I think this is the best forum fit... long, sorry...

So here is the deal:

Now that I have my job, J ( my husband) and I need to move. Where we live now was based on J being the only steadily employed one, and his home was bought by him before he met me due to its proximity to the base he works on. Now, I work over an hour away, and it is taking a big toll on J and I both, him because he is now doing a lot of the R (my son) associated tasks, and me because I spend so much time traveling and so little time at home with the family. We cleaned up my credit and now we qualify for a VA loan, no money down. So we are halfway there.
So we found a halfway point town between our jobs and are looking at houses in that town. We have run into a wall now however because we are having trouble agreeing on a home. The first one we looked at was enormous, 5 bedrooms (more like 6 or 7 due to finished basement) 3 and ½ baths, big finished soundproofed basement and attached garage. It doesn’t have much of a yard. When we looked at it my dad came and said he was really concerned about the siding job and structural problems with the home. Since then I have come to agree and especially I am concerned with increased bills (heat and such), constant repair and all that that goes with this house. It also worries me the owners keep dropping its price by 10k about every 3 weeks. I found two others that were lower priced, still had enough bedrooms, but no finished basement. One of the smaller ones even has a pretty nice backyard, fenced in, for R.
Well now we argue about the house thing all the time. J is stuck on immediately having a finished basement- those who are familiar with us know why- his gaming. He actually tried to explain to me today how "AWFUL" it would be for him if he did not have his 3 monitors, two tvs, surround sound, projector, projector screen and space for his Xbox, laptops, and Playstation. I am honestly left wondering if he is being ridiculous or I am being inconsiderate since I am not a gamer and so would not know what is or isn’t tolerable… it just seems absurd to me that one would NEED 3 monitors to play games on, two TVs to be playing TV on at the same time, and a projector he also sometimes uses simultaneously. Am I going crazy or is that objectively excessive? I should add when we got married it was just 1 TV and 2 monitors. It had grown since to the level it’s at now.
He also seems to think we need to pick a house now and not move again, and that the “white elephant” (as my dad calls the huge white house) is an investment that will improve and it’s worth spending the extra 40k that we would save by buying a smaller house because it will improve. But I don’t agree. The house is huge, I am not even sure I want to undertake keeping that much space orderly, and the fact they have so much trouble selling it and keep dropping the price tells me it’s not a worthwhile investment. The houses I looked at should suit us even with a new member of the family and there will be a guest room left over besides (they both have 4 BR, 2 ½ baths). I don’t know their investment value but they are about 40K less… probably because they are smaller and there is no finished basement. I should mention our combined incomes can support either the larger or smaller home…. But with the smaller one we could put more in savings, R’s college, or our retirement.
So SFVers…. Who is right? Am I being unreasonable? Is he? It’s driving me NUTS! He gets mad I am “dismissing” the white elephant, but I am annoyed his gaming is determining our family’s home!

He keeps following up too with these little comments like "I know you don't give a if I have a nice place to relax" and "How would you feel if your place to relax was a black and white tv and a wooden chair?" and "I know you don't really care if I can game or not but it's very important to me".
Seriously all he would have to do is give up a TV or two until we had the basement finished...

I don't think I understand the problem and how home shopping is involved.

I understand that you apparent argue incessantly about trivial things and take verbal swipes at each other.

What is the problem? What am I missing?

You can't agree on how to spend your money, his money, mutual money?

House. Which house is better. A bigger one, or the smaller one. Better as an investment and for our needs working full time with 1 maybe two more kids later.

Better to save money and get smaller one or invest in larger one.

Okay, have you looked beyond the houses themselves to the neighborhoods, schools, shopping, etc. What are the neighbors like? Has your father looked at the other prospects?

Is your father's input part of the issues? Would it be better to have an independent person check out the houses?

It seems to me that both of you are set in your own thoughts and ideas. Perhaps you need to sit down and write out the pros and cons of each house. Include repair costs, upgrade costs, maintenance, monthly expenses, etc.

Would finishing a basement eat up the initial savings? Is it a job that he/you could do or would it take contractors?

Buying a house should be a mutual decision. You are going to have to find a compromise which may be a fourth house you haven't looked at yet. It may be using a bedroom as a gaming cave for awhile.

Why can't you and your husband make this decision? I don't understand why the need for strangers who have no idea about the background, the relationship, your finances, have any input in this decision.

Yes, my dad being involved might be part of the problem, but, I don't want to throw money away inspecting a house I don't really want anyway. I feel like my husband wants the house for the basement and isn't considering the other things about it. I also think maybe the house is like a status thing for him, like he wants a really big house to show he's "made it" or whatever, you know? But I mean, it's so big, I get a headache thinking about cleaning three floors and all the rooms within...

No, I looked into finishing basements, for what we/he would want, it'd be about 10k. My dad actually is a contractor so he could help us with some of it, and we'd need people just for certain aspects. We would save about 40k by getting one of the smaller houses, so we're still ahead 30k if we get a smaller house.

I suggested a bedroom as a gaming cave, but he insists it all wouldn't fit and he couldn't mount the TVs the way he wants to.

I chatted with neighbors at the big house, but only saw the ones in the smaller houses. The two smaller houses are in the same neighborhood. My dad actually scouted out one of the smaller ones checking everything out.

I just want to know if I am being unreasonable... and talk it out with someone not involved. Everyone around me is invested in one or the other, just trying to get impartial views.


Thanks Cat for being helpful, and not snarky.

Have you closely studied the financial impacts of all your plans?
There seem to be some cautions for me in your write-up, like
"Now that I have my job," and "cleaned up my credit and now we qualify for a VA loan, no money down. So we are halfway there. "
Half way to what? Getting a loan or being able to afford the house details you are looking for. I don't think that anyone can make an accurate prediction at this point (in most areas of the U.S. at least) as to whether a house purchase is a good investment. I'm not convinced that you have determined what you can afford. What job did you recently obtain and how secure is the job?

Halfway there means we need to sell our current house before we can move.
I work for JNJ. Very secure, I have little doubt about losing my job.

My credit was bad due to my ex not paying his share on bills for our son but telling me he had. I paid all of that off, and I'm homefree now.

We can easily afford one of the smaller houses. The larger one gives me qualms, because not only will the payment be higher but all the bills associated will be higher too (heat, a/c, etc). Not to mention keeping up the siding it has on it.

Halfway there means we need to sell our current house before we can move.I work for JNJ. Very secure, I have little doubt about losing my job.

My credit was bad due to my ex not paying his share on bills for our son but telling me he had. I paid all of that off, and I'm homefree now.

We can easily afford one of the smaller houses. The larger one gives me qualms, because not only will the payment be higher but all the bills associated will be higher too (heat, a/c, etc). Not to mention keeping up the siding it has on it.

I suggest getting your current house sold before buying a new one especially if you are counting on the proceeds as part of your buying/moving funds.

How secure is H's (H for husband) job? You mentioned something about him working on base.

I understand your feelings about the big house. It sounds like even if expenses weren't an issue the size and maintenance would be.

A way to approach H about taking it off the table might be to sit down and explain that you aren't a gamer, but you do understand his need for his space. You want him to feel comfortable in the new house. However, you need a place that you feel comfortable in too. If you are worrying about cleaning or fixing something, then it is going to be a strain on you and ultimately on the marriage. You have been through so much already.You don't want a 'money (energy) pit' coming between you.

If neither the smaller houses are acceptable to both of you, keep looking.

If one of the houses looks good and other than the basement you both like it, ask him to think about this: By finishing the basement yourselves, he can have it set up the way he wants it from the very beginning. Outlets and reinforcements can go where he needs them (within building code specifications, of course.) Try using it as a selling point.

Try to keep your mind open to other possibilities. This may be a sign that you just haven't found the right place.

Keep looking until you can both agree on the long term possibilities of another house. Why be in a hurry, especially if you have not sold your house yet? The key is selling ideas to each other and doing your homework. Also recognize he has a house and its served him, and you well, so respect his experience since it seems this is a move of convenience for your job, as much as it is for the future.

Why get hyped up over 3 houses in one neighbor hood? You have many more options in my view, and the guidance of a contractor father, while a helpful thing, has its drawbacks in conflicts with your own husband. Any suggestions should be in writing from him with dollar and sense facts and figure.

Avoid at all costs having to pay two mortgages, and be stuck waiting as you remodel, for your money. Maybe renting or leasing your house for a year or so would work if you find a new home. My point is explore your options with facts and not just feelings because we are talking MONEY after all. Even what appears to be a white elephant can be negotiated well with the proper fact and figures, so you do well to keep your mind open. I have bought and sold a few homes in my time, and a great kitchen or game room means nothing when the furnace is undersized, or the plumbing and wiring are sub par.

A good thorough inspection is worth its weight in gold. So is an honest property value assessment. Many technical but important points but the right house for you both sells itself.

Good luck.