Hello. I am new to this and am hoping someone can help me PLEASE!

I have 5 grown up girls, sadly due to a very bad marriage which gave me mental health issues they didn't have a very happy childhood all the time. I divorced 28 years ago and the relationship with my girls was great. 11 years ago they all decided that I had been a bad mother and now have nothing to do with me at all. One daughter kept in touch but has now decided that she doesn't want anything to do with me either.

Over the years I have done everything in my power to make up for their poor childhood and always been there for them in every way. I have tried to contact them but they only get in touch when they need me, I don't hear from them on my birthday, Xmas or more hurtfully, Mothers Day.

It is hurting me so much that I can't think of anything else. I would be very grateful if you could help me.

You can not "make up" for bad choices years ago. You can move on and try to be a better person. Without knowing what you did as a mother, but to be honest, if all 5 want nothing to do with you, there had to be a real issue in your life at that time.

You need perhaps counseling, since there is nothing you can do, NOW, that willl make them want a rlationship, they may or may not latter, but that is up to them, you have no control

We have no clue what THEY are feeling and thinking, and what their reasons are for no contact with you, so we can't really give much advice past what Fr Chuck said.

I have to agree that if all 5 won't talk with you, something must be very wrong. Maybe you can have some insight talking about it here? It might be something as simple as complaining too much when they did communicate? After all, they were happy with you when at home when younger.

I was never a bad person! I feel offended that you think so. I said I was very ill with depression and anxiety due to a husband who both physically and mentally abused me throughout my marriage. I am 67 now and in those days women got no help what so ever so I had to stick it out until my girls grew up. He did say if I divorced him he would take my girls off me one by one! My daughters have nothing to do with their father either. My 3 grown up grandsons visit and say they just can’t understand their mother’s treatment of me.

I strongly suggest you find a good counselor to talk through this with. The counselor will very probably want to call/meet (somehow communicate) with one or more of your daughters to get their side of things, and then will do whatever possible to heal the wounds and the rift that has developed. You will learn new ideas on how to possibly cross that bridge back into their lives.

Who said you were a bad person?
You came here asking for help, but have provided not one clue about WHY all this happened. Now you are all upset over our remarks (or just mine, or just Fr Chuck's, not clear).
I'm going to be blunt: Based on your response, I am seeing a reason for all 5 daughters bowing out. You fly off the handle easily.

I was in an abusive marriage and lost custody of my children due to it. They were adopted and later on contacted me. Out of 4 children I have one that somewhat keeps in contact with me. The others want nothing to do with me.
What I know about my situation and I can say I think I see similarities in our situations:
1. I have been diagnosed with numerous mental health conditions
2. My kids were hurt emotionally and mentally by seeing and hearing the abuse. By the way if you think they never knew you are sadly wrong.
3. I was supposed to protect them and give them a loving home. It was my responsibility for staying, and not getting out no matter what society said
4. I am hurt and feel immense guilt but feel it is deserved as I failed my children. I can not give them back a good childhood as I should have. All I can do now is try to be a good person and hope they come around to give me a chance. It is their choice though I can not make them.

I agree counseling is in order but you must realize how your children are feeling. Their childhood was impacted by living in an abusive home. I am not saying they were abused but they witnessed it and felt the fear, anxiety etc. Look at how they are feeling.

Excellent, heartfelt response, mogrann.
I am too negatively wrapped up in this to comment further.

I am glad you don't want reply any more,you have totally missunderstood me( JOYPULV.)

Let's talk about what you can do about this.

I am glad you dont want reply any more,you have totally missunderstood me( JOYPULV.)
So actually know nothing about you probably why we 'totally misunderstand you'.

I read your post when it first came on but was reluctant to answer as I thought there was more to your story then you posted. Joy was quite brave to offer her comments which you immediately resented. I would think you owe her an apology. We are all volunteers here.

My two cents, if you want help, tell us the whole story, not just your illness, but if all your daughters feel the same way towards you then there has to be a monumentous reason why.

So pick up your socks and let it all out.

I find it hard to write everything down,wasn't my first post clear? Perhaps you could help me with that please?. sorry joy

Hi Kath, just think you have more to say about this terrible predicament and more information would give you better input, if not, well you will probably hear from more members.

I really don't know what has gone wrong,if they think nothing of me why do they come to me when they need help?
One daughter came to stay with me for a few weeks when she got divorced and was suffering very badly with anxiety... she told me how much she loved me.we got on really well and with a lot of love and hugs she got better and went home,bit by bit she stopped coming to see me.now she won't even answer my text messages to her.
One daughter did say all she can remember was that I was ill all the time!

Be grateful you have your grand children in your life and build happiness from there as it seems as you have and are suffering, so are your daughters.

They have watched you suffer for years, and seen you not get the proper help, and are emulating you in the same way. You couldn't get help back then, do so now, so maybe you can help them better, as you help yourself. At the least you may better understand what's going on NOW with you, and your daughters, because help is out there.

At this time I wouldn't push THEM for more time, nor involve your grand kids in adult affairs. But it is time I feel to push yourself for your own healing and coping.

I realize you didn't like "Joy's" response - and you probably aren't going to like mine. I had a very unsettled (for lack of a better word) childhood. I have made my decisions and pathway in life based a lot on my childhood.

Specifically concerning this - "My 3 grown up grandsons visit and say they just can’t understand their mother’s treatment of me" - were I your child I would be furious that you discussed me with my children. These children were not there when your children were children (obviously) and your recall of family history may not be correct and may also not be their recollection of history.

I think you are shooting yourself in the foot trying to prove you are right rather than trying to solve the problem, find a solution, start at a neutral place.

What do you expect your Grandsons to say? "Yes, my Mom doesn't speak to you and you deserve it?" I'd be grateful that the Grandchldren are in touch - apparently they haven't been "poisoned" by your children.

your recall of family history may not be correct and may also not be their recollection of history.
Excellent point, Judy! Memory is a dicey thing. My two sons and I often remember the same situation or event with three entirely different recalls and conclusions. It's like watching a rear-ender at a four-way stop. You see it differently if you are the pedestrian on a corner or if you are the one being rear-ended or if you are the person doing the rear-ending. Or it's like doing marital or family therapy, my supervisor once told me: You hear all sides of the story and then try to find some truth in all of it.

Ten out of Ten - yes, it's like watching a rear ender...

The thing that bothers me here is that after you divorced you had a "great" relationship with your daughters, then all of a sudden, 11 years ago, they stopped talking to you.

So I would go back to then and look for a clue. People don't suddenly change like that and having all your daughters decide to ignore you is unusual.

This is why the others think there is more to this story, then you either remember, or want to tell us. And, if there is, then you need to talk to a counselor who you can tell the whole story to.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is very difficult to live with - both for you and for your caretaker. How active were you in your children's lives before the divorce? And after?

Does your family understand this is now considered to be a "real" physical problem, sometimes also emotional, and not a side issue caused by depression?

You probably won't like this and I may be way off base but it needs to be said...

You say you were in an abusive relationship... perhaps they blame you for keeping them in that situation and not doing anything about it. Sure, they were OK for a while once you did the divorce but maybe as time went on, they started to resent you for having them live through this... and for accepting it yourself.

Just something to think about.

I have never discussed the problems I have with my daughters with my grandchildren,as you rightly say ,that would be totally wrong and unfair to them.It seems my daughters have discussed it with them which is a real shame.the grandsons who visit me are 22,27,and 28 and have mentioned the situation to me. My grandaughter used to stay with me a lot when she was younger,and asked if she could come to live with me,
I was very active in my children's lives during my marriage,and after,they were adults then,we used to go away together on holidays,shopping all the things mothers and daughters do together.I was at the birth of 3 of my grandchildren too.
I asked one daughter if they would all come and discuss the problem with me,but they wouldn't.
Family and friends cannot understand as they say I was a brilliant mum.

Their father did threaten that if I left him,he would take them from me... he his a nasty man
So I don't know if he has anything to do with all this?

You say you have never discussed your relationship with your children with your grandchildren. When your grandchildren start the conversation, do you stop it, contribute, do nothing?

I have a very disfunctional family, and this struck me - "family and friends cannot understand as they say I was a brilliant mum." Why are you discussing your relationship with your daughters with "family and friends." For starters, what are they going to say? "You did a lousy job." Stop discussing your children with other people - it gets back to the children... and it hurts.

"their father did threaten that if I left him,he would take them from me....he his a nasty man
so I dont know if he has anything to do with all this?" After all these years? I doubt it. Either they are all dolts or something else has happened.

You have not answered how CFS affects your life and your emotions.

If I had a nickel for every time one of my step-grandchildren wanted to move in with me I'd have a whole lot of nickels. It's called, "My parents don't understand me but you do." Trust me, after the honeymoon stage and upon realizing I also have rules, they'd be right back "home."

I realize you are hurting and don't understand what has happened to your relationships - but something has. I've seen bitterness and parental interference following a divorce... but I've never seen it take years and years to manifest itself and never have I seen all of the children take the same stand.

Were boyfriends (of yours) involved? Something had to go wrong somewhere. The question is - what?

even Now after all these years,and my x husband being remarried,he is very bitter that I left him,a couple of years ago when I nursed my 40yr old daughter and had her stopping with me,she said " if my father knew I was her he would go balistic" I didn't comment as I don't say anything about their father at all.
a couple of years after my divorce I met someone and my girls were delighted.We were together 8yrs,all my daughters visited me then.
I found out that my partner was having an affair with our mutual friend,I left him and went to stay with one of my girls.I became very ill with depression and anxiety and ended up in hospital for 2 months.
after that the problems started,one by one they stopped coming to see me and then just didn't even contact me. I know I was ill a lot with the same problem when they were growing up,whether they had just had enough of my illness,I don't know.
my ME?CFS doesn't affect my moods It just makes me feel very poorly and fatigued most days,saying that I don't let it alter my personality at all.
there is nothing I would like more than to talk through this with my girls,I suggested this when my gaughter stayed with me 3yrs ago,she said they just didn't want to know... I am at a loss... I have helped them all out in one way or another since they left home and always been there for them.

I wonder why "they just don't want to know." They are too busy with their own lives and don't want to have to stretch themselves? I'd love to get all of you women in one room and listen to each person's view of this. I'm wondering how much influence your ex has over his daughters.

And I have to say, I'm your age and I applaud you for sticking to this thread and being as introspective as you are. I'm so impressed that you didn't cut and run, but want to work on this and improve your life.

And I will agree with WG - you certainly are willing and able to explain the situation as you see it clearly and rationally. Goodness knows that doesn't happen often!

Yes, everyone should be herded into one room and then the door locked behind you.

Is there any one daughter you are closer to, more able to talk to, than the others?

There is one daughter who gets in touch now and again,"when she needs me" she suffers with panic attacks so I talk to her to help her feel better,she does not want to talk about it at all,, I have casually tried to bring up the subject, but she doesn't want to know... tha problem with my girl is that as they are very close to each other,if one has a grievance they all join in with it!. I don't think I can do anymore,and it has gone on for so long,but I will always be there for them... thank you both for replying.x

I know how that goes - my family burned me out years ago. I guess the best you can do is be there and support your daughter(s) and sort of shield yourself from hurt the best that you can.

Do you have other things and people in your life to keep you busy? That's the best shield for 40 year old kids that just ain't around for whatever reason. My own are getting there and we see and hear from them less, and less.

Thank you both for you help and advice... I have ME/CFS so I can't get out and about to fill my time.. I rely on TV and music to take my mind of things as much as possible.when I started with my condition I soon found out who my real friends were,they too one by one diapeared! I have one loyal friend she is only42,sadly she has cancer,she is in remition at the moment,she rings me and tells me she is there for me anytime which is lovely.

I'm not so sure, with all the animosity between you and your children, that having you all together in one room, would be helpful at this time, considering your own problems, and the fact that there is a long, unsaid history with little clarity, between you, and your children.

That you are 'allowed' to have visits with your grown grandchildren, seems a benefit to both sides so to speak. Is it possible that you could contact each of your children directly, and ask them if they could come together, and just talk, at your home.

I don't know that if time and age hasn't softened your children, but maybe they just haven't figured out a way to make amends, and put the past in the past? Instead of just living with what you think might be going on, to actually understanding what has gone on, and why, you could be putting yourself through unnecessary stress.

Where they may have had strong opinions, and accusatory opinions, that has somehow underlined all that has transpired for the last 11 years. There has been no resolve, or understanding, or forgiveness, toward both sides.

Try not to let this fester any longer, especially as you don't seem to know or realize a 'cause' or any particular event that has them treating you this way. If you don't know what is wrong and why, how can anything be mended.

It would be a shame to see this situation go on, for another decade, when with a little effort on both sides, might just mend some fences.

thank you both for you help and advice....I have ME/CFS so I can't get out and and about to fill my time..I rely on TV and music to take my mind of things as much as possible.when I started with my condition i soon found out who my real friends were,they too one by one diapeared! I have one loyal friend she is only42,sadly she has cancer,she is in remition at the moment,she rings me and tells me she is there for me anytime which is lovely.

Its in your best interest to find activities you look forward to that include interacting with others. You are an excellent writer, and very articulate, and it's a shame you continue to use past problems to stand in the way of present and future happiness. Sure there are obstacles but its so unfair to expect your kids to solve those for you.

I think networking with those who share your affliction would be a great learning experience as to how they cope and sharing would certainly lead you to many ideas to adapt.

Its been my experience that reaching out to those like you relieves the feeling of being alone with your problems, and brings understanding and empowerment to your own life. That's what I feel you need at this time, some love and support, rather than a distraction like TV, or music.

I think you need to take that step.

CFS Knowledge Center - Support Groups (http://www.cfsknowledgecenter.com/support-groups.php)

Not a replacement for the family attention you want, but an attitude change you need to be proactive on your own behalf.

Thank you so much for your advice.I do belong to the site Action For ME where small discusions take place,but I understand what you are saying.I wish I could find something more testing to do on site.I told my story regarding my illness on the site,which is a charity site,they have chosen it to represent their new charity pack,I am really pleased about that.

Thanks Jake too... I have tried what you have suggested but they just don't want to know.I don't feel there is anything I have to forgive my daughters for.some of them have done unfair things to me,financially,but I have put that away and forgiven.that I guess could be one of the reasons they won't face me.

If a women is being abused her children are being abused as well if not physically then emotionally by the environment that they are in.

thanks Jake too...I have tried what you have suggested but they just dont want to know.I dont feel there is anything I have to forgive my daughters for.some of them have done unfair things to me,financially,but I have put that away and forgiven.that i guess could be one of the reasons they wont face me.
You may have hit on something here, that they are ashamed for the way they have treated you despite all your generosity to them, and cannot face you.

Its so sad.. they should know that I would forgive them anything!



I agree that the children are also abused.. I asked their father when they were small if the rows could stop,and he could do his own thing,. we would bring them up and give them a happy home until they left home.. then we could part... his answer was NO!!

"I agree that the children are also abused..I asked their father when they were small if the rows could stop,and he could do his own thing,..we would bring them up and give them a happy home untill they left home..then we could part...his answer was NO!!!!"


I'm not trying to beat you up. I'm really not. You had a duty to protect your children. You acknowledge that they were in a bad place - you were powerless to do anything?

I left a relationship because my "partner" threatened my dog! Do not put my children in danger, mentally, physically, something else.

I see this as an excuse - you wanted to change things, he wouldn't, you were helpless and powerless?

Sorry - don't mean to beat you up... but really? Your children didn't come first?

Maybe that's the problem.

I am 68 now... In those days women did not get any help,I had no family to help me either.I understand where you are coming from I really do,With 5 young children you can't just walk out,I asked him to leave many times but he wouldn't... I sat in a church once,just praying for God to help me.

I know that things were very different.

You express yourself very well.

Have you ever explained where you were, how it was, to your daughter - one or all of them?

I had a conversation with a stepdaughter (I have 5 stepchildren) a couple of nights ago for no particular reason concerning abortion. She simply couldn't believe that in the '60's it was difficult to get "the pill" and abortions were illegal.

She was surprised.

I am 68 now....In those days women did not get any help,I had no family to help me either.I understand where you are coming from I really do,With 5 young children you can't just walk out,I asked him to leave many times but he wouldn't........I sat in a church once,just praying for God to help me.
I was living back then too and agree, women didn't have choices like they do now and there was little or no help for families in trouble. Women were supposed to bite the bullet and carry on.

And had you somehow been able to leave, you would have been living in poverty and helplessness with five small children who, as adults, would forever resent you for not keeping the family together and making the best of things just so they would have food and clothes and not be the objects of pity.

In other words, you wouldn't have "won" no matter which way this worked out.

I couldn't have won either way you are right... I am going to try and put it all behind me,that is all I can do.

I don't bring the subject of the past up anymore,the girls just want to forget it all and get on with their lives.thinking about it I don't blame them.
Earlier today the one daughter Suzanne who does ring now and again rang for a short chat,it was great,she says she will ring me in the week,so fingers crossed ay!