My girlfriend and I have been together for one and a half years. She's 30 and I'm 27. This is what I would call my first "long term" relationship. She's got a bit more dating experience than me, so I always like to step back and look at any given situation thoroughly before acting. This one is really stumping me and causing me a lot of pain.

We are both VERY busy working professionals, we try to eat well and stay in shape by exercising frequently, and we both find ourselves drained quite a bit. Last Fall she stayed at my house for days at a time because she was finishing her last semester in grad school and my place was 5 min from both school and work for her. Back then, she was loving, affectionate, called me nicknames, I made her laugh, she made me laugh, basically everything was great. Except one thing, and this is a big one... 8 months into our relationship I looked inward and decided I really did love her, and I told her... She didn't say it back. She just side-stepped and brushed it off. I've told her a thousand times since then and she never responds with anything other than "yeah yeah", or some other completely emotionless sentiment. She is very sarcastic, likes to joke and turn awkward things into a joke. I know I have to find out from her why she has never told me that she loves me, but let's explore what's happened since then...

4 months ago she started her "busy season" with the April-15 tax deadline. I knew to expect to hear from her less and basically leave her alone. It wasn't easy, but I figured out how to deal with it. We went from talking on the phone almost every night to only talking on the weekends and maybe or maybe not seeing each other on the weekend. What really got to me is the once-a-week or so she would come over and spend the night, she never wanted to have sex. I was frustrated by that and I told her, but I didn't really make a big deal out of it. I am very careful to give her "room" when it comes to work, I try not to be too needy and respect her commitment to her work. I figured things would change when her 7-day-a-week workload eased up. Things have only gotten worse.

I bought a condo, moved in March. Well, since April 15, she moved in with me, which is something we had discussed back when she was "living" with me last Fall when things were great and I put the short sale offer in. She's been here for about 3 weeks. Honestly, living with her is easy. We get along fine, at least I think so. I don't get tired of seeing her, I don't think she does me. I prefer to have her beside me when I go to sleep and to see her every day as opposed to the alternative.

A little about her:


She has always been reticent, not really able to talk about serious inner feelings. Not really able to talk about difficult-to-talk-about things.
She gets hot really quick and really easy, she has somewhat of a short fuse and is irrational when heated (like many women can be). I feel like it is really difficult to bring up "feelings" or issues with her because I feel like it will just result in a fight. I just have to make sure I know what I'm talking about when I do. She will come home, walk in the room and instead of saying hi, it's "why are your shoes on the floor?".


Things that really changed in the last 4 months, things she does/doesn't do that make me feel something is awry, like she has lost interest:

My first and biggest clue: she never ever ever wants to have sex anymore. She used to really get into it, now it's "I'm not in the mood". She hasn't "wanted" to have sex with me in 4 months. She's merely accommodated, per se, when I got so frustrated that I started to melt down. It's not just physical for me... I feel like she should want to do it if she is really into me and when everything is all right.
She used to have this huge smile on her face when she came over for the weekend, she was happy to see me. Now when she comes home, she doesn't say hi, she doesn't want to give me a hug or a kiss, no smile. She's basically become unaffectionate.
She doesn't like for me to touch her, ever. I just want some physical closeness at some point with some sort of regularity. A hug would go a long way. She never initiates this kind of contact and has started to really reject it. She'll push my hand away. She doesn't want any touching or cuddling in bed, or anywhere. A few weeks back she started to reel back when I tried to kiss her a harmless kiss goodbye... Something she never seems to want nor initiate herself.
she never compliments me
she never appreciates the things I do for her. I try to do a LOT of little things to let her know I love her. I carry things for her, open the door for her, all the basic gentleman stuff, cook dinner or make her a smoothie, I'm handy and I do all maintenance on her car and stuff around the house, I make her tea and basically do any little thing she asks me to do out of love for her. I've given her a very affordable living arrangement. I don't get a lot of notice. I brought home some flowers last week and it made her happy, but not as happy and I would have thought. I don't remember if she said thanks. I made her some tea last night when she asked. I brought it to her where she was working at her desk with her headphones in. I bent over and pointed to my cheek as if to say "a peck on the cheek will suffice for a thank you"... All I got was "what do you want?" I was so mad I wanted to take the cup of tea and pour it down the drain.. I didn't.
Says "why do you always follow me around" and has this perception that I follow her around... This would probably be when I'm looking for some affection that I can't seem to get... Can I please get a hug?

We've been together when she was busier and had less time than this season, so I don't think that is a big factor. I think this is more of a progression, maybe her finally showing me her true colors, because there have been times when she told me she didn't like when I put my arm around her shoulder, etc.

I feel like she is becoming more of a friend and less of a girlfriend. Am I being needy here?

Don't want to be hasty and I want to fully understand what's going on and how I feel about it. When I discuss this with her, I want to remove as much emotion (argumentativeness) as possible. Pleeeeease help!

Sorry, you sound like a nice guy but I think it is time to move on. Sounds like she has other interests now. You need a serious talk and tell her you are not going to put up with this crap and that she is using you.

You definitely need to talk to her. Don't let her sarcasm or short fuse be an excuse to not have a conversation. Just let her know you want to have a serious conversation about how her actions are making you feel. This obviously wasn't the relationship you had in mind when you started a relationship or moved in together. You don't know what you've got until it's gone, and this is definitely the case for her.

Thanks guys, I know we are going to have a big talk real soon.. I just don't want to do it before our week long Miami vacation in 4 weeks. I also want to let the dust settle from the all the moving and also make sure I am not doing anything(s) to give her any reason to treat me and talk to me the way she does.

When the honeymoon is over the work begins and you have to talk honestly of your concerns, and listen intently to hers to arrive at a compromise you both can live with.

If you cannot, what's the point of living together if you can't work together?

How does waiting until after the vacation make this any better?

If she doesn't talk to you about what is going on, it won't get any better. What would her reaction be if you stopped giving her attention? What would her reaction be if you said "I think I will just go to Miami by myself."

How does waiting until after the vacation make this any better?

If she doesn't talk to you about what is going on, it won't get any better. What would her reaction be if you stopped giving her attention? What would her reaction be if you said "I think I will just go to Miami by myself."

It definitely doesn't make it any better, and I know. Rationally speaking, it only makes sense to address this as soon as possible. If it all goes down badly, I just want to have one last good time before I have to go back into the dreadful dating pool again (I really never enjoyed 'dating').

She came home from work the other day and I didn't run in and welcome her home like I normally would. Occasionally I ignore her when I can't hear what she's saying and I'm focused on something (email, work).. She made it clear that those things bother her when they happened, so I guess she does care to some degree.

Right now I'm not so much worried about when I speak to her. I know I have to speak to her soon. I'm curious about your opinions of the situation. Have you guys ever been in a situation like this? How did you handle it and what was the root cause of the problem? I also want to get some opinions that might help me assess myself. Do I sound needy or do I have reasonable needs? I am I too nice? If you think so, what does "too nice" really mean and how does that affect how a woman sees you?

I have what I believe is a good level of confidence all-around, about how I look, about my intelligence, etc. but the way she has been making me feel has really been chipping away at it. I used to be able to push myself when I went jogging by thinking about her smiling face and thinking about how I wanted to be the best I can be for her (I do it for myself, but it's not the same motivation).

I have been thinking a lot and preparing myself mentally for the possibility of splitting up, I think perhaps to make that fall something I can take a little easier should it have to happen, also just to put it on the table... it's never good to be so complacent that you put up with so much crap.

I've been in two committed relationships in my adult life and have never had these issues. I've always been with really good communicaters and I am one as well. There's a possibility she see's you are needy. But the whole situation won't get any better until the lines of communication are open on both sides. Plus you can't fear the dating scene and use that as an excuse to stay stuck.

There is a lot of information that is missing, has she been married before? It sounds like the answer to that question is negative for you. She seems to be "missing in action" for days, how far apart are you during these "mia'"? Days and nights without commuication are not a good sign. Could it be she has now lost her distraction and now is moving in with you? If I were in your shoes, I too would not be a happy camper. You need to iron out what is wrong now not after your fling in Florida. If it is the end, go enjoy and start your dating there.

There is alot of information that is missing, has she been married before? It sounds like the answer to that question is negative for you. She seems to be "missing in action" for days, how far apart are you during these "mia'"? Days and nights without commuication are not a good sign. Could it be she has now lost her distraction and now is moving in with you? If I were in your shoes, I too would not be a happy camper. You need to iron out what is wrong now not after your fling in Florida. If it is the end, go enjoy and start your dating there.

No, she hasn't been married, doesn't have any kids I know about. Neither have I. She was off the radar for 3-4 days at a time maybe. I have witnessed the reason why too... she works all day, then comes home and works until she can't keep her eyes open anymore, 7 days a week. She still works very hard every day and works on the weekends to and always has "a lot of stuff to do".