I am a fifteen year old gymnast. I have had body image and eating issues before and I suppose I am still dealing with them now.

(With keeping this brief in my mind... )
At my school there are many girls who are aspiring models and actresses so I am pretty much surrounded by the media's idealistic type of girls: tall, thin and "beautiful". This makes me very anxious, unconfident and often depressed about my own body. Being a gymnast, I have broad shoulders and thick legs. Unlike the other girls who have skinny limbs, flat stomachs and perfect faces, I have chubbier cheeks, bigger stomach and weigh a significant amount more. Two years ago was when my body issues really got the better of me, but initially I felt that if I skipped meals, it would be too obvious and someone would notice. So, I gradually cut down on what I was eating till I was practically eating a few bites of fish for lunch. However, with the demanding needs of gymnastics training, I often felt weak, tired and hungry. So, I started to binge, which lead to the desire to purge.

I am often called names at school, like "beast", and get teased by boys saying that I have larger muscles than them. This makes me feel very unfeminine and 'big'; also considering all my insecurities with the "model girls" at school and my pressures on food, this type of atmosphere makes the whole situation worse. Sometimes, my coach also teases me and the other gymnasts about our body images, saying that we aren't allowed to eat this and that. Sometimes I just find the whole pressure to look a certain way overwhelming and it really makes me frustrated and hate myself.

Ultimately, I always wonder: The two main things people tell you to consider with weight loss is exercise and food. I train gymnastics 6 days a week (after school) along with other sport commitments like soccer and athletics, so I feel that I do quite a lot in terms of exercise. So when I don't lose weight, I immediately resort to diet, making me overly-obsessed about calorie intake and what not. I really do not want to grow up with this fear of food and having to worry about what I eat all the time; sometimes I tell myself, if I want to eat it, just eat it and not worry about it. But I can't help it. I know this sounds very immature and silly but it's a feeling I cannot express and hopefully someone out there can sympathize or empathize with me.

I would just like to ask for any advice you can give me to lead a happier and healthier life.

PS. I enjoy gymnastics, I enjoy being with my teammates, the thrill and the sport. But sometimes the externalities like the bulky body image takes its toll on me. (and of course with all these skinny and "beautiful" girls walking around school, its not very helpful... )

Thank you for taking your time to read my question, I really do appreciate it.

Although I am old now, I remember very well the agony of body image when I was a teen. I'm not sure if it's worse now than then, but I think that many teens are meaner to each other than then.
I think your parents and your school have a responsibility here that I'm not hearing. A good coach would sit down with everyone to talk nutrition and weight control, just for starters, especially when a sports program is that intense. I don't blame you for being confused and yo-yo eating and dieting and even purging. I'm sure you know that your health is more important for your future as a gymnast than your practice. If you can't find someone to counsel you both emotionally and nutritionally, then I would suggest cutting back on sports, or at least stay with just one.
Last but not least - there are other factors at play here.
Your genetic code has a lot to do with your body type too. I'm short and broad, and was strong when younger, probably because of slightly higher testosterone than most girls, not because of athletics. I wasn't athletic at all. And think of different Olympic gymnasts over the decades: many of the Russian ones were tiny and scrawny looking, while American ones were bulkier. Olga Korbutt vs Mary Lou Retton, etc.
I had 2 roommates once who were in Olympic training. They lost 5 lbs each morning running up and down stadium steps, then came home and ate more than I ate in 3 days. I'm pretty sure they had tons of advice about what to eat. Not one bit of it was empty calories.
Anyway, what do your parents say? How involved are they? How much do they know?

First of all I applaud you for your writing skills. Rarely do we get a question from a 15 year old so eloquently stated. I agree with joypulv 100%. I would also suggest that you talk to your parents about this, or to your school counselor so that you may get some counseling to help you with this body image concern so that it does not get out of hand. Perhaps your counselor will suggest to the coach that he/she will be more aware and address this issue. There may be other girls battling this.
I wish you well.

To joypulv

Thank you so much for your answer.
Yes, I have told my parents so they are quite aware of the issue. They know about my concerns with calorie intake but encourage me to eat without worries. Previously, I often talked with my mother about this; however, this past year she has been dealing with more things from work. She often comes home and has to work some more and I can tell that she already has her plate full. I guess I just don't want to make her feel like she has to worry about me on top of her work so I have been filling her in less and less since last year. I do know that it is not good to keep this negativity to myself, so ultimately I came onto this website to ask for advice.

I really do want to lead a happier life and enjoy being a teenager; I am trying to be better. Thank you again for your words, they have been very helpful.

Thank YOU for answering back.
For some magical reason, the pettiness of high school cliques disappears the minute it's over. I suppose we can explain the intense need for identity of little gangs of cheerleaders, jocks, goths, nerds, and all sorts of others, and how it's half posturing and half putting the other groups down. It doesn't excuse how awful it has become. And that can be explained by lack of attention to it by parents, who 'have too much on their own plates' to do much parenting anymore, and expecting the schools to do it.
I'm not saying that you won't run into put downs after high school, but you are no longer in a fish bowl.
Good luck. If your coach is one of those coaches who just yells about weight and everything else, you need to find someone to tell, preferably with a few other students.