I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years. Recently we discovered that he has been intimate with one of my good friends fourteen years ago, before I knew him. They were co-workers and he says that they were intimate twice. Prior to the "discovery", I had only referred to her by her first name. It wasn't until I mentioned that she once worked at a company that he worked for, that he asked her full name. I haven't said anything to my friend about it. She only knows him as my "boyfriend".

She has since (14 yrs ago) married and had two children and is currently going through a divorce. She is a close friend of mine, but during my relationship she was so busy being a wife and mother that we didn't speak much so she has no idea who I am with. My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage and I always wanted her in my wedding (I was in hers). Now I am not sure how to approach this.

Do I speak to her about this: ask or just tell her my boyfriend's name and see if she volunteers any info. Or do I leave it alone. Am I opening up a can of worms if I bring it up. I'm confused. Please help.

One would hope the straight honest approach would work, but I have to ask why would you want info about what happened between them 14 years ago?

What's your boyfriends position in all this? Have you talked to him?

One would hope the straight honest approach would work, but I have to ask why would you want info about what happened between them 14 years ago?

Whats your boyfriends position in all this? Have you talked to him?

He says it is up to me and that he is fine with any way that I want to approach it. It's not so much about what happened, it's just a bit uncomfortable. I was just wondering if it is something that is worth even bringing up to her. I mean, they are going to be in the same space at least once... at my wedding.

Then talk to her, and see if she is comfortable with it.

Then talk to her, and see if she is comfortable with it.

Should I tell her everything that he told me or just tell her his full (since they worked together and see if she volunteers info) I realize she may be as uncomfortable as I am.

Why is that even important? Leave the past in the past. What difference would it make?

Why is that even important? Leave the past in the past. What difference would it make?

It wouldn't change anything as far as I'm concerned. I was just thinking about when we are all in the same place, wouldn't want her to be caught off guard or for any of us to feel awkward. I don't know her side of the story or how she views him or their fling, but as I said it wouldn't make a difference.
I really appreciate your advice by the way. Thanks.

I don't think I would let my friend walk into a situation where she would be shocked, or feel awkward. Give her the facts about what she is in for at your wedding, you are marrying her ex, and let her have time to decide how to handle it. The more time the better.

That would be fair without the details of what happened. Even if she sees it differently than your boyfriend did. Or has forgotten most of what he remembers.

Your friend moved on long time back, you should also do the same. Both of you get married and invite her, tell her the facts. She will understand it for sure , don't do it on wedding day. Call her and talk friendly, its up to her to come or not.

Your friend moved on long time back, you should also do the same. both of you get married and invite her, tell her the facts. she will understand it for sure , don't do it on wedding day. call her and talk friendly, its up to her to come or not.

Thanks. I appreciate your advice. I was on the fence on whether I should say anything at all but they will both be present, in the same place eventually... so it's inevitable. If she never says anything about it, should I feel some kind of way?

I said leave it on her, your responsibility as a good friend is to tell her facts and invite her. Keep your behaviour normal and tell same to your boyfriend. Let your friend decide how to react or even not to react. One more thing, don't discuss your boyfriends view with her, just informed her that you are getting married to whom you love and the one who loves you. If she chooses to stay silent then you should remain the same.best wishes.

I said leave it on her, ur responsibility as a good friend is to tell her facts and invite her. Keep ur behaviour normal and tell same to ur boyfriend. Let ur friend decide how to react or even not to react. One more thing, don't discuss ur boyfriends view with her, just informed her that you r getting married to whom you love and the one who loves you. If she chooses to stay silent then you should remain the same.best wishes.

Thank you!

I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years. Recently we discovered that he has been intimate with one of my good friends fourteen years ago, before I knew him. They were co-workers and he says that they were intimate twice. Prior to the "discovery", I had only referred to her by her first name. It wasn't until I mentioned that she once worked at a company that he worked for, that he asked her full name. I haven't said anything to my friend about it. She only knows him as my "boyfriend".

She has since (14 yrs ago) married and had two children and is currently going through a divorce. She is a close friend of mine, but during my relationship she was so busy being a wife and mother that we didn't speak much so she has no idea who I am with. My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage and I always wanted her in my wedding (I was in hers). Now I am not sure how to approach this.

Do I speak to her about this: ask or just tell her my boyfriend's name and see if she volunteers any info. Or do I leave it alone. Am I opening up a can of worms if I bring it up. I'm confused. Please help.

Why are you reposting the same question again? Has nothing changed?

She's married, has children, it was 14 years ago, she will recognize his name on the wedding invitation, and will have at least six weeks to mention anything to you before the wedding. If she doesn't say anything and shows up at the wedding and reception, no big deal. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

If she is your good friend, why doesn't she know your fiance's last name?

Why are you reposting the same question again? Has nothing changed?

I wanted more insight. I casually mentioned my boyfriend's name to my friend as I was ending a conversation with her. (I mentioned that he worked at the same company that she did but that was a while ago) She did not say anything about him so I didn't pry. I think I will leave it alone but I was curious if anyone else might have any new opinions regarding my situation.

I wanted more insight. I casually mentioned my boyfriend's name to my friend as I was ending a convo with her. (I mentioned that he worked at the same company that she did but that was a while ago) She did not say anything about him so I didn't pry. I think I will leave it alone but I was curious if anyone else might have any new opinions regarding my situation.
No more insight is needed. It was years ago and it over and her life has moved along elsewhere. Leave it alone!!

Since she is going through a divorce, are you now feeling insecure that she will seek him out again?

She's married, has children, it was 14 years ago, she will recognize his name on the wedding invitation, and will have at least six weeks to mention anything to you before the wedding. If she doesn't say anything and shows up at the wedding and reception, no big deal. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

If she is your good friend, why doesn't she know your fiance's last name?

Thanks.
Time and circumstances (her being married and very busy) put distance between us. These days we speak much more. I actually had mentioned his name to her a while back, but I don't think she made the correlation. The fact that they worked at the same company may ring bells.


No more insight is needed. It was years ago and it over and her life has moved along elsewhere. Leave it alone!!!!!!!!!!!

Since she is going through a divorce, are you now feeling insecure that she will seek him out again?

No, I am not concerned about her seeking him.
I was wondering if we were ever in a situation where the three of us were present (including my wedding), if there would be any awkwardness. Would she feel blind sighted?

No, I am not concerned about her seeking him.
I was wondering if we were ever in a situation where the three of us were present (including my wedding), if there would be any awkwardness. Would she feel blind sighted?
It's blindsided, not blind sighted. No, but it seems like YOU would feel awkward, since you seem to be obsessing over this bit of nothingness in your fiance's past. Are you going to be able to continue to be her friend?

It's blindsided, not blind sighted. No, but it seems like YOU would feel awkward, since you seem to be obsessing over this bit of nothingness in your fiance's past. Are you going to be able to continue to be her friend?

Yes, I am still her friend. I have no issues with her. And to be honest it is a bit awkward but nothing that I can not deal with. I just was not sure how should handle it.

Yes, I am still her friend. I have no issues with her. And to be honest it is a bit awkward but nothing that I can not deal with. I just was not sure how should handle it.
If for some reason she has not learned your fiance's name yet, she will read it on the wedding invitation. She may or may not mention the past romp to you after that. I'm guessing she will not go into a heartfelt confession. Fourteen years ago!!

If for some reason she has not learned your fiance's name yet, she will read it on the wedding invitation. She may or may not mention the past romp to you after that. I'm guessing she will not go into a heartfelt confession. Fourteen years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Knowing her since we were very young... the type of person that she is, she may say something. The kind of people that we are (our personalities are very similar) we usually see things of this magnitude as something worthy of being discussed on some level. Though it was long ago, it still holds some relevance. It may not be of huge relevance but it is of some nonetheless.

Knowing her since we were very young....the type of person that she is, she may say something. The kind of people that we are (our personalities are very similar) we usually see things of this magnitude as something worthy of being discussed on some level. Though it was long ago, it still holds some relevance. It may not be of huge relevance but it is of some nonetheless.
Yet she has no idea of your future groom's last name??

And if she "says something," so what? She won't have much to say, methinks.

Yet she has no idea of your future groom's last name???????????

She does.

She does.
So what is your problem with this? If she was going to say something, she would have said it by now.

So what is your problem with this? If she was going to say something, she would have said it by now.

I mentioned that she is going through a divorce. She has been extremely stressed dealing with that amongst other personal things so she has a lot on her mind. I mentioned his name casually as I ended a conversation with her recently. I am still not sure if she picked up on it. Her mind has been all over the place. My whole position on this was I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable-including myself and am unsure how to approach it. Sometimes it helps to get other people's perspectives on things.

I mentioned that she is going through a divorce. She has been extremely stressed dealing with that amongst other personal things so she has a lot on her mind. I mentioned his name casually as I ended a conversation with her recently. I am still not sure if she picked up on it. Her mind has been all over the place. My whole position on this was I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable-including myself and am unsure how to approach it. Sometimes it helps to get other people's perspectives on things.
My suggestion is to let this die a quiet death. It was years ago and it doesn't seem to be a concern, or will be a concern, for her. Why stir up trouble when none is there to be stirred up? What about all the women he slept with after her?

My suggestion is to let this die a quiet death. It was years ago and it doesn't seem to be a concern, or will be a concern, for her. Why stir up trouble when none is there to be stirred up? What about all the women he slept with after her?

When my boyfriend and I connected the dots, we were both unsure how to approach this. The thing is that they are both in my life and may at some point have to coexist in the same space. I don't want any of the three of us to feel uneasy.
The difference between her and anyone he has dealt with afterward is that she is a dear friend of mine. She is in my life. We all have pasts but when our pasts overlap, so to speak, it becomes a little weird.

The reason there was absolutely no concern was because it was unknown to all parties involved. Now that it is definitely known to two people involved, I wondered if it was fair or at all necessary for the third person in the equation to be given a heads up.

When my boyfriend and I connected the dots, we were both unsure how to approach this. The thing is that they are both in my life and may at some point have to coexist in the same space. I don't want any of the three of us to feel uneasy.
The difference between her and anyone he has dealt with afterward is that she is a dear friend of mine. She is in my life. We all have pasts but when our pasts overlap, so to speak, it becomes a little weird.
You seem to be the one making this weird. You seem to be the one who will be uneasy. You approach it this way: drop it and stop making a mountain out of a molehill.

You seem to be the one making this weird. You seem to be the one who will be uneasy. You approach it this way: drop it and stop making a mountain out of a molehill.

Actually my boyfriend and family are concerned as well.

Actually my boyfriend and family are concerned as well.
Concerned about what? That she is going to make a scene? Throw things? Scream and cry in hysterics for getting dumped by your groom 14 years ago? Smash the wedding cake?

Concerned about what? That she is going to make a scene? Throw things? Scream and cry in hysterics for getting dumped by your groom 14 years ago? Smash the wedding cake?

Concerned about my feelings, the friendship and tension.

Concerned about my feelings, the friendship and tension.
There's tension?

Your feelings? About what? That he will look at her on your wedding day and jilt you?

Often the fear is worse than the event. Adults deal with awkward moments that happen all the time without going crazy, or irrational. A long time friend would have just come straight out with it instead of beating around the bush though.

Is all the drama and family intrigue necessary?

Is all the drama and family intrigue necessary?
This thread makes me feel like I am back in junior high school again.

I do not see a problem.

Often the fear is worse than the event. Adults deal with awkward moments that happen all the time without going crazy, or irrational. A long time friend would have just come straight out with it instead of beating around the bush though.

Is all the drama and family intrigue necessary?

When people truly care about you, your happiness and comfort is their desire. No one is going crazy. No one has deemed this circumstance drama either. As a matter of fact, the response was quite the contrary.
It is a situation that I was unsure of how to handle because I have never dealt with anything close to this type of situation before... nor has anyone close to me. I was just curious as to how another would deal with this.Though your advice and opinion is very different from all of the others I received, I realize that each individual's lifestyles shape their opinions. Your time, energy and dedication to me and my situation is appreciated.


This thread makes me feel like I am back in junior high school again.

I do not see a problem.

The junior high school feeling... finally we agree. Lol
Glad you were allowed to feel youthful again.
As for me, if I saw no problem with something, I would not put fort such effort to respond but to each his own. I appreciate it.

As for me, if I saw no problem with something, I would not put fort such effort to respond but to each his own. I appreciate it.
I'm not the one prolonging this. I almost closed the thread a page or two ago.

Again, I believe you see a problem where none exists.

I'm not the one prolonging this. I almost closed the thread a page or two ago.

Again, I believe you see a problem where none exists.

Everybody knows that almost doesn't count. Thank you again to catering to me and my not problem but situation.

Have you gained any helpful insights as to what way you will handle this?

Have you gained any helpful insights as to what way you will handle this?

Yes, I have. Thank you.

I guess you and your boyfriend are still not ready to get married. And if you guys have full faith in each other then... there is no place for past or a third person. No matter how good friend she is to you, your future husband is the real important person in your life. Same applies to your boyfriend. So guys instead thinking about other things, focus on your wedding. Are you seeing a marriage, a relationship, future together? Or are you out of focus.

I guess you and your boyfriend are still not ready to get married. and if you guys have full faith in each other then .....there is no place for past or a third person. No matter how good friend she is to you, your future husband is the real important person in your life. same applies to your boyfriend. so guys instead thinking about other things, focus on your wedding. are you seeing a marriage, a relationship, future together? or are you out of focus.

This is something that came up and is an experience that neither of us has ever dealt with. We both are priorities to one another. That was never the issue. Us thinking about a situation that affects both of us doesn't in any way detract from our future together. It is simply something that came up and was a bit of a shock to us. So your guess was incorrect. We are ready to get married. Your guesses and opinions aren't invalid, however, they aren't fact either. They are simply... your own. I understand that people can not fully understand any situation from the outside looking in and especially when they don't know any of the persons involved. I do appreciate you taking time out to give me your take on things.