I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be OK with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?

The best way to stop humiliating yourself is to realize the you life with this guy is a train wreck and you need to walk away while you still can and heal you wounds and find someone in your life that you can be happy with and will tread you with respect and not just another piece of .

Uhh leave. Its not hard, turn around, walk away. Simple.

Ooooo000oooo00... I think someone's caught feelings for tha brute.

Lillian -- It sound to me like your in need of a complete make over -[I hate those shows]-new job,new city , and most important a love of just your own.It would be a hard first step --but just ponder on the rewards. --Savage

He really sounds like a boar!
You deserve so much better. Not only do you deserve to have someone who will treat you with respect, you deserve to have a man who will be committed to you, not just to having sex with you.
You said that, after two and half years of being with this man, he forgot your birthday. That's absolutely inexcusable, especially since you remember his birthday, and his sister's. I understand that he is concerned about the wellbeing of his son, no to mention that, were he to divorce his wife, he would be screwed over by alimony and child support. Nonetheless, you should leave him. It doesn't sound like he's benefitting you in any way.
You don't need to move to a new city, or even find a new job. You just need to leave this man, and begin living your life for yourself, without having to deal with the drama and stress he brings into your life.
You're right, you are humiliating yourself... by remaining the mistress of this good for nothing. So, pack your bags, or change the lock on your door, and declare yourself a free woman. After all, as Nina Simone so eloquently put it:

"The other woman finds time to manicure her nails
The other woman is perfect where her rival fails
And shes never seen with pin curls in her hair

The other woman enchantes her clothes with french perfume
The other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each room
There are never toys thats scattered everywhere

And when her baby comes to call
Hell find her waiting like a lonesome queen
Cos when shes by his side
Its such a change from old routine

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone"

-m

It's not that he forgot my birthday. He remembered it; he came over and we had sex. He just didn't get me anything, not even a card. But he asked me to buy him a soda and bring it to him and he accepted the card. I guess I am just not worth buying a present for. He used to bring me some little trinket home from the beach; this year he didn't, even though he sure took the t-shirt I bought him when I came back from the beach. He won't ever say I love you. Not even a "love ya" as we hang up the phone. I have told him I like flowers and would be thrilled with even a dandelion he yanked up off the side of the road. I am sure he is now determined to never bring me flowers. He sure never has. A matter of principle, I am sure.
I am just going to start being busy on days he has penciled me in for sex (Sunday afternoons) and act like I got tied up with something. As much as it hurts, I am sure he will pretty quickly get somebody else lined up for extra sex on the side.

He is probably having sex with more then just you and his partner. Sack this piece of sh&#. Why are you even still having sex with this person. You asked for advice before and obvious you did not listen to it. Will you listen to it this time and stop having sex and stop seeing this poor of an excuse of a man. You need to take responsibility in this mess as well. Do you want to die an early age, do you want to continue humilating yourself then continue seeing this person.

The only way to stop the mess is by leaving it far behind.
No more contact. NONE.

Joe

I just shudder to think how he must be behaving at home if his wife does not suspect after 2 1/2 YEARS. That is probably part of the thrill, knowing that 2 women are so stupid and that they both WANT so desperately to believe he loves them. I do wish I could move away.

Jesushelper76 basically made a point I was thinking. Only Sunday afternoons? I bet he has something going on Saturdays as well, and it isn't with his wife or kid.

The big question is: do you feel like you love him?

You didn't mention it anywhere in your posts, but not being able to walk away...

You know he isn't good for you and have even stated why - you've also broken up a few times and yet are still coming here for advice.

Darling, I say you get a few good friends of yours together and make Sunday afternoons a time to be with your friends who are worth your time rather than being with him. They will also be able to help keep you strong.

Yes, I love him and I have always thought our time together was special. He is a very tender, alsmost shy lover, which absolutely melted my heart. And there is something about his build and his voice and his way of looking at things. But all of those things I love, I am pretty sure someone else loves too, and she wears his ring and has borne 2 of his children. And I am just tired of wondering WHY all the time. I know he likes certain things: the smell of oranges, the beach, ball caps. And because I love him I have tried to wear fragrances with the smell of oranges; I have bought ball caps--one especially that he asked for when I went on vacation to the beach. Yet, he has never brought me flowers. He got me nothing for my birthday. He chokes on I love you and only said it when I told him we weren't making love anymore w/o it (after 2 years). He has never just up and said it. And in the back of my head I wonder why his wife doesn't suspect after so long; I wonder if it is because he convinces her of things like he convinces me--with lies and half truths and by acting offended if she questions him. The bottom line is IF he loved me, I would feel it instead of feeling like I am just trying to convince myself that he does, wouldn't I?
After he made the comment about Pamela Anderson's b**b, he started laughing and swore it was a joke. He called me 4 or 5 times (I wasn't answering) and paged me. But what he said was: You best not be mad at me on my birthday. And he swore he wouldn't have been offended if I had something similar. But I NEVER would have said anything like that because for me he is IT and it hurts to know that I am just--- extra cheese.

Ah girl -- there are lots of guys out here for you to feel the same about with no strings attached -- and They are looking for YOU. But as long as you kept yourself trapped in a deadend relationship you will never see us will you?-- Savage

I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be ok with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?
Just call it quits, and mean it. There is no easy way if you share feelings. But don't see him, don't talk to him and just generally try to avoid him in all things. If you want it to end this is what you must do. Find someone who is not spoken for and the transition period will be less painful and pass more quick.

OK misss...

I am so sorry for what I am about to say, but I'm going to be brutally honest with you.

You're missing the point. "love".<----this thing right here is what's making you stay with him. The reason you can't see a life without him is because you are BLINDED.

You can't see right now. You can't think straight, and your judgement is off key.

If you were thinking logically, you'd realize that you're in a relationship with a man who's cheating on his wife with you and cheating on you with his wife. And is probably cheating on both of you with someone else.

You will not leave this person. Why? "love"<----because of this thing right here.

In order for you to really grasp this concept is for something to happen. To make you realize what you are doing. Which probably won't happen now, why? Because of this thing right here:

-->"love"<--

Our advice you will take with you and you will know and understand what you are doing.
But, will you use it to correct and rectify your mistake?

NO. you know why? There it is again -->"love"

You will continue to make the same mistake unless something is done about that emotion.

It controls every aspect of you. It prevents you from making rational decisions.

Here, let me elaborate from a personal experience:
I fell in "love" with a girl and we had a relationship for four years, in the beginning I knew she was cheating on me, I just knew it, it never showed itself to me, it never reared its ugly head, but I knew, blinded by my "love" for her I continued the relationship. Years into the relationship another problem happened, another sign she was cheating on me. Once again I knew, but never did anything about it... still blinded... well, it finally reared its ugly head. She broke out in tears and told me she was cheating on me the whole time I was with her. She told me she was weak and wanted me to move on, still... blinded... I wanted to give her another chance. I told her we could make it work. But she told me it would only get worse and stongly advised me to move on...

I didn't listen... still... blinded... the next day I tried to pretend everything was all cool.
Yea I got my girl back its all good. We talked, blah blah blah... then I asked her to go to the movies with me. She said no, she never says no. well any ways she calls me back to tell me she will take me but she won't go with me, so I ask my friend to go with me. So its us three in the car and I wanted to throw up, my friend and I noticed it at the same time and we looked at each other. He wanted to say something but I told him not to, its my burden, I told him not to worry about it.

THE WHOLE CAR SMELLED LIKE SEX. I snapped...

The thoughts that were racing through my head... I literally wanted to strangle this girl to death, but I came back to reality, just for that moment.

I told her it was over.

This thing right here ------>"love"<------

Until something happens to purge it from you and break your connection with him, you are not going to be in the right state of mind.

Nothing comes in the way of true love... nothing. If this man loved you he would let nothing else stand in the way of being with you. That is what true love is. And the son excuse... he would be able to make that work too. You obviously love him, and that's why it is so easy for him to give you hope, and to blind you with excuses.
End it.

Part of the problem is that I live in a little hick place where my whole life comprises going to work, coming home, teaching my class, working on little projects at the house, visiting my kids and going to work again. I have papered the state with resumes trying to get away, but I am overqualified or underqualified or maybe I just don't exist at all.
THERE IS NOBODY LOOKING FOR ME--SINGLE OR OTHERISE. I am attractive and I am smart; I love deeply and I give and care and I am talented. But nobody cares. For my kids, I am over the hill and a drag. I have one single friend (a guy--no attraction, just friendship)---everyone else is married.
I don't mind not being married, but as I told my lover (can you have a lover w/o love?): I want a boyfriend;someone to take me to dinner and the movies and away for the weekend. Did he say: "Gee, that can't be me"? No, he said he would try. HOW?? I asked him today, "does your wife love you? Are you helping yourself to the love of 2 women?' He said he guessed she did. In other words, yes, she does, but he is still entitled to both of us.
But he isn't----- because it is too painful for the one who doesn't have the ring and the kids.
But instead of cutting my losses I obsess about WHY can't he love me? I want him to. And I feel there is something just off about me because he doesn't.
I am such a mess.:(

So you know he is an absolutely terrible person, but you can't let go. You are not going to find an answer to your question here. No one can tell you how to end this affair, or how to stop loving him, or how to make him realize. Because the only answer anyone can give you is stop, and end it, but you won't do that until you convince yourself that it is for the best, and that despite the fact that you are going to be lonely, it's the only right choice you have. It is so easy for others to say leave him, because it sounds so easy. I know its not. I would try to deal with this one by yourself.

Part of the problem is that I live in a little hick place where my whole life is comprised of going to work, coming home, teaching my class, working on little projects at the house, visiting my kids and going to work again. I have papered the state with resumes trying to get away, but I am overqualified or underqualified or maybe I just don't exist at all..:(

You have to concentrate on what's importat right now. All of these things that you are doing is good, just keep it up.


THERE IS NOBODY LOOKING FOR ME--SINGLE OR OTHERISE. I am attractive and I am smart; I love deeply and I give and care and I am talented. But nobody cares. For my kids, I am over the hill and a drag. I have one single friend (a guy--no attraction, just friendship)---everyone else is married...:(

Don't beat yourself up, trust me there's no point in doing that, tried it didn't work. There is always someone looking, you just haven't found the right person yet. You need to reflect on yourself a little more. Don't worry about him. Worry about you and your kids, as he is doing the same. Only thing is he's using you to get what he's not getting from his wife, whatever it may be. Once again you have to take a step back and see it from the larger perspective.
Which right now you won't, as you are in love, but take with you the advice.


I don't mind not being married, but as I told my lover (can you have a lover w/o love?): I want a boyfriend;someone to take me to dinner and the movies and away for the weekend....:(

You will not have this kind of privlege. As he has his own priorities and his own agenda with HIS family. You need to search else where if you want the kind of boyfriend you're searching for, because its not here.


Did he say: "Gee, that can't be me"? No, he said he would try. HOW?????? I asked him today, "does your wife love you? Are you helping yourself to the love of 2 women?' He said he guessed she did. In other words, yes, she does, but he is still entitled to both of us.
But he isn't----- because it is too painful for the one who doesn't have the ring and the kids.
But instead of cutting my losses I obsess about WHY can't he love me? I want him to. And I feel there is something just off about me because he doesn't.
I am such a mess.:(

You believe him because you are in love.

You obsess because you are BLINDED.

And you feel pain because you know what you are doing, but have no contol of your actions.

You will continue to hurt yourself, until something clicks in your head.

Until then, god speed.

After reading all these posts and your last one I really think your in denial. Look he's never leaving his wife. Not now, not when his son is 18, not when his son is 21, not ever. Your just his side toy. But you keep hoping and justifying. There is no hope and there is no justification. Small town or not, whether he works with you or not the reality is you have to pull out of this or he's just going to continue using you and gaining nothing but confidence that you keep falling for his lines and charm, while you keep losing self respect, self dignity, and that part of yourself that tells you this is wrong. Eventually that part will just give up and you'll always be the side toy. So you can either find the strength to quit now or wonder in 10 years why he stays with his wife but continues to say that he loves you.

Let me guess...

His wife doesn't understand him, there's no love anymore and he doesn't care but he stays for the child...

Come one... do yourself a favour...

Think of this: a man who is married and has a child cheat on his wife with you.
Now, picture this... suppose that he will leave his wife for you and build a new life with you... how do you know he can be trusted... after all: he cheats on his wife now...

Is that what you want for yourself ?
Don't you deserve a little better ?

Good luck.

Well, thank you to everyone who has tried to help me. I do appreciate it very much.

Ahh the victim is back -- [teasing ] -- really as you know we can not "help" you. All we can do is help you see.

Kindly come back someday and let us know how your doing -- Savage [And heck it wouldn't hurt and might help you to stick around and help others.]

I am joining the vowels movement.

I think everyone here is being very blunt with you and maybe they're right. I was in a similar position not to long ago, only I'm a younger guy and she was the older married women, the only difference in my situation was that she used me for sex but also led me on by telling me that we were going to be together and get married... she just kept needing "more time" but when the time came to make a choice she stabbed me in the back and riped my heart out. (yes this happens to guys too) I know, I'm a big wuss :)

In your case you have a huge advantage over the situation, you know exactly how he feels and you know how he expects you to feel. I really can't stand the "you knew he was married so you should be fine" What a load of BS, I know when he tells you that it makes you mad and I feel for you. Love doesn't know any boundaries, it's not controlled by someone's status, you can only control your actions, not your feelings.

I wish I could tell you that he will come around and you were meant to be together and it's all going to work out, but I think you already know that it just doesn't work that way. I know how hard it is, I know how lonely the nights can be and I know trying to sort everything out in your head just confuses the situation even more. Maybe I'm totally off the mark and you're much more stronger then I am... not very hard ;) But I'm moving on and little by little the thoughts of the past go away and are replaced with hopes for the future. I believe there are good things waiting ahead for you, go get them!

You need to break up with this man. You've wasted 2 1/2 years of your life in a dead-end situation. Cut your losses now and move on. It will be very hard. It's going to hurt and you're going to want to call him and get back together (as has happened a dozen times before). You'll have to stay strong and tell yourself that he's already wasted 2 1/2 years of your life, you won't let him waste another minute.

I had an affair with a married coworker for 19 months a long time ago. I too never received Christmas/birthday gifts from him. Affairs are wrong morally and ethically and that's why you're suffering. You can't do something bad and expect to feel good. Like attracts like. You're attracting poor behavior because you're conducting yourself in a poor manner.

I unglued myself from that affair because I gathered together the strength and did it. I knew that if he loved me as he said he did, he'd get a divorce and propose to me. Never happened. Not even close. He realized that my door was now closed to him, and he was gone in a heartbeat. I changed my number, returned his love letters and artwork, dealt with the pain.

But here's the kicker... I find myself in a similar situation again (this time it's an emotional affair vs. a physical one). If you've got low self-esteem and low self-confidence, you're going to keep treating yourself like garbage. The universe will keep throwing the same lessons your way until you get it together. If the foundation is a crumbled, rotting mess, the building will soon collapse. You've got to fix your foundation (your moral fiber). Please understand that I'm not judging you, but I've been through this exact situation. And I'm dealing with various problems right now and am in the process of resolving them.

So, although you may dump him and move on, there are serious underlying issues as to why you're doing this to yourself. For some reason, you don't feel like you're good enough. You have an inner voice telling you that you don't deserve anything better than a man who ignores you on your birthday. Why is this so?

I may very well have low self-esteem. I sure do feel I am not good enough--and I know what happened in my childhood that triggers those feelings. But I didn't get into this relationship with M WANTING to get kicked around. At the time I was divorced and I had 2 kids at home, who stayed with their Dad every other weekend, and it killed me when they were gone. M and I were friends, and our younger kids were the same age. We used to talk and talk about how hard it was letting go of them (they were both 6 when we started working here). Over the years we told each other our whole life story. I knew about his grandmother, his folks, his sister and her kids, his kids as they grew up---but never his wife. I don't even know her name. She was never mentioned as anything but "they": They went shopping; they went to church. I wasn't curious. He had his world and I had mine with the boys. He said he tried to leave his marriage once--she got pregnant with his son and he stayed. He loves that boy with the same intensity I love my youngest son. He told me he didn't even love his daughters as much as he loved that boy. I suspect that he wrapped up in the boy to withstand the fallout from his attempt to leave the marriage. And heck, I am divorced. I KNOW what a horror a divorce can be under the best of circumstances. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
It's just that in the 2 years and 8months, I have lost my heart completely to this guy. I went from a distraction on the weekends with a sexy, handsome friend, to wanting to be with this guy all the time. And he is not a mean, cruel man. He remembered my birthday; he just didn't buy me a present. He says he is just not used to saying I love you; he doesn't say it much. He says that while he supposes his wife loves him; he does not love her. He said, "I love my kids" and yesterday for the first time EVER he said, "And I love you."
It's just so hard. I know what the whole thing looks like and I am scared to death he is playing me, but I can't seem to make myself believe that 100%. If he was, wouldn't he have lied all along about her, the marriage and loving me? He has never said I love you without being asked before in all this time. I want to believe him.
It's so odd--this type of thing in one's life-- because one day everything seems painted thundercloud grey; the next day daffodil yellow. One day, I think I can handle the situation; the next I am an idiot.

This guy is such an a**!! He sounds extremely selfish, and really immature to be honest. He is not good for your or his wife.

How do you post a picture? Is it under signature?

Go to profile and edit picture, then browse to pick the one you want ;)

Got it! Thanks

Lilliandiana, I can feel that you're at that threshold of pain. You're ready to make a change. I picture you as the baby bird ready to jump out of the nest. But you're scared. Two and a half years of comfort, companionship, and regular sex are about to go bye-bye.

I know you and the married guy have shared a lot: memories, laughs, moments. But it's all meaningless. Whispers in the wind. Here one moment and then gone. There's nothing solid with him. You're hidden behind closed doors. If you tried to infringe upon his life with his wife, you'd find out very quickly who he values more. You already know it in your heart. It's painful. It hurts to know that the person you love cannot or will not love you back the way you ache to be loved. He kind of likes you on some level, yes, but this is not love. He's a ghost. The relationship is nothing. His wife is #1. She always will be. I guarantee it. He may complain about this or that, but he married her, he had kids with her, he's built a life with her, everyone knows he's with her. He wants her by his side always. All his actions show it.

You need to start seeing this man for exactly who he is. Please try to get out of the lovestruck fog you're in and see the truth. He's a liar. He's a cheater. He has no respect for women. He has no respect for marriage. He doesn't know how to raise children (being a good father means treating the kids' mother well). He's hurting his wife and he's hurting you. And he doesn't care. As long as you don't give him any trouble, he'll keep you around. That could go on for years and years. Your entire life could easily slip away with this joker.

Loneliness pushed you into his grasp; let honor and integrity let you out. Do what is right. You have children. You're a role model. Set a good example. Show your children how a good woman lives her life.

Oh my gosh, sweetie, your story is my story. My eyes were as big as a soccer ball, I'm sure, when I read your story. I'm from Indiana and having an affair with my boss for 2 years. Buys me nothing, takes me no where and I am in love with the man. I beat myself up everyday wondering how I can be in love with him. Stupid? I know I deserve better and more and I know all of the things they say about married men, just can't seem to pull myself away from this man. I love the way he walks, talks, and has sex. Never thought I would meet my "match". He is it. I can tell he has feelings for me but he won't say anything.

This guy is seriously having his cake and eating it too. All that you know about him, his family, his wife, his "story" is through his perspective. Get it? He's not going to tell you all of it and make himself seem like a real turd. You really think he would be honest enough and man enough to say, "well, things aren't good between me and my wife because I'm selfish, or I don't treat her well, or....blank". No, he won't tell you that. Remember the old saying, there are 3 sides to every story, his, hers and the truth...

He say's he's not in love with his wife although he thinks she is in love with him. That tells me that she may be kind and loving to him but he's bored with the whole thing. Bored! You want to cater to that? Bored! I can guarantee you that your time will come, where he will become bored with you too and move on to the next exciting thing. He's a selfish jerk. What kind of "man" says to his mistress that he wants Pamela Anderson's boob for a birthday gift? The kind that doesn't respect her or cares what she thinks or if she's hurt by it, or worse, doesn't think she has the dignity to walk away from treatment like that.

Don't assist him in hurting his family. He doesn't love his daughters as much as he loves his son?. sounds like he doesn't really like women, period. Not that he's gay, no affection for them, he just doesn't love women. He loves to use them, but he doesn't love them. He's playing you, and he's playing his family, big time, but I guess you already know that and as long as it scratches the loneliness itch it's acceptable to you. Sad really. It shouldn't be that way.

I have wondered about the not liking women part because he has serious issues with his mother. His Dad was an over the road trucker and his Mom worked full-time. He was raised by his grandmother. Both his parents forgot his birthday last week, but it was his mom he said there was"no excuse for".
I do want y'all to know that I do NOT sit at home by the phone waiting for the opportunity to help him hurt his family. My kids are grown, but I have other interests; I have a very demanding job and I teach a class at the local college 1 night a week. I am working on a novel--I have finished 14 chapters and I am refinishing pieces of furniture and working on my house now that my last child is now living elsewhere.
I am not LIVING until the day I can be with him because I have a life. There's just this big hole when he is not in my life---and not just because he is not there. Because I don't want to be duped and dumped and double-whammied--not having him and not having the truth.

There is an awful lot of "he" and "him" in your sentences...

You sound like a talented woman, move on... where one door closes another one will open...

Never settle for less... you owe it to yourself.


Good luck

Forgot to add something when I posted yesterday... I bought the most amazing book and have read and re-read it for encouragement and strength to get past my own torrid affair with my boss. It is called "Why men love es". This book has been the light at the end of my tunnel. Seriously, I pick it apart everyday and realize now I have been nothing but a doormat to the man I am having sex with, but well, NO MORE. Everyday I try to implement the things I have read in this book with my daily life at work. Things are slowly coming around for me with him and I do feel that deep down inside I am slowly pulling myself away from him. This has taken time and I do believe I deserve better and more. I am an awesome woman, was just extremely weak and lonely at the time. Starting to see him for the "so called man" he claims to be. I will continue to be nice to him but I know he has seen a change in me. Good luck sweetie, WE can do it!!

Lilli and Parrothead- After reading both of your posts, I can see that you are in a lose-lose situation. You lose, the families of these men lose, it's not good any way you slice it. Affection and the desire to have someone love you and spend time with you (and even some money) is a strong pull, but it should never be strong enough to draw you and keep you into a bad and immoral sitaution.

Ladies, I can appreciate that you're taking steps to grow and leave these men behind, but pulling away slowly probably isn't the best method. I think that every moment that you spend by their side is good for them, but not you and certainly not their family. When you've made the decision that you will not participate in crap like this, you walk away. When you step on dog poop, do you keep the shoe on and wipe it away slowly? Probably not. You take the shoe off as quick as your hands will allow and hose it off outside before bringing the shoe inside and throwing it in your washer, right?? Why would we act so quickly to be rid of a stench in our shoe, yet we are indecisive about saving our dignity, our soul? If we found a cancer in our bodies, we'd have a surgeon remove it immediately before it spreads and does more damage to our bodies, to avoid irreparable harm.

There's another book, "10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up their Lives" by Laura Schlessinger. I know she can be blunt and harsh, but sometimes, that's what we need to get our attention. The shame is that a lot of times, we won't read these books because we're afraid of seeing ourselves in them, yet that is what we desperately need.

I say we, because I'm a woman, not because I've ever cheated on my husband or even contemplated it. I think I chose my husband very wisely. I met lots of available men who were attractive to me, were fun, handsome, good listeners, yet they were missing something and I ended up paying the price for it. After so many heartbreaks, I made the choice to choose! Yep, choose my man. That meant that just cause he was flirting or was interested in me and showing me attention, that I didn't have to go out with him. I held out until I found one who was worthy in every way that was important to me. He had to have all the qualities that I thought were essential. Would he make a good partner, friend, father?? Did he share in my ethics, morals and values? Did he believe that commitment, honesty and communication was key in a relationship? Were our differences going to enhance each other or cause problems later? It took a while, but when I found him, that was it. It didn't hurt that he was gorgeous to boot, but that's just icing on the cake!


Choose. We choose our clothes more carefully than we choose our men! What's up with that? Choose. Choose to walk away and not look back, no matter the sob story or promises. These men are not trustworthy and don't really care how sad or depressed or undignified these affairs make you feel. Don't mess with married men, ever, for any reason. If they are unhappy, if their wife doesn't understand them, if they only married her cause she was pregnant or stayed cause she got pregnant, WHATEVER the scenario, it doesn't change the fact that they are MARRIED. It doesn't mean it's just a piece of paper. The decision to sign that paper, to make holy vows in front of God and others makes that paper very different and very special. If they chose not to be men of their word and signature, then that is a huge character flaw.

Never really understand why women put themselves in these situations. At what point in our lives do we say “Mommy when I grow up I want to be some mans concubine". Please forgive me for being harsh. You say you are in love with him. In love with what? Do you love him for cheating on his wife? Would you like it if you were the wife being cheated on? Do you love him for treating you like a whore. Do you love him because he buys his wife presents instead of getting you his mistress something? I hope you are developing a new sense of respect for yourself by ending this affair. This man you are falling in love with has reduced you to the level of a personal call girl that doesn’t get paid.

Sorry to be so blunt….but I think tuff love/advice was needed here.

ggmagoo is right on! At what point in our lives would any sane woman want to be the hidden secret, the reason for lying to their wives?? The sad part is women in this position may say, well, that's not my entire life, but it becomes that way. It takes a lot of work to keep a relationship like that going because everything has to be done discreetly. He has to sneak out, he can't spend a lot of money, sometimes any money, or she will be curious where that money is going, the mistress has a low spot on the totem pole. I don't understand what is so attractive about a relationship like that. I mean, that's kind of like buying a car that looks good but you can't drive it just anywhere, isn't dependable and will almost certainly be repossesed at some given time without notice.

ggmagoo is right on! At what point in our lives would any sane woman want to be the hidden secret, the reason for lying to their wives??? The sad part is women in this position may say, well, that's not my entire life, but it becomes that way. It takes alot of work to keep a relationship like that going because everything has to be done discreetly. He has to sneak out, he can't spend alot of money, sometimes any money, or she will be curious where that money is going, the mistress has a low spot on the totem pole. I don't understand what is so attractive about a relationship like that. I mean, that's kinda like buying a car that looks good but you can't drive it just anywhere, isn't dependable and will almost certainly be repossesed at some given time without notice.


Look... let's be honest: no woman would like to be in a situation like this. It is not what we have in mind for ourselves. Sometimes however, some women do. That does not make them a bad person, it's a very unfortunate choice that has been made. Because, having said this... it is about making choices. When somebody falls in love with a man who is married/engaged, it is about making a choice... Things do not "happen".. it's a choice to continue in a relationship like that.

As for the girl who asked for advice... this is her choice.
It takes a lot of strength to walk out of a situation as she described.
When you love yourself enough you will only allow people in your life who treat you with respect...

No good-tsk tsk. mαrried people αre big no no's.. αnd it's wrong for α reαson- look whαt you got into. Obviously your just his go-to girl αnd he's not gonnα treαt you like αnything speciαl becαuse your bαsicαlly α piece for him whenever he needs it. Get out of the relαtionship it's tαking you no where.

Omgsh I feel so bαd for his wife.

Sounds exactly like what I'm going through even the birthday thing god that's so exact to what I went through its almost scary. We should chat sometime I think we have a lot in common

While its true you cannot control who you fall in love with, you can control your actions. Stop contact with these married men and get control of your life and emotions, instead of giving in to what your heart is saying. Save yourself a lot of misery.

As far as I am concerned, M, his wife and I are all adults--no one guarantees us a perfect life in a perfect world. Maybe they should have been faithfully married for 50 years and walked into the sunset together. Maybe I should have had the same thing with my ex-husband, but that didn't happen. You can feel sorry for his wife, but you don't know her, and I have a hard time thinking she is a perfect woman who is being victimized. She is an adult woman in a marriage with an adult man and anything can happen there. No one else knows these people or what goes on between them. The local news this week is all about the married spouses of high school teachers who had affairs with students. I wonder how a marriage like that exists, with one spouse is completely in the dark about the activities of their partner. But it happens everywhere all the time.
I have made no demands and I have never called his house or his cell or even driven by his house. My choice is that I believe he doesn't want to plunge his children into the chaos and blood-letting of a divorce wherein he will be the bad guy. And I don't blame him. Say what you will about true love and that he should leave---as long as he stays, they live in the world they think is real: mother, father and kids. His son is nearly 16 and if that set-up keeps him in school and off the streets, then that is what should happen.
My problem is that I am in love and alone with everything--household repairs, auto accidents, family functions, etc. And when I am alone, I am filled with fear and doubt.

So because you are alone and afraid then it makes the choice you made to get with a maried man the right way to go? I don't think so. We all have choices and we must also deal with the consequences or the rewards for making those choices.

There are plenty of single men out there if you look. Then you won't be alone in everything, including your evenings.

I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be ok with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?
You need to follow your heart, and roll with it what ever you deceided, he say you have control of the good so make him want you, even tease him a little bit but don't give him anymore...

Short and sweet but here is my advice... You should never be okay with being second best! You need a relationship where you come in first. Easier said than done I know.. But you have to think of it in terms of the long run, there are too many feelings in the 'here and now' that make coming to any decision difficult.

You know.. I honestly don't understand people like you. Your complaining of someone who isn't nice to you, but your ALLOWING it to happen. Your only taken advantage of if YOU let that happen. I don't feel sorry for anybody who allows this to happen. I mean... get out of the relationship.. PERIOD! What do you want people to tell you ? You honestly think people are going to say "Oh stay in it, he loves you" Come on! Another thing.. how would YOU feel if you were on the other end of this? Would you like YOUR husband to have an affair? Would you live through that heartbreak? I truly believe, what comes around goes around and we all get our own payback in some way!
I think its time to grow up, kick this dude to the curb and get a man of your own!!

ggmagoo is right on! At what point in our lives would any sane woman want to be the hidden secret, the reason for lying to their wives??? The sad part is women in this position may say, well, that's not my entire life, but it becomes that way. It takes alot of work to keep a relationship like that going because everything has to be done discreetly. He has to sneak out, he can't spend alot of money, sometimes any money, or she will be curious where that money is going, the mistress has a low spot on the totem pole. I don't understand what is so attractive about a relationship like that. I mean, that's kinda like buying a car that looks good but you can't drive it just anywhere, isn't dependable and will almost certainly be repossesed at some given time without notice.

Lilli- Exactly what was it about my posts that was so "disagreeable"? I don't think you enjoy being his hidden secret, I do think this relationship is probably one of the most difficult relationships you've had and the one you've probably worked hardest at. Do you disagree that he's not making you a priority, if you were, he'd be divorced and with you. I don't think you're happy with the way things are and you wished you had more. You can have more, but not as long as you're holding on to the wrong things. I don't think what I said was untrue.

Listen, I'm not trying to be self-righteous here, but I am trying to sincerely help you. If that means shooting from the hip and not sugar coating things, than that's what I'm going to do if it means that I will contribute to to your life in a constructive way. I don't think you came here to have sunshine blown up your behind. If I was anything less than sincere, I would be doing you a great disservice. You have enough people patting you on the back and sympathizing with you, yet that's not really going to get you anything but a pat on the back. You seem like a strong gal. Use it. You don't need or want people's sympathy, you don't need to swap mistress stories, you need to see the poor choices you've made, put them behind you and move on with your life. I know you may feel sad and frustrated that your life is the same-old-same-old. Go to work, teach, do stuff with your kids and go to work again. Life's opportunities will probably not come knocking on your door. You want change, you need to go out and get it. Think outside the box, heck, get outside the box! Shake things up. Move if you have to, but don't stay in that stagnant water or you'll rot.

For the record... I don't win things very often so I proudly accept that Moral Superiority Award you gave me! I'd like to thank the academy... just kiddin;)

Well, you are certainly right that I have worked hard at this relationship. I worked harder at my marriage, though, and it went bust after 10 years anyway. And for the record, if you think I HAVEN'T lived through my husband cheating, you're wrong. I did. I don't know which was worse--the pulling away from me while I was trying so hard to be Superwoman, or the actual affair with the much younger girl. Doesn't matter. I survived and am stronger for it.
I don't agree that M's wife is this rare species of wounded bird whom I should feel responsible for, but I DO agree that if I feel taken advantage of (and I do sometimes--why I started all this), I AM the one letting it happen. If I didn't let it happen; if I didn't sweep under the rug all my frustrations and dismay at being second best, it wouldn't happen.
But as for hoping someone will say, "Oh yeah, he loves you"---I suppose that is EXACTLY what I was hoping.
And thanks, momincali, for your gracious reply for my VERY defensive one yesterday. I do appreciate your comments and the time to post them. I am at war with myself, but I didn't mean to take it out on anyone here.

disagrees: I didn't "get with" him. I am not married; I am breaking no promises to anyone. He did make promises and apparently they are difficult to live with, so he made a choice that most people would not. But that is his choice.
It is your choice to be with him, since all you had to do was say NO, so I guess you learned nothing from being cheated on, except maybe getting even. It was wrong for your husband to cheat and worse that you do it knowing first hand what the feelings are. That is callous and whom ever made the first move is irrelevant, because you are both wrong.

I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be ok with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?
You say you've broken up with him several times. As harsh as this will sound. You never broke up with him because you were never with him. That means, a single person dating a married man is always a single person. You will forever be waiting for him. Dating a married person is exciting for both the single and married person for physical and emotional purposes. You are an emotional outlet and will do what wifee won't do and you need to be needed. Would you want a man who can't be faithful to you. You are no prize if he were to leave his wife because and be with you and you didn't get any prize. Why do I sound so harsh... been there, done that for 4 years. Sweetie let go and love yourself. As long as he can keep you in limbo and emotionally hooked, he will. He has a lot to lose in comparison to you (his family, friends, ect). That is how he sees it and trust me, he is not leaving for you. He married that woman for a reason and is staying for a reason which should not be your concern. You will be the one hurt in the end because you will go to bed by yourself while he has his wife to hold him at night. There is more than one side to the story. Pray hard to get out of the situation and that all emotions are removed.

Not knowing your religion or faith, ask yourself these questions (which are based on my faith):

1. Do you believe that God knows your heart's desires?

2. Do you believe that God knows every hair on your head?

3. Would God bring anything to you that is not good for you?

4. Would God bring something or someone into your life that is against what His word states?
And if your answer is No to the last question, then would God bring a married man and his chaos, lies and manipulation into your life to be with you and disrupt your life?

Just something to really ponder.

As far as the work situation -- look for another job. Remove yourself from the situation, change your number and don't YOU look back because looking back will make you trip over the good things, good people and blessings that are in front of you.

I am not callous or vengeful. My husband did what he did because men are sometimes stuck and unhappy and this is how they feel better. My husband did it and I endured it because there was nothing I could do to change it. People do what they do because something drives them to--in his case, he couldn't handle being the breadwinner and being responsible for a wife and 4 kids. I don't feel he was immoral or a horrible person--just weak and maybe desperate to feel good again. (After her there were the 900 number calls... ). I guess that is where I learned that you don't compete for people or their feelings. He wasn't my possession and I refused to beg him to love me. If he had rather listen to some sexy voice than be with me----ok. I let go when there was no hope of avoiding the breakup of the family, but emotionally I let go a couple of years sooner than that.
I don't think M is trying to hurt anyone; I think he is stuck with trying to hold onto something for the sake of his kids and not wanting to create an explosion in his life-- and needing something else. I am stuck because I want him.
As for my job--it sucks. I love the work but many of the people make life hell for me. I have a bunch of resumes out there and will keep trying to get out of there.
You will continue to think badly of me Talaniman because you seem to need to make me into a horrible, hateful person and I am not.

Well it sounds like people can give advice and more advice and u are still going to be stuck in this situation. I guess its going to be YOUR decision on what you want to do. I don't honestly think that anyone's opinion is going to matter to you. I think your in something that you may like and not even realize it. Good luck to you, but I sure hope you do wake up one day and realize that you get one chance at this thing we call LIFE. Your going to wake up one day and its going to be the end, and your going to wonder WHY you wasted your life on someone so shallow.
Good luck!

I feel like I have a lot in common with you. I never thought of myself as a bad person when I was involved in a 19-month affair. I thought no one was being hurt. It was fun, good times for him and me. But the reality is that it was wrong, wrong, and wrong. I was using him as a means to escape from reality. He was using me for sex. This guy you're having an affair with is a bandaid on an open wound. You've selected him for a specific reason although you don't think so. He's uninterested in having a longterm, meaningful relationship with you. Besides that, I don't think you'd want him, anyway. What would you do if he showed up tomorrow, divorced and ready to go? Be honest.

I hope you find the strength to end this or you'll just be another mistress wasting her best years on a man who's not even 1% committed to her. If you do not believe you deserve more, it's hard for anyone else to convince you. I just started seeing a pyschologist... join me! Get to the root causes of your behavior patterns. Behaviors/actions are not easy to change, but they're easier to change than other things (physical disabilities, birth defects, etc.). Be thankful this is something you can wrap your mind around and alter.

Dump him. Feel the heartbreak. The only way to get through this pain is through it.

You're getting fantastic advice here! Some of it's blunt and to the point, some of it has softer edges. But all of it is coming from a place of encouragement, support, and compassion. Please heed it. Go back and read and reread everyone's posts until everything begins to sink in.

I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be ok with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?
héhéhé, my name is Pascale, I live in Belgium,and I live the same story , it s too funy!
My boyfriend is horrible, egoist to a level that no one can believe, married, and have you noticed how they are so'unhappy' home but still are going back there every single day!!
My 'Marc' is 47, let me pay the bill at restaurant, don't offer presents at birtday or valentine, and lets not talk about christmass,. I am laughing just writing this.His wife 's horrible, call him pig( wich now I believe he is),the worst is his attitude , he is racist, 'radin', superior,. physicly he is no goog looking at al!! Do not laugh, please!
And still, what am I doing giving that idiot my precious time and love.
It's really stupid, isn't it? Every morning I say, today I won't answer is phone, and at the end of the day I am the one calling!!
Now that I ve seen his wife , I do not want to end up like her, fat , extremely unhappy, blaming the rest of the world for every one , al my friends are detesting him, my daughter hates him,. and still as I writte to you I wai for his call!!

Come one , lets wake up , once and for al.

I just put the worst pictur of hiùm on my blog :
Blog de showmebiapoulet : showmebiapoulet (http://showmebiapoulet.skyblog.com)

Al the best

I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be ok with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?
Tell him you will be friends but not second fiddle. That if he really loves his son and wife he will accept that. If that don't work then you will have to end the friendship. Any way what kind of friend is he really if he only uses you for sex...

You will continue to think badly of me Talaniman because you seem to need to make me into a horrible, hateful person and I am not. If you cut contact with this fellow and build a life you enjoy without him, your world will change and as you move to a much healthier lifestyle you will be able to make better decisions based on fact and not just feelings. I don't think you are a bad person, you have made some bad decisions. You can change all of that if you want to. That's all I want for you is to want to change your life, and be happy and healthy. It can be done.

I AM getting great advice and I truly appreciate it. I do see a therapist and his advice is that I will never have any chance at a real relationship with M unless he ends the marriage and works through all the grieving and is finally ready to be in a spot to freely act on being with me. And OK, maybe I am a horrible person, but I don't think that would ever happen. I think if he did get divorced, he would use his freedom to see every woman in the countryside--because he would be FREE to do that. And I would partially understand the impulse because when I got divorced I spent YEARS revelling in not being stuck dealing with my husband's crap and doing what I pleased. Only I couldn't just wait on M to SEE every woman who is out there, and then trust that he would finally come back to me. It would hurt too badly to imagine him with countless other women---it is hard enough to imagine him with the one he goes home to (and whoever else he is attracted to). The only way I can is never having seen his wife. What gets me through that is the idea that he is stuck because of the boy.
So the only thing that makes sense to me to break free is to get away; get another job and get out of the area. It's funny I dreamed last night about some military man I have never seen in a different country who took a fancy to me and who insisted I go out with him. It WAS kind of exciting to be pursued by some powerful man who could offer me diamonds instead of key chains or the occasional milk shake.

The picture you posted on 3/31, I can't see.

lilliandiana disagrees: Obviously you didn't read the several posts that were helpful to me--specifically the one where I said that feeling second choice and taking advantage of--and I do sometimes--was my choice. That if I didn't like it I could change it did help me.

UMMM yeah, I have read all your posts. They are the same over and over. I just don't get really what your asking for on here? I mean the advice you have been given is coming from every angle, but then you come back with an excuse for your behavior or M's behavior every time.
So like I said, the advice on here could go on and on, but it is YOU who will have to make that final decision to go on with your life and dump M's butt and let him make that choice of who is more important. I think he is using his son as a vice NOT to leave his wife. Excuses excuses excuses!

You know I have read all the responses to my question along with other peoples stories in the same position as me, and its so true, after you look back and see all the lies that the married man told you it comes together like a puzzle. I was with him for 9 months and while that might not seem like a long time to some people it was to me, I felt like he was the man that I have been waiting for. But now its so odd how he never wants to see me anymore, or doesn't take me out or anything. I did believe him when he used to tell me that he wasn't with her intimately, but now that I think about it maybe that was a lie too. I have never been in a situation like this before with the whole married man thing, and its almost like if its as bad as he says it is then he would have left. He always told me that there was nothing there for her, I mean of course there was love there as a friend or so he told me so but as far as being in love like a married couple should on his part there was nothing there, and I believed it I think that I still do or at least part of me does. I always took his word for gold the whole time which is odd because of what he was doing behind her back and I know for a fact that this is not the first time that he has done this to her. Then I started to think can I ever trust anyone like this? If he does it with me he will do it to me. I hope that I'm starting to see the light. Im not in any way saying that this is easy but I am trying and letting the cards fall the way they are meant to fall. I know that in my heart I love him very much but I want to be more than someone's toy! Sometimes the hardest lessons are the best ones and I hope that no matter what happens I will see better and more clear after this. But on another note if he isn't happy why can't he leave? No kids involved, its almost like he's afraid to be happy, and trust me if there are no feeliings there like you should have for your mate they are never going to be there. Well any more advice would be helpful to me..

At some point, you have to gather together the courage and just do what needs to be done. Almost everyone has urged you to do what's right and break up with this married fellow. This is a situation where you need to follow your head, not your heart. I think you are scared to let go. But you must. Make a deadline for yourself and do it. No one will do it for you. He certainly won't unless you cross that invisible line in the sand (ask incessant questions about his wife, call his home, start insisting he get a divorce, etc.). I almost wish you would do that because then he'd dump you faster than you can imagine and this whole mess would be over. I sometimes think, in your case, that it'll only be over if/when he says it's over. You've wasted 2 1/2 years on him. I have a feeling it's going to go on for a very, very long time. You first posted on March 24, tomorrow is April 1st. Call that fool tomorrow and tell him not to contact you again or you'll be calling his wife and then the police. Then hang up. Then cry. Then figure out why you hate yourself. And change your number. And get checked out for STDs. Do it! Just do it! Make April Fool's Day a new beginning for you!

Has it ever occurred to anyone that these men may, and usually are Class A liars! I mean, it's no secret that many men are afraid of commitment for mainly one reason, they don't think they can handle the "one woman for life" bit. So, they don't. They cheat. So, in order to cheat and get away with it, they have to lie about it. The women they married may very well be the best thing since sliced bread, and they love her to death, BUT, they still need more. Different. It keeps them young, feeling like they can still attract others. So, in order to successfully get into another girl's pants, they paint the whole, I'm not happy, she doesn't treat me right or I fell out of love picture to get sympathy. This way, they can feel good that they are good to their wife's in every aspect and that the affair is just for a variety of sex, this way they don't have to go to hookers and get diseases. And, they get the loving girlfriend who makes them feel excited because they have something on the side and it satisfies their appetite. They may have several of these girlfriends.

Just a thought.

Has it ever occurred to anyone that these men may, and usually are Class A liars!

Ohhhhhhh is that NOT the truth. But my whole argument with this young woman, is WHY does SHE put up with it?? She is the one who needs to walk away, cause WHY would he walk away from a good thing?? The man has a wife and a girlfriend. What man wouldn't want that? I don't know, it just makes no sense to me WHY anyone would be in that kind of a relationship! I guess I am different.
But with everything said here, you would think she would see that it is not a healty place to be in her life!! :rolleyes:

Brooklyn1380,

You know, reading your post, I must admit, you are writing the very thing my married one told me. It is amazing how married me are not original. But let me tell you this much -- His happiness is not your concern. You made it your concern because you developed feelings for him however, you must detach yourself. Any man will agree with me when I state, " A man doesn't have to be happy to be married or to remain married." People get married and stay married for different reasons (e.g. money, sex, security, status, & the list goes on). Everyone doesn't get married for love and commitment. And that should be enough to help YOU walk away. You heart is telling you one thing and your brain is losing the battle. Let me say this. My mother told me that men can spot a needy and desperate woman. It is an aura that "we" give off about ourselves and makes it easy to prey on. Ergo, married men are attracted to them. Why because it is easy to come and go. Think of this, the moment you walk away, there will be another woman there for him if there isn't one already. He isn't faithful to his wife, nor is he faithful to you because you are #2 in the line-up of probably 3 or 4. If you really want to see his TRUE colors... do what I did and let the wife know who you are and where her husband has been. Not vindictively, but approach her as a woman and see if he doesn't defend his home and tell you to get the hell on. When the dirt you do in the street comes to your front door (i.e. his marriage and home) then all hell will break loose. And that is real. Test it and see. Your feelings will get hurt, but you will see what you are so in love with.

UMMM yeah, I have read all your posts. They are the same over and over. I just dont get really what your asking for on here? I mean the advice you have been given is coming from every angle, but then you come back with an excuse for your behavior or M's behavior every time.
So like I said, the advice on here could go on and on, but it is YOU who will have to make that final decision to go on with your life and dump M's butt and let him make that choice of who is more important. I think he is using his son as a vice NOT to leave his wife. Excuses excuses excuses!

I think this is a great point and I guess it actually makes me ask the question to Lilliandiana, what is it your looking for? Your seeing a therapist at your own expense, your wasting your life at your own expense, your using your own personal emotional reserves at your own expense, your completely broke in every sense of the word, that is not finanicially related, and maybe even there too. He provides, nothing to you, which to your credit you at least recognize.

But it begs the question, What are you really searching for? I think you've got the answer, I think you know the answer, so what's left? Are you looking for courage, strength, motivation, or something else that I can't think of. Maybe you haven't even thought about it. Try and think what it is that your searching for because this isn't the path you want to be one and you know that but you keep traveling down it anyway.

NOVICE, you know I have thought so much and more recently to go to his wife and tell her, not to be mean or throw it in her face, but to find out the truth or maybe some form of it. To find out what has really been going on and all he does is lie so I can't believe anything that he says, but I have thought about asking her things like on this date and so and so time was he with you? He has used every excuse in the book he even had told me after he stood me up one night for the 20th time that her grandmother was sick and she was too upset. I mean I always wanted to believe in him and always did but its so odd how one day you wake up and see the light and see everything for what it really is. I always believed that something is either black or white but after going through all the tears I can honestly say that sometimes there is a gray area. I don't know if I can emotionally face her yet, I still don't understand how he could just change like that and be such a cold person, but I guess he never changed it just took me a little longer to see it? What do you think

Hi to all you young ladies in this situation -

This is all so very sad -

Here's the thing - Whether he is being honest, loves you - doesn't loves you and so on...

Ask yourself this one question - If... this married man were to leave his wife (who he vowed to love, honour and cherish) for you and broke her heart and devastated her, can you imagine yourself, turning your back, grabbing this married man's hand and walking away happily?

Could you honestly feel true 100% happiness for the rest of your days, knowing that this now exwife is sitting alone, every night crying herself to sleep. The vision of that alone would give me the strenghth to say, No - no more, I can not do this to another individual.

Just try for one moment - to put aside your sadness, the love that you think you have for this man. Just for a minute. Visualize yourself as this man's wife. Be in her shoes. Forget the negative things he may have said about her. Imagine this happening to you. Try and feel the pain that his wife would feel and then compare it to what you are feeling now. There is a difference. A big difference.

I promise you, I do not judge you, any of you, at all. It's almost like a well that you fell into and I am hoping beyond hope that you can pull youselves out.

To be quite honest, I would much rather be the one to hurt, than to cause hurt. Not sure how many happy days I would experience knowing I caused so much pain for someone else. The love that I would have for someone would never be enough to make it okay to shatter another's heart.

And Brook - Please Please and Please, do not, go to this man's wife. Please. This is not your place. You would be adding insult to injury. You may conceal your need to get answers by saying she has a right to know. Yes, she does, but not by you, and all that will work itself out, please don't have a hand in it. Work on healing the hurt that you are feeling.

So the only thing that makes sense to me to break free is to get away; get another job and get out of the area.
See, you know this. What you lack is not knowledge, but will. Everyone here can validate, and maybe even add a bit to your knowledge, but they cannot give you will. That is yours and yours alone to supply. For the good of all concerned, I sincerely hope you find the power within yourself to actually act on what you know so well.

Its like a merry go round like I haven't called him at all, last night I stayed home and just hung out by myself thinking and pondering this whole situation (like I always do) and trying to figure out the lies from the truth, then this morning I get a text message saying the he hoped I had fun on my date last night, see that's what I don't get, I haven't seen anyone else but this married man and for some reason he tries to pull it out of thin air to get in his own head that I am. I myself aren't ready to even think about another relationship, but I know that it's bugging him a lot. And that's OK I guess, I'm trying to move on but I would like some answers from him, who knows if I ever will get them.

Brook

I don't know if i can emotionally face her yet, I still dont understand how he could just change like that and be such a cold person, but i guess he never changed it just took me a little longer to see it? what do you think

Brooklyn,

I may not have been as clear in my communication of my post to you. By telling the wife, you are letting go. Telling the wife isn't to verify his dishonesty. The wife doesn't have to answer anything and more than likely she will tell you where to go and how to get there, if you know what I mean. Or she may have a lot of questions for you contacting her home. Because at that point, YOU will be the one in the wrong because you are the other woman. She may already know about you. By simply bringing his dirt to his front door is for you to see his true character which you are blinded by now because you are in-love with this man. Let me tell you... he WILL protect his marriage and his home. He WILL become angry with you because you are no longer a secret and you are trying to come out of the dark. He WILL discontinue communicating with you so he can repair his marriage and that IS what you want if you truly want to move on. I just want you to see what you are so in-love with and sweetie, it isn't much. So don't let 9 months turn into 4, 5 or 10 years. He will still be married when you come out of it. Messing with a married man is exciting for both people involved but you will never be more than single because there is no such thing as having a married boyfriend. It is the pain that will come when you tell the wife and hopefully it is enough pain to push you far enough away from him. Plus, the wife will not divorce him so if that is your hope by telling her, don't tell. If anything, she will hold on just to spite you. And make sure she isn't crazy and wants to come after you. Just something to keep in mind. Don't try to figure out his lies, there are some things you will never get the answer to (even when you have been nothing but honest and genuine to a person) and there are some answers you don't want to learn -- trust me.

What do I want? I guess I want him to feel enough for me not to be able to STAND being apart from me. I guess I wish he would walk through all the crap and heck, even FIRE, just for the opportunity to make me his. I wish he would think to himself, "Damn, what a woman! What a catch! What a lucky bastard I am that she loves me." But that is a fantasy.
2 1/2 years ago, I was different; he was different. He told me right up front he was never getting a divorce; never leaving his marriage. He never lied about his feelings. He never cried about how miserable he was. He never mentioned her --period. EVER. He said his son needed him and if he left she would make sure the boy hated him and he couldn't take that. I still had my boys at home and they took up all of my time--except for the weekends they went to their Dad. I was sooo lonely when they were gone, and M's attention helped. So we went on--every other Sunday.
But now my boys are gone and I have made a life of my own. NOW I want someone to share it with. Because we work together, I see him every day; talk to him every day. He has seen me in every mood imaginable. He has done cartwheels to cheer me up when things are crappy-- and when he caught his son with pot, I tried to do the same.
I would never hurt him or his family by saying a word to his wife.
My son, who knows his son slightly at school says M's son runs with the drug crowd and is headed for trouble. Meanwhile my son makes straight A's and plays football. M's son needs a stable world and his Dad. I am not so selfish that my needs outweigh that.
I wish it was as simple as if he loved me he would walk away.
I KNOW I have to be the one to end it but I feel like he is wrapped in and around my heart like cudzu.
It is so hard not to love him.

I KNOW I have to be the one to end it but I feel like he is wrapped in and around my heart like cudzu.
"I know...but I feel..."

Yes, you know, but you aren't willing to act on what you know, therefore you suffer. Your suffering will continue until you decide to act on what you KNOW instead of what you FEEL.

We all know how hard it is to do the right thing. You will have a lot of support if you try.

Sigh... well like I said

Until something purges this thing from you: --->love<----

You will continue your situation as if nothing is wrong.

Well I have had my few shares with cheating but put yourself in his position if it was you and you knew your ex husband would turn your boys husband you what you do run away with the love of your life and not worry about your boys or would you just bear it and not see that secret lover and know your boys will always love you and be there

Alizeblu - I never implied that there were no men out there who could handle one woman! I said "many" men couldn't handle it. I also never said that there was a perfect man out there. I don't think anyone would seriously look for perfect, but to meet the criteria that they have set up for themselves.

The old married guy deal. 2 1/2 years and of course he hasn't left his wife.

Remember - he cheated on her - HE WILL CHEAT on you.

This is insanre. You're only being used by a BIG loser.

Hi, guys. Sorry I haven't been in touch. Hectic here with my class and the job and a 24 year old moving out and leaving a HUGE mess behind. I am thinking about all the responses, but right now I just don't know what to say.
I am hoping that once I get my house back in shape that I can start writing on my novel again. Then I will have the strength to end it with M and move into a whole new era in my life.
I guess I just hate that so many of the responses act like I am the victim of a con man. I am not dependent on M for anything except tenderness--which I am willing to take as a substitue for the love I truly need. He's probably as much a crutch for me as I am for him in not facing what our lives are really like.

We have been saying it is a crutch all along. The answers all pretty much said end it now. Move on. It is your decision if you want to continue to hurt yourself and hurt the married mans wife.

Joe

Crutches are not the real thing and that's what you deserve. We all do. But taking it in small steps helps, Anything you need or have questions about is only a keyboard away. We all love a good rant too. Got any??

So you like being used? Abused? Seriously - this a form of abuse.

By The Way... you've never broken up because you don't have anything to begin with. You're the mistress. He has a wife - which he will never leave.

He doesn't love you - there is no tenderness.

Let me guess - low self esteem. I advise a therpist.

This is ALL so unhealthy for you. At age 24 being used and abused by a 45 year old MARRIED man. Married. Did I say he was married??

2 1/2 yeARS AND STILL LYING TO YOU. No one stays in a marrieage if there is nothing.

He has no crutch... he has mistress who is willing to give him sex... and that's all there is. You shut the sex off and he will be gone in 2 seconds.

Of course he didn't get you anything for oyur birthday - he never will. He uses for for sex. Did I say use you for sex?

Do you get what's actually going on here??

You don't get involved with nay that you can't tell your parents, friends, HIS wife?

How do oyu think his wife feels?? Lets ask her.

No this never works.

See he cheated omn his wife... he'll cheat on you as well... especially a self centered guy.

I tget angry that woman, and ver yyoung woman at that, would WATE her life with such a complete MASSIVE LOSER!! Why?

Hi, guys. Sorry I haven't been in touch. Hectic here with my class and the job and a 24 year old moving out and leaving a HUGE mess behind. I am thinking about all the responses, but right now I just don't know what to say.
I am hoping that once I get my house back in shape that I can start writing on my novel again. Then I will have the strength to end it with M and move into a whole new era in my life.
I guess I just hate that so many of the responses act like I am the victim of a con man. I am not dependant on M for anything except tenderness--which I am willing to take as a substitue for the love I truly need. He's probably as much a crutch for me as I am for him in not facing what our lives are really like.


Oh dear... I see how you are struggling and despite 9 pages of feedback of people you still say "I am HOPING that ONCE I get my house back in shape that I CAN START writing and THEN I will have the strength to end it...."

Look, we all need crutches in our lives... however you choose to be in this relationship with a married man. You know deep down that you should stop it for your own sanity because you are obviously not happy... why postpone... it's your life, take your own life in your own hand and make your decisions now... don't postpone...

And please... never ever ever in your life settle for substitutes...
You are worth far more and it's about time you see this.

Good luck and start writing that novel, all it takes is a piece of paper and a pen. If you are really inspired you can do it at any time at any place... true inspiration does not need conditions... fear does though.

Lilliandiana, I am going to say to you what I said to my sister who was in a similar situation as yours. It took about 2 years of nagging and pleading for her to end her situation. Hopefully you will be ready to end yours soon, too.

What exactly is there to love about this man?

His character? He is a proven liar and adulterer.

His generosity? What did he get you for your birthday again? Oh yeah, nothing.

That he is a family man? He doesn't get along with his mother and prefers his son to his daughters. (That factor right there would be enough for me to walk away, single or married.)

Having grown up in one, I understand small town life. The chances of meeting a great guy are somewhere between "slim and none." However, I truly believe you are better off with no one rather than being used by this man. With the internet now there are all sorts of ways of meeting new people that aren't attached.

A previous poster was spot on. Take away the sex and see how long he hangs around. He will be gone in a flash because that is all you are to him. This situation has made you miserable and doesn't give you anything except barriers to moving forward.

Stop making excuses. Cut it off now. Give yourself 28 days of detox (no Mr. 'M') and see how much better you feel by the first week of May.

Emland, I don't understand why you disagreed with my post??

I hit the wrong button, Momincali, and can't figure out how to undo it. So sorry!

He uses her for sex. Nothing more. She can dream up what ever she wants in head. That's reality.

There is NOTHING for a women to justify sleeping gwith a married man... and that's all you do.

Go find a man you ca nbe proud of. I am sure you enjoyed oyur birthday present. What a guy!!

It makes me ill hearing these stories over and over.

There is no justification in doing this. It is SOOOOOO unhealthy for someone.

These guys quite frankly are bottom feeders - sleezes, scum, losers.

Not to mention oyu may get STDs as they probably have and will sleep with others.

+ these women can't tel there families or most otheir friends.

All these men do to these women is lie over and over - make promises they never can keep. More lies.

I've seen first hand through many women. So unhealthy.

"Jesushelper76 agrees: I wonder the same thing. They keep going back for more, then cry poor me. Waa Waa do not cry me a river anymore. Do not want to hear it."

I wish we could agree with agreements on this board. You said it, and I'll be honest this is the nice guy in me that can't come to terms with these types of women when I say this but some of the women deserve exactly what there getting. You said it, these women continue to put themselves in situations and then make excuses for it, and keep doing it for years. All the while they complain that men are pigs, dogs, users, and liars when in fact if they ever got there head out of the married guys they might realize there are real quality, loyal men who do not do cheat or even think about it. But despite the constant statements claiming that's what they want, it for some reason is never good enough for them.

I am almost afraid to point out some things--just for clarity's sake-- since I am the person who has no self-esteem or self-respect and may or may not deserve what she is getting: USED. But I am not 24 years old. My son is 24--the one who moved out earlier this week. You can do the math as to how old I am--no need to spell THAT out. Does that make me a worse person or just MORE of an idiot?
Can you really be used for sex if you like the sex? (Covers her head and runs for it). I just don't want the impression left that there is a gun to my head as far as the sex or that I am in complete starry-eyed denial about it.
But now that you mention it, if he has a working marriage, why does he need sex from both of us? And before the word "strange" appears, it's been 3 years, I should be about as boring as any wife by now. I haven't been with anyone else in 3 years--maybe I am just a weirdo who likes being with just one man?
As far as my novel--I have written 15 chapters of it. I just have to finish it. Maybe I just have a problem with all endings?

... and then 4 years later they wonder were there life is. Why they have no one.

Why hasn't he left his marriage?

"Can you really be used for sex if you like the sex?" Of course and you are! You're not in a relationship with anyone. He doesn'tr love you. He probably loves his wife.

He hasn't left his marriage because it's huge: wife and in-laws and parents and siblings and children--all of whom would be affected. He goes to the beach every year with the whole passle of them. How do you undo all those connections? It's not easy. Why do you act like it is? I was married 13 years and it wasn't easy for me. In fact, it took me nearly 3 years to ease everybody (including myself) into it. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt all those other people.

Nothing but more excuses. You do not get it, it does not seem you ever will.

I guess at this point you can only start to help yourself which you already did to a married man.

What I mean is help yourself get out of this sitaution. It is all on you and nobody else. You have had all the advice and still do not understand a single thing that was said to you.

You're a very blind women.

Can you really be used for sex if you like the sex? (Covers her head and runs for it). I just don't want the impression left that there is a gun to my head as far as the sex or that I am in complete starry-eyed denial about it.

That statement says it all. You are in denial.

Can you be used for sex if you like sex? I'm truly at a loss how to respond to that.


But now that you mention it, if he has a working marriage, why does he need sex from both of us?

He doesn't have a working marriage. He has a wife and a piece of on the side. You're the piece on the side being used for sex. But it's okay because you like sex.


And before the word "strange" appears, it's been 3 years, I should be about as boring as any wife by now.

As long as you can justify it that makes it okay.



I haven't been with anyone else in 3 years--maybe I am just a weirdo who likes being with just one man?

Yeah a lot of weirdos like being with one man they don't have to send back to there wife or other side projects.

So sorry I offended everyone. Have a nice Easter.

"lilliandiana disagrees: When did I cry about men being pigs or dogs or whatever? I don't feel that way at all. And I am not a "type" of woman. I am an individual and I don't think I deserve to be lumped in a category like a manniken."

Oh Lillian!

Your so right and I along with everybody here have been so wrong and just kidding with you this whole time. Thankfully you've seen through that and corrected the masses He's really a swell guy who loves you deeply and thinks about you constantly. He hates that he's tied to his wife and the big family. He would be such a inspirational and powerful influence on you children like he is his own. In a complex and confusing world, he really is that knight in shining armor. Someday I hope to meet him and shake his hand and say "Sir, you have been a credit to the human race, to Lillian, and to her teachings, which in turn have taught me so much about what is acceptable and what is not."

lilliandiana, You must understand that you are on a highly emotional subject where there is no wiggle room at all. Unfortunately you are one of many and I hope you can see where people come from by reading the other post on the very same subject. Just as you want understanding so do we.

Good thing I am so far away from the purity and wisdom of Canada.

I am not sure what you mean by this lillian. Your so far away from any wisdom and honestly that is why your in the mess you are in right now.

It is not about offending anybody it is about getting you the help you need , but you ask for it but then you deny everything and do not come to terms on any of your situation.

As far as Easter Goes I do hope you have a Good Easter. I hope everybody here that celebrates this season has a happy long weekend and have a Great celebration of renewal.


Joe

Lillian -

I'm not being sarcastic, truly I'm not. The only good thing about this, is that you are not alone. The below is just a small snapshot, of the girls/women that come here hour after hour, day after day, with the same story. Does this validate you being in this situation? It shouldn't. It should open your eyes, that so many others, have fallen into the same trap. Pull yourself out of this mess. Does NO ONE think of the wife. NO ONE?

Seems your sad situation is very catchy and the following probably cry their eyes out on all the holidays just like you:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/love-married-man-cant-seem-move-78537.html?highlight=married+man

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/love-married-man-69950.html?highlight=married+man

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/im-love-married-man-what-should-do-43041.html?highlight=married+man

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/love-married-man-76044.html?highlight=married+man

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/love-married-man-78184.html?highlight=married+man

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/love-married-man-41455.html?highlight=married+man

Lilliandiana, I'm sending lots of strength and energy your way. You're so in love with this person who does not deserve undying devotion! You're simply not seeing clearly at all. You're not thinking about his wife at all. It takes a heck of a lot of strength for a woman with low self-esteem and low self-confidence to cut ties to an addiction. He's your feel-good drug. He's not good for you but he gives you a temporary high. And you know this. You know what needs to be done. You're just too weak/scared to do it.. . I've mentioned earlier that I unglued myself from a similar situation and it was hard! It was so hard but I did it. I made my view clear, I changed my number, I did not waver. He checked a few times to see if that door was truly locked and, when he found it was, he vanished. That part hurt, too! True love never dies, does it? But these types of situations that are based on lies and deception are certainly not love. We want to believe it's love... it feels like love... but it is not. Not at all. To be honest, although I'm not in a physical/sexual affair anymore, I'm in the middle of an emotional/mental one. I'm finding support here in everyone's words to you and in your own struggle. I can truly relate to you.

A woman who loves and values herself and the human beings around her would never conduct herself in this fashion. Try to emulate those women. Maybe you've never been one before but so what? Start thinking and acting like a woman with loads of confidence. Don't let your entire life slip away like this. Isn't it time for a positive change?

I'm scared for you. I'm stressed out for you. But you're a grown adult and your decisions are your own to make. If you believe this guy is the best you can do and it's love, then so be it. Your perception is your reality.

You've got that secret, deep-down hope that he'll one day leave his wife for you. Even though he's said he won't (using his son as an excuse instead of the wife), you still harbor hope. Kill that hope, Lilliandiana. It will never happen. I don't gamble but if I did, I'd bet everything on it. You're being used by someone who does not love you.

I think Gem that you are reading my thoughts. Friday was a very difficult day. I ran into a friend, G, whom I dated briefly about 10 years ago who was addicted to a woman who cost him his marriage and ran him into bankruptcy, cheated on him and basically took him for everything he had before leaving him. At the time we dated, they were broken up but he was still addicted and we never had a chance. He turned into a good friend, however, and is now remarried. Friday he asked about me and M. He has always urged me to end it and on Friday he said, "would God bless you in a situation that was wrong?" That got to me. Then I get on this site where the posts Friday seem designed more to humiliate and beat me up than help me and I ended up in tears. Then M comes over for a few minutes. I ask him to help me put a bed together for a back room I am fixing up and it is so obvious that his first priority is getting home and not helping me if it takes over 2 seconds. Then he says something about "we are saving for vacation right now". WE. We-- as in the person he has no relationship with but just lives there. It was one of those glimpses of him that caused me to come here in the first place. He said he got off work early because of a migraine coming on--but I found myself wondering if that was a lie similar to the dog ate my homework--anything to get off early on a Friday night, stay a requisite 10 minutes with me and start having fun elsewhere. What kind of relationship is it when you wonder if the other person is lying about a migraine?
He is a temporary feel good drug, Gem. But long term he wears at my entire being. I feel like I am an awesome person, but no matter what I create at home or at work that makes me feel good about myself, there is always the frustration of "if I am so awesome, why doesn't he want me? Why after 3 years doesn't he want to do everything possible to be with me and keep me?" And he DOESN'T. He can take me or leave me. He can fake a migraine to avoid having to spend over 10 minutes with me if he has something else he would rather do! And looks? What type of relationship is it when even that is a source of worry? I am not 25. But any 25 year old that shows up is a threat! Why? Because there is no commitment with me he wants to protect. So I have a wife to feel jealous of whom he takes to the beach and I have any attractive woman who comes into his sight because what am I? I am Nothing. Do you know that he actually said for me not to touch him Friday night and "get him going" because "You don't want me to have to go home and........"? He didn't finish the sentence but is he actually WANTING me to picture that?? And as much as I am besotted with him, I don't want anyone so much that he has the power to make me feel like I am a nothing. If he was any kind of decent man, he would take care of my feelings because I had value to him. I don't, so I am constantly fretting about why I am not good enough, young enough, pretty enough. My friend, G, said he couldn't imagine M not loving me--that I was a sweet lady with a good heart who had a wonderful personality. So I cried again.
I deserve a man who wants me and protects me and values me and behaves like it. Instead I have a man who takes everything I have to give and tucks it into his back pocket--always there if you need it.
I don't need to be worried. I don't need to fret. I need to be wanted and loved for me. I just need a way to end it that he hasn't lived through a zillion times with me.

God lillia I know how you feel that's sounds exactly like my situation. Im 27 and he is 32, and the thing you said about the vacation that is so true, he said the same thing and I have no clue why. Why would he want to go away with her if he says that "he is not in love with her anymore" or "doesnt love her like that anymore". I just don't understand that. And what you said about feeling bad about who you are that's exactly how I feel, like I'm not good enough and I never felt like that about anybody. It's almost like a power that he has over me to make himself feel better, I am always asking myself too "what's wrong with me?" "why does she get to have him and they are not even intimate"? I don't get that, Part of me wants to stay to see what happens, that deep down there is a small hope that we will be together, but then on the other hand I think god why keep wasting time on someone who can't even buy me a birthday card. I don't know anymore I'm so down about all this I don't even have the energy to get mad anymore. What do you think?

BROOK

Brooklyn,
I don't want to go all religious on you, but I went to Mass today for the first time in a long time. I didn't want to go before because I couldn't go in the morning and keep on repeating the same bad behavior in the afternoon. I know so how you feel, and how hard you love this guy, but ask yourself how right could the relationship be if you have all these bad feelings about yourself? Relationships are about feeling your best self--not your worst. In my case, it's been over 2 years of constantly wondering. He came over last week after hiring this new employee and his upper lip smelled like smoke. Did that tell me anything? She smokes. Of course he swears it was just because she was in the room and he sat in her chair. His upper lip! And this week on the same night of the week that she works with him he was feeling too "tard" (that's hick for tired) to come over. How pathetic would it be if he were cheating on me---I don't even have the vacation at the beach to look forward to!
Everybody comes to their breaking point at different times, but I am tired and worn out from being the woman with NOTHING.
I try to be a good person and I am NOT a good person if I stay in a relationship that makes me feel bad. Also, you have been blessed with good things in your life, just as I have been and am. How grateful for our blessings are we if we throw all the good things in our lives off to the side to stay in a relationship that makes me feel not terrific but miserable??
I think we should both err on the side that says there is a good chance there is another woman who tries just as hard and loves just as much as we do and she is working hard to be with this guy. Only she doesn't know he is breaking his promise to love just her. Maybe the guys we love are telling the truth that "there is nothing there", but if there isn't why aren't we getting birthday presents?? If they are telling the truth they will "man up" and fix their lives!
I don't know about you, but I would have been thrilled with a dandelion off the side of the road if it came from him for my birthday. See how pathetic I am? And still got nothing!
Every time I feel weak I am going to remember the "you don't want me to have to go home and ........".
And I am going to focus on my blessings!
I wish you good luck and strength in whatever you decide to do.
L

Reading the above -- this forum bringing you 2 together might be the best thing that can help you both right now

Strength in # lol

This will be the last time I open this thread -- so may the deity of your choice bless /protect and lead you on the right paths. Savage

You're blinded by love; you do not see the truth. He is a liar. He lies. He lies like it's nothing. Lies flow easily from him. And he's a convincing liar, too. That's why he's been able to pull off this affair. I'm sure he could pull it off for twenty years if he wanted and you helped.

He is also selfish, manipulative, and a cheater. You do not believe it because you love him. You find it impossible that your heart would have you love someone with those traits. But you do. And he does.

He has told many lies to you. He has told many lies to his wife. It's all about him. He's a slave to falsehood. He wouldn't recognize the truth if it bit him in the patootie. It's the way the married man/single girl affair works. The married man is selfish, deceptive, arrogant, and self-righteous; the single woman is sad, lonely, fearful, and desperate. The wife is knowingly/unknowingly married to a man who acts as if he's entitled to anything he wants. Sometimes what he wants is good for his wife and kids, sometimes not. These men won't prey on women that are fulfilled, happy, and brimming with self confidence. It would be too much work to break her down. But it's easy to break down a broken woman. The work is done!

You get shaken up when something he says/does doesn't match your beliefs about him (like saying "we are saving for a vacation" or leaving your presence within minutes). You get confused and start to wonder. The rest of us, the objective observers, can see him for who he is. We are not confused. We are not wondering. We know he is a poor excuse for a man, we know he doesn't respect his wife, we know you need to end it.

You made a mistake by getting involved with this weasel. (No offense to weasels.) But it's a mistake that can be remedied. You're using him to self medicate. And you obviously have a long way to go in order to see yourself as an attractive woman. This weasel is a symptom of a large problem. When I kicked my weasel to the curb, he was soon replaced with other unhealthy addictions. The root cause needs to be identified and dealt with.

The more quick you end it, the more quick you can heal and move on. Just don't make the mistake I made and replace this weasel with another. It's easy for women like us to fall for these weasels. We have rock-bottom self-esteem. Our self-esteem is so low that our moral compass is broken. Really, if we were moral women of strong character, we'd never do this, right? We'd be honest, decent, loving, and consistent. But we're not acting that way. We're acting like homewreckers. We are homewreckers. We do not think of ourselves that way but it is the truth.

These are the three choices available to all married men who feel an attraction to another woman: (1) Honor my marriage vows, stay with my wife, and forget about the other woman or (2) Get a divorce, deal with the legalities, and build a life with the other woman or (3) As long as the other woman's willing, meet with her when possible because I deserve it..

When I kicked my weasel to the curb, he was soon replaced with other unhealthy addictions. The root cause needs to be identified and dealt with.
This a gem of true wisdom. Get to the root of it. Don't be distracted by the leafy branches and the pretty flowers.

For me, my biggest challenges will be 1) the man who pursues and then is aloof because this is when I start to wonder what I did wrong and the seed of WORKING to be liked or love is born. 2) gathering up all the negatives to form the darkest picture of the world around me and then feeling scared and lonely. I would have put missing the friendship with M as 3, but I don't think I had much of a friend in M.
I am impatient and easily overwhelmed, but I am strong and I know I can do this. I intend to keep thinking of that other woman who is working so hard and has worked for 20 years to earn his love and keep him from cheating.
I at least can walk away. I have a home and a job and family. As lonely as things sometimes get, they are still REAL.
I intend to be grateful for them and stop shunting them aside to stick my finger in the dyke of M's all-encompassing ego, pretending its love.

Gem You Said It And Honestly I Could Not Have Said It Better Myself, Everything You Wrote Down Is Exactly How He Is, That Is Scary To See How Someone Who Doesn't Even Know Him Actually Does, Yes He Is So Manipulative All The Time I Hate It. Its Almost Like He Has To Insult Me To Make Himself Feel Better. These Past Couple Of Weeks Have Been Very Hard For Me And I Think Its Because I Am Finally Seeing What I Couldn't See All Along... what Kind Of Person He Really Is. And There Is One Other Thing.. and I Must Say That I Am Proud Of Myself For This One Because It Took A lot For Me To Do This, But I Started Thinking With Me Head And Not My Heart And Ill Tell Ya What Its Amazing!! Knowledge Is Power Let Me Say It Again Knowledge Is Power! That's My New Motto And Its So Great How When I Think Smart I See More About Who He Really Is Than I Ever Thought That I Would See! Everyone On This Site Has Helped Me So Much And Will Continue To Do So, It Means The World To Me To Be Able To Vent And Write About This And Especially Read The Responses, It Might Sound Weird But It Has Gotten Me Through A lot Of Days And Nights As It Always Will. I Know Its Hard For Me But Im 3 Days Sober And I Say That Because As Someone Else Said Its Like A Feel Good Drug And You Know What? Im Going To Get Me Back And That's That!! Its So Empowering I Am So Tired And I Mean Tired Of Letting Some Liar, And Mean And Rude Person Walk All Over Me. It's Going To Stop Now I Know It's Not Going To Happen In A Day But Each Day That I Don't Call Is A Better Day, And Its Going To Start My Journey To Cleansing My Soul And My Emotions. I Do Love Him But You Know What? If He Leaves Her Then That's A Different Story, But I Just Want To Add, I Didn't Call Him For 2 Days And Of Course He Calls Me "they Always Come Back" It Was Funny Because I Wasn't All Lovey Dovey I Was Monotone The Whole Way, And Boy Did He Get Worried I Smiled The Whole Time!!

Brook

I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be ok with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?
Lilliandiana,

I am writing this as a man who has cheated on my wife, lived through reconcilliation, and basically just been in the position of the man you love.

You need to end your relationship with him. He has underlying problems in his marriage and in his own emotional condition. Even if what you hope for came to fruition, he would bring these underlying problems and issues into what you had envisioned to be the perfect love you had hoped for. That is the factual reality of the situation.

Beyond the factual reality, odds are that he either already has someone else in addition to you on the side, or he will when the opportunity presents itself. He is simply looking for sex, and is telling you what you want to hear to get it. In this case, he is simply using you as a piece of meat to satisfy his own needs.

Lastly, until you free yourself of your emotional bond with him, you will not be able to find and experience the true love you desire.

I hope this helps you in some way.