This is a very long story so I will try to make it as short as I can. I have been married for almost 4 years, but with the him for nearly 10. I can't help but wonder lately if I married the wrong man, or if something is wrong with me? Right after we got married we decided to start a family, so 9 1/2 months later we had our son.

Almost 2 years ago my hubby was in a bad car accident, which has left him unable to work, and in a lot of pain. His dissability is minimal, as in he can take care of himself etc... but enough to prevent him from doing many things he would like to do including playing with our son who is now about to turn 3. He has delt with depression, or at least admitted to having it, but little more. I in the ean time tried to take over as much as I could to make life easier for him because.

I soon learned that I had taken on too much and so asked for help. He now cleans the kitchen, pays the bills and takes the trash out. He does help with our son in the afternoons a bit, brings him to pre-school, one of the two days he has school, etc... He is a good daddy. He does his best to help out.

Last Oct. we had a long talk about how although I knew he loved me, I needed him to show it in the ways that mattered to me. I got him the husbands version of a book about understaning love languages, and the wife one for myself so that we could learn to better communicate and express our love in ways that mean the most. The plan was we would both read our books and discuse it. He promised to read it, as well as go to marriage counceling, and occasionaly to church. Now about 6 months later, he went to church twice, decided he didn't want to go any more, mornings are difficult for him, he gets nothing out of it etc... he joined me in counceling once, decided he didn't like the lady, didn't get anything out of it and didn't want to go anymore, And he has only read maybe 4 chapters of the book. We were also going to make Tuesday night our quality time night, where we would switch off every week, I would sit outside with him while he smoked and watch TV through the window, and then he would snuggle on the couch with me. He decided he didn't get anything out of sitting with me, decided it wasn't quality time, and that the definition of quality time did not apply to us because we spend almost 24/7 in the same house, (however that is mostly spent in different rooms or taking care of our son)
Now I am feeling right back were I was then. I don't feel like he is atracted to me any more, we have sex when he wants it maybe once a month, and the amount of passion in our sex has decreased, now almost gone for me. Once we get our son to bed he goes out side and I snuggle into the couch for some quiet time. He complains that I am messy and don't clean up as much as he would like, but I am spending that time taking care of our son while he sleep most of the day. My priorities are teaching him, playing with him etc... that is to say the place is not a pig sty though it deffinately looks like there are a few kids living here because he is so active and all over the place. I clean things that our son can help me with, putting away laundry is not one of them, cleaning grimey fingerprints off the wall is.
I am also a full time on line student getting a double BA in Applied Behavioral Science and Sociology, which takes up a lot of my non-mommy time. I have about 1 1/2 years to go before I'm done.
Any way, he makes very little effort to show me affection, give me compliments, no date nights because he doesn't want to ask his mother to help. I go to bed alone every nigh because he stays up all night,(his pain keeps him up) Almost always turns me down when I try to arouse him. I Know I gained a few pounds etc... after having our son,( my muscles didn't heal back togeather so this used to be size 3 me has a gut) but I don't even feel that he is atracted to me any more. I miss the man I fell in love with. I could go on and on, if you have questions I'll answer them, but what do I do? I do not have the financial means to leave him, nor a place to go.
I don't really want to leave, But I feel like I have a roommate (w/ occasional bennifits) that helps me take care of my son. I haven't talked to him this time around because I don't think he'll listen. I threatened to leave him 6 months ago, and though he promised, he failed to follow through. My friends who generally frown on marital disloyalty have said that they would be happy for me if I found someone on the side who made me feel loved, but all that does is confuse me more. I took my vows seriously. Am I selfish? I have a good life, I don't have to work, rent a nice place, have a great son, he's a good daddy, I am working towards mt career goals etc...
We are good friends, even still drinking budies from time to time. I know he loves me, but I don't think he is in love with me and I don't think that I am in love with him any more. Can we get back to where we were?

Marriage isn't something where you can delete the current circumstances, do a system restore, and end up at a place before all the problems happened.

What confuses me is just what is it exactly that you want. You mentioned a few times that you don't feel loved, and that you initiated the books, the schedule for cuddling, and the counselling. All the change seems to be expected, of him.

On the other end of the scale, in a practical way, he is a good father, he helps out with bills etc. and getting your child off to school. Considering as you said, that he is in a great deal of pain, he is making an effort isn't he?

It would be helpful to know what his prognosis is, for returning to work himself. Is this a permanent disability?

I'm just wondering if his needs, considering he is in constant pain, shouldn't be something that needs to be a priority right now. Is it possible to improve the relationship when he is disabled?