justdepressed
Apr 22, 2013, 05:11 PM
I've been so depressed about this going on 15 years come July 9th. My ocd & hypochondria are bothering a lot more lately, and I can't shake the memory of my rape.
I'm guessing it's because, the day is when it happened is coming up. But anyway, my hypo on the other hand is tearing me up. I constantly feel like I got some form of a health issue and can't feel clean - I can't stop cleaning and organizing. My psych isn't getting anywhere with me, and so I stopped seeing her. Really nothing is going to help me, been seeing her for a long time, and I'm still in the same situation that I was in when I first walked in her door.
I really want to know, is there any hope or will I always be bound to this doom. I never told anyone about this but my psych, I isn't good at it and am rambling on, to avoid it. But here it goes, and then you can tell me if you think there's any hope left. Wednesday July 9th 1997 when I was 9 years old I was raped, it was not even one month after I turned 9.
The man who raped me told me lots of things, told me he was AIDS positive. He told me how after he is "done with me" ill have HIV, he then told me all of the symptoms of hiv how sick you'll get, and how it ends up killing you once it turns to AIDS he told me that if anyone I know or my parents found out I got it, that they wouldn't want to be around me, they wouldn't want to be close to me because they would be worried that they would get it also. And that I better not tell anyone what he did to me because if I told on him about what he did then people would find out that I have it and my friends and family would get rid of me so they don't git it.
So I didn't tell but everyday I constantly checked my body symptoms. Tried to be clean, tried to live although, it didn't go well because in the back of my mind I will die on a terrible disease. So when I started high school and we learned about all of that and treatment, I had a rapid hiv test at 16 & it was NEGATIVE and I thought to myself crap how can I get treatment if this stupid test shows that I don't have it.. so I had a cold & went to my doctor, and she did an office oral swab, negative and sent me to the lab for blood work it was an ELISA I believe that how its spelled anyway again NEGATIVE.
I cried and cried, how can I get treatment if the tests are wrong all the time.. to make a long story short, well I ended up broke down and I confessed everything to my psychiatrist.. and she was quiet... and calmly said, how sure are you he had AIDS? Do you know, some men will brainwash a child and have a child terrified out of telling, so they are able to get out of it? And I asked her "what do you mean?" and she explain to me how the test, would definitely come back 100 percent accurate after having it for quite some time now. And that telling me that, was a lie to keep me quiet, 4 tests later,I believed her.
I have 1 daughter who's almost 5 now. I don't have hiv or aids.. I still get tested every 3 months, and I still feel like every body function I feel is a sign of hiv cancer or something else going to end up dying on. 15 years later I still feel disgusting...
How can I help myself if psych can't help me??
>minimally edited for readability<
I'm guessing it's because, the day is when it happened is coming up. But anyway, my hypo on the other hand is tearing me up. I constantly feel like I got some form of a health issue and can't feel clean - I can't stop cleaning and organizing. My psych isn't getting anywhere with me, and so I stopped seeing her. Really nothing is going to help me, been seeing her for a long time, and I'm still in the same situation that I was in when I first walked in her door.
I really want to know, is there any hope or will I always be bound to this doom. I never told anyone about this but my psych, I isn't good at it and am rambling on, to avoid it. But here it goes, and then you can tell me if you think there's any hope left. Wednesday July 9th 1997 when I was 9 years old I was raped, it was not even one month after I turned 9.
The man who raped me told me lots of things, told me he was AIDS positive. He told me how after he is "done with me" ill have HIV, he then told me all of the symptoms of hiv how sick you'll get, and how it ends up killing you once it turns to AIDS he told me that if anyone I know or my parents found out I got it, that they wouldn't want to be around me, they wouldn't want to be close to me because they would be worried that they would get it also. And that I better not tell anyone what he did to me because if I told on him about what he did then people would find out that I have it and my friends and family would get rid of me so they don't git it.
So I didn't tell but everyday I constantly checked my body symptoms. Tried to be clean, tried to live although, it didn't go well because in the back of my mind I will die on a terrible disease. So when I started high school and we learned about all of that and treatment, I had a rapid hiv test at 16 & it was NEGATIVE and I thought to myself crap how can I get treatment if this stupid test shows that I don't have it.. so I had a cold & went to my doctor, and she did an office oral swab, negative and sent me to the lab for blood work it was an ELISA I believe that how its spelled anyway again NEGATIVE.
I cried and cried, how can I get treatment if the tests are wrong all the time.. to make a long story short, well I ended up broke down and I confessed everything to my psychiatrist.. and she was quiet... and calmly said, how sure are you he had AIDS? Do you know, some men will brainwash a child and have a child terrified out of telling, so they are able to get out of it? And I asked her "what do you mean?" and she explain to me how the test, would definitely come back 100 percent accurate after having it for quite some time now. And that telling me that, was a lie to keep me quiet, 4 tests later,I believed her.
I have 1 daughter who's almost 5 now. I don't have hiv or aids.. I still get tested every 3 months, and I still feel like every body function I feel is a sign of hiv cancer or something else going to end up dying on. 15 years later I still feel disgusting...
How can I help myself if psych can't help me??
>minimally edited for readability<