I'm seeing a lot of questions on here relating to one's significant other watching porn, though I can relate to some of the concerns, here's where I'm at with it:

I recognize that men and women are different when it comes to sexuality - at least in some ways. I also recognize that there's nothing inherently wrong with masturbation. My problem however lies in the means through which masturbation is accomplished.

You guessed it, my significant other has been "caught" watching porn and masturbating. I've talked with him about it four different times now, he knows that it makes me very uncomfortable. He made the suggestion that we could video ourselves and he could watch that instead, which I'm all for, however when I pull out the camera he avoids it. He had told me in the past that he wouldn't watch porn (that didn't involve us) and I (perhaps naively) believed him. Come to find out he has been watching porn secretly despite what we've talked about.

My real problem here is that even though we've agreed on a solution to alleviate the discomforting aspect of his masturbation needs he hasn't been willing to follow through.

For me personally, it's a matter of respect. Especially now that I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall and a broken record. How do I deal with this?

I'll let the experts comment on this one. This is out of my league. I did though give up porn once my partner and I were living together full time. I wasn't asked to, I just thought it was the right thing to do.

Cripes...

It's got NOTHING to do with "Respect". Lets get that over right away.

You have a problem... and the way to deal with it isn't threaten and intemidate someone else so you don't have to face it.

Tell you what... you give up all your girly books and check flicks etc first... then when you are completely free of anything that a female might find titilating... then you will be in the position to judge him.


Persoanlly... speaking as a guy... you want to know the best way to get a guy seriously considering cheating with someone else? You got it... you are doing it now.


Looking at other women isn't disrepectful... looking and porn isn't disrespectful... if he was FLIRTING with other women with you around... now THAT would be disrespectful. IF he was actually cheating on you... that would be disrespectful.

Is you getting all soppy wet watching a Brad Pitt movie or a George Clooney movie any different? Nope... not really.

Yeah, I've ditched women over the years that were that insecure about themselves... I eventually married one that isn't. I learned early on.. that I wasn't a psycologist... and I didn't need to marry a project because lifes too short.

I think he had good intentions to make you happy, but the doing was a lot more difficult. It's that way with most guys I think, and its hard for a guy to know why females take such a private personal matter so personally and make it about them.

Simply put we don't understand what the big deal with whacking off to porn. WHY are you uncomfortable? Before you make your partner do anything maybe you should know why and for what end you do it.

I think it wise to get in touch with yourself (no pun) before you bring it to others so you can honestly express legitimate concerns not disjointed feelings. As a guy geez why do I have to get caught and punished for my time with me? Why can't you deal with your own discomfort?

Maybe you don't masturbate, or need no pictures or images to do so, some guys don't either, but if your guy does is a few minutes of privacy that hard (no pun) to give?

Relationships are about compromise even if you are uncomfortable but if it's a deal breaker or an issue that can't be resolved, then you leave and find someone you can work with to build a life that you both can enjoy.

What would have been your reaction if he told you that your discomfort was your problem to solve? Is that better than lying and trying to make your discomfort go away? The problem as I see it is he made a promise and couldn't keep it. He should NOT have made that promise.

Give him some privacy, and deal with your discomfort, until you can both work out a resolution that you both can agree on. I mean it okay to whack off on homemade porn, but not internet porn? That's not working!

I think your guy has a few years to go before he can deal with YOUR discomfort. Seems you have a problem dealing with it too, so he has no chance at this time.


My real problem here is that even though we've agreed on a solution to alleviate the discomforting aspect of his masturbation needs he hasn't been willing to follow through.

Good idea, but doesn't seem to work. Try something else. Put your heads together.

I can't honestly add much here.

You know the difference between the arousal cycles of men and women. You know he isn't watching this because he's dissatisfied with you. This is like trimming his toe nails. Except that one has porn and the other nail clippers. I will leave it as an exercise for the reader to figure out which is which.

An enlightenment on conflict and resolution. If you haven't figured it out most men don't like to see their mates upset. When a conclusion like this comes up we are embarrassed at being caught and will do anything to solve it quickly. If we say that we will stop then more often then not we won't but just hide it better. You saw this. I think he was a little shy and didn't want to be filmed. Most of the time it is the other way around.

I have also seen a LOT of amateur porn. It is pretty bad, heck I made some with my ex-wife. Cameras suck, lighting suck, angles suck, and some people get bashful when seeing themselves on camera. As well once something like that is made you have to make sure it doesn't end up online. Getting harder and harder to do these days. For him it is like going from using a nail gun to poorly shaped stone. It will get the job done, but it isn't the best thing to use.

So where can we go from here?

In addition to what has been said so far:
1). Ignore it. If you find it just ignore it. This is why, it doesn't matter. Thing about your intimate relationship from before he was caught and from the time he was caught again. What changed? You found out. That is all. Now he was to find better ways of hiding it. In the end he is still with you. He still likes playing hide the sausage. He's not dissatisfied with you. All he needs to do is clip his nails. Which is to say play with his penis.
2). If you want, make the homemade, I wouldn't. I don't think it is necessary. It might be good though, because now he has sanctioned porn that he can use to legitimize his porn watching. You can believe that he's thinking about you when he is tenderizing his striploin.
3). Out of sight out of mind. Just tell him that he can do what he wants so long as you know NOTHING about it. Tell him about hiding places and private browsing.

I was really petering out on the last one. In the end it is your issue and not his. You don't have enough faith that he's interested in you, regardless of what he says and does. That is on you to fix.

(directed @ smooth)

Yeah OK, not a helpful response there.

It IS an issue of respect to some degree because he and I have talked about this multiple times. When someone requests something of you, especially if it's something that makes them uncomfortable and they say that they won't continue doing it, then yeah, it's a matter of respect.

But hey, you're entitled to your opinion...

I'll let the experts comment on this one. This is out of my league. I did though give up porn once my partner and I were living together full time. I wasn't asked to, I just thought it was the right thing to do.

Just curious if you doing it voluntarily made a difference? What if they had insisted you give it up?

(directed @ smooth)

yeah ok, not a helpful response there.

It IS an issue of respect to some degree because he and I have talked about this multiple times. When someone requests something of you, especially if it's something that makes them uncomfortable and they say that they won't continue doing it, then yeah, it's a matter of respect.

But hey, you're entitled to your opinion...

What would you have done if he had said: "No. There is nothing wrong with that I am doing. It is your problem of self-image and self-worth. I love you and that will never change."

I am curious.

I can't honestly add much here.

You know the difference between the arousal cycles of men and women. You know he isn't watching this because he's dissatisfied with you. This is like trimming his toe nails. Except that one has porn and the other nail clippers. I will leave it as an exercise for the reader to figure out which is which.

An enlightenment on conflict and resolution. If you haven't figured it out most men don't like to see their mates upset. When a conclusion like this comes up we are embarrassed at being caught and will do anything to solve it quickly. If we say that we will stop then more often then not we won't but just hide it better. You saw this. I think he was a little shy and didn't want to be filmed. Most of the time it is the other way around.

I have also seen a LOT of amateur porn. It is pretty bad, heck I made some with my ex-wife. Cameras suck, lighting suck, angles suck, and some people get bashful when seeing themselves on camera. As well once something like that is made you have to make sure it doesn't end up online. Getting harder and harder to do these days. For him it is like going from using a nail gun to poorly shaped stone. It will get the job done, but it isn't the best thing to use.

So where can we go from here?

In addition to what has been said so far:
1). Ignore it. If you find it just ignore it. This is why, it doesn't matter. Thing about your intimate relationship from before he was caught and from the time he was caught again. What changed? You found out. That is all. Now he was to find better ways of hiding it. In the end he is still with you. He still likes playing hide the sausage. He's not dissatisfied with you. All he needs to do is clip his nails. Which is to say play with his penis.
2). If you want, make the homemade, I wouldn't. I don't think it is necessary. It might be good though, because now he has sanctioned porn that he can use to legitimize his porn watching. You can believe that he's thinking about you when he is tenderizing his striploin.
3). Out of sight out of mind. Just tell him that he can do what he wants so long as you know NOTHING about it. Tell him about hiding places and private browsing.

I was really petering out on the last one. In the end it is your issue and not his. You don't have enough faith that he's interested in you, regardless of what he says and does. That is on you to fix.

I know it's on me to "fix", however, in order to compromise on this issue I think I'm being more than fair by being OK with him watching a video of us instead of some porno on the web showing some girl getting ed six ways to Sunday.

There are some things about myself that will likely never change so at the end of the day he can either be OK with that or move on, it'll be his loss not mine. I am the way I am, I think the way I think for good reason and I don't feel the need to explain that to everyone here. All I was looking to find out is more about how I can persuade him to overcome the shyness. If he wants to hold the camera so he can be in control of the angles etc while I blow him, then he can do that. I'm looking for a mutually satisfying solution to this.

I don't like that he watches strangers , plain and simple, that's just how I feel about it, period. I'm not surprised that the male responses thus far justify what he's doing, pretty typical if you ask me.

Telling me that there's something wrong with me isn't helpful at all. So with that said, responses from here on out that even hint at that as being the core of the issue will be ignored. Proactive responses is all I care about here.

I'll let the experts comment on this one. This is out of my league. I did though give up porn once my partner and I were living together full time. I wasn't asked to, I just thought it was the right thing to do.

This is something I can appreciate and relate to.
Thank you for stating that. I definitely feel as though it would be the right thing to do.

What would you have done if he had said: "No. There is nothing wrong with that I am doing. It is your problem of self-image and self-worth. I love you and that will never change."

I am curious.

I would say quite simply that as partners in this relationship he has to be willing to help me overcome the low self-worth/self-image and part of accomplishing that involves understanding which of his actions have an impact on that. It's not like he got into the relationship not knowing what he was getting into.

(directed @ smooth)

yeah ok, not a helpful response there.

It IS an issue of respect to some degree because he and I have talked about this multiple times. When someone requests something of you, especially if it's something that makes them uncomfortable and they say that they won't continue doing it, then yeah, it's a matter of respect.

But hey, you're entitled to your opinion...
Um, not it ISN'T a matter or respect... hate to tell you... nobody appointed you queen... Ever hear the saying a marriage is a partnership? Grasp the meaning of partnership? It means its not a master/slave thing... He isn't subservient to you any more than you are to him.

You have no right to force him into any promise like that... how about he hounds you day in and day out he want you to have a threesome with another woman... you finally agree just to get him to shut up about it... so he finds someone and you refuse to honor the promise you made to him about doing it. I suppose he's got the right to keep giving you crap until you make good on your promise... right?


There wasn't "talking" going on... you was lecturing him like he was a subordinate,. he said that to get you to shut up... not because he intended to do it... or that he felt you had any right to make that demand.

I don't care if you like it or not... I'm just being straight up and direct. If you find him not coming home one day... this will be on you... because I warned you.

How about finding out what HE wants you to do... and you do it whether you want to do it or even like doing it... then you might get the drift of the point I'm making here.

He's developing resentment right now... keep it up and its only going to get worse. If it doesn't get better he's going to start "working late" and at some point not coming home at all.

After all... what do I know... I'm only a 51 year old man that been around and in a good marriage with a good woman for 21 years that doesn't give me this kind of crap, and never has. And who has met.. dated and dumped women that acted much like you do about things. A few worse... a few not as much. And I've dated women on two continents (I've spent considerable time living in Europe), and from 9 different countries before I got married.


Real "RESPECT" in a marriage is viewing your spouse as your equal... not your child or subordinate subject to your "orders".

If you don't face your problems yourself and deal with them... then they never get better... threatening others so you don't have to face them... isn't dealing with them.

Um, not it ISN'T a matter or respect...hate to tell you...nobody appointed you queen... Ever hear the saying a marriage is a partnership? Grasp the meaning of partnership? It means its not a master/slave thing...He isn't subservient to you any more than you are to him.

You have no right to force him into any promise like that....how about he hounds you day in and day out he want you to have a threesome with another woman....you finally agree just to get him to shut up about it.....so he finds someone and you refuse to honor the promise you made to him about doing it. I suppose he's got the right to keep giving you crap until you make good on your promise...right?


There wasn't "talking" going on...you was lecturing him like he was a subordinate,....he said that to get you to shut up...not because he intended to do it...or that he felt you had any right to make that demand.

I don't care if you like it or not...I'm just being straight up and direct. If you find him not coming home one day.....this will be on you....because I warned you.

How about finding out what HE wants you to do...and you do it whether or not you want to do it or even like doing it.....then you might get the drift of the point I'm making here.

He's developing resentment right now....keep it up and its only going to get worse. If it doesn't get better he's going to start "working late" and at some point not coming home at all.

After all...what do I know...I'm only a 51 year old man that been around and in a good marriage with a good woman for 21 years that doesn't give me this kind of crap, and never has. And who has met..dated and dumped women that acted much like you do about things. A few worse...a few not as much. And I've dated women on two continents (I've spent considerable time living in Europe), and from 9 different countries before I got married.


Real "RESPECT" in a marriage is viewing your spouse as your equal.....not your child or subordinate subject to your "orders".

If you don't face your problems yourself and deal with them....then they never get better....threatening others so you don't have to face them...isn't dealing with them.

Ok there old man, first of all, you have no idea what the exchange has been between he and I up to this point, so don't pretend to know anything about that. Secondly, I don't need your warnings. Not everyone is like you or like your wife and not every relationship is going to look the same. If the way I feel about something is going to be the end of my relationship then so be it. It's not like he's never asked me to do things out of respect for him or stopped doing things that he was uncomfortable with. It's called give and take, that's what balances a relationship.

I'm working on finding a solution for both of us here, I'm not looking for you or anyone else to try and tell me I'm in the wrong. I don't care if anyone thinks that of me, you can think whatever you want. My partner knew what he was getting involved in when he decided to be with me. Your response has not given any sort of proactive ideas so unless you have something worthy to contribute at this point I kindly ask that you keep your judgement to yourself.

Keep the camera in bed with you until he warms to the idea and wants to use it. Yes he knew what he was getting into with you, hope you know what you were getting into also.

As long a you both are willing to keep working on it, you probably will succeed, no matter the obstacles or difficulties.

Also set up multiple cameras. Make sure the commitment is deep because in 20 years you will hate the kids, and grand kids getting hold of it.

I would say quite simply that as partners in this relationship he has to be willing to help me overcome the low self-worth/self-image and part of accomplishing that involves understanding which of his actions have an impact on that. It's not like he got into the relationship not knowing what he was getting into.

I think what you may be missing is that he may have gotten into the relationship with some understanding of what to expect, but so did you.

I don't think you have fully thought this through. It is a slippery slope when one partner expects the other one to change so they feel more secure. Adapting to each other's needs and desires is a part of being in a relationship. It should be done because the partners want to change. That is what Oliver did, adapted to being in a relationship, because it was what he wanted. Requesting/demanding changes is very different.

Changes that are made to please another person rarely succeed in lasting very long. Changes that are made to make someone feel more secure often end up causing more issues. The person struggling with feeling insecure or less confident has to be able to find the confidence and security inside themselves. If the person cannot create a foundation of security inside themselves then any changes the partner makes will not be enough. Porn is the original focus. Take that out and the next concern becomes comments about women on TV or the street, looking too long at or flirting a waitress.

Watching porn is viewing strangers, actors playing roles (even most of the amateur stuff is scripted), pure fantasy from the mind of a script writer, director, and producer. If he stops using porn, will you start worrying that he is fantasizing about other women that he sees and/or interacts with? Do you really think you would be his only source of inspiration? In an attempt to raise your self-confidence and 'help' you feel more secure, would your next 'request' be for him to stop masturbating because you can't control his thoughts?

You can talk with him. You can ask him to make changes. You can be realistic and not accept promises you don't think he would be able to keep. But the only person's whose actions and reactions you can control are your own. If you can't accept the porn, you feel like he is lying and hiding, etc. then you can leave the relationship.

Do not put all of the responsibility for the relationship surviving or ending on him. Do not try to assign blame if it doesn't survive. Accept that you are too different in some ways and this just wasn't right for either of you.

All of that said, if you really want to make a video, you don't need him. Make one of/for yourself. Share it with him. Maybe that will give you both what you want.

Good luck.

Keep the camera in bed with you until he warms to the idea and wants to use it. Yes he knew what he was getting into with you, hope you know what you were getting into also.

As long a you both are willing to keep working on it, you probably will succeed, no matter the obstacles or difficulties.

Also set up multiple cameras. Make sure the commitment is deep because in 20 years you will hate the kids, and grand kids getting hold of it.

At last! A response with some ideas to help us in our agreement.

There won't be any kids in our "big picture" so I think we're safe there :)
Multiple cameras - check!

Thank you!

Ok there old man, first of all, you have no idea what the exchange has been between he and I up to this point, so don't pretend to know anything about that. Secondly, I don't need your warnings. Not everyone is like you or like your wife and not every relationship is going to look the same. If the way I feel about something is going to be the end of my relationship then so be it. It's not like he's never asked me to do things out of respect for him or stopped doing things that he was uncomfortable with. It's called give and take, that's what balances a relationship.

I'm working on finding a solution for both of us here, I'm not looking for you or anyone else to try and tell me I'm in the wrong. I don't care if anyone thinks that of me, you can think whatever you want. My partner knew what he was getting involved in when he decided to be with me. Your response has not given any sort of proactive ideas so unless you have something worthy to contribute at this point I kindly ask that you keep your judgement to yourself.

From your bad attitude about this... You told me enough to fill a book. If not an encyclopedia.

Also, you know and understand far, far, far less about men than you think you do... I see him walking out in the near future... no man with a set of balls will allow someone to belittle him like you are doing. And you need to hear it because apparently you are only focused on what YOU want and couldn't care less about what he wants.

Yes I know your type well... thanks for revealing it to everyone. My hunch was right... now everyone else can see it.

And incidentally.. you don't get to tell me if I can answer or not... you did take the time to read the rules and terms of service you signed , didn't you... apparently not.

You also have a poor understanding of the meaning of respect ( you showed it in this post) or relationships... you are really young.. aren't you?

If you want someone to agree with you even when you are wrong... talk to your friends... I don't care if you like me or not... I'm giving you the straight facts. If you care about your relationship... you will listen.

I think what you may be missing is that he may have gotten into the relationship with some understanding of what to expect, but so did you.

I don't think you have fully thought this through. It is a slippery slope when one partner expects the other one to change so they feel more secure. Adapting to each other's needs and desires is a part of being in a relationship. It should be done because the partners want to change. That is what Oliver did, adapted to being in a relationship, because it was what he wanted. Requesting/demanding changes is very different.

Changes that are made to please another person rarely succeed in lasting very long. Changes that are made to make someone feel more secure often end up causing more issues. The person struggling with feeling insecure or less confident has to be able to find the confidence and security inside themselves. If the person cannot create a foundation of security inside themselves then any changes the partner makes will not be enough. Porn is the original focus. Take that out and the next concern becomes comments about women on TV or the street, looking too long at or flirting a waitress.

Watching porn is viewing strangers, actors playing roles (even most of the amateur stuff is scripted), pure fantasy from the mind of a script writer, director, and producer. If he stops using porn, will you start worrying that he is fantasizing about other women that he sees and/or interacts with? Do you really think you would be his only source of inspiration? In an attempt to raise your self-confidence and 'help' you feel more secure, would your next 'request' be for him to stop masturbating because you can't control his thoughts?

You can talk with him. You can ask him to make changes. You can be realistic and not accept promises you don't think he would be able to keep. But the only person's whose actions and reactions you can control are your own. If you can't accept the porn, you feel like he is lying and hiding, etc. then you can leave the relationship.

Do not put all of the responsibility for the relationship surviving or ending on him. Do not try to assign blame if it doesn't survive. Accept that you are too different in some ways and this just wasn't right for either of you.

All of that said, if you really want to make a video, you don't need him. Make one of/for yourself. Share it with him. Maybe that will give you both what you want.

Good luck.

Like I said before, I have no issue with him masturbating at all.
A while back a did a boudoir photo shoot with him in mind. Was something that I did with the intention of capturing my youthfulness in a time frozen moment that he could have forever - visual stimuli so-to-speak.

Funny how this all turned into something far bigger than it was meant to. The bottom line is that I will probably never be comfortable being with someone who feels the need to watch porn in order to get their jollies off - that's just me and I understand not everyone feels the same way which is fine but just because I feel this way doesn't make it wrong or mean there's something I need to fix about myself. Regardless of what other people might think. My partner knows this about me so, yes, it does come down to whether he can be OK with that part of me. If he can't then I know all I need to know. But that wasn't the issue here. I wanted ideas on how to help both of us make good on the solution we felt might help.

As far as noticing other women, that's something we do together lol If he notices a beautiful woman, he points it out to me and I'll give him my thoughts on whether I see the same beauty he does. So that's a non issue for us. Flirting, as we have both agreed, is crossing a line so that part we've already established a mutual understanding of.

I have no problem admitting that I do have self-worth issues (I have my past to thank for that) and it's something I am working on daily (aside from a multitude of other f-ed up-ness that is my life).

A part of me wishes he had done a better job of hiding it since he knew from the start how I felt about it. The saying "what you don't know can't hurt you" comes to mind. Reality though is that it came out and now we have to find a way to address it.

Life is so much more enjoyable to deal with when you are healthy, and healed from the past experiences.

It's so hard to give an answer on issues like this, simply because most women, no matter how much you tell them why this happens, why it continues to happen, don't want to hear it, or don't actually listen. I'll try anyway, and before you comment, because I'm sure you'll have issues with my post since you don't agree, I'm female, and married.

You want to know why he hid it after you talked to him about it and expressed that you don't like it. You think it's a matter of respect, that he should stop because you don't like it. Do you see any problem with that? I do.

For the sake of argument let's say that you love romance novels. You read them all the time. When you read them, they turn you on.

One day the boyfriend comes home and finds your stash of romance novels. He says "I don't like that you're reading them, I want you to stop, this is not okay with me." How would you feel about that? Heck, substitute anything for the romance novels. Substitute something you enjoy doing. I don't know you well enough to know what that would be. Would you be okay with quitting something you enjoy, just because the boyfriend doesn't like you doing it? Be honest with yourself.

Fact is, you demanded that he stop. He loves you, and wants to make you happy, so he agreed to appease you. He didn't stop, because he doesn't want to, and shouldn't have to. He has a right to watch porn, it's not illegal, it's not dangerous. He has a right, you tried to take away that right.

Sure, you offered to make a home porn video. Good for you, that's great. Obviously that's not what he wants. Let's go back to my fake scenario "Honey, I don't like you reading romance novels. If you have to do it, I'll write one for you, and you can only read it. Deal?"

Bottom line, you're trying to change who he is. Whenever someone tries to do that in a relationship, it ends badly.

Either accept him for who he is, or find someone else. He has a right to be who he is, and you have no right to demand him to change, or get mad when he doesn't.

From your bad attitude about this...You told me enough to fill a book. If not an encyclopedia.

Also, you know and understand far, far, far less about men than you think you do....I see him walking out in the near future...no man with a set of balls will allow someone to belittle him like you are doing. And you need to hear it because apparently you are only focused on what YOU want and couldn't care less about what he wants.

Yes I know your type well...thanks for revealing it to everyone. My hunch was right...now everyone else can see it.

And incidentally..you don't get to tell me if I can answer or not...you did take the time to read the rules and terms of service you signed , didn't you...apparently not.

You also have a poor understanding of the meaning of respect ( you showed it in this post) or relationships....you are really young..aren't you?

If you want someone to agree with you even when you are wrong...talk to your friends....I don't care if you like me or not...I'm giving you the straight facts. If you care about your relationship...you will listen.

Ok, I admit, the way I'm reading your response just comes across incredibly insensitive and you come across very judgemental based on what little you know about me and my partner and our relationship. I think that alone made me defensive.

Enlighten me: what is the meaning of respect and relationship? (outside of anything related to porn and the like)

No I'm not really young. I've just had a lot of ty things happen that have conditioned me to think a certain way about specific things.

No I'm not really young. I've just had a lot of ty things happen that have conditioned me to think a certain way about specific things.

Then find someone that's conditioned the same way you are, someone that can live up to your standards.

Expecting someone to change who they are because of your issues, is not right, nor is it fair. Obviously you're not willing to change your views on porn, so why are you expecting him to change his?

Then find someone that's conditioned the same way you are, someone that can live up to your standards.

Expecting someone to change who they are because of your issues, is not right, nor is it fair. Obviously you're not willing to change your views on porn, so why are you expecting him to change his?

Deeply Profound LOGIC!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I admit, the way I'm reading your response just comes across incredibly insensitive and you come across very judgemental based on what little you know about me and my partner and our relationship. I think that alone made me defensive.

Enlighten me: what is the meaning of respect and relationship? (outside of anything related to porn and the like)

No I'm not really young. I've just had a lot of ty things happen that have conditioned me to think a certain way about specific things.

Respect is treating others are you expect them to treat you... respect is understanding they are your equal... not your subject to be lorded over.

I suspect like most people you don't enjoy people tell you how you are going to do everything.. and when you can do anything. Keep in mind most other people don'tlike that much either. Particularly adults. In your late teens and early 20's you are still used to living under your parents... by your 30's you understand you are your own boss when you are at home.. because at work you have to listen to others... even self employed you still have to listen to your clients.

I'm a direct person... I tell it like I see it... some people love it... some get upset because they don't want to hear the sugar free version. I don't get paid for this... but I take my time to give others the advice from lessons learned the hard way.

I'm packing for an overseas business trip... but I'm also still here taking time to answer you.


And incidentally... no matter what has happened to you growing up... (no I'm not asking you to tell me what) you are still responsible for how you interact with others. Meaning they don't have to do back-flips to accommodate you or your quirks. This is true for everyone.

That's a lesson that once you learn.. you will find you run into far fewer conflicts in your life.

And no matter what has happened to you... I have a very close friend that would beat it... the other longtime members here know that story... and yet she is the most friendly person you would ever want to meet.

Her life story would scare Stephen King or Clive Barker... (two famous horror novelists).

If you look for a battle.. you will find one on every street corner. Think I like EVERYTHING my wife does? Well I don't... but I suck it up and deal with it.. because in the big scheme of life... its not important. Same with her... we have a few old sayings... one is Chose your battles carefully... and the other... take care of the big things and the little things take care of themselves.

And if you think I have crappy people skills... In my daily work I deal with Government Officials.. Military officers, have dealt with Ambassadors... and Numerous CEO's of large corporations... and I wouldn't be entrusted with accounts worth over 14 million dollars a month for my company. I know people... I am good at reading them. I've got a LOT of practice doing it.

They all appreciate someone direct and honest. I've gotten a number of awards over the years based on how much they appreciated dealing with me. I have an award given me by the White house.

And I've got a LOT of experience with people and relationships as well... I see things years before they even see them themselves... and I've had a number of people I've run into years later telling me how right I was and how sorry they didn't listen to me at the time...

You can tell a LOT about a person in how they behave and how they respond.. and when you have known more than a few who have acted exactly the same way... you see people aren't really as unique as they might think.

For me personally, it's a matter of respect. Especially now that I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall and a broken record. How do I deal with this?

It is a matter of respect. You seem unable to respect his performance anxiety issue. He seems unable to respect your control issues.


How do I deal with this?

Quit while you're ahead.

Then find someone that's conditioned the same way you are, someone that can live up to your standards.

Expecting someone to change who they are because of your issues, is not right, nor is it fair. Obviously you're not willing to change your views on porn, so why are you expecting him to change his?

LOL. I expect nothing. I share how I feel about certain things with him and from there he can do as he pleases. There are no chains or shackles involved here. If he felt that way about this he would outright say so but he hasn't.

I have asked him if he feels like I'm pressuring him to change who he is and he has told me that no, he doesn't feel that way BUT that he does feel I could stand to learn more about what brings some men to watch porn - and I don't disagree with that.

Not that I'm going to subject myself to learning about that here because clearly there's only one point of view that exists on this forum - which isn't much help at all.


It is a matter of respect. You seem unable to respect his performance anxiety issue. He seems unable to respect your control issues.



Quit while you're ahead.

Performance anxiety issues? LMFAO! (He says "wtf are you talking about?")

Quit? Yeah right. First of all it's not in my nature to quit, especially over something that can be brought to compromise and understanding. Gimme a break.


....we have a few old sayings...one is Chose your battles carefully...and the other....take care of the big things and the little things take care of themselves.

If I take nothing else away from what you've said I will take this.

I never said you had "crappy people skills" - I just think it's rather judgemental to jump to conclusions when you only know a small part of the big picture. How can you possibly know what the other pieces are and what they hold? Nothing is as predictable as you like to think it is, everything is in constant flux, in a constant state of change. That is just my view.

Appreciating honesty... well, here I am being honest about where I'm coming from with my views and it doesn't seem to be much appreciated at all (not that I really care but just as a point of observation). I'm honest and it has felt like an attack on my feelings...

I'm not denying that I may have a thing or two to learn in my lifetime, I don't know or will ever know everything there is to know about love, life, relationships etc etc. But I do know this: When someone expresses how they feel about something, jumping out at them and telling them they are wrong to feel that way is just plain ignorant and belittling of the other's experience. I came here seeking suggestions on how to facilitate the agreement he and I made, period. I wasn't seeking anyone's judgement nor was I seeking an analysis of what brought my partner and I to this point.

I appreciate the time you've taken to respond despite having to prepare for your trip. I wish you safe travels.

I came here seeking suggestions on how to facilitate the agreement he and I made, period.

Perhaps you might ask that instead of


Especially now that I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall and a broken record. How do I deal with this?

So that we answer the question instead of the self-pity.

LOL. I expect nothing. I share how I feel about certain things with him and from there he can do as he pleases.

But you do have expectations. Those expectations are what brought you here. You have expected him to give up what he currently views and make a video with you for him to watch when he masturbates.

Saying that you share how you feel and he can do as he pleases, makes it sound like you tell him how you feel and that's that. You want him to listen to your needs, but I am not certain you listen to his. You may think you are giving him a chance to tell you if he feels pressured, but I don't think he sees the opportunity the same way you do.

As far as I am concerned, you are entitled to your opinions and view points. My concern is that you may be putting pressure on him and he hasn't been fully honest because he cares about you and the relationship. Asking you to learn more about why men watch porn sounds like a round about way of asking you to back off. He may be hoping that you will change your view and he won't have to be direct. I don't think he wants to hurt you or make you feel bad, but his approach hasn't been working, has it?

You don't want to learn from the people here why men watch porn, why? Because we are telling you why men and women watch porn and you aren't ready for it? It's okay to back up and say, I need to take some time and think. Let your brain process what has been said. Talk to your boyfriend about the on-line discussion. Don't try to rush into anything. But do try to open your mind enough to look at the issue from a different view point. Doesn't mean you have to change, however, it may give you insight in how he is thinking and feeling.

Good luck.

LOL. I expect nothing. I share how I feel about certain things with him and from there he can do as he pleases. There are no chains or shackles involved here. If he felt that way about this he would outright say so but he hasn't.


Great, then he can continue to watch the porn that he wants to watch, and there's no issue. So what's the problem?


I have asked him if he feels like I'm pressuring him to change who he is and he has told me that no, he doesn't feel that way BUT that he does feel I could stand to learn more about what brings some men to watch porn - and I don't disagree with that.


You could stand to learn a few things about men and porn, that's very true.

You said that if he felt that you're pressuring him about watching porn, he'd outright say it. Sounds like he has said it, you just aren't listening, otherwise why is he still watching porn, only hiding it from you?

Either way, you said he's allowed to do what he wants to do, so really, what is the problem?


Not that I'm going to subject myself to learning about that here because clearly there's only one point of view that exists on this forum - which isn't much help at all.


That's your prerogative. I don't think you're ready to learn anyway, you're not ready to give up what yo believe, and how you feel. You're not ready to accept anything but your own point of view.

When you are, if you want help, we're here. If not, and you continue doing things the way you're doing, forcing him to hide what he wants to do, then I don't see a happy outcome with this relationship. But that's your choice, only you can make it.

Good luck.

Just curious if you doing it voluntarily made a difference? What if they had insisted you give it up?

Its not something we ever talked about. When my partner moved in there was just a lot more going on and there was no need for it. But also I didn't announce "You're here so I am now stopping..."

As an investigator I must add that I have been called in numerous times because the home grown porn tape gets into the wrong hands. Either one of the partners has bragging rights and decides to share it OR the couple breaks up and it's shared out of spite OR someone finds it. On one occasion a child found it and brought it "home" to the custodial parent and that made for a very interesting Family Court hearing (to say the least). Would I participate in "home grown" porn in my own home with my partner? No.

"I would say quite simply that as partners in this relationship he has to be willing to help me overcome the low self-worth/self-image and part of accomplishing that involves understanding which of his actions have an impact on that. It's not like he got into the relationship not knowing what he was getting into."

I don't see that he HAS to do anything and apparently he feels the same. Would it be nice if he respected your request? Sure. Do you have a right to demand it? I don't think so.

Your problems with self respect are just that - your problems with self respect. Only you can fix yourself.

Maybe you want to view yourself having sex. Maybe he doesn't want to view himself having sex. Maybe that's what it boils down to.

I read through this and am not going to post the response I was going to in response to your first response to me. Don't get me wrong I have some tasty things to say.

First off, riddle me this: The title of this thread:

Masturbating to porn that's not of us, why does it keep happening.
When men masturbate they usually do it to a fantasy they're having. It isn't a solid thing like, "I have Angelica Jolie bent over while brad pit is licking my..." it is a thought. Like maybe you the last time he plowed you, or maybe it was when he was at that restaurant and the waitress bent over just right and he could see down her shirt. It could have been that midget gangbang video he saw, or anyone of a number of things. Even if he has everything you two have done on video, or pictures of, he still probably won't be thinking of that.

That is why it keeps happening. It is getting that seed of fantasy. It doesn't mean that he wants to have that kind of sex with that person or group of people. We're not dissatisfied with our mates or anything like that. It is because that's the itch they need to scratch and the porn is the scratcher. We don't associate what we spank to with desires or people. We know this. You don't.

Moving along.

(Quoted loosely.) I want to make homemade porn, and he is shy. How can I help him get over it?

We will ignore for the moment the fact that he only agreed to this because you won't allow him to watch porn. Don't give me this compromise bull, it was your decision and he doesn't like seeing you upset and was embarrassed about being cause so he kowtowed to you. Own up to this. You're working on your issues, prove it and own up to your bull.

Have you asked why he is shy? Is it his body issues? Surprise we have them too. Is it modesty? Is it that he can't watch himself plow you? Maybe he just wants to see you with a toy.

Talk to him. If you can't talk about sex then you shouldn't be having it. This is a conversation that you need to have with him.

Now onto other stuff:

I don't like that he watches strangers , plain and simple, that's just how I feel about it, period. I'm not surprised that the male responses thus far justify what he's doing, pretty typical if you ask me.

Typical male response? This is the typical female response, if we're going to be sexist here then we should be at least equal in that.

You're ignorant and you're happy with it. You're also entitled. You expect him to bow down to his whim or leave. I strongly encourage him to leave. You believe that you have no need to change and you're happy about that. That he is a project to be worked upon until he is the perfect person you imagine him to be. Will you be disappointed that he's no longer the person you fell in love with I wonder.

What will the outcome be? You're going to dump because you can't respect his privacy and he won't stop. This is going to be a constant theme until you find someone who is clever enough that you can't find any trace of it.



Telling me that there's something wrong with me isn't helpful at all. So with that said, responses from here on out that even hint at that as being the core of the issue will be ignored. Proactive responses is all I care about here.

You asked for advice. Often in the Adult Sexuality the issue you think you have isn't the issue that is seen. You're too close to the situation to accurately dissect and address what is going on. We're calling them as we see them. You're getting what you pay for.

As far as the home made porn videos...

I'm open to a lot of things with my wife... but we've never done a home video.

Why? I'll tell you why... I've seen thousands of "home movies" posted on the internet for all to see that were never intended to be seen by anyone other thant the two participants...

Its not just celebrites getting embarrassed... and once its out there... you will never get it back. I've seen hundreds of them I've actually downloaded... at a minimum...

You don't HAVE to put it out intentiuonally, or stolen... you just have to forget about it... it gets tossed out... someone finds it... views it and posts it then the cats out of the bag...


Like pandoras box... once the lid is off... you can't put it all back inside and close it up again.

Boils down to - OP wants him to change and stop watching porn.

OP wants him to change and agree to a "home grown" porn tape.

OP herself is not willing to change and drop the porn watching/porn making "requests."

"I love you just the way you are. Now change."

The OP, as far as I can see, has not asked her husband to stop masturbating to porn, but has simply let him now that it makes her uncomfortable. And she stated that " He had told me in the past that he wouldn't watch porn".

Still an unreasonible "request" or whatever word you call it... a request is made once and compliance is optional... by the third or forth time the "Request" is made it has become nagging.

If she's uncomfortable... she needs to work on her problem so she isn't uncomfortable any longer.

If you are uncomfortable with cats... you can't demand everyone in your neighborhood has to get rid of their cats so you never have to face one.

The world doesn't conform to the individual... the individual conforms to the world. If they choose not to... they will have problems and they will be their own responsibility.

That's a universal rule... because it applies to so many different things.

Part of the whole problem of this thread is to many older experienced people trying to guide a younger less experienced one who wants easy answers to a complex issue.

"How to get a guy to make a sex tape because he is uncomfortable with him whacking off to the stranger in porn."

She doesn't want to hear deal with your own issues. She wants to hear how to change him. She want him to deal with her issue for her, so guess who gets the blame when it fails? Of course he does.

Shifting responsibility to him was the whole goal any way. We often see insecurity or a lack of control to manifest itself in ways to control. They seldom work. Often it a disaster waiting to happen. The bottom line is the fear that causes the discomfort. Wonder what that's all about and why it ignored by the OP?

Still an unreasonible "request" or whatever word you call it.....a request is made once and compliance is optional....by the third or forth time the "Request" is made it has become nagging.

If she's uncomfortable...she needs to work on her problem so she isn't uncomfortable any longer.

If you are uncomfortable with cats...you can't demand everyone in your neighborhood has to get rid of their cats so you never have to face one.

The world doesn't conform to the individual...the individual conforms to the world. If they choose not to...they will have problems and they will be their own responsibility.

Thats a universal rule...because it applies to so many different things.

Or you can work together as a "team" and see that you come to an agreement to make your marriage work.

I’m reading this as a request that the significant other stop watching: “When someone requests something of you, especially if it's something that makes them uncomfortable and they say that they won't continue doing it, then yeah, it's a matter of respect.”
“Your response has not given any sort of proactive ideas so unless you have something worthy to contribute at this point I kindly ask that you keep your judgement to yourself.” I’d kindly ask that the OP not direct who answers the question and/or which answers are “worthy” and which are not. If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

“Ok, I admit, the way I'm reading your response just comes across incredibly insensitive and you come across very judgemental based on what little you know about me and my partner and our relationship. I think that alone made me defensive.” This is apparently a sample of OP’s own sensitivity.

Let’s see, how to phrase this? Oh, I know - I think this is one (admittedly) somewhat messed up chick in a messed up relationship. As Alty said, if your partner doesn’t meet your standards, find another partner.
"How to get a guy to make a sex tape because he is uncomfortable with him whacking off to the stranger in porn."

“Tal,” I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes. Classic and you summed it up! Delightful!

"Or you can work together as a "team" and see that you come to an agreement to make your marriage work."


There's no team when one partner relies on the other to measure her self worth and is making all of the requests/demands/whatever you choose to call them.

"Or you can work together as a "team" and see that you come to an agreement to make your marriage work."


There's no team when one partner relies on the other to measure her self worth and is making all of the requests/demands/whatever you choose to call them.

This has been a very interesting discussion. When I first read the question, I agreed with her. I still do. But I am a sap. I am actually glad I don't have to deal with this in my relationship.

Or you can work together as a "team" and see that you come to an agreement to make your marriage work.

Its not a team when One idividual tries to impose their rules with no input from the other team member(s).

On a team all parties are equals... or its not a team... then it's a master subordinate relationship.and the person being put upon or henpecked developes resentment that destroys the marriage.

Working together is fine.. its a good thing... but you can't "Work together" if one party decides they are going to pressure the other into doing something that violates their personal space... and rights as an adult to do things that harm no other people.

And watching porn alone harms no other people. He also has the same right to masturbate as she does. And to whatever stimulous they each enjoy... assuming however underage children aren't the subject.

Its also not an agreement if one party is pressured into giving an answer just to get the other person to be quiet.

Relate that to a coerced confession by the police... a court will toss that out in a blink of an eye.

Well you sit here and tell the girl to just deal with her husband getting himself off while watching porn.

She is asking for advice. She isn't getting any. Except to just let her husband do it or he will leave her. Which I disagree with that.

PhoenixM8, let me suggest going to counseling. It may be a good idea. As you have stated that you have issues that go way back. Is your husband aware of what ever it is that makes him masturbating to porn uncomfortable to you? If not, then sit down and explain this to him.
Have you ever tried watching the porn with your husband?

There has to be a little "give" on both ends. Or it won't work. All I can suggest is talking with him about everything. Try to understand why he likes to do it. Don't try to make him stop. Or he will do it behind your back and when you catch him it will hurt you worse than it would if you knew about it.

There is a concept of something called personal space... the rights of one individual END where the personal space and rights of another individual begin.

And the people so eager to violate someone else's space are usually the ones who yell the loudest and most quick when someone tries to violate theirs.

Its been my experience Oliver, that the longer a relationship lasts, the more challenges, and obstacles it faces.

Its been my experience Oliver, that the longer a relationship lasts, the more challenges, and obstacles it faces.

Good point. I guess we are going on 8 months so in the scheme of things, that isn't very long.

I've been married coming up on 22 years... and there has been mutual respect for each other and their space since day one... I don't threaten and intimdate her into anything... and she doesn't do it to me. DO we argue from time to time... certainly like any couple that's been together longer than the shelf life of frozen meat. But we never resort to intimidating the other into something by ANY means. If she doesn't want to do somethiing, she doesn't HAVE to... if I don't want to do something I don't HAVE to.

And there is no... "well damnit I HAD to do THIS for you....so you better darn well do THIS for me now". Because pressure someone into something and it WILL devolve into that eventually.

There is a concept of something called personal space.....the rights of one individual END where the personal space and rights of another individual begin.

And the people so eager to violate someone elses space are usually the ones who yell the loudest and quickest when someone tries to violate theirs.

Okay. Maybe don't watch the porn with him. Unless he would like you too. I know my husband would probably like that suggestion. Would I do it? Probably not.

Well you sit here and tell the girl to just deal with her husband getting himself off while watching porn.

She is asking for advice. She isn't getting any. Except to just let her husband do it or he will leave her. Which I disagree with that.

It is a matter of control and power in the relationship right now. She's uncomfortable with it. Why is she uncomfortable with it? Should she:
1). Not deal with her issues and expect her husband to change his behaviour so that the issue is never brought up again? This is avoidance.
2). Deal with the issue that makes this uncomfortable for her. This is dealing with issue.

The husband isn't doing anything wrong. How is it HIS fault that SHE'S uncomfortable?

If my wife had a Spider tattoo, and I am deathly afraid of spiders what would be the proper course of action? Her covering up that tattoo and Me avoiding spiders until the end of my days or dealing with the fear and overcoming my fear of spiders?


PhoenixM8, let me suggest going to counseling. It may be a good idea. As you have stated that you have issues that go way back. Is your husband aware of what ever it is that makes him masturbating to porn uncomfortable to you? If not, then sit down and explain this to him.
Have you ever tried watching the porn with your husband?

There has to be a little "give" on both ends. Or it wont work. All I can suggest is talking with him about everything. Try to understand why he likes to do it. Don't try to make him stop. Or he will do it behind your back and when you catch him it will hurt you worse than it would if you knew about it.

With all due respect, I have seen that answers before and they don't work as well as you would think. I have said that most men just need a pair of boobs to look at and they're hard. We're visual. Women aren't. You know this. It is the emotional side that gets your juices flowing. The thoughts and feeling behind that. It is a different arousal cycle.

Me getting my wife going, before she was pregnant, took about an hour of getting her in the right mood. It took her about minutes to get me in the mood. Which was about how long it took her to get undressed.

Watching porn together isn't as good as it seems for that reason. The guy is getting into it but the girl might not so much and the guy knows this and is embarrassed that he's into it and she's not. Then there is thought that she's comparing herself to the porn star... it goes down hill. She'll never be able to appreciate it. She looks down on the porn stars, kind of the same way as she does for hookers.

She has explained this to her husband. He kept doing it. So...

I do agree that SHE needs counselling in the worst way.

"Well you sit here and tell the girl to just deal with her husband getting himself off while watching porn. She is asking for advice. She isn't getting any."

This is your opinion - I would venture a guess that Smoothy (just to pick out one member) answers more "my bf/husband/significant other watches porn" questions in one month than the total number of times you've posted on AMHD.

And if your husband would ask you to watch porn, you would not? Perhaps that's how OP's significant other feels about making his own porn tapes OR stopping his porn watching.

I think the OP did get answers, well thought out, well expressed, certainly comprehensive. She wasn't given an easy fix, in my opinion, because there is no easy fix.

I do agree that there is a need for counselling - I don't think watching porn is the only issue here.