Hi, I have been chatting to an Italian guy on line who I met on a dating site, for 4 years now, who lives in the UK. We don't live very close, so have never met, his choice more than mine as he has had bad experiences with long distance relationships in the past. Over the years and chatting several times a week on line, we got to know each other very well, having a laugh and sharing similar interests etc in fact we would often talk for several hours. We have also chatted via web cam so we knew exactly what each other looked like. Sometimes the conversations would become quite flirtatious instigated by him and our sense of humor being similar meant we would bounce of each other.

Over this time I have become very attracted to him both physically and in an emotional way, he became a friend who I could talk to about anything, and he did too. From May last year until March this year he stopped going on line and then after 10 months he reappeared and started chatting again, he was messaging me first every time. After a few chats he began to get flirtatious again until one day he said he would have to stop chatting as he felt guilty due to the fact he had a girl friend, which he had told me about when we started chatting again. I asked why we couldn't continue as friends and keep things platonic but he said he gets carried away when chatting to me and imagines 'things' as he put it - meaning that he imagines we are being intimate and this makes him feel guilty. He then said that this meant that I was still attractive sexually.

My question is, if he has a girl friend and he is happy with her, then surely he could continue to talk to me as a friend and not get carried away and imagining things that we might do together in a sexual way. So is he feeling more for me than he is letting on because I am quite confused to be honest? Any opinion would be of a great help so I can get my head around this, thank you.

I don't think it's a matter of having to cut you off because he has conflicting feelings, although that could easily be part of it. I think it's a matter of concentrating all his free time on the woman he is involved with in person. I always wonder how so many people have so much free time to chat online! I'm retired and can do whatever I want all day.

He is currently unemployed although trying very hard to get a job. We only chat in the evenings as I work full time, which seemed odd as I would have thought he would have been spending his evenings with his girl friend. He says he cannot carry on talking to me because it makes him feel guilty, why would that be men and women talk to each other all the time when they are in relationships without feeling guilty, surely there has to be another reason. The only conclusion I can come up with is that he does have feelings etc and this is what is making him feel gullty.

You were an online fling, nothing serious. You two became friends, and both of you enjoyed flirting with each other.

Now he has a girlfriend, and he probably realizes that flirting with some girl online, isn't okay. You yourself stated that you two tend to flirt when "talking" to each other. He knows that's what will happen, and because he has a girlfriend that he cares about, he doesn't want to jeopardize that relationship because of some girl he met online.

Respect that, and leave him alone. This has nothing to do with how he feels about you. It has everything to do with how he feels about his girlfriend. He never wants to make her question his feeling for her, because of his flirting with you, which means nothing.

Chat's can be found. What would his girlfriend think if she saw a chat were you're flirting with each other? His guilt is over how his girlfriend would feel. Not over you. That's why he's letting you go, because you're not the one he wants to protect. He can let you go because he has no romantic feelings for you. He's respecting the girl he cares about, his girlfriend.

This is about his respecting his girl friend, not feelings toward you. Leave the guy alone. I'm sure you would not like it if you were his girl friend.
Move on, make other friends.

You can't take breakup explanations literally. Many of them are lies to lessen the pain, to be nice. PLUS he might be back if this doesn't work out. He was gone (totally, right?) for 10 months just recently! Don't you think that might have been because of a girlfriend?

You can't take breakup explanations literally. Many of them are lies to lessen the pain, to be nice. PLUS he might be back if this doesn't work out. He was gone (totally, right?) for 10 months just recently! Don't you think that might have been because of a girlfriend?

Not straight away no, because there was no mention of anyone the last time we chatted. He was gone totally for 10 months & apologised for just disappearing but did not say it was due to him having a girl friend, he told me he has only been seeing her for a few months, so I would take that as not a year. So why after all that time and him having a girl friend did he start chatting again? He told me he had deleted most of his on line contacts but not me for some reason.

I appreciate he is respecting his girl friend and not me, although I do think he is to certain extent respecting me too as he knows how much I like him, but that is not the point I'm trying to make. My point is,1) why did he come back on line after so long? 2) He was happily chatting to me as friends, nothing flirtatious to start with and after the first chat I even told him when I'd be online next and to message me then if he wanted to and he did! 3) The most confusing bit is, yes he is seeing someone which I respect but as we were very close friends I saw no reason to stop chatting but it was always him who started flirting with me & very much encouraging me to flirt back which I was reluctant to do, & he would then say I was a bit prudish! After a couple more chats he then said he will have to stop chatting as he felt guilty he said it wasn't my fault, but because he gets 'carried away' he feels like he is cheating and that was when he said, that this meant that I was still sexually attractive to him. Naturally I was flattered, but said OK well I can chat without it being flirtatious and keep it platonic, but he obviously cannot do that as he says he imagines things e.g. being intimate with me which is clearly what is making him feel guilty! My last point is and probably the most confusing is why, if he is in a relationship would he even feel the need to speak to me in an intimate way if he was being totally fulfilled by his girl friend - if it was me who had a boyfriend but still kept in touch with him, then I wouldn't even consider flirting with him as I wouldn't need to and if I did I would be asking myself, should I be with this man?

After all men and women do have friends of the opposite sex whilst in a relationship with no problem. He said he will always consider me a good friend and we helped each through some difficult times. 4 years is a long time and we used to chat more than I chatted with my own friends. And Alty I don't consider myself as just 'some girl' and neither would he. Also people do walk away from someone they have feelings for depending on circumstances, what I mean it doesn't always mean there are no feelings involved.

Gone ten whole months, and you think that because he didn't mention a girlfriend that means he didn't have one? Again, I think you look at things too literally. And concretely. He may have been pursuing a woman who didn't work out; who knows. This one is working out.
I just don't understand why anyone has to even defend pulling out of an online relationships. I think you are, in his eyes, very tantalizing eye and ear candy, sweet filler in between real life. He wants a real live woman - he said at the beginning that he didn't want a LDR. It doesn't mean that if you lived in the same place you wouldn't be the love of his life. But I don't get why you don't get his reasoning, and why you need deeper meaning.

Just before last Easter he said he was going to Italy to visit his mother, unusual because he usually went in the summer, he said he needed to get away, mainly because of his job situation, he came back we chatted no mention of anything and he would have as he had done in the past, so no reason not to. He disappeared for 10 months comes back apologises for just going with no explanation apart from the fact he said it was because I wanted a relationship which isn't strictly true as I've never met him so how would I know! Then he said he had started seeing someone which was fine with me. My point is if he was happy with his girlfriend he wouldn't feel the need to be this way with me and could therefore continue as friends. I'm not saying I would be the love of his life or he mine either until you meet you don't know. I do look at things literally, its just the way I am. I'm a naturally curious person and would like to know exactly what his thoughts were. Just because it was an on line relationship doesn't mean to say it doesn't mean anything, you can become very fond of someone by chatting to them on line and also on web cam. He has a very vivid imagination and often lives in a dream world it was always me who tried to be the realist. He gets very down about his lack of a job which he says is his main worry right now. I just wanted others opinions that's all. It was all in all a very strange situation really but he was and is a good friend and didn't want to lose that. He could delete me from his contacts but he hasn't so we will see.

Why don't you ask him? Has he broken all communication with you? Sounds to me like he is either in to this other woman or he has a new chat buddy.

Maybe he feels that talking with you now that he has a girlfriend is somehow "cheating" on her. That is not a bad thing on his part.

Why don't you ask him? Has he broken all communication with you? Sounds to me like he is either in to this other woman or he has a new chat buddy.


He has explained why he had to stop chatting to me in as much it makes him feel guilty because he has a girlfriend, which is fair enough, I understand that. But what I am intrigued to know is, is it because he carries more feelings for me than he is letting on hence the guilty feeling. If you are just friends with no feelings or attraction surely you wouldn't feel guilty, I know I wouldn't! He hasn't broken all communication as he hasn't deleted me from his contacts, he chats to me via outlook, used to be MSN before it disappeared, so if I'm on my laptop and he logs into his emails then I can see he is on line, but he's not ever on there very long now. There is no other chat buddy.

Just as a point regarding his fear of long distance relationships. The reason for this is due to when he was at uni in his 20's he had two long distance relationships, obviously not at the same time, but he fell in love with these girls, which was something he did very easily when he was younger so he told me and both ended the relationship which was very painful for him to the point he ended up dropping out of uni, which is now a big regret as he isn't able to pursue the career he would have liked. He was keen for us to meet up when we first chatted and then reflected on the past and decided not to because he said we wouldn't be able to continue if things went well, again I believe he was a little scared in case things did go well and he would rather not know, thus safe guarding his feelings, whereas I would rather know if there was the chemistry which I am so sure we have. He did admit he puts the 'barriers' up if he starts to have feelings for someone.

One other point also is that when he said he had to stop chatting to me because he gets carried away, in the next breath he was being flirtatious again so work that one out, I had to tell him not to do it!


Maybe he feels that talking with you now that he has a girlfriend is somehow "cheating" on her. That is not a bad thing on his part.

Well, yes that is exactly it but my point is, if he just saw me as a friend and nothing more then why would he feel guilty?

Because he is an all or nothing guy, who falls in love too easily and too hard, who drops out of school when relationships fail, who possibly fails because he suffocates women with attention too fast?
I'll bet dollars to donuts he'll be back (in 10 months or less).

Maybe its you getting carried away by your own curiosity and wanting to talk it out with strangers and getting our opinions. No matter our opinions his actions will always be a mystery until you can finally ask him to fill the blanks in.

Until then all our speculation will never satisfy you, so at some point you have to accept what HE has told you at face value and don't dig any deeper. Just understand as his friend that he is trying to stay within the boundaries of good behavior and has things in his life that distract him.

Maybe he is trying to just keep in touch without being inappropriate to his girlfriend, or you his friend. That sexual attraction stuff is irrelevant, or your own attempts for that personal feel good. Maybe you have no other outlet for your natural curiosity. Maybe that's the key here is you want him to feed you more about his own feelings than he has for whatever reason.

Maybe he is sexually attracted to you and therefore you are a distraction in his new relationship. He is trying to do the right thing. Let it be. At this point it does not matter what his feelings for you are.

Because he is an all or nothing guy, who falls in love too easily and too hard, who drops out of school when relationships fail, who possibly fails because he suffocates women with attention too fast?
I'll bet dollars to donuts he'll be back (in 10 months or less).

He used to fall in love far too easily he says, which might be why he has kept me at arms length so to speak. He says he has never had a lot of girlfriends in the past and has never lived with anyone even though he is 43! He seems to have had a few girl friends since he has lived in the UK the longest was 3 yrs but most of the others were not serious.

I think you might be right gut feeling tells me the same a but not putting my life on hold for him.


Maybe its you getting carried away by your own curiosity and wanting to talk it out with strangers and getting our opinions. No matter our opinions his actions will always be a mystery until you can finally ask him to fill the blanks in.

Until then all our speculation will never satisfy you, so at some point you have to accept what HE has told you at face value and don't dig any deeper. Just understand as his friend that he is trying to stay within the boundaries of good behavior and has things in his life that distract him.

Maybe he is trying to just keep in touch without being inappropriate to his gf, or you his friend. That sexual attraction stuff is irrelevant, or your own attempts for that personal feel good. Maybe you have no other outlet for your natural curiosity. Maybe that's the key here is you want him to feed you more about his own feelings than he has for whatever reason.

All I was trying to do was get opinions of complete strangers who don't know me or him. I don't think the sexual attraction is irrelevant because at least knowing I am attractive to him then I know its more than friendship, no chemistry and there can't ever have been anything more. I agree with you that he is trying to stay within the boundaries and he does find this hard to do for whatever reason. One minute he was telling me he couldn't carry on chatting because he felt guilty and he felt like he was cheating and then the next minute he was off again telling what he would like me to do to him - confusing or what - I then had to tell him to stop.


Maybe he is sexually attracted to you and therefore you are a distraction in his new relationship. He is trying to do the right thing. Let it be. At this point it does not matter what his feelings for you are.

Possibly, I am distraction to him, but he is the one who cannot seem to keep things platonic, I can and would but it was always him who would start flirting. I would just like to know what his true feeling are whether it matters or not, just curious. I know he is trying to do the right thing and I respect that, if he wants to get in touch then its up to him, he always was the one to contact me first so guessed he was OK about chatting to me. Thinking about it why start chatting to me again in the first place, he knew he would get carried away and that he had a girl friend!

Possibly, I am distraction to him, but he is the one who cannot seem to keep things platonic, I can and would but it was always him who would start flirting. I would just like to know what his true feeling are whether it matters or not, just curious. I know he is trying to do the right thing and I respect that, if he wants to get in touch then its up to him, he always was the one to contact me first so guessed he was ok about chatting to me. Thinking about it why start chatting to me again in the first place, he knew he would get carried away and that he had a girl friend!

Only he knows his true feelings, we can't tell you. We can only base our replies on what you've told us. Possibly he is attracted to you, which is worrisome to him because he has a girlfriend now. So now he's doing the right thing, and concentrating on the woman that he cares about, not a woman that's only a possibility, one that he's never even met face to face. Why jeopardize an actual relationship for the possibility of one?

You need to stop obsessing about why he decided to cut contact, and just accept that he did, and respect his right to do so.

Being sexually attracted and chemistry has nothing to do with really caring for someone. Maybe he thought he could keep chatting with you and now realizes he can't. You can be sexually attracted to someone you hardly know.

You already know he is adamant of staying out of LDR's. And why have you not shut him down instead of letting him contact you under the guise of friendship?

I suspect you would jump at the chance for romance and that's what your curiosity is based on. I also suspect if distance wasn't the issue, you wouldn't have to settle for this titillating friendship.

So just stop questioning HIS motives and actions, and question your own because from the outside looking in I think the curiosity excuse is flimsy, and you should stop the curiosity game before you start believing it yourself, if indeed you already have.

I don't think his flirting has any meaning myself, just online fun because its gone no where in 4 years, and has you too curious.

Being sexually attracted and chemistry has nothing to do with really caring for someone. Maybe he thought he could keep chatting with you and now realizes he can't. You can be sexually attracted to someone you hardly know.

I hear what you are saying, what I mean is there has to be sexual attraction for a relationship to work, if he didn't feel that then there would have been no hope whatsoever. Yes, but that is my point, why can he not chat with me, its gone full circle now! If he felt nothing for me then surely it wouldn't have been a problem and I know for a fact he has one female friend who he has been friends with for a very long, so does that mean he cannot talk to her either?

I hear what you are saying, what I mean is there has to be sexual attraction for a relationship to work, if he didn't feel that then there would have been no hope whatsoever. Yes, but that is my point, why can he not chat with me, its gone full circle now! If he felt nothing for me then surely it wouldn't have been a problem and I know for a fact he has one female friend who he has been friends with for a very long, so does that mean he cannot talk to her either?

What he chooses to do with his other friendships is no concern of yours.

You keep looking for answers we can't give you. The only thing we can tell you is what we've told you from the very start. He has a girlfriend, he's decided that his contact with you is not healthy for his new relationship, so he's decided to cut off contact with you, which is his right.

If you want to sit there and try to figure out why, feel free, but none of this questioning will give you the answer you're hoping to hear, which is that he has feelings for you. Obviously his feelings for the girlfriend outrank any feelings he has for you. Accept it and move on, that's the healthiest thing to do.

You already know he is adamant of staying out of LDR's. And why have you not shut him down instead of letting him contact you under the guise of friendship?

I suspect you would jump at the chance for romance and that's what your curiosity is based on. I also suspect if distance wasn't the issue, you wouldn't have to settle for this titillating friendship.

So just stop questioning HIS motives and actions, and question your own because from the outside looking in I think the curiosity excuse is flimsy, and you should stop the curiosity game before you start believing it yourself, if indeed you already have.

I don't think his flirting has any meaning myself, just online fun because its gone no where in 4 years, and has you too curious.

When he first told me, after a few weeks of chatting that he had changed his mind about meeting me, I was prepared to walk away and let him go, but he insisted that he wanted to carry on chatting, so I thought well OK no harm is being done so went along with it. We were both lonely people and chatting in the evenings was nice, we had a laugh, shared problems etc he became a good friend. Then I got to thinking that maybe I should stop this and told him that I did like him a lot and enjoyed our chats but I needed to move on and wouldn't be chatting anymore. He said he would miss me but understood. Then the very next time I went on line to chat to a friend of mine he messaged me straight away saying he thought I had gone! I never said I wouldn't be going on line just that I couldn't continue chatting to him!

Subject to meeting him and being sure of what I feel is true then yes, I would like the chance to date him and get to know him better.

I'm not questioning his motives or actions all I asked was why he couldn't chat to me anymore is this because he has some kind of feelings towards me which in turn make him feel guilty towards his girl friend, it a simple question really.

I have my own thoughts on this and a friend of mine agrees with me. We live 100 miles apart he has no transport and no job so wouldn't be easy to meet up unless he went on the train or I drove to him or as we had previously discussed we met half way.

So as far as you are concerned this man feels absolutely nothing for me whatsoever, which after 4 years I don't believe is true!


What he chooses to do with his other friendships is no concern of yours.

You keep looking for answers we can't give you. The only thing we can tell you is what we've told you from the very start. He has a girlfriend, he's decided that his contact with you is not healthy for his new relationship, so he's decided to cut off contact with you, which is his right.

If you want to sit there and try to figure out why, feel free, but none of this questioning will give you the answer you're hoping to hear, which is that he has feelings for you. Obviously his feelings for the girlfriend outrank any feelings he has for you. Accept it and move on, that's the healthiest thing to do.

It makes no difference whether he has feelings for me or not - he's the one who has stepped over the line not me and now has decided he has to stop. It was just a simple question which has dragged on because my point of why can he not chat to me was missed. No one has answered that question about men and women being friends without them feeling guilty.

I think if there are no feelings romatically or physically then there shouldn't be any guilt or feelings of cheating, but if there are feelings of one or the other then that would generate guilt in my opinion!

All I was looking for was a view on my previous paragraph!

He could be sexually attracted to you. 100 miles is not a great distance. In 4 years If this guy wanted to connect he would have.

Enough of this speculation, what do YOU think this is all about? That's better than guessing at what you want to hear, and given the 3 pages of opinions give us YOUR insights.

He could be sexually attracted to you. 100 miles is not a great distance. In 4 years If this guy wanted to connect he would have.

He is he told me he was and this was why he had to stop chatting to me. 100 miles is not great distance I agree, but he is out of work so has very little money, he doesn't drive so would have to travel by train which is OK but not an easy journey from where he lives. Also he suffers from IBS quite badly when I first knew him which made travelling even more difficult as he often felt unwell and was on a very restricted diet. The distance isn't too great for me as I have a car but I think with his past experiences and being badly hurt by two people has made him very wary of meeting someone who doesn't live close by.

But my question was why couldn't he chat to me now he has a girl friend if there were not any kind of feelings or thoughts, if there were no feelings he could chat with out feeling guilty surely?


Enough of this speculation, what do YOU think this is all about? That's better than guessing at what you want to hear, and given the 3 pages of opinions give us YOUR insights.

My thoughts are that if he didn't feel anything for me either in an emotional or physical way, then he wouldn't feel guilty chatting to me or feel like he was cheating on his girl friend. Its obvious to me because I would probably feel the same, if I was seeing someone and had feelings for him then it would feel wrong of me to chat and flirt with him, which of course it would be. But if I did, then I would be questioning myself as to whether I should be with this person in the first place.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with. Its an old song from back in the day.

But never assume that your thinking or feeling are what another thinks or feels. The issue is no longer about your curiosity, but what YOU do going forward. What is that?

How old are you? Maybe he is addicted to erotic chat and he likes it with you and that is why he feels guilty. Maybe he wants to have a normal relationship with this woman now.
I don't understand why you are so hung up on this. He gave you a reason, accept it.
Or maybe he has been lying to you all this time and wants to end it.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with. Its an old song from back in the day.

But never assume that your thinking or feeling are what another thinks or feels. The issue is no longer about your curiosity, but what YOU do going forward. What is that?

I don't but everyone has their own idea's as to why someone has done what they have done its human nature. All I was saying was, because he says he finds me sexually attractive and imagines things then this is why he had to stop chatting to me, so I must be in his head at times and this makes him feel guilty & therefore he feels like he is cheating, so I am assuming that this is the reason.


How old are you? Maybe he is addicted to erotic chat and he likes it with you and that is why he feels guilty. Maybe he wants to have a normal relationship with this woman now.
I don't understand why you are so hung up on this. He gave you a reason, accept it.
Or maybe he has been lying to you all this time and wants to end it.

Our friendship is not based on erotic chat. Sometime sex doesn't even get mentioned we talk about all sorts from football to politics, to films to what we believe in as far as religion is concerned. We discussed his job situation just things like you would if you were meeting a friend for a coffee its just that we are behind a computer screen or on webcam. He doesn't lie I just firmly believe that he is attracted to me as he said he was but is unable to take things any further due to the distance, so he has met someone else and is now unable to chat to me because of the thoughts which go through his head when he does, and therefore this makes him feel guilty and feels like he is cheating. I fully understand that and told him so. I do really like this guy I have been single for a very long time and sadly I am very fussy when it comes to men, I found someone who I am very attracted to emotionally and physically, but my frustration is not ever having met him to see if what I feel is true to life. I have emailed him so that he knows how I feel but also said that I also need to move on and wished him all the luck in the world. We had very strong friendship and he said he will always consider me a good friend a I do him.

You sound like a reasonable and intelligent woman, yet you are so hung up on your original question (why he can't continue chatting just because he has a girlfriend). No matter what we suggest might be a reason, you persist. I'm just not getting it. Surely you understand that we don't know his mind any more than you do, and that you know him better than we do.

Each time you respond, you let out little tidbits about him. No job, no money, no car, and a medical problem that limits getting around... the perfect conditions for online relationships. I still think that he will be back. When he does, offer to go the 100 miles to see him!

You sound like a reasonable and intelligent woman, yet you are so hung up on your original question (why he can't continue chatting just because he has a girlfriend). No matter what we suggest might be a reason, you persist. I'm just not getting it. Surely you understand that we don't know his mind any more than you do, and that you know him better than we do.

Each time you respond, you let out little tidbits about him. No job, no money, no car, and a medical problem that limits getting around ... the perfect conditions for online relationships. I still think that he will be back. When he does, offer to go the 100 miles to see him!

I don't expect any of you to know the answer I just asked for an opinion that's all. I know I keep adding things but after 4 years there has been quite lot to remember and add them as I think of them, I'm just to trying to give you a better picture of the situation.

You say you think he will be back, what makes you think that? Possibly, if things don't work out with his girlfriend maybe? I will take your advice and suggest that I will come and visit for him for day though.

I think he will be back because:
1. He left once before.
2. He has a history of falling in love too fast, too much, and I suspect he drives women away.
3. He has no money for dates, gifts, maybe even paying his own way.
4. He can't go out for very long with IBS.
5. I hesitate to say this, but he clearly also likes you.

I wouldn't offer to go see him unless this girlfriend doesn't work out. He's already made it clear that he wants to spend all his time on her.

I think he will be back because:
1. He left once before.
2. He has a history of falling in love too fast, too much, and I suspect he drives women away.
3. He has no money for dates, gifts, maybe even paying his own way.
4. He can't go out for very long with IBS.
5. I hesitate to say this, but he clearly also likes you.

I wouldn't offer to go see him unless this girlfriend doesn't work out. He's already made it clear that he wants to spend .

Ok, well he did fall in love too fast but not anymore in fact he seems quite the opposite now and is scared to show his feelings. True he doesn't have much money, he has done a couple of temp job recently but that ended just after we started chatting again. His IBS seems more under control these days but not really talked about it recently. What makes you think he likes me?

I wouldn't, of course offer to go and see him whilst he was with his girl friend, but a funny thing is in the evenings when I am on my laptop he often logs into his account as a notification shows on my screen. This is very often a Friday, Saturday and Sunday night when most people would be seeing their girlfriends, so wonder when he see's her as its often during the week too, unless of course he only see's her in the daytime.

'What makes you think he likes me?'
That was why I was so hesitant to even mention it as speculation. I refuse to keep this going, because it seems to be what you want so desperately to hear. You are going to have to find out the real truth to all these questions from HIM.

Possibly, if things don't work out with his girlfriend maybe?

What you call curiosity, I call wishful thinking and false hope. Neither should keep you from a real life with real people as I think its not productive to waste time on a guy who, who under guise of friendship, you want more with but can't have. Its unhealthy to even speculate the mind motives of others with so few facts as humans are seldom so logical.

For sure you know his priorities don't match yours and for sure while confounding to you, his words and actions do match and have for 4 years.


I found someone who I am very attracted to emotionally and physically, but my frustration is not ever having met him to see if what I feel is true to life. I have emailed him so that he knows how I feel but also said that I also need to move on and wished him all the luck in the world. We had very strong friendship and he said he will always consider me a good friend a I do him.

When you ignore facts for a single minded idea, then its no longer curiosity, its obsession. It doesn't take much to cross a line.

I really do hope you get a chance to explore and experiment with love and romance in person, but logically, its not going to happen soon, so be realistic and explore your other options and opportunities you may be missing with this obsession.

I think this whole relationship is unhealthy. He is either lying you or he is being honest but after 4 years this has gotten nowhere and probably will go nowhere. Maybe he knows this too and he meets someone and disappears then comes back to you if it doesn't work. You say you have met someone you can have a real relationship with but you are hung up on this online one. That is unhealthy. Think about it!

'What makes you think he likes me?'
That was why I was so hesitant to even mention it as speculation. I refuse to keep this going, because it seems to be what you want so desperately to hear. You are going to have to find out the real truth to all these questions from HIM.

Ok fair enough, thank you for comments. Like I said it was only an opinion I was after and the reason behind it, I think its run its course now.


I think this whole relationship is unhealthy. He is either lying you or he is being honest but after 4 years this has gotten nowhere and probably will go nowhere. Maybe he knows this too and he meets someone and disappears then comes back to you if it doesn't work. You say you have met someone you can have a real relationship with but you are hung up on this online one. That is unhealthy. Think about it!

I was only asking for an opinion as to why he cannot chat to me, nothing more. I haven't met met anyone, not sure where that came from. If I had then I guess I wouldn't be questioning his motives. All I was saying was, I believe he cannot chat to me as a friend because he has thoughts about me instead of his girl friend which makes him feel guilty. I think that's the bottom line and going to leave it at that.


What you call curiosity, I call wishful thinking and false hope. Neither should keep you from a real life with real people as I think its not productive to waste time on a guy who, who under guise of friendship, you want more with but can't have. Its unhealthy to even speculate the mind motives of others with so few facts as humans are seldom so logical.

For sure you know his priorities don't match yours and for sure while confounding to you, his words and actions do match and have for 4 years.


When you ignore facts for a single minded idea, then its no longer curiosity, its obsession. It doesn't take much to cross a line.

I really do hope you get a chance to explore and experiment with love and romance in person, but logically, its not going to happen soon, so be realistic and explore your other options and opportunities you may be missing with this obsession.

I knew 4 years ago it wasn't going anywhere - that wasn't my question, which was why can't he chat to me now he has a girlfriend! I believe its because of the thoughts that he has of me to own admission, that make him feel guilty. I'm going to leave it there now, I think, thank you for your input

Maybe he feels there is no point to continuing this relationship that will go nowhere, that he needs to concentrate on the present. I still think all of this questioning of his motives and his coming and going show how dysfunctional this is. Maybe it is easier for both of you.
You both need some one you can actually see and interact with.

This whole online thing is a tease and poor substitute for reality for you both. Sorry to be blunt but reality trumps wants, and curiosity, and while he has a girlfriend, maybe a jealous snoopy one, the situation is what it is. And you can't change it, only he can.

He probably only wants to chat when his relationship is rocky or after conflicts with her, which happens and that's just my guess but this isn't even a good friendship as long as you hold hope for more. That never works out well.

Good luck.

Maybe he feels there is no point to continuing this relationship that will go nowhere, that he needs to concentrate on the present. I still think all of this questioning of his motives and his coming and going show how dysfunctional this is. Maybe it is easier for both of you.
You both need some one you can actually see and interact with.

Like I Said I only wanted an opinion as to why he can't talk to me anymore or the reasons behind it & everyone seems to think I'm asking why we are not in a relationship. I know what I think I just wondered what others thought & it's gone into a very long discussion when a simple answer would have done. As a relationship it is dysfunctional but as friends chatting on line it's not, we used to have a great time talking for hours sometimes & I miss that. He can't keep it platonic but I can, knowing he has a girl friend now I wouldn't dream of saying anything sexual to him but it seems when he chats to me he cannot do the same.

Would you let your boyfriend chat with a female that is sexually attracted to him? Of course not, and his girlfriend probably doesn't want him chatting with you. Can he tell you that? Hell NO!

You seem to be stuck on one aspect of this and ignore the obvious since his girlfriend would kick his butt for chatting with a female on line, and you have swallowed his excuse for 4 years. Don't believe me? Read some of the similar posts here about the social network and its affects on real relationships.

Would you let your bf chat with a female that is sexually attracted to him? Of course not, and his gf probably doesn't want him chatting with you. Can he tell you that? Hell NO!

You seem to be stuck on one aspect of this and ignore the obvious since his gf would kick his butt for chatting with a female on line, and you have swallowed his excuse for 4 years. Don't believe me? Read some of the similar posts here about the social network and its affects on real relationships.

I wouldn't think for a minute she knows I exist let alone know her boyfriend is sexually attracted to me ! Again the point is being missed! I accepted a long time ago that we would only be friends unless he changed his mind about meeting me. We are good friends & I didn't want to lose that because he has a girlfriend but it seems that he cannot keep out friendship platonic so he had to stop! It's just a shame we have to lose our friendship because he has a girlfriend that's all I'm saying!

A shame for sure, but happens often. Reality gets in the way of friends and lovers alike.

A shame for sure, but happens often. Reality gets in the way of friends and lovers alike.

He has contacted me again last Sunday and was happy to chat with no apparent guilt. There definitely seems to be something which keeps him coming back.

As long as you let him he will.

Do I get an award? I have developed a sudden fondness for Haagen Dazs Cappuccinno Gelato.

I want to add a clunker to the Five Reasons I Thought He'd be Back, since you seemed most interested in why he likes you. I am sure you are likable. But you are also a cheap date. Whether that is way secondary to liking you because you are likable or whether it's competing with the main reason, only he knows.

He has contacted me again last Sunday and was happy to chat with no apparent guilt. There definitely seems to be something which keeps him coming back.

That's doesn't make allowing it the right thing to do, given its behind his girlfriends back, just friends, or NOT!!

This guy has got a life now and trying to politely tell you to move on.
It doesn't mean he won't have fond memories of you. His life is full now and its not right to expect him to spend time he should/could be spending with his girlfriend. For him to keep contacting you, he is sending mixed signals and only trying to cushion the hurt of missing you. You are only going to get hurt in the end when he is finally weaned off you. I suspect he is only contacting you when she is not around and he hasn't told her much if anything about you. He is not thinking of your hurt contacting you, he is merely trying to wean his hurt.

As long as you let him he will.

If I'm on line on Skype and he contacts me, then what do I do ignor him?


That's doesn't make allowing it the right thing to do, given its behind his girlfriends back, just friends, or NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

Surely its down to him, if he feels he wants to talk to me then I don't feel I'm doing anything wrong by talking to him?


This guy has got a life now and trying to politely tell you to move on.
It doesn't mean he won't have fond memories of you. His life is full now and its not right to expect him to spend time he should/could be spending with his girlfriend. For him to keep contacting you, he is sending mixed signals and only trying to cushion the hurt of missing you. You are only going to get hurt in the end when he is finally weaned off you. I suspect he is only contacting you when she is not around and he hasn't told her much if anything about you. He is not thinking of your hurt contacting you, he is merely trying to wean his hurt.

I'm not sure his life is full, I believe and have said this to him, if he was feeling fulfilled with his relationship, then he would talk to me as a friend and not as a lover in my opinion as if it was me that's what I would do. I sent him an email before this last conversation to say how I felt etc and that I need to move on and wished him luck. I thought that was the end of it, and was very surprised when he contacted me again. I log into skype to talk to a friend of mine and he logged on and messaged me, I certainly would NEVER of contacted him!


Do I get an award? I have developed a sudden fondness for Haagen Dazs Cappuccinno Gelato.

I want to add a clunker to the Five Reasons Why I Thought He'd be Back, since you seemed most interested in why he likes you. I am sure you are likable. But you are also a cheap date. Whether that is way secondary to liking you because you are likable or whether it's competing with the main reason, only he knows.he

We have been friends for a long time, maybe he cannot let go?

Yes, if this was a real life boyfriend of yours, and he had a girl, who things he is sexually attracted to her, and she has an attraction to him, would you want him on the internet skye with her. ** of course not, is she going to be sitting next to him, while you chat, Is the chat all PG so she can read it all.

But it is obvious that there is more desire, than being discussed, and I can see it getting in the way.

But yes, the date is over with him, time to break it off, so he can move on with his life

yes, if this was a real life boyfriend of yours, and he had a girl, who things he is sexually attracted to her, and she has an attraction to him, would you want him on the internet skye with her. ** of course not, is she going to be sitting next to him, while you chat, Is the chat all PG so she can read it all.

But it is obvious that there is more desire, than being discussed, and I can see it getting in the way.

but yes, the date is over with him, time to break it off, so he can move on with his life

I hear what you are saying, but I don't believe I am doing anything wrong. I have known him for 4 years and have often chatted on line for all this time. He says he feels guilty when he talks to me in a sexual way & tells me he will have to stop chatting to me, so surely its down to him not too? I don't encourage him. I emailed him to say I need to move on, etc so what happens, the very next time he see's me on line he messages me and carries on talking in this way and no mention of him feeling guilty this time or saying he will have to stop, but did say maybe he should leave me alone so I can move on! I wouldn't message him now because of all he has said, so why doesn't he stick to what he says! This actually happened once before, not long after we first started chatting , when he told me he didn't want a long distance relationship I was prepared to leave it at that, he didn't want to, so carried on a bit longer, till I said I would have to stop as I was starting to have strong feelings for him. He said he understood & that he would miss me. The very next time I went on line to chat to a friend of mine, he's messaging me again saying he thought I had gone! I am trying to move on but he won't let me!

You won't let each other go. Yes, he's the instigator, and you are the instigatee.
SIGH
Might as well keep going as long as neither of you has any illusions.
It's all pretty much an illusion anyway. Maybe it's what you both want.

I hear what you are saying, but I don't believe I am doing anything wrong. I have known him for 4 years and have often chatted on line for all this time. He says he feels guilty when he talks to me in a sexual way & tells me he will have to stop chatting to me, so surely its down to him not too? I don't encourage him. I emailed him to say I need to move on, etc so what happens, the very next time he see's me on line he messages me and carries on talking in this way and no mention of him feeling guilty this time or saying he will have to stop, but did say maybe he should leave me alone so I can move on! I wouldn't message him now because of all he has said, so why doesn't he stick to what he says! This actually happened once before, not long after we first started chatting , when he told me he didn't want a long distance relationship I was prepared to leave it at that, he didn't want to, so carried on a bit longer, till I said I would have to stop as I was starting to have strong feelings for him. He said he understood & that he would miss me. The very next time I went on line to chat to a friend of mine, he's messaging me again saying he thought I had gone! I am trying to move on but he wont let me!
He won't let you? You don't want too. You will ignore him until he gets the message if you really want to let go. He keeps coming back because he knows you will be there and he will work his way back in, even if he is cheating on someone. He is not being fair to either of you. Stop responding to him.

This is a lot of drama for an on line never met relationship.

He won't let you? You don't want too. You will ignore him until he gets the message if you really want to let go. He keeps coming back because he knows you will be there and he will work his way back in, even if he is cheating on someone. He is not being fair to either of you. Stop responding to him.

That' a hard thing to do when you have been friends for such a long time, I miss him and would be easier for me if he just stopped contacting me!


This is a lot of drama for an on line never met relationship.

It is but I guessed we just clicked from the start and maybe its hard for both of us to let go :-(

I am trying to move on but he won't let me!

You really have to stop kidding yourself. You have to stop making it sound like it's all him, that you have no culpability.

If you were really ready to move on you would have deleted him from skype, or blocked him. You would have deleted any way for him to contact you. You didn't. Not only did you not delete or block him, you responded when he messaged you.

I'm not saying that he's not a jerk for continuing to message you when you've told him that you started having feelings for him, and wanted to move on now that he has a girlfriend. But, you had the power to stop the contact, and you didn't.

You really have to stop kidding yourself. You have to stop making it sound like it's all him, that you have no culpability.

If you were really ready to move on you would have deleted him from skype, or blocked him. You would have deleted any way for him to contact you. You didn't. Not only did you not delete or block him, you responded when he messaged you.

I'm not saying that he's not a jerk for continuing to message you when you've told him that you started having feelings for him, and wanted to move on now that he has a girlfriend. But, you had the power to stop the contact, and you didn't.

The reason I didn't delete or block him was because, I was happy to stay friends, and keep it as friends with no sex talk etc, but he doesn't seem to be able to do that. I value him as friend and can confide in him about anything, that is hard to give up. He never deleted me either even though he told me he had deleted most of his other contacts. Deep down we care about each other and I guess neither of us wants to lose contact completely.

You really need to let this go. You are driving yourself crazy. There are millions of people in the world you can make friends with. This guy has a moral attitude that will not allow him to comfortably be friends now that he has a girlfriend. Accept that.

And you really see this as a healthy thing to spend your time with? Unbelievable.

You won't let each other go. Yes, he's the instigator, and you are the instigatee.
SIGH
Might as well keep going as long as neither of you has any illusions.
It's all pretty much an illusion anyway. Maybe it's what you both want.

No, it not what I want and it never has been. He can be quite confusing sometimes, even a little contradictory, saying one thing and then something else another time. Trying to get straight answers from him is difficult - on reflection of our last conversation he has answered a few of those without having to ask, so I think I now know what it's all been about.

You really need to let this go. You are driving yourself crazy. There are millions of people in the world you can make friends with. This guy has a moral attitude that will not allow him to comfortably be friends now that he has a girlfriend. Accept that.

I do and I am on reflection of our last conversation. I used to drive myself crazy but over the last couple of years I've not let it bother me. All I was trying to do was to understand why he was being like this, and then goes back on everything he said - confusing or what! Does he has a moral attitude though, I don't think he does otherwise he wouldn't have contacted me last Sunday talking like nothing had changed, bad habit he called it! He is a weak man and cannot stick by anything he says!

And you really see this as a healthy thing to spend your time with? Unbelievable.

I don't see this as a healthy way to spend my time. I'm single live on my own, don't go out very much so chatting on line is a way to spend lonely evenings. I've reflected on our last conversation and finally he has said how he see's me - still confusing - one minute he says he wants to have a family (I already have a grown up family) so wants someone to have that with. But he's not working and lives in a room in rented house, so how he thinks he's going to achieve that I've no idea. I'm older than him and now believe I was just a fantasy of his and a friendship of sorts built up over the years. He is a weak man and I am just a bad habit which he has trouble letting go of, but I now see that I meant nothing and next time there is contact I will be telling him, although he didn't pay much attention to the email I sent him saying I needed to move on, so going to need to be tough. He has hurt my feelings and he needs to know this, it may hurt and upset him but I'm going to tell him all the same.