I met this girl recently and have been dating for about two months. We recently went away to the beach for a weekend. This week she told me she and her ex husband had had a three way. For the record I did not ask about it. She volunteered it. I was somewhat jokingly hinting at one and she said she had already done that and was not doing it again. I was crushed because I respected her and felt insecure because I have never had one, and by the sound of things I never will. Even if a threeway was a bad experience then at least I would know. I really respected this girl and have been a gentleman ever since I met her. Now its just not the same. I do think your past matters and is not irrelevant. For example, if I said I had robbed a bank before but that it was years ago and I did not plan on doing that again I think most people we at least think about that before getting involved. Does anyone have any advice other than blowing me up which will not help. Thanks

She is being clear, she did not like it, ( most wife's do not like it) most likely she did it for last husband, and it may be part of reason for divorce.

So why do you even want to consider this. If you want to marry her, why is she not enough

That was in her past. Before you. Has nothing to do with you. Give it a break already. At least you know that she is upfront with you and honest. She could have lied to your face and you could have found out some other way. Then you wouldn't trust her?

Sounds like a broken relationship that is not fixable. Time to move on since you don't seem to be mature enough to handle what happened before you stays before you.

Did you advertise somewhere that you were interested in meeting someone for a threesome partner before you met? Did you talk about it within the first few dates? If not, it's your fault for not making it clear from the beginning. Things that are deal breakers should be mentioned right away so neither of you waste your time.

Did you read your post? You are holding her to a high standard, even though you want to have a threesome and you want to include her in it. That doesn't make sense.

And what she has done in the past is her past. Are you going to ruin the relationship over it?

In the future know when you ask a question you need to be prepared for whatever the answer is. Even the answers that you don't like.

Did you read your post? You are holding her to a high standard, even though you want to have a threesome and you want to include her in it. That doesn't make sense.

And what she has done in the past is her past. Are you going to ruin the relationship over it?

In the future know when you ask a question you need to be prepared for whatever the answer is. Even the answers that you don't like. Did you read my post? She volunteered that! If your past does not matter would you date someone that had molested a child? If we use your logic that would be in the past and not matter right?

Did you read my post? She volunteered that! If your past does not matter would you date someone that had molested a child? If we use your logic that would be in the past and not matter right?

That doesn't make sense and it also doesn't fit into what you described. Here is what you described and I will use your bank robber example.

You are judging her for robbing a bank in her past even though you want to rob a bank soon and you want her to even participate in the bank robbery.

Her reaction to your reaction is probably going to be: "I am never volunteering any information again because he can't handle it and I will be judged". And honestly you have been dating her 2 months. There is probably a lot more you don't know about her.

Instead of judging, why don't you appreciate that she was open and honest about it.

If your past does not matter would you date someone that had molested a child?

Oh, come on now. You are being overly dramatic. You are not talking about someone who molested a child, you are in a relationship with someone who had a threesome, while married, before you were in the picture.

Of course the past matters when there is criminal activity, but I don't see an inkling of criminal behavior here. This was between 3 consenting adults. Time to grow a pair and realize that this happened when she was MARRIED and before she was involved with you.

What I see here is someone who has very low self esteem and cannot grasp the fact that things that happen in past relationships have nothing to do with current relationships.

You need to consider yourself lucky that she felt comfortable enough with you to confide in you.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Oliver2011 again.

Perfectly said.

What I see here is someone who has very low self esteem --said the one to the other...

Yes, you do have low self esteem if you can't handle her past. What happens in the past stays in the past.

BTW, I've been in a happy healthy marriage for 20 years now. What he did with his ex wife is none of my business.

You are just hurt you will never have a threesome with this girl, but you will get over it eventually, and more than likely, you may not marry, so there may yet be a 3-some in your future.

Then you may get hurt yet again if she enjoys it too much and dumps you for the 3rd wheel. Even worse the third wheel is a guy who likes you more than your female.

The point is enjoy what you have it may not last forever, and be careful what you wish for.

Did you advertise somewhere that you were interested in meeting someone for a threesome partner before you met? Did you talk about it within the first few dates? If not, it's your fault for not making it clear from the beginning. Things that are deal breakers should be mentioned right away so neither of you waste your time.

Teacherjenn4 you can't ask those questions appropriately in a life time let alone a first few dates. Imagine a question like, "Have you ever had sex for money?" How would that be received? Very badly.

You know dude we get use to people coming for suggestions and insights and then not liking them but it is an insecure person who gets told by his partner that they had a 3-some and didn't like it, and you not chime in your disappointment and disclose that's your life dream.

Okay, I give you the benefit of a doubt that you may have been caught off guard, but I think after two months she was telling you about herself and what she wouldn't do. Deal with it, or get another date.

I mean if you have the balls and keyboard courage to disparage others here, you should have the balls to deal with the female you are dating without whining to strangers online about it. Whining is okay, but disrespect is NOT.

This is classic. She had a threesome, so now you don't respect her anymore, but only because she won't have another threesome with you so you can experience one too.

Oliver said it best, according to your scenario you're mad because she "robbed a bank", and won't do it again, even though you want her to "rob a bank" with you.

She's not the one with the problem, you are. I think it's actually great that you're having this reaction. Get all upset, go sit on your high horse, dump her. She deserves better.

Teacherjenn4 you can't ask those questions appropriately in a life time let alone a first few dates. Imagine a question like, "Have you ever had sex for money?" How would that be received? Very badly.
Oh, yes you can. There's no reason why you can't ask questions that are important to you. The question would be something about an interest in a threesome, not if she had ever had one.

What I see here is someone who has very low self esteem --said the one to the other....

What I see here is someone judging someone for something that they also wanted to do... as you had "jokingly" suggested it to her, I assume that deep down, you wanted such a thing as well. Deny it if you must but I won't believe it. You don't "jokingly" suggest it unless it is actually on your mind.

So you are judging her for something she did as an adult before you ever came along... Dump her and let her find someone that won't be so judgmental about her past.

Did you read my post? She volunteered that! If your past does not matter would you date someone that had molested a child? If we use your logic that would be in the past and not matter right?

One's past matters ONLY as far as it indicates possible future behavior. And no she didn't completely volunteer the info. You said you brought it up jokingly. She wanted to make it clear to you it wasn't happening and why. That she did it with an ex husband shows that she loved her husband at the time and wasq willing to try something to please him. But having done it, I can see her deciding she is unlikely to love someone so much as to do it again.

You, on the other hand, sound like a selfish and shallow person more concerned with your wants and desires than hers. If it bothers you that she won't do it, then end the relationship and move on.

The three way was her idea not his. Stick to computers.

What's more important to you? A relationship with just her, or a threesome?

The three way was her idea not his. Stick to computers.

No where did you indicate that. And the implication of her not liking was such that it wasn't her idea.

As for my sticking to computers, I stand by my response. Even if was her idea, it doesn't affect your reaction to it. In fact, that comment just reinforces what I said.

Does anyone know of a legitimate erotic (straight) but educational source for videos? I purchased one and it turned out to be a hour long product pitch. Thanks.

I am dating a girl that is not using birth control and the condom is really taking a lot away from my experience. She is not crazy about the pill as she is 45, has slightly high blood pressure, and smokes. I think that puts you at some risk for some type of medical problem. Can anyone suggest an alternative? Thanks

An alternative to what birth control, or medical problems? Yes your threads have been merged because background and pertinent information is important.

As to educational adult sex videos, that's porn, and comes in gay, straight, bi, or any other tastes you can think of. You both should browse and pick one.

Did you read my post? She volunteered that! If your past does not matter would you date someone that had molested a child? If we use your logic that would be in the past and not matter right?

You are contradicting yourself. In your post you said you jokingly hinted to it, so obviously you had mentioned it to her. I bet her volunteering is to let you know she's not interested in doing it. I think she was making sure you "never jokingly" hint to it again by explaining she did it with her ex husband and is not interested in doing it again. Now you are pist off so much so you are starting to judge her based on her past, come on grow up. Had she said yes mr perfect I will have a 3 way with you, you would have been in heaven, then your issue or question would be. How do I regain respect for my girlfriend, her and I had a 3 way and now I can't respect her? She should dump you and find better.

It's called snipping - for either party.

And, yes, videos come in every possible combination, so to speak.

It's called snipping - for either party.

And, yes, videos come in every possible combination, so to speak. What's snipping?

Give the guy a break. He has expressed his disappointment and is getting over it to the point of still being there. But I have to point out that focusing on educating a 40 year old, experienced female about sex, may not be the way to build a solid relationship. You give the impression that your sexual needs are your priority in which she has to concede to them.

I think you do much better listening to her priorities, and then she may listen to yours. Find ways to express yourself that she can understand, and NOT force her to see your side. It's a balance that builds in establishing communications in an honest way which is crucial to resolutions.

Thank you for your very constructive advice

The pill and other forms of birth control have side effects and many people rely on condoms, And yes some men find they lesson the pleasure, but honestly, not that much, and better than no pleasure.

My concern would be the 3 to 18 percent failure rate ofr condoms, The planned parenthood web site has tons of great information on birth control, and different methods,

Give the guy a break. He has expressed his disappointment and is getting over it to the point of still being there. But I have to point out that focusing on educating a 40 year old, experienced female about sex, may not be the way to build a solid relationship. You give the impression that your sexual needs are your priority in which she has to concede to them.

I think you do much better listening to her priorities, and then she may listen to yours. Find ways to express yourself that she can understand, and NOT force her to see your side. Its a balance that builds in establishing communications in an honest way which is crucial to resolutions.

The education part would have been for both of us. In particular making sure I was doing my part. I never said I planned on teaching her anything. I would have liked to help her get more comfortable with herself. However, that's all irelevant now. I am still looking for som e educational resoyrces.

The education part would have been for both of us. In particular making sure I was doing my part. I never said I planned on teaching her anything. I would have liked to help her get more comfortable with herself. However, that's all irelevant now. I am still looking for som e educational resoyrces.

To know if you are doing 'your part', communicate with your partner. There is not a video or book out there that can instruct you on how to have great sex with your partner because we (male and female) are all individuals and what one likes another may not.

Sex is not about doing this or that. There is no set of instructions to follow. It is about exploring each others minds and bodies. It is about a journey of discovery and having fun.

There is one main thing you can do. Remember that for females arousal begins long before we get close to actually having sex. Romantic gestures such as looks, caresses, teasing kisses, etc. are ways of getting our minds focused on pleasure. Generally, when the mind is aroused, the body follows.

Dude don't educate her to be comfortable with herself, relate to her through communications and interactions to be comfortable with YOU. Pay attention and be a good listeners will make her thoughts, needs, and wants clear to you a lot faster, and if browsing for adult instructional sex videos or material is part of that, then go for it together but most adults would resent, or reject any such education as being presumptive that's what she needs.

Better you find out what she wants before you spoil the fun of exploring and experimenting of what should be a great time between you before you take such a clinical approach to educate her, or you.

You cannot treat a 40 year old experienced divorced female like a 20 year old virgin, that you have to teach. At least ask her to watch "sex" videos with you.

You need to deal with the birth control issue as well and probably first. What indication do you have that she is uncomfortable about sex or herself? Maybe it was the fit you had about the threesome. Do you want her to be comfortable or do you want her to eventually want to do what you want?
You need to talk about what you both desire before you start watching films or asking her to watch them.

I think anyone who has threesomes has the ability to cheat.. I would leave it alone.. if you are hurt now.. imagine what else could happen. Find someone that will be happy with you and only you.

Me thinks the boat was missed on that one.

Me thinks the boat was missed on that one.

No doubt about it.

The right one always comes around when you least suspect it to happen..
What normally happens, you'll be in a happy relationship and before you
Know it.. here comes someone else and then someone else.. why does it happen like this.. like where were these people when you were single..
It's because when your happy and content, you give off good vibes and it
Attracts the opposite sex.. really it does, so when it happens, you'll think back to this message.. Life is short, enjoy yourself, find a hobby, find a job that can pay the bills, but something you enjoy doing.. get together with good friends, when
You get busy the right one will be standing across from you :)
I have learned not to waste my time on people that are not about me.. don't stay in a bad or troubled relationship, it's just a waste and each bad relationship, changes you, and most times, not in a good way.. been there done that...

Yes, you do have low self esteem if you can't handle her past. What happens in the past stays in the past.

BTW, I've been in a happy healthy marriage for 20 years now. What he did with his ex wife is none of my business.

So I asked her is your number over or under 25? As I had gotten the impression she had been around. She gave me some type of answer that was not yes or not no. Then I said well okay is your number over or under 100? She didn't answer that either. That's a lot of dudes. Internet dating is just awful.

Her "number" is none of your business.

Unless you give and evaluate surveys for a living I'm not understanding the question.

Good luck if you're looking for a virgin. I think I saw one... once.

And your number?

Her "number" is none of your business.

Bitter that I am enforcing socio-cultural expectations?

Unless you give and evaluate surveys for a living I'm not understanding the question.

Good luck if you're looking for a virgin. I think I saw one ... once.

And your number?

Not looking for a virgin.

My number? I am smart enough to side step a land mine like that.

So I asked her is your number over or under 25? As I had gotten the impression she had been around. She gave me some type of answer that was not yes or not no. Then I said well okay is your number over or under 100? She didn't answer that either. That's alot of dudes. Internet dating is just awful.

You have got to be kidding. Why does it even matter?

My number? I am smart enough to side step a land mine like that.

Yet it's okay for you to ask this girl what her "number" is?

Past performance is the best indicator of future performance. Have you ever been asked in an interview, "Tell me about a time when you..."

I think you should know about the person that you get involved with. I think that's why so many women wake up one day and find out their spouse has some secret life they did not know about. They looked the other way when there were clues, they rationalized it away.

So her number matters but yours doesn't? How does that work?

Not looking for a virgin.

My number? I am smart enough to side step a land mine like that.

So was she.

"Past performance is the best indicator of future performance. Have you ever been asked in an interview, "Tell me about a time when you... "


For starters you are watching too much
TV if you are quoting Dr Phil.

I hire for my company. I've been hired. No one has ever asked me "about the time" I did anything. Seriously.

And you are 100% right. This woman is not worthy of you. Beside that, many men don't like an experienced woman because she will notice his shortcomings. I think that's you.

You have admitted that you "... would not live in another man's shadows." That says it all.


Move on. She's not worthy. A virgin, totally inexperienced, is the woman for you!

You had the nerve to ask her for a number of the men she has been with and you are the one pissed because she does not want a threesome? What a hypocrite. Leave the woman alone.

At this point I'd like to ask the OP what he does when he's not trolling sites. This whole thread is a joke. It's meant to get everyone ticked off, so that the OP can attempt to appear smart, and like a jerk. He's failing miserably in the smart department, but more than succeeding at the jerk part.

Don't waste your time on this guy, he probably doesn't even have a girlfriend, and he's probably still a virgin, with nothing better to do but sit on his computer and try to rile up people online.

Thread closed