>Threads merged to keep all information on this subject and advice given in one place.<

Hi. My boyfriend who I have been with for 4 years. Who I am engaged has a son. We have had ups and downs and in the beginning the son was part of our life. We live far away from each other, but have managed kind of good thanks to skype and many visits. I lived with him for 1 year, and he came here for half a year, then I was there again for 3 months. He has not seen his son for 2 years. I know he has missed him a lot, but since the mom kept him to herself despite all his intents of getting to see him he simply tried moving on. He has promissed me to move to my country since the opportunities are many, and the economy is good. I have given much to this relationship, helped him, paid tickets etc. He has always been open to be moving here. Now I am 29 and I want a family. The problem is that he suddenly started the process to see his son, from one day to another. And it can take up to one more year. He can't even leave the country because he has spent all his money now. I have given so much, and he was not very nice with me in the beginning when he saw he son, so I don't think I want to pay for him to come on a short visit in between all the trials, nor do I think it is fair that I once again pay and go back. I have been there 8 times to visit him. He has been here 2. We had fight today because he put the wrong address on the file so his ex did not get notified and did not show up for the trial and we have been waiting for this appointment for 2 months already. Now it will take 3 new months, and it hasn't even started. I got so disappointed. And I really think he is confused, not about me. But I don't think he is rational. It will take time, and when he sis his son will he still want to fulfill the promisses? I have supported him and said his son and him are welcome in my life. He is the one pushing for a family with me and he has said he doesn't care where he lives as long as he is with me. He has said he wants to have a relation with his son, but live with me and the son can come and have his room and opportunities here. How could he suddenly start the process behind my back having me waiting here? What is he thinking he wants? Should I stay here and wait? Do I have a reason to be upset? I do feel fooled because I have been faithful and supportive for many years. Helped him getting a job. And now he puts me in a situation where I feel very on the edge of getting ditches tomorrow. I got upset and he said " oh, poor you, you dont know how it feels like not to have seen your son in 2 years" and I exploted back and asked " but why did you not care one year ago when you wanted to move in here with me". He said **** you. And we haven't talked. You can say " you should have known better, because you know he has a son" and yes! I knew. I just forgot since he said he wanted to move on with me. Now it seems like I have to move, and I will not. He simply hasn't deserved me because of other things I haven't written in the mail. I feel a bit fooled. How long should I wait? Why did he start this process in his country when he knows it can take a year? What is he planning to do with his son when I am here and he is there? Why did he propose to me 1 month ago? Why did he say he wants to get me pregnant? He is scared of losing me I guess, but he cannot even meet me because he has spent all his money. And he is stuck with the case of the son

After many years in a relationship with a man I really love I decided to leave him, and it feels right and good, but at the same time very bad because I suffer from guilt. He is sad and calls me every day to get me back, but I finally made up my mind and won't go back never.

My ex hadn't seen his son for a long time because of the bitterness and manipulations of the ex. He started a process against her to see the child. We were doing fine until the day the son got back into his life. I was used to the relationship being him and me. I was used to struggle and help him, and to fight the challenged together. We were very close emotionally and truelly best friends as well as lovers. We had certain other problems too in the relationship that had been a challenge, but when his son got back things fell apart. I could call him but he would not pick up the phone for as much as 9 hours in a row. I became the 2. Priority again, and less than that. After being busy playing with the child he had to catch up on work and other things, so I was no longer the important thing in his life. Everything was the son, the son and the son. He said he could not wait to see me pregnant and have kids with me, but just the thought of it turned me off. I felt recent and started to get annoyed only looking at parents playing with their children in a park. I still have problems watching how guys tattoo the names of their children on their arms and put pictures of their kids on Facebook. It is like they have become somebody else. Why can't they have a relaxed and normal relationship with their kids. I was so angry with him all the time, but had to hide it. He changed all his plans he had with me, and expected me to just stick around. I had always kept my word, but he failed on me slowly because the son needed him to do things in a different order than before. I dumped him after years. We were engaged and our family knew each other. We were serious and nobody knows me better than him, but I can not handle this role of being a second priority. I am always a bit sad, and can't live like that. I feel like a in many ways now. I should never have gotten into it, then I would have saved him a big heartache and me too. I had to leave as well before the kid got used to me. I am dating a new guy already since the clock is ticking. I love the fact that he is flexible with no children. I get all the attention so far but I just hope I can fall in love and love him the way I loved my ex. I hope my ex finds somebody too. I also hope I never have to be a single mom, and if I do I have learned that you have to build something strong with your couple and let him be the head of the family together with you. If the kids are dominating everything you can't expect any relationship to last. Nobody wants to be neglected. It seems like an imposible task to have a normal, passionate relationship with a single dad where you actually feel loved.

I feel like a terrible person. I dumped my boyfriend who I was engaged with because I could not deal with being a 2. Priority in his life. He is heart broken and calls every day and wants be back, but I can't. I don't want to.

I want a family, but not with him. I have been so confused and sad and hurt many times. I could not live with the doubts any longer and decided it is better to do it now than later. The ex had kept his son away from him for some years because of bitterness and jealousy and he just got to see him after a struggle and process in the court house. As soon as he was back in his life there was no longer him and me, but only him and the son. He changed so much, and the relationship too. From feeling loved and important I felt like a nobody in his life.

I left him and started dating another guy I always liked. I feel bad about having hurt him, but my clock is ticking and to marry him would have felt wrong, I am afraid. At least at this moment. I could not sit around and wait for things to improve neither, even though he said it was only for a while things would be different because he needed to put full attention to the son for some months. I could not even get in touch with him for complete days when they were together. I felt like a dog always waiting for the owner, chasing. I am happy about my new date, I just don't love him yet. I loved my ex so much and hope I can love somebody the same. I also hope he finds somebody. I was too resentful and jealous. I was angry because he got the ex pregnant by not using protection. I hated the idea, and I hated that I did things correct, like taking pills, checking myself, being faithful and wanting education and job before children, and always felt like the loser and not apprectiated. I don't understand how some people can live a happy life being a step mom and calling the children a bonus. I really admire the ones who can! Those men really don't know how lucky they are.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my partner didn't understand the importance of being a fantastic parent.

I don't get why you feel so bad. This was your choice and the path you chose. He's not going to stop being a father so don't expect him to ditch his son for you. It is somewhat sad that you can't share this person, but again it is your choice.

I can't tell what you are asking us. Should you feel guilty? No.
End of story.
You did what you felt was best for you. He is doing the same. If he can't see that you are don't want a man with a child, then why are you picking up the phone? Say it's over, for his own good, and don't talk to him.

You sound extremely needy. You shouldn't feel guilty about breaking up, but you need counseling before you have another serious relationship. No man can fill all your free time or meet all your needs, and every man will also love and have commitments to people other than you... friends, parents, chikdren, siblings.

Just to let you know I was totally OK with him spending time with friends and family. I even suggested to go to his granmother's place to visit and I loved spending time with him and his dad. I also went out with friends or stayed at home when he went out with family or friends. It is not that. I might be more needy, but so was he. We were together a lot and very involved in each other. I would even call and have good and long conversations while waiting in traffic, so did he. We would be in the bathroom together talking if one showered and he could come and have dinner at my university and I would come with him to work some times. We cleaned the house together and walked the dog. We were very united, or needy or whatever to call it. With the son I got freezed out and I could not see a happy marriage waiting for us since everything got so changed. He thought a marriage could make things better, but I did not. I could not handle that position.

Just to let you know I was totally OK with him spending time with friends and family. I even suggested to go to his granmother's place to visit and I loved spending time with him and his dad. I also went out with friends or stayed at home when he went out with family or friends. It is not that. I might be more needy, but so was he. We were together a lot and very involved in each other. I would even call and have good and long conversations while waiting in traffic, so did he. We would be in the bathroom together talking if one showered and he could come and have dinner at my university and I would come with him to work some times. We cleaned the house together and walked the dog. We were very united, or needy or whatever to call it. With the son I got freezed out and I could not see a happy marriage waiting for us since everything got so changed. He thought a marriage could make things better, but I did not. I could not handle that position.

Then don't and move on.

It is sad to think that you are giving up all that you had because you can't share and you are selfish. You have prejudged what and how your relationship will change because of marriage and the son. If you approach everything that way, you will be a lonely and bitter person. There are other options but you refuse to look at them. Sad really, but only sad for you.

He obviously has a greater responsibility to his child, and was trying to bond and bridge the gap given the lost time between them. Children grow up fast and we don't get a second chance to raise them. If you had children with him, you'd both have to make room for the other parent's relationship with the child as well as your own, and you would have less time to focus exclusively on each other. Don't think it will be different when you have a child. You will have a lot less time for yourself and your adult relationships. But it's a phase of life. My son is nearly 19 and just left for college. I miss the time with him now.

You ARE pretty needy and self absorbed. Sounds like you need that constant presence and connection and reassurance from a man that he is there. News flash... nobody can maintain that long term. It's exhausting once the initial excitement fades to normal. You will need to develop more mature expectations, but sounds like you are young. Take some time.

"I finally made up my mind and won't go back never." - FINE
"It seems like an imposible task to have a normal, passionate relationship with a single dad where you actually feel loved." - For you. Speak for yourself only.
"I don't understand how some people can live a happy life being a step mom and calling the children a bonus. I really admire the ones who can!" - No you don't admire them. You are the person who doesn't want to be a step mom.

You are running in little circles. You made a decision based on your priorities in life. STOP going back and pretending to wish you could be the kind of person you aren't.

(I don't agree with all the others who said you are selfish and needy based on not wanting to be a stepmom. You might be for other reasons, but not this.)