My man would get things started a few times daily up until about 2 months ago. I've tried everything. Little outfits, the surprise, toys, I mean everything. He can't seem to talk to me respectfully and just doesn't want any part of being affectionate at all in any way.

I have a deep gut feeling there is someone else but I asked him once and he assured me I am it. But I am not happy and I love him. I do not want to say **** it and give up! Please help.

Desi, how long have you been together?

The first thing to do is to take a step back and look at the big picture. Issues in the bedroom usually have their beginnings in other areas.

You say that he doesn't seem to be able to talk respectfully to you and doesn't want to be affectionate. Did those issues begin before or after the sex stopped? If after, then they may be due to frustration and the feeling that if he is affectionate you will want more than he is wanting to give.

Have you sat down with him and calmly asked if everything is okay?

Do you know of anything that might have happened two months ago that might have affected his libido? Medical issues, medications, stress at work/school, family issues, pregnancy scare, etc. can all affect a person's libido.

Sometimes a person just doesn't feel like having sex. It doesn't mean they don't care or the relationship is failing. Sometimes when there is a change in what has been 'normal' people can overreact and put pressure on their partner because they are afraid. That fear and pressure can cause more problems than there already were.

Something that helps some couples is to show affection when you aren't expecting sex. Holding hands, a quick kiss, etc. Show him that it is safe to show affection and you aren't going to try to seduce him if he gives you a hug.

If you want to give the relationship a chance, let the insecurities go. Back off and try talking to him when both of you are calm and there are few distractions. Listen to what he says. If you don't understand what he is saying ask for clarification. By communicating, you may find out there are things bothering him that have nothing to do with you, but are causing him to pull back. Try working together. It may mean that you need to back off and allow him to deal with his issues, but you can give him support while he does.

With all that said, if he won't talk with you or giving him some space and time doesn't help, you may need to decide if you want to put more energy into the relationship. Is it worth it to you?

This is our second attempt at this we have been together exactly 6 months today.. Thank you for the advice anf yes I have calmly talked about my feeling multiple times with him and its always the same thing he says "not doing this right now " ot he will find some reason to be mad at mefor something but no more than 10 minutes after I posted this he woke up and kissed me in a way he hasn't in a long time anf he got intimate ! And firat thing this morning he actually talked to me avout all this.. It was on his way to work but he still talked for a few . And as I was getting out of the car he actually said we will finiah this tonight when he gets off! I couldn't of asked for anything more that's all I wanted was fpr him to listen and respond not react.. Wow.. Hope I. Not getting

I think you are worried about the wrong thing - sex, intimacy - and not what stuck me - " He can't seem to talk to me respectfully ..."

I'm not sure the problem here is "just" sex - or the lack thereof!

OK? Go on and tell me your thoughts

“ok?? Go on and tell me your thoughts”

My concern is your wording - “ He can't seem to talk to me respectfully... "

I would be very concerned about being in a relationship with a man who doesn’t treat you with respect, and that includes the manner in which he talks to you. That borders on abuse. Maybe he rolls over some mornings and he’s ready for sex. Maybe some morning he isn’t. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk about it. That’s one issue.

But talking to you in a disrespectful manner? That will only get worse.

I agree and that's one of our biggest fights is for him to talk nicer to me . He is just so snappy anf short with me and it drives me nuts I'm constantly telling him "i am supposed to be your girlfriend and i want to be treated as such" other than doing the ouvious and calling it quits what else can I try.
“ok?? Go on and tell me your thoughts”

My concern is your wording - “ He can't seem to talk to me respectfully ..."

I would be very concerned about being in a relationship with a man who doesn’t treat you with respect, and that includes the manner in which he talks to you. That borders on abuse. Maybe he rolls over some mornings and he’s ready for sex. Maybe some morning he isn’t. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk about it. That’s one issue.

But talking to you in a disrespectful manner? That will only get worse.

If you're threatening to leave and don't leave you've lost all credibility. What else can you try? I have no idea. If the choices are put up with it and stay or don't put up with it and go, those are your two choices and only you know which is best for you.

Maybe he's trying to drive you away; maybe it's something else. Presumably he knows.

I wouldn't even mention the girlfriend part. I'd tell him not to talk to me like that and remove myself from the conversation.

Ive nevwr threatned to leave we aren't living together I am at the point of giving up
If you're threatening to leave and don't leave you've lost all credibility. What else can you try? I have no idea. If the choices are put up with it and stay or don't put up with it and go, those are your two choices and only you know which is best for you.

Maybe he's trying to drive you away; maybe it's something else. Presumably he knows.

I wouldn't even mention the girlfriend part. I'd tell him not to talk to me like that and remove myself from the conversation.

I would leave.

If he can't treat with respect or actually talk to you then it isn't worth your time. It is as simple as that. The fact that he can't talk to you is what stands out to me. "I don't want to do this now." When is a good time? Honestly? The fact that he's disrespectful is a nail in the coffin.

The first nail, in my opinion, is that this is the SECOND time you've tried this relationship. What caused it to fall apart the first time around? Do you honestly, in your deepest of hearts, think he has changed?

There are too many warning flags and it is only six months in. Dump him and move along.

Yes he has changed we both havd . Him and I uaed to be into drugs and all sorts of illegal crap... He then went back to prision and a month or two later I was looking at 21 felonies and a 10year sentence. Instead I fought for drugcourt and graduated that program and bettered myself I've been clean 3 years 4 months . So yes I do believe he has changed he I is clean and sober working 75-80hours a week and his job is legit . Ao in my opinion wr are totally differe t people
I would leave.

If he can't treat with respect or actually talk to you then it isn't worth your time. It is as simple as that. The fact that he can't talk to you is what stands out to me. "I don't want to do this now." When is a good time? Honestly? The fact that he's disrespectful is a nail in the coffin.

The first nail, in my opinion, is that this is the SECOND time you've tried this relationship. What caused it to fall apart the first time around? Do you honestly, in your deepest of hearts, think he has changed?

There are too many warning flags and it is only six months in. Dump him and move along.

Something is wrong here - totally different writing style.

Two people, one screen name?

Talaniman did edit the initial post a little for Clarity sake, but you do have a point. The initial post seems much clearer than the subsequent posts.

If u are referring to mh screen name no just me . Why? Does my typing sound like multiple people ?
Talaniman did edit the initial post a little for Clarity sake, but you do have a point. The initial post seems much clearer than the subsequent posts.

Why don't you try spending some time apart from him. Go out with friends relax your mind, go swimming and if he calls you tell him how you feel and how you want things to chance. You have to demand respect.

I so badly want to stoop to his level I would talk to him with disrespect,ignore him, snap at him but I whont . I am a firm believer on "treat people how u want to be treated" just wanted to say thank you and I am so glad I stumbled on to this site.
why don't you try spending some time apart from him. go out with friends relax your mind, go swimming and if he calls you tell him how you feel and how you want things to chance. you have to demand respect.

If u are refering to mh screen name no just me . Why? Does my typing sound like multiple people ?

Truthfully it does. The initial post was better written and had a more concise feeling to it. The subsequent posts have been different, less polished. It is odd.

I would be appreciated if you took the extra few minutes and articulate your thoughts and use the best grammar and spelling you have. It makes it easier for us to understand as there are some of us for whom English isn't their primary language.

As former drunks and addicts then you both know what to do when you are restless, irritable and are in discontent. Remove yourself or get help, and I can tell you that a guy working 75/80 hours a week is in no mood to be affectionate.

Its not at all unusual for former addicts to grow apart once they get sobriety either. I think you look beyond the feelings and see the facts because adjustments can be made. You aren't happy and are ready to bail but why does he bear responsibility for YOUR happiness?

How many hours a week do you work? For sure I think your lack of attention is a symptom of a bigger issue in other areas of the relationship. Look around.

This is impossible.
You don't live together.
He works 75-80 hours a week.
Yet he would 'get things started a few times daily.'

How do 2 people who don't live together and work that much have that much sex?
PLUS, you expect that after the initial romance (in your case, about 4 months) sexual desire cools down from 'a few times a DAY' to something more like a few times a week, despite toys and outfits. And I still don't see even that when someone puts in that many work hours...
I too worry about the change in your writing style and hope you didn't fall off the wagon.

Her writing style has not changed. Not one bit.

When I get excited or I am side tract my textin will look like I'm trying to speak 16 different laungages . As for him workibg so much its his season. He is a forman and this time a year I'm he is always at work so like I said from the beginning his disrespect and diatance just started a couple months ago. On a normal week he works probably 55+hours a week
Her writing style has not changed. Not one bit.

When i get excited or i am side tract my textin will look like im trying to speak 16 different laungages . As for him workibg so much its his season. He is a forman and this time a year im he is always at work so like i said from the begining his disrespect and diatance just started a couple months ago. On a normal week he works probablly 55+hours a week


this is our second attempt at this we have been together exactly 6 months today .. Thank u for the advice anf yes i have calmly talked about my feeling multiple times with him and its always the same thing he says "not doing this right now " ot he will find some reason to be mad at mefor something but no more than 10 minutes after i posted this he woke up and kissed me in a way he hasnt in a long time anf he got intimate ! And firat thing this morning he actually talked to me avout all this .. It was on his way to work but he still talked for a few . And as i was getting outta the car he actually said we will finiah this tonight when he gets off !! i couldnt of asked for anything more thats all i wanted was fpr him to listen and respond not react .. Wow .. Hope i. Not getting

I think there are issues, but I think he may be willing to work with you.

What changed two months ago?

To be honest, he may be what you think of as disrespectful, but I think there may be a bit of very high expectations on your part. If you are expecting him to be lovey-dovey and talkative after a grueling day at work and he isn't feeling up to talking, then there is a conflict. He may just need some time to relax after he gets home.

I underatand that I work as well . But its not okay to treat soneone who also just worked a full day and came home and cooked a full dinner like a POS . No appreciation at all and that sucka.. And yes I may havr (in tour words) high expectations . But really is a hello and tha k you too much to ask. I don't thi k so
I think there are issues, but I think he may be willing to work with you.

What changed two months ago?

To be honest, he may be what you think of as disrespectful, but I think there may be a bit of very high expectations on your part. If you are expecting him to be lovey-dovey and talkative after a grueling day at work and he isn't feeling up to talking, then there is a conflict. He may just need some time to relax after he gets home.

I find going from neat punctuation to no punctuation at all to be a change in writing style - but perhaps that's the English major in me and the OP has explained it.

No I don't like lovey dovey . I do like occasional conversation . Um maybe a thank you for dinner it was good.. . But there's NOTHING I just want to feel appreciated.. Ya know I don't even know why I'm still trying to prove something to someone who already has their mind made up. Shoulf I start posting his voicemails or maybr pictures ? Would that convince you

Another thing once again we DO NOT live together so he does go home and relaxes and showers puts on nice clean clothes the when he is ready he comes over. What part of that wad hard to understand the first time I said it ?

"Another thing once again we DO NOT live together so he does go home and relaxes and showers puts on nice clean clothes the when he is ready he comes over. What part of that wad hard to understand the first time i said it ?"

Who are you addressing and why the attitude? You come on AMHD asking for advice. You got advice. If you want to know what outsiders think, ask here. If not, talk to your friends.

I don't understand your attitude toward people who have put time and effort into answering you.

The fact that he's a loser doesn't make it "our" fault. "We" aren't in a relationship with him.

No attitude intended

We get you are not happy and want changes from him, but if you get none then you have few options but to leave him alone. You have only been together 6 months and its time to talk and listen and see if you both can make adjustments and resolve your issues through communications.

If you cannot, I fail to see the point of continuing this relationship because I doubt either of you is happy as thing are.

No communications = No relationship. I think all couples go through the same periods of making a decision to stay or go. You are not alone in that as the initial honeymoon period is over and you start learning the faults you both have that annoy each other. How you deal with each other now and develop the kind of communications that allows you to address each other concerns is the key.

Keep talking, or start walking.

* While The initial question was edited the rest of your posts here were not, and hard to read.

Well I started walking.. I just can't do this anymore I want tk be happy and not worry about upaerting him or making him mad if I were to go do my on thing . So this morning I tomd him that his behavior and showing off fkr his friends by talking rudely to me was the last straw . So thank u . I appreciate all the advice