I have a 20 yr old daughter she is on her 2nd academic probation in 2 yrs. She is not making school a priority. I have not set a curfew with her yet she and has always been good at telling me what she is doing. She does go out on the weekends and going downtown and coming home at all hrs of the early mornings. During the week she is out till about 11-1 depending on what it going on.

Do you think it is OK to set a curfew of 11 on school nights and she can stay out to what she wants on the weekends or is that to lenient as well.

She is legally an adult, of course, but you can make rules. How do you intend to enforce the rules - or isn't that the question?

I think she's old enough to decide when to come home. If she "flunks out," so be it. She's 20. You can't hold her hand for years and years. At some point she needs to take responsibility for her life.

Who is paying for her college?

My late husband paid for his daughter's college, nursing school, law school - as long as they maintained good grades and, of course, weren't on some type of school probation. One of them slipped up one semester and was pretty startled to find out she would be paying for the next semester. She got back on track and the original arrangement went back into effect. It only took once!

If your daughter isn't able to follow the rules, and that includes keeping her grades up and showing up for school, she has to learn at some point that that is her responsibility, not yours.

I'd talk to her about reasonable hours and when you expect her home, but I'd leave it up to her to decide how/what/where she wants.

Hear hear, JudyKayTee (can't leave a greenie, as usual).

Hear hear, JudyKayTee (can't leave a greenie, as usual).

Ditto.

When I was 18, fresh out of high school, my parents paid for me to go to college. I wasn't ready, didn't really like the courses I was taking. I ended up quitting.

It wasn't until I was a few years older that I decided to go back to school. My parents helped me pay for it, but the majority of the cost was on me. Having to shell out thousands of dollars, money I'd worked very hard to earn, was a wake up call. I took my education very seriously then, because I would be out the money if I failed.

It's like any child. If you buy them a toy they don't usually take care of it as well as they do when they have to save up to buy it on their own.

I know that doesn't answer your question about a curfew. Frankly, she's 20, not a child. A curfew for an adult sounds a bit silly to me. But, if she's living under your roof, and you're paying all the bills, you should be allowed to set certain rules. Frankly, I'd give up on the curfew and teach her responsibility by making her pay for the things she wants to do. School being one of them.

Curfew for a 20 year old sounds way out of line but I like the suggestion of others of making her grades a part of financial help you give her.

Your daughter is 20 years old. You cannot actually tell her what to do, you need to discuss with her the importance of her education rather than restricting her which may just cause problems. How would you even enforce a curfew on an adult? She is 2 years too old for a curfew, also 11 -1, is not too bad, even if she goes to sleep at 12 and wakes up at 8 she has had the best amount of sleep. You cannot tell her what to do at this point, you can merely advise. If you try to tell her what to do it will likely just cause problems. Tell her if she isn't willing to make a considerate effort with her future you are not willing to make a considerate effort with helping her financially as you technically don't have to help her financially and you are doing it as a good, helpful parent. But do not give her rules like that for the love of god. I am 17 and my mother doesn't even really give me a curfew. I am just aware I need to make the most of my education, your daughter needs to be made aware of that.

Your daughter is 20 years old. You cannot actually tell her what to do

I disagree. If the 20 year old lives under the parents' roof, the 20 year old lives by the parents' rules.

I have a 21 year old at home. We expect, (while he is interviewing for graduate schools), that he keep reasonable hours. What is reasonable? No later than 11 on weeknights, and 1 on the weekends. It also means doing household chores and errands. If his grades slip, it's his problem. We provide everything he needs, but he does have to work until grad school begins.

"You cannot actually tell her what to do, you need to discuss with her the importance of her education rather than restricting her which may just cause problems. How would you even enforce a curfew on an adult? She is 2 years too old for a curfew, also 11 -1, is not too bad, even if she goes to sleep at 12 and wakes up at 8 she has had the best amount of sleep. You cannot tell her what to do at this point, you can merely advise. If you try to tell her what to do it will likely just cause problems."


Sometimes in order to parent a person has to cause problems by telling the child what to do.


The mother pays the bills. The mother makes the rules.

And, yes, the parent can tell the child what to do. The child, on the other hand, is an adult, capable of making her own way in life.

I realize you are 17 so you are speaking from the perspective of the child and don't want parents to "cause problems" for children. The parents here really don't think that's the top consideration.

Part of being the parent is making the rules - my husand and I have a policy. Do not visit with the current "significant other" and share a bed in our house. We have grandchildren who sometimes stay over, and they don't need to see a different "aunt" or "uncle" at the breakfast table every few days.