My wife and I are both in our first time same sex relationship. We have had deep issues because of my insecurities, jealousy and accusations. She says that she isn't gay and just fell in love with me but if we ever end she will never date another women because of all the emotional issues.

Its just weird because she is completely butch and I'm very femme. However I have embraced this lifestyle, love it and can say I will never go back. I worry constantly that eventually she will leave me for a man because of this even though I can't see her being with a man. Although when her and I met she was with her children's father of 10 years which she said felt more like a frienship.

Any experiences like this?

krissy444 (1 Posts) Asked Today, 12:57 AM

My wife and I are both in our first time same sex relationship, we have had dewp issues because of my insecurities, jealousy and accusations, she says that she isnt gay and just fell in love with me but if we ever end she will never date another women because of all the emotional issues, its just weird because she is completely butch and Im very femme however I have embraced this lifestyle, love it and can say I will never go back, I worry constantly that eventually she will leave me for a man because of this even though I canr see her being with a man although when her and I met she was with her childrens father of 10 years which she said felt more like a frienship... any experiences like this?

How long have you been together? Was she still in a relationship with her ex when you began dating? If not, how long after they broke up did the relationship begin? How long into the relationship did you wed?

You seem to understand that you have issues. Are you taking responsibility for your insecurities and working through them? Other than being honest about what she thinks she would do if you weren't together, has she given you any reason to doubt her fidelity and love? How have you behaved in past relationships? Do you have a habit of comparing relationships?

She isn't you. She is going to have her own feelings about her sexuality. She may not be gay. She may be bi. What you have together may be very special and once in a lifetime for her. Does it matter if she doesn't define herself as 'gay'? A word isn't going to keep her with you if she decides to walk away. But fighting over a word can drive her away if she gets tired of dealing with it.

Talking about what she might do in the future if you aren't a couple is not the same as making plans to leave you. However, I think she may be giving you a hint that she is tired of the emotional baggage piling up and tripping over it.

Two things that caught my attention:
1. You call her your wife, but you don't mention love except to say she fell in love with you and you 'love' the lifestyle. Do you love her or is she a part of the lifestyle you are embracing?

2. If she cheated on her ex and then left him to be with you (doesn't matter if she felt like they were just friends, it matters if she didn't have a clean break from him before starting a new relationship), are you concerned she will repeat the behavior and leave you?

She cannot make you feel secure in the relationship. You have to find and nurture security and confidence in yourself. You have to accept that she is in love with you and you are together. Put some of the energy of embracing the lifestyle into believing in and embracing your relationship.

We have been together a little over 2 years and married since 6/30/12, her and I started talking while we were both in our prior relationships but was both honest with our men about it and left them for each other, also she lied to me about someone from her past who was a close family friend and was around a lot and I found out she had a long term affair with this person so between the lie and knowing she had done that Im terrified she will do it to me and for the first time in my life I am sincerely in love and grieve daily over knowing it won't last, she is a wonderful partner and since the lie about her past has always been honest and never give me a reason to doubt her but I'm always feeling like she's in love with someone else or feeling she's cheating on the phone and never fibd a thing, I have severe abandonment issues and I am working hard on this so she can stop having to prove herself before I push her away, she has only been with 2 men her whole life but I feel because she isn't gay I can't please her sexually and it will lead her back...

We have been together a little over 2 years and married since 6/30/12, her and I started talking while we were both in our prior relationships but was both honest with our men about it and left them for each other, also she lied to me about someone from her past who was a close family friend and was around alot and I found out she had a long term affair with this person so between the lie and knowing she had done that Im terrified she will do it to me and for the first time in my life I am sincerely in love and grieve daily over knowing it wont last, she is a wonderful partner and since the lie about her past has always been honest and never give me a reason to doubt her but im always feeling like she's in love with someone else or feeling shes cheating on the phone and never fibd a thing, I have severe abandonment issues and i am working hard on this so she can stop having to prove herself before I push her away, she has only been with 2 men her whole life but i feel because she isnt gay I can't please her sexually and it will lead her back...

She cannot prove to you that she will always be there. She cannot guarantee she won't become sick, injured, or die. She cannot take responsibility for making you feel more secure because it will wear her down emotionally, mentally and physically. It will cause damage to her self-confidence because she can't be enough for you. She can't slay the demons haunting you. She can't protect you from yourself.

You should not expect her to fight your battles for you until you think you can fight them.

If she has been with you for two years and felt confident enough in the relationship to marry you, then she has been giving you what support she can. What more do you expect her to do?

You are grieving over something that hasn't happened. She is with you. She hasn't left you. She hasn't died. You are both alive and together. Let yourself celebrate life. Enjoy being together and building a relationship instead looking for cracks you can use to tear it apart.

Something for you to think about: You are insecure, scared, and looking for reasons for the relationship to fail. If she were labeling herself as gay, you would find something else to focus on such as a female friend she mentioned over dinner or you can't agree on what color the towels should be (little things sometimes seem much bigger when looking for excuses), because you believe the relationship is doomed. You are looking for anything that supports your foretelling of the future. A 'self-fulfilling prophecy' is one that the soothsayer makes happen.

How are you getting help for your abandonment issues? Are you trying to do it on your own or with professional help?

Why did you marry her?

She cannot prove to you that she will always be there. She cannot guarantee she won't become sick, injured, or die. She cannot take responsibility for making you feel more secure because it will wear her down emotionally, mentally and physically. It will cause damage to her self-confidence because she can't be enough for you. She can't slay the demons haunting you. She can't protect you from yourself.

You should not expect her to fight your battles for you until you think you can fight them.

If she has been with you for two years and felt confident enough in the relationship to marry you, then she has been giving you what support she can. What more do you expect her to do?

You are grieving over something that hasn't happened. She is with you. She hasn't left you. She hasn't died. You are both alive and together. Let yourself celebrate life. Enjoy being together and building a relationship instead looking for cracks you can use to tear it apart.

Something for you to think about: You are insecure, scared, and looking for reasons for the relationship to fail. If she were labeling herself as gay, you would find something else to focus on such as a female friend she mentioned over dinner or you can't agree on what color the towels should be (little things sometimes seem much bigger when looking for excuses), because you believe the relationship is doomed. You are looking for anything that supports your foretelling of the future. A 'self-fulfilling prophecy' is one that the soothsayer makes happen.

How are you getting help for your abandonment issues? Are you trying to do it on your own or with professional help?

Why did you marry her?


I married her because I am in love with her, because with out a doubt I know she is the person I want to spend my whole life, I know it's a very complicated story, I didn't mention we both have 2 kids and so in a matter of just a few years ( have known each other about 7) we combined families, married exc so a big part has been the contact she has to have with the kids father, in my mind I know this is wrong and not real but its like I can't control the worry or fear or accusing, we spend just about all of our time together and her and my children are the only real people connections I have, and she also called the wedding off at first because of influence from a sister she says, I am working on this myself simply because I haven't had luck connecting with a counselor and its hard to make the appointmens with my work schedule and I can't find online or phone counseling that accepts insurance, I have been using cognitive behavior apps on my phone and using some mindfulness meditation, I have constantly tried to reassure myself by asking others do you think she really loves me, do you think she would ever cheat and no matter how many times I get the right answer its never enough... thanks for your help its been insightful and gives me hope

One of the things you risk when you enter ANY long term relationship is the other person eventually leaving. No matter how good or how loving the relationship is there is always a possibility that you will part ways at some point. A lot of relationships, from acquaintances to lovers and long term mates, have a best before point. You already know this though. You've had friends come into your life and leave. The time they were there it was awesome and there came a point where you part ways. Sometimes it is explosive and sometimes you just drift apart.

The thing is, there isn't a good god damn thing you can do about it. It is worse though if you can't accept this. What that cause is fear, and that fear brings jealously, and that could lead you to second guessing, and you'll drive the person away. It is kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So it will be your issues, if left undealt with, that will ultimately drive her away from you. Why are you insecure? Are you afraid that you're not good enough for your mate? She's still with you and she married you. She must be happy with you. You married her, you must be happy with her. The problem is that you've found yourself faulty. You got this subconscious vibe that she's not happy with you and when she realizes that she'll leave. So instead of basking in the wondrous relationship you've built up with this woman you're tearing at it's foundations.

I am being a little dramatic but trying to drill in a point. She's there. You're checking out. Quit being so self-absorbed and check back in.

The lying issue. We lie to the ones we love because we can't bear to lessen their opinion of us. They're the most important person in the world to us and it hurts us deeply to see that look of hurt and pain in their eyes. So we lie, often white lies but some doozies. What does it matter who or how many she was with before hand. It is a trivial thing.

I think the best thing for you is to visit a counsellor. You've got issues you really need dealt with that have nothing to do with your orientation. Once you've got yourself dealt with, you need to deal with your issues as a couple. This will be a partner sessions with said counsellor.

You've got to deal with your issues or they'll continue to pop up and have a negative impact on your life. Please for the love of john, paul, george, and ringo, do this; for your sanity and your partners.

we spend just about all of our time together and her and my children are the only real people connections I have,

This is a huge red flag. You need some time for yourself with other adults. Do you have any other friends you could spend some time with? Even if it is lunch every so often?

Face to face counseling would be your best option. Short of that, building up your self-confidence would go a long way to helping you learn to handle your feelings.

What do you do for relaxation? You both need time apart from each other and the day-to-day stresses to vent and re-energize. You should not be each other's sole source of support or entertainment.

Do the two of you ever have time for just yourselves? Hire a babysitter and have a night out?

Often past failures of relationships/marriages leave us fearful of the next one, and we go over board trying too hard to make things perfect. In truth you have never given yourselves a proper healing from the past experiences, nor let yourselves become happy and healthy before getting deep into a new relationship.

While I can understand you wanting this to work together, you have done little to get yourself under control before you got with your new wife. The others are right,you do need professsional guidance to understand where your fear comes from and learn to control those impulses that fear and confusion can cause.

While you wait for that counseling, THINK twice before you ACT, or SPEAK, and get a life that you enjoy without your mate, so you can relax and appreciate the time you are spending NOW with each other. Practice this until it becomes natural, to get yourself under control, so you can cope with your life in a cool, calm, collected manner.

Start right NOW. Put the past behind you and look forward and be grateful for what you have now, and not what was lost before, or it will happen again.

Often past failures of relationships/marriages leave us fearful of the next one, and we go over board trying to hard to to make things perfect. In truth you have never given yourselves a proper healing from the past experiences, nor let yourselves become happy and healthy before getting deep into a new relationship.

While I can understand you wanting this to work together, you have done little to get yourself under control before you got with your new wife. The others are right,you do need professsional guidance to understand where your fear comes from and learn to control those impulses that fear and confusion can cause.

While you wait for that counseling, THINK twice before you ACT, or SPEAK, and get a life that you enjoy without your mate, so you can relax and appreciate the time you are spending NOW with each other. Practice this until it becomes natural, to get yourself under control, so you can cope with your life in a cool, calm, collected manner.

Start right NOW.



Thank you all so much for your help and guidance, sometimes it can simply help save a lost soul like my own!