour one way trip and that is when he haunted me. Mostly every time I had a cigarette when we stopped and when we were at my brothers he constantly made comments about quitting. After eating at a restaurant went outside to grab a quick cigarette he came out to talk to be about smoking again. I blew and told him he was ruining my vacation and to back off. Things haven't been the same. My daughter states that it was before then we had problems. If he does things one way and he is not home for a week I help and do it the way I know and he feels I am going against him. I backed off then, thinking I was causing more trouble than help. Now I am really ready to stop helping in anyway even if my daughter ask for help.


Are you a male of female?

It does not behove you to smoke before your children or grandchildren or son-in-law or daughter-in-law. If you do not stop, your children do the duty.

Do not be angry!
Just calm.

By the way, what does your daughter say in this matter?

My daughter has wanted me to quite for a long time and now more so. She wants me to be around for the baby. I would never smoke around her being pregnant and when the baby is born. But should he be giving me an ultimatum quite smoking or you risk not seeing your grandchild.


It sounds to me like maybe there needs to be some boundaries set.

Many people agree to accommodate people who choose to smoke, by designating a specific place. If your son in law is following you around- is it inside or outside?

I take it the 'blah blah blah' has to do with him being critical of more than your decision to smoke, and how you fix the pool. Is he critical in other ways as well?

I don't see how a compromise cannot work for all of you.

Blah blah is my running my mouth and complaining. I never smoke inside or in a car when people are there. He does not want me giving advise or helping at all it pisses him off if I have a different opion. My daughter and I have always been very close and she listen to my advise even now, I only give it when she ask for it I mostly listen. And a lot of time on his side and help her see different sides and why she might rethink her opinion. I love her and we always have been very close.

Does it really boil down to the fact that he thinks you smoke "too much"?

I believe parents can and should control the environment in which their children are placed as well as who is around the children. Why does your daughter allow your son in law to make all the rules when it's her child, too?

But, basically, yes, your sil can tell you whatever he feels likie telling you - I still don't understand what he said. Stop smoking or you can't see the grandchild? Something else?

I also see you are a disabled veteran, collecting benefits but you clean your daughter's house, do her laundry, paint inside rooms, maintain the pool? Isn't this putting your health and benefits at risk? Why does your daughter need so much help, particularly when you are disabled?

If your daughter believes the problem between you and son is law is long standing, what does she say about the cause?

Although this seems complicated, it really shouldn't be.
Your daughter has someone in her life now who is equally as dear to her as you. Add to that a child, and you now have something more important than all of you: the next generation, needing a loving environment. Your 'job' isn't fixing the pool and working on the house, it's being as agreeable as possible. Yes, it's a sacrifice of sorts.
You need to sit down with your daughter and ask her if it would be better to stay away more often. The smoking issue alone is huge. We don't know if your clothes and hair smell or not, but I can smell it on people a mile away.
Your daughter is the ONLY person who handles this. You don't cause dissension between them by being at odds with her husband. You do this for the sake of the child.

I am 10% disabled and try to help to her. She has a high stress sales job and works 10 hour days. But is hard on me to help, but do as much as I can to help her have some down time on the weekends. I am a full time student and do not work yet.
SIL says that he doesn't want to have to deal with my daughter if she loses me and smoking is limiting my life expectancy. And to motivate me he has requested I get smoking before the baby is born or there will be consequences in seeing the baby.
She states that I have been her momma for 35 years and I am her best friend along with her husband and she feels stressed when we are around each other and wants us to all have a pow wow sit down. I feel it should be him and me one on one maybe over dinner. But as I a m the elder that he as no authority what I do in my personal time. Of course I will not smoke around the baby or at there house anymore.

First time parents need time and space to make their adjustments and we grand parents have to know when not to help and be busy in our own lives. Or shut up and let them find out for themselves what they need to do.

Especially disabled vet, just becoming single, grandmothers. Of course young people think they know better than we do but they don't.

She wants the pow wow, so pow wow it should be!
She rules the situation when no one can agree. She's the mother to be. She's the one caught between two people she loves.

I agree that he should stay out of your life away from them. It is ludicrous of him to 'order' you to live a long life so that you can help her when he's away. You could die tomorrow getting hit by a truck and it's none of his business anyway. But SHE should be the one to tell HIM this. While I don't agree with the pow wow, I also don't agree with it being just you and him. She arbitrates this 3 way negotiation, and it won't be easy. But you can help by not getting into it with him.
Write down what you all agree on. Treat it like a college course: In-laws 101.

First time parents need time and space to make their adjustments and we grand parents have to know when not to help and be busy in our own lives. Or shut up and let them find out for themselves what they need to do.

Especially disabled vet, just becoming single, grandmothers. Of course young people think they know better than we do but they don't.

Wow, it is so great to get the support and input from you I am listening.

She wants the pow wow, so pow wow it should be!
She rules the situation when no one can agree. She's the mother to be. She's the one caught between two people she loves.

I agree that he should stay out of your life away from them. It is ludicrous of him to 'order' you to live a long life so that you can help her when he's away. You could die tomorrow getting hit by a truck and it's none of his business anyway. But SHE should be the one to tell HIM this. While I don't agree with the pow wow, I also don't agree with it being just you and him. She arbitrates this 3 way negotiation, and it won't be easy. But you can help by not getting into it with him.
Write down what you all agree on. Treat it like a college course: In-laws 101.
Thanks, I am seeing her tonight for dinner and show her a possible chair for the babies room. And I can't wait to get this resolved. I will listen and stay out of there relationship of course. I will live my own life. Very concerned about taking care or the baby full-time and the problems it might cause. How can you not be an influence on the child just by being you, I am thinking he is concerned about be being around the baby so much and him not having control over my influence. I believe in spoiling and loving a baby but being consistent with rules. He does not believe in spoiling a child with love. Maybe they should get a childcare provider instead of me.

I generally let the young guys walk around as they try to establish their bonafides as responsible young men, strong and in control and capable. I probably was a lot like that myself back in the day. Same goes for young females, and its obvious your daughter is on both your sides.

As an older guy I have to stay cool and calm when the youngsters are not. Your best options are deal with your daughter and grand kids, as this guy isn't around enough to enforce a damn thing, and he will find his wife not being happy with mistreating her mom, and adjust his behavior in time if he is smart.

I am puzzled why you even let this young guy get to you? If he wants to go behind you and make changes his way let him, if he wants to cry beech and moan, let him. That's how young guys do until they are properly trained, which may take quite a while, but between you and your daughter, it will get done so just relax, go have a smoke, enjoy it, let 'em beech because ain't a damn thing they can do to change you. If he didn't beech about smoking or the pool hose, it would be something else right?

But you already know all that.

Tanali Ram,

You are right. But, he/she has to leave smoking. Is not it?

Tanali Ram,

You are right. But, he/she has to leave smoking. Is not it?

No its not, that's a decision made by the smoker. As is your decision NOT to.

"You are right. But, he/she has to leave smoking. Is not it?"

It's the Grandmother's decision whether to smoke. It's the parents' decision whether she smokes in the presence of the child and/or pregnant mother to be.

Why do you think the grandmother has to quit - to keep peace?

He works local now and is home every night and I am around very little. Only when my daughter ask me for help. She can't quite rely on her husband to get the job done. I am sure that ticks him off that I am intruding in his space. I will back off from know on and insist my daughter go to him primarliy and let me out of it. But taking care of my grandchild soon from probably 7-6pm I know is going to be a problem because of him. Thanks for everything. I have never been a grandmother and I was a single parent. My daughter is the love of my life but I don't have grandpa's advise in matters.

They are just getting started as are you. Be cool anything sets off these youngsters who know everything now.

Yes our job is too spoil my grand kids, and yes I spoiled my kids too. So what sue me!

Maybe nicotine gum would help when you are near them, and also help you to quit.

They are just getting started as are you. Be cool anything sets off these youngsters who know everything now.

Yes our job is too spoil my grand kids, and yes I spoiled my kids too. So what sue me!

Wow, I love the way you state it, it is pretty simple isn't it. Be patient, listen and let them figure it out.
Just got home from dinner with daughter and knew she wanted to talk. She wants be to listen when we have a pow wow, probably this Saturday. My concern was I wanted her to mediate she agreed but said it would be hard because she loves us both. I was right that he is worried that I will have a big influence on the baby and he suggesting a nanny instead. I told her that what ever they decide but I will not take care of my grandchild when she goes back to work if he is not 100% wanting me to. I think she was surprised. I also stated that I was the best person to take care of my grandbaby not a stranger.And the 1st couple of years are very important.
She also stated that he sees me spoiling my dog and him not minding and I think he is cute. He is concerned I am not going to raise him right and I am too nice. I doesn't like it and it makes him feel uncomfortable like I am trying to hard for him to like me. I don't know I quess I will just let time work it all out like you suggested .


Maybe nicotine gum would help when you are near them, and also help you to quit.
You're right thanks.