OK, I understand that when you see this it will look like a long story, but please please please take the time to read it, I can't express quite how much pain and distress I am experiencing, and I have no-one that fully understand how I feel, what mess I am in and most of all I just want to hear what people think to the situation as I have no-one around me to love me or give me any affection or MOST OF ALL ADVICE on this!

Please spend 10 or so minutes to try and understand the mess I am in! I cannot tell you how much it will mean to me

I will start by giving you my family background..
I am 18. I come from a caring and loving family, and my parents have always wanted to best for me. My sister has been the "perfect child" all her life and her and my mum are like best friends. I have always felt second best to her, and I find I often argue with my parents and I also feel I can not talk to them about anything at all. The like to have control over my life despite the fact I am 18, but because my sister had this also I think they expect me to follow, as they would say it is only fair. I know deep down the are probably only trying to protect me and want what it best for me, but we do not always see eye to eye.

I will know briefly explain the beginning of my problem..
My sister is 22 and has had a part time job in a clothes shop for 5 years. The guy involved in all this (I will call by a made up name "Joe") has also worked in the same shop for 5 years. Joe works in the shop full time, my sister only worked there part time, until recently as she has graduated, but cannot get a job and is now working there full time. 2 years ago I got a part time job there, and so all 3 of us still work there to this day.

To avoid confusion I will briefly mention Joe's background..
He has been bought up by his mum and step dad. He hardly speaks to his dad, but has a very good relationship with his mum (as my sister and my mum do.) I am not sure what has gone on over the years, but from what he has said I get the impression he has had a hard time, but he did say the other day that he has grown up now and knows how to handle situations.

At work..
Over the past 5 years there has been conflict between Joe and my sister. They do not see eye to eye. They have never been nasty to each other, but my sister does not agree with the way he acts and neither do many other members of staff. Unfortunately he has this "image" he likes to think of himself as hard. He has unfortuantely got him involved with smoking and also weed. His language is quite bad and he can come across as having a bad attitude. My sister has always repeated stories back over the years about the stuff he has got up to in work, so therefore my mother has judged him as a "bad" person.

When I started working there, I also saw this at first. Going back to last summer 2006, he got hold of my mobile number. At first I thought nothing of it. Then when I was away on holiday I got a text from him. I did text him back and every now and again he would text me. We started talking more in work (when I was in) and we found ourselves getting along well. The texts occurred more often, and soon I found myself in his little group of friends, we all started socialising outside of work by going to the cinema and out for meals or bowling etc.

Around the end of September 06 we had all been to the cinema. That night he text me and said he had had a really good night, and next time did we want to go alone. Although I had begun to see a different side to him, I was still under the influcne of the stuf I had previously heard about him from my sister and I freaked out basically. I didn't reply. He text the following day and said he felt hurt that I had just ignored it, and I knew I had really upset him, but he got the message that I didn't want to go. We carried out being friends and the texts started again. We carried on socialising and I was getting to know him more and more and more, and the more I got to know him the more I liked him and the more I completely saw a different side to him.

By the beginning of December 06, he was texting me everyday and had even started calling me "b" for babe. One night I was just nodding of to sleep, and he text me saying something along the lines of, "I am not really sure what is goin on between us, but I feel there is something more than friends, I know I feel this way towards you but I am not sure what you want!" Obviously again this freaked me out (as by now I really did feel something for him, but I had to tell myself I didn't as I knew my family would never let me date him.) Therefore I sent this text back saying "its just mates, im sorry if i gave you the wrong impression and i also rambled on about not wanting commitment!" (may I also just add at this point, I have never been in a relationship before, and I do agree that the idea does scare me a little even now!) Again I realised I had really hurt him, and I was dreading work the next day, it was awkward but we survived.

We didn't really speak much for 2 or 3 weeks after this, we spoke in work as friends and we socialised out side work a bit. Then out the blue one day it was close to Christmas he text me and said look I miss ou chats and laughs but please don't take it wrong I have accepted we are only mates, so baring that in mind I text him back. By Christmas day though we were texting a lot again, but I couldn't help myself as I did feel something for him.

We went out on New Years Eve, we had a great night and again the beginning of 2007 bought worried thoughts to my head that he was getting the wrong impression, but because of the way I felt for him I couldn't stop texting him and deep down I think I thought at the end of this we would always get together no matter what others thought.

I can't remember exactly what happened at the beginning of Feb but I think it was something he heard around work, as obviously I did not want this all getting out as everyone knows how gossip workplaces are. I think someone had suspected something and obviously I denied texting him. I think Joe found out and took it the wrong way. For a while he started texting my best mate who also works part time in the shop. I mean he didn't stop texting me, and the texts he sent my friend were completely innocent just like 2hi how are you? What you been up to? X x x" whereas mine always had more to them and always had more kisses. (I think this was probably to make me feel jealous and want him, rather than the usual him wanting me)

However it started getting serious between us again. I can't tell you how nice he is to me and well he respects and treats me, and our texts got more regular. He stopped textin my friend again and my texts were coming through first thing in the morning, on his lunch break in the evening and he would always send me a text before he went to bed.
Last week he invited me round to his, I said I could probably go but I knew this was the time that I had to tell my mum ALL.

So last week I chatted with my mum and told her how I felt. She was pleased I talked to her about it, but was upset that I wanted to get involved with him, as she disapproves of the things he does, and also the stories she's heard in the past. And OK I understand exactly where she is coming from. But she can't understand that I can see a different side to him, she thinks I have kidded myself to believe that, especially because everyone else in work sees his other side. She told me that I could not see him and she tried to tell me that I only enjoyed the attention and that I didn't really like him. She also told me I had to tell him straight away that nothing was ever going to happen.

Therefore that night I told him. BUt hw knew exactly that those words were not coming from my mouth, and he knows full well that it is to do with my family and sister. He took it really badly and I was petrified it was going to turn nasty. That's the last thing that has happened though.

We talked about it over the weekend, and he still feels that we have a chance together and he is not going to give up. We have both been in tears since I told him and we both feel hurt and upset. I told him that things had to change for good this time, and that the texts were to stop.

It actually slowly kills me inside to see the pain I am putting him through and the depth he is prepared to go to. He said he would quite the smoking and weed if it means he could go out with me. I also warned him though that it was the language and the way he spoke to other people in work.

The thing that is the most frustrating though is that part of it is his sense of humour, but a lot of people don't find it funny, and the image that he has to be hard. If he quit with that then people would see his true self and maybe we would have a future. BUt if he quit that then he would lose his mates as the smoking and weed is what he does with his lads mates and the bad language etc. People do not see him as hard, and deep down he really isn't, but he wants that image to fit in with his mates and its this that is causing the problem. (in my opinion)

PLEASE READ PART 2, it was too long to put it all together!

This is just continued, please finish reading it!


I know he has told his mum this and his mum said that if my parents are never going to give us the chance then he needs to get over it and move on, but he said he doesn't want to do that.

The thing is though, I told my mum he was going to chance but her exact words were "a leopard never changes its spots"

His friend said to me that Joe looks up to me the way I am and the way I am so mature and sensible for my age and he loves the way I am so caring and gentle and kind. I feel that I want to give him the chance as I reckon that he will only change if we were to settle and I do not mean seriously settle I mean if he was seeing me of evenings instead of his mates then he would not be getting the bad influences off them, as he would never smoke and take weed in front of me. However I do not think my mum would accept that. Although I have seen this is a mate of mine, she started seeing a lad that people disliked, but now they are settled he has changed dramatically and now has lots of mates and is a totally different person, he has chilled out and the difference is amazing, but I cannot hide the fact she went through hell at first, everyone was like why are you with him, he's horrible etc.
However one of the main points in this is that my sister and my mum are both trying to tell me that all Joe's ways are an ACT to get me. My mum was saying if I am the only one that can see him that way then it must be an act and that he is only trying to get me, possibly for sex, or because of appearance (without sounding big headed, as that was what my mother said).

But then I have questions circling my mind that I REALLY NEED HELP WITH..
Surely if he did just want me for sex or image then he wouldn't still be texting me 9/10 months down the line, after I had already rejected him several times and the fact that he has ever even kissed me let alione touched and done anything sexual with me in the past 10 months of us getting to know each other. The first bit of physical contact we had was this weekend when we hugged.

BUt as you are probably aware my mind is so confused, I just do not know what is best to do, and this is where I need your help and opinions.

I do think I really like him, as I wouldn't constantly think about him everyday all the time, I wouldn't wait for his texts and get upset if he doesn't text me, I wouldn't want to see him all the time and miss him when I don't see him and I don't think I would be this badly effected if I didn't feel something for him. BUt I do feel doubt but I am not sure if this is not related to influences from my parents and sister.

I really do hope a few of you have read this to the end, I understand its very long and possibly confusin, but please any help is appreicated as I have not only broken my heart but his and I just want to know what I should do.

Half of me wants to give him the chance, as we all learn from mistakes, but half of me thinks well what if it does go wrong and he treats me differently, what if he is trying to get me for sex.

Although I have left out this... throughout the past 3 or 4 months I have noticed the way he looks at me, he stares and tries to catch my eye and his pupils dilate when he sees me, his eyebrows flutter, his eyes light up, he smiles, he tries to get close to me, he will like squeeze my waist (genetly) he will stroke my hair and comment on my clothes, makeup hair etc. he always glances at my lips and then down my body and back to my eyes and he also jokes around with me in a friendly way and I have researches this and this is all signs to show how much someone's likes you, and when I see the way I have affected him this last time, it really hurts me to know I am truly a heartbreaker!

PLEASE HELP ME!

THANK YOU! Xx

It doesn't seem you are a heartbreaker, a heartbreaker is someone who goes out of there way to munipulate someone string them along then dump them, If you like him in that way and you think you do have feelings for him then maybe try dating him , but take it slow and keep your guard up, talk to him about what you don't like that he does,and be honest, as far as the acting hard and the bad language it seems like he needs to do some growing up, its probably a front because of his childhood

Thanks for getting back!

OK - if it is a front though because of his childhood, is he ever going to grow out of that?

Depends on the person on how long it will take, but he will in time

As a rule it is better to trust others opinion because it's hard to be objective about someone when your involved. Love is blind, and your to close to him to see everything clearly. Which is why you're so confused.

Anyone would enjoy all that attention, especially when you didn't get it from your parents it is very new and exciting.

If you get with him it will cause problems with your family and maybe friends. Is he worth that? You should always put family first, they love you and aren't playing games with your heart.

I know he has been pursuing you for a long time and that is why you feel he is genuine. The fact is that men enjoy the chase more than the relationship. As a guy I know firsthand, as a girl you might not understand.

You have made some very mature observations for someone that hasn't been in a relationship before. I would recommend finding someone who steals your heart away. He might make you happy but you have doubts. Having this many problems before the relationship evens start is just asking for heartache.

If it is too hard to be friends tell him you need more space. Protect your heart, once you give it away you might not get it back.

God Bless