I am looking for some advice.

I have been a New Yorker for 6 years and have loved my experience here and all the city has to offer. I moved here from graduate school from the south and left all of my friends and family behind. After 6 years of city life, I am ready for a change. I have an upcoming job interview in California and am excited about the new possibilities and experiences. I have always dreamed of living on the West Coast and recently visited a friend and fell in love with the pace of life and climate. I feel that I have developed anxiety over the years of living in the city and want to get away from the crowds and stressful lifestyle.

A major struggle for me will be leaving behind my loving boyfriend and 3 year relationship. I love him to pieces. He is my best friend and my rock. He loves me more than anything and treats me like a queen. Unfortunately though, he is not willing to leave NYC. He is 4 years younger than me and is just beginning his career while I am more established in mine. I have been living in NYC 4 years longer than him and am ready to move on while he is just getting his feet wet here. He has told me he does not want to leave the city for at least 3 more years. He also has a career in city government and with time will likely be more established in NYC politics which may make it harder for him to leave.

Age has been an issue in our relationship but we have been working through it. I am 28 and he is 24. We have had discussions about the future and I have discovered that I would like to get married much earlier than him. I decided for myself rather than focusing on getting married I need to focus on being happy and things will happen when they are meant to. After a few talks, he verbalized that he never really thinks about the future and lives more in the moment. We have talked about long distance and will try to make it work if I do end up leaving. I fear that if I do not leave the city, I will be unhappy with my surrounding living environment and may form resentment toward him. Luckily he has been supportive of me through all this discussion and I can not be thankful enough for that.

I am looking for advice.. I have reached out to many friends and family members but would love to hear advice from anyone who happens to read this. I don't want to lose him but I want to be happy. I would not be leaving the city because of him; it would be for myself and my happiness, but at the same time I don't want to regret anything...

In a perfect world we would both move away together... and start our life together... but that doesn't seem to be what he wants :(

Advice please?

Nowadays, with Skype, low-cost or free long distance calling, email, IMing, and jet travel back and forth, I cannot imagine why you would hesitate to move. If he is meant to be in your life, he will be there. The alternative is to be miserable in NYC and then you two break up after all.

Nowadays, with Skype, low-cost or free long distance calling, email, IMing, and jet travel back and forth, I cannot imagine why you would hesitate to move. If he is meant to be in your life, he will be there. The alternative is to be miserable in NYC and then you two break up after all.

Thank you for your reply. Thank goodness for technology! I guess I am just worried that if I leave it will begin the process of a long goodbye. But you are right, if our relationship is meant to be then things will work out... I just have to believe that :)

Do what you have to do and let the chips fall where they may and have no regrets. We never know how things will work but making your best honest effort is what counts.

Nothing wrong with pursuing your dreams and happiness because he sure is. Bad timing now but who can say what's next? I say give what YOU want your best shot. You can always go back to NYC, or anywhere else you please if you don't find your happiness. Its obvious the relationship is great, but not the priority of either of you, nor should it be and that's okay too.

Thank you for your reply. Thank goodness for technology! I guess I am just worried that if I leave it will begin the process of a long goodbye. But you are right, if our relationship is meant to be then things will work out...I just have to believe that :)
When you visit him in NYC, you will have a new appreciation of the environs (knowing you don't have to live there), and he will visit you and be charmed (and captivated enough to move?) by the California climate et al.

When people ask for advice, their answer is often couched in the way they ask the question.
To my mind you have told us that you would rather move than not.
I have lived in both NYC and CA myself and liked them both very much. The idea of having a loving sympatico person back in NY while in CA sounds pretty darn good to me. Yes you might lose him by moving, but that can happen anyway.

PS: You wrote this very well!

When people ask for advice, their answer is often couched in the way they ask the question.
To my mind you have told us that you would rather move than not.
I have lived in both NYC and CA myself and liked them both very much. The idea of having a loving sympatico person back in NY while in CA sounds pretty darn good to me.

PS: You wrote this very well!

Thank you! I do want to move, I just wish I could bring him with me... but maybe some day I can. Regardless, the pieces will all fall into place one way or another.

I will know more after flying out for my job interview this week. Although costs of living are similar for both cities, I would be making a significantly higher salarly in California if I am selected for the job. I could also be living within walking distance of my job vs. a crowded hour subway commute each way. Huge plus to quality of life!

If you don't mind sharing, what are your thoughts on California vs. New York? Where in California did you live?


When you visit him in NYC, you will have a new appreciation of the environs (knowing you don't have to live there), and he will visit you and be charmed (and captivated enough to move?) by the California climate et al.

Very true. Hopefully he will be charmed and captivated enough to move!


Do what you have to do and let the chips fall where they may and have no regrets. We never know how things will work but making your best honest effort is what counts.

Nothing wrong with pursuing your dreams and happiness because he sure is. Bad timing now but who can say what's next? I say give what YOU want your best shot. You can always go back to NYC, or anywhere else you please if you don't find your happiness. Its obvious the relationship is great, but not the priority of either of you, nor should it be and that's okay too.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement. Much appreciated!

I lived in both places in the 60s. Not the same now! NYC - Sullivan St just below W Houston wasn't even the Village then, and I lived across the street from a social club with a bocce court next to it. Berkeley - Dwight Way right near Telegraph, in a little hippy house.

I would chose CA over NYC because of the weather in winter. As a New Englander most of my life, however, I have a fondness for the entire northeast, and still live here, 100 miles north of NYC. No longer a city person, I love the supreme quiet, greenery, animals, and slow pace.

I lived in both places in the 60s. Not the same now! NYC - Sullivan St just below W Houston wasn't even the Village then, and I lived across the street from a social club with a bocce court next to it. Berkeley - Dwight Way right near Telegraph, in a little hippy house.

I would chose CA over NYC because of the weather in winter. As a New Englander most of my life, however, I have a fondness for the entire northeast, and still live here, 100 miles north of NYC.

I can imagine both places have changed since then! And they are both great places... just have different things to offer. I am possibly moving to Santa Barbara which is beautiful but quite a bit smaller from NYC. I agree with your comment about the winter weather... although the sun is shining right now, it is still 40 degrees in April!