I have been with my boyfriend for almost 9 years and about 2 years ago he told me a (girl) friend of his had sent him photos and he claimed he hadn't seen the photos, and when I went to look she had sent nude photos of herself to him. Now I questioned him asking him why would she send him something like that if he didn't lead her on or something and he claimed he didn't know. I figured I'd forgive him since he claimed he didn't know.

A few months later, I had this strange feeling to look through his phone (I know that this is wrong and an invasion of privacy, but I had to know) when I looked through his messages, he had been sexting with the same girl who had sent him the photos, so I confronted him yet again and told him why the hell would you text her like that and he claimed it to just be "joking" around texts, I asked him if he had sexted any other girls and he had confessed to sexting 2 other girls. Now after he had told me that I threw him out of my house but had went back with him a week later as he told me that he would not do it again and that he loves me. So I gave him another chance.

A few months fly by and everything seems to go back to normal, but then I get that feeling again to check his phone, so I do and I find that he had been sexting with his co-worker and they had spoken about many inappropriate things. Now I was seriously hurt as I knew who this woman was and she always acted like my friend. I confronted him again and told him, what else is there? He confessed that one night one of the girls he hangs out with kissed him, and he claimed that he told her to back off, and she had threatened him that if he told me what had happened that night, that she would go to me and tell me that they had sex for she claimed that I would believe her because of his history in our relationship.

I was so hurt and confused to what to do, I was ready to leave him and I wasn't going to turn back, and I was done with all the BS. But at the same time he is my first love and I love him deeply. I forgave him yet again and I told him not to text any woman again. He promised, now it has been a few months, and we are drama free, and he had proposed to me, and although I had said yes, I still question if he will do anything like that again, or if I can trust him again?

Which makes me wonder if I could even think of marrying someone who I can't completely trust? What's a girl to do? Should I forgive and forget? Or do I need to have a talk with him and call off the engagement?

Only you know what you should do. You both are struggling with boundaries. Your boundary struggles are with his privacy. His boundary struggles are with other women. I am not sure I would be making a commitment that should be till death do us part with these issues still unresolved.

His coworker makes a great point. Would you believe that he had sex with someone else? I would. Because, based on your description of his behavior, I definitely don't think that boundary exists for him.

To me, what you are describing is cheating and it sounds like he has been doing it with many people for a good portion of your relationship. If I were you, I would call off the engagement and find someone else. He doesn't seem like he'll quit and if you can't tolerate infidelity now, do you think you'll tolerate it better when your married and your commitment is supposed to be stronger? I doubt it. Leave.

After 9 years, and 2 of this crappy behavior, can't you see he isn't ready for a mature committed relationship? Neither are you since you have to catch him being a dufus, and never get to the heart of the matter.

He lies, and you believe him, he does it again. You take him back. This looks like the pattern of your future. Not very bright is it, so why do it? How old are you both?

After 9 years, and 2 of this crappy behavior, can't you see he isn't ready for a mature committed relationship? Neither are you since you have to catch him being a dufus, and never get to the heart of the matter.

He lies, and you believe him, he does it again. you take him back. This looks like the pattern of your future. Not very bright is it, so why do it? How old are you both?

I am 22 and he is 24, I know that I've been a serious push over its just so difficult for me not to try and fix the relationship, and to try to talk things over am I just being stupid to fall for all the lies?


Only you know what you should do. You both are struggling with boundaries. Your boundary struggles are with his privacy. His boundary struggles are with other women. I am not sure I would be making a commitment that should be till death do us part with these issues still unresolved.

Every time I try to talk to him about he he starts feeling bad about what he has done and he tells me that it hurts him that I still have all of the things that have happened in my mind, he apologizes multiple times and swears he hasn't done it ever since I threatened to leave him...

I know it hard with a guy you have been with since puberty and you have no other experience to fall back on to guide you, but frankly enough is enough.

This relationship has taken over, and ruled your life long enough.

His coworker makes a great point. Would you believe that he had sex with someone else? I would. Because, based on your description of his behavior, I definitely don't think that boundary exists for him.

To me, what you are describing is cheating and it sounds like he has been doing it with many people for a good portion of your relationship. If I were you, I would call off the engagement and find someone else. He doesn't seem like he'll quit and if you can't tolerate infidelity now, do you think you'll tolerate it better when your married and your committment is supposed to be stronger? I doubt it. Leave.

I know that leaving him would be the right thing to do, but I can't help myself to feel as I should just try to talk it over with him and I should just call off the engagement for the time being until I can feel comfortable and able to trust him? But yet I look at myself and see how much damage he has done to me and how much pain I had gone through. It's difficult for me to leave him because I left something out, I have a 3 year old son with him and I know that it isn't healthy to try to mend a relationship for the child's sake but I don't know

Many married couple with kids go through this same thing in a divorce. There are many divorces across the land, and they leave and regroup, so you are not alone in a bad situation. Like them, you have to be tired of it and act on it as talking and forgiving doesn't seem to work, nor will marrying you long time jerk work either.

Nothing will change until you change it. It's your own dignity and self respect at stake here.

This behavior would amount to cheating in my mind even if he doesn't go through with a sexual act with these women. Cheating in my estimation is doing something that must be behind your partner's back because you know that it betrays them and would hurt them if they knew about it. He doesn't care - he knows you are likely to find out and does it anyway.

An equal concern of mine is that this is just trashy and immature behavior, and if you've been dating this dude for 9 years, I have to assume you are at least in your mid twenties if not older. It's just really childish behavior, the mentality of a junior high boy who's seeing his first Playboy magazine. The guy doesn't have the maturity for a long-term relationship if he hasn't outgrown "sexting".

I see no reason to stay with someone like this. You may think you love him but it's more likely you just don't want to be alone and don't want to give up the investment you've made in him so far. This, though, is a "cut your losses" situation. Get him out of the way so you can meet a grown man who won't keep you on the line for 9 years. Personally, if I wasn't sure I wanted to marry a guy within a year, I'd stop wasting his time and my own on him and would break up kindly and without malice and move on. The 9 year thing is another huge red flag - either he hasn't asked or you have had reservations about accepting, and either situation should not drag on for nearly a decade.

Every time I try to talk to him about he he starts feeling bad about what he has done and he tells me that it hurts him that I still have all of the things that have happened in my mind, he apologizes multiple times and swears he hasn't done it ever since I threatened to leave him... [/QUOTE]


Hmmmm...

Feels bad about what he's done or feels bad about being caught? I would think that if he feels bad about what he's done then the behavior would change. People show patterns of behavior and you know what his patterns are. You are committing to be together until death do you part. That is a big commitment to someone who you aren't sure if you trust.