Hello all, and be warned that this post is rather lengthy. (apologies).

A year ago, I never ever ever thought I'd be the guy madly in love counting down days to a 2 month anniversary. I am very young, and possibly blind but I believe, and my girlfriend believes that we're both madly in love with each other. We talk about the future (like we even have a clue (she's 18, I'm 17)) and how many kids we'll have, what their names will be, and how we will be happy living in a cardboard box knowing we'll cuddle with each other that night and morning.

Sadly, I suffer from a slight depression/anger concoction sprung from my girlfriend's (in my opinion awful) past. She's a stand up christian, in a home with 1 sister, and both parents, all Christians. This information irks me because she lost her virginity to a guy (who was 19) at the age of 13. We talked about it, and how the guy really screwed with her head, and I feel selfish saying it but I'm not here for her. I used to get these AWFUL, PAINFUL, heart wrenching, and angering visions of what happened the day she lost her virginity.

I only knew the gist of it because it was painful for her to talk about, and she spared the details, but my brain wasn't so nice. I knew that the guy faked a note to get off the bus with her (highschoolers and middle schoolers rode the same bus in her district) and that she cried the entire time, she bled, and it hurt... and he finished on her face. (she admitted she thought she loved him, but she now knows she was 13 and only in love with the idea of being in love)

Soon after she lost it, a few days or so, the guy was distant, wouldn't talk to her, or sit with her on the bus anymore till they drifted apart. This caused her a great deal of emotional stress, and mental uncertainty about love/life in general. That's all I knew (until today). About that date.

About a week ago, I started getting visions, mental movies if you will, of what happened that day. My brain was cruel to me. It implemented gruesome, unforgiving details about the day it happened, that I can almost guarantee aren't even true. The visions filled me with agony, and depression. I more than anything in the world wished to be her first, but sadly this guy was. I see her taking off his clothes the same way we do each other. I see her making the same faces, and making the same noises she makes when I kiss her neck, only it's him. I can see her face, covered in this guy's seed, mixing with her tears, and I feel like she's been tainted. I feel like she's dirty forever, and defiled. I know she's not, I know she knows it's a mistake and wishes she could take it back, but I couldn't stop playing this painful movie over and over again in my head.

I didn't sleep for 2 days. I tried writing it down, to get it out of me, but it only made things worse. I tried burning that writing today to make it "gone forever", but no help. We talked about it, held each other and cried together, and she's so sorry for what she's done. I told her that it seemed like she'd been defiled, and she couldn't stop crying about it, and begging me not to see her that way. I never touched her, or saw her and thought she was defiled, but when I'm alone, and I think about it, she seems dirty, and poisoned sometimes.

Today I showed her my writings (before we burned them together) of what I envisioned happening that day. I begged her to tell me exactly what happened that day, tell me where it was, did you enjoy it, did he leave immediately, everything about it so my brain could have closure, and stop torturing me. This helped and worsened at the same time. While I did find out some of the cruel details I imagined weren't true (thank god), I found out about some that I didn't think of. When he came on her face, some was on her lip, and he instructed her to lick her lips to be sexy. She did so, and instead of spitting it out, she swallowed it. By her own choice she swallowed it.

I always thought that he was this awful person who viciously took her virginity, and left her, giving her life-long trauma, and pain. When she told me what really happened, in great detail (which was also very painful and depressing. Hearing her talk about another man "inside of her" made me force back tears) she made him out to be nice. She told me she got undressed, and he got on top of her. I'll omit the next part because it's a very fresh wound to me, and I don't want to type it but it was sexual intercourse. She told me he said he would take care of her. She told me about him getting a rag to wipe the seed from her face, and kissing her afterwards.

Normally this would make me happy, that her past wasn't as bad as I thought, it was a dumb teenager TRYING to be a gentleman (even though she was 13) but it didn't. I was even more depressed, and hurt by the idea of another man being caring, and gentle toward her. One night when we were drunk, she told me his last name. (this was a big deal because I've practiced mixed martial arts for four years, and she was afraid I would hurt the guy if I knew him) and it turns out I knew him. I was quite fond of him ALL of last year to be exact. I hated him then because of his demeanor towards everything, his awful attitude, and his low amount of respect for everything. He lives 30 seconds from my house.

When she told me I jumped up because I knew him and she begged me not to say anything, and I haven't yet. Before she told me all the details earlier today, we were having sex, and she stopped "enjoying" it per say, and she got off me, looked me in the eye with pain, tear filled eyes and told me she wasn't defiled. Her head fell on my chest and we cried together for the next hour, and she said she was so sorry, this was never supposed to be my burden, I'm so good to her and I don't deserve this. She cried on my chest, and told me she was afraid that I thought that every time I touched her, or saw her. (which I didn't I had only thought of it that way alone at times) While we were crying, I became beyond infuriated, and wanted more than anything to give this guy what he deserves. (Thank you to all who have read this far)

I suppose the reason for my registration, and thread were to have these answers.
A. How do I deal with her awful past without becoming depressed?
B. How do I get these terrible images of her licking another mans seed off her lips, and consciously choosing to swallow it out of my head?
C. How can I let her know that I never have, and never will see her as tainted or defiled after I basically told her I thought of her that way when I'm alone sometimes (which probably makes me the worst person ever)?
D. What should I do about the guy who has caused me, and the love of my life a great deal of emotional pain, when all I WANT to do is beat him nearly to death and finish on his face to see if he likes it more than her?
E. How do I keep this pain from being a barrier from loving her unconditionally?

You do realize she was raped, right?

@Wondergirl She wasn't raped? Why do you say this?


You do realize she was raped, right?

She wasn't Raped? Why do You say this?

She was a minor and was coerced into having sex, "the guy really screwed with her head." Even if she "agreed," she was a minor. That's called rape.

@Wondergirl She wasn't raped? Why do you say this?

A 13 year old was raped by an adult. What part of his don't you understand? You are a very cruel person to blame her for this RAPE!

She was a minor and was coerced into having sex, "the guy really screwed with her head." Even if she "agreed," she was a minor. That's called rape.

Well yes, I realize it was statutory rape, I thought you meant rape in raw form. But what does it have to do with anything? That's a technicality.I just want help on what to do. I love her and want a future with her.

Rape is rape. She was raped.

A 13 year old was raped by an adult. What part of his don't you understand? You are a very cruel person to blame her for this RAPE!

I don't blame her entirely, though she did willingly have sex with him, and again, yes it was statutory rape, but that really has nothing to do with my problems. I want help not politics


Rape is rape. She was raped.

Ok thank you for you're extremely helpful advice. Move to the next post please.

She was raped, and you are forcing her to relive it with the questions you ask her and then blaming her for it. It's not politics. It is legal rape.

I don't blame her entirely, though she did willingly have sex with him, and again, yes it was statutory rape, but that really has nothing to do with my problems. i want help not politics
That's the reason you are having so much trouble with this... you blame her. Get some help from a counselor, or a psychologist. Stop putting the blame on a 13 year old. She was raped by an adult.

She was raped, and you are forcing her to relive it with the questions you ask her and then blaming her for it. It's not politics. It is legal rape.

I know. She tells me She's moved on and is okay with it now, and I should be too. But how am I supposed to live the rest of my life with her with these terrible images in my head.


That's the reason you are having so much trouble with this...you blame her. Get some help from a counselor, or a psychologist. Stop putting the blame on a 13 year old. She was raped by an adult.

OK again, I understand she was raped, it doesn't mean she didn't willingly decide to do it. And AGAIN it doesn't have anything at all to do with the "help" I'm asking for. And you guys are my counselor for now. The only other perso I can blame is him, and I can't go beat him because it would upset her.

Like teacherjenn said, get some help from a counselor or psychologist. And stop making her replay this for you.

She was a minor. Minors have no will, legally or morally.

Like teacherjenn said, get some help from a counselor or psychologist. And stop making her replay this for you.

I've only talked to her twice about it. Once very lightly, and today was very in-depth. I am seeking counsel right now right here. I'm not here for help so you can tell me to go find help, obviously I already know that.

ok again, i understand she was raped, it doesnt mean she didnt willingly decide to do it. and AGAIN it doesnt have anything at all to do with the "help" im asking for. And you guys are my counselor for now. The only other perso i can blame is him, and i can't go beat him because it would upset her.

You are blaming her and making her life miserable. Grow up and be a man. Get help.

She was a minor. Minors have no will, legally or morally.

Ok let me put it this way. She said yes. She agreed. She wanted to do it. She knew what it was. All legal BS aside (YES I KNOW SHE WAS RAPED before you say that again) she still chose to do it. Minors have choices to make and that's what she made. REALLY beating around the bush here.

Too add to the wonderful advice you have already been given...

The sexual past of your girlfriend(s) is of no business of yours aside from whether she is a virgin.

You have already upset her enough as it is. You can't take this information back, yet you are repeatedly making her relive it, thus, you are being abusive in a different manner.

While you are not sexually abusing her, you are mentally and emotionally abusing her by continually bringing this up.

You are blaming her and making her life miserable. Grow up and be a man. Get help.

I'm here for help, I know I need help. Thanks for telling me at a website with help in its name to seek help. Thank you. She told me she's glad we've talked about it because she didn't want me holding all this back and her not knowing what I thought about it.

You are blaming her and making her life miserable. Grow up and be a man. Get help.

And for heaven's sake stop crying!

Too add to the wonderful advice you have already been given....

The sexual past of your girlfriend(s) is of no business of yours aside from whether or not she is a virgin.

You have already upset her enough as it is. You can't take this information back, yet you are repeatedly making her relive it, thus, you are being abusive in a different manner.

While you are not sexually abusing her, you are mentally and emotionally abusing her by continually bringing this up.

She said she's happy we talked about it. We talk about everything, and I feel like the worst person in the world when she cries, but I wanted more than anything to try to get rid of all of these thoughts, and I thought talking to her would help, and it did to an extent. We had a moment, that strengthened our bond in my opinion, and were both glad we've discussed it.

Ok let me put it this way. She said yes. She agreed. She wanted to do it. She knew what it was. all legal BS aside (YES I KNOW SHE WAS RAPED before you say that again) she still chose to do it. minors have choices to make and thats what she made. REALLY beating around the bush here.
You really need mental help! I'm not going to waste any more time with you because you believe a 13 year old made an adult decision like this when raped by a 19 year old. I hope your girlfriend gets tired of your tirades and finds someone who feels sorry for her and supports her.

And for heaven's sake stop crying!

I don't know if you've ever felt like I do, plus the fact that I'm only 17 years old, crying hardly seems like an option sometimes.


You really need mental help! I'm not going to waste any more time with you because you believe a 13 year old made an adult decision like this when raped by a 19 year old. I hope your girlfriend gets tired of your tirades and finds someone who feels sorry for her and supports her.

Real Educator type thing to say thank you. I hope you realize that all you've done here is tell me I need help (seeing I'm at ASK ME HELP DESK I knew that), and tell me my girlfriend was statutorily raped. Both I already knew, and neither have anything to do with the 5 little summarizing questions at the bottom for people who A. didn't read it all, or B. Simpletons. I suggest reading those questions before you say anything else because you neither acknowledged, or answered any of them.

Real Educator type thing to say thank you. I hope you realize that all you've done here is tell me i need help (seeing im at ASK ME HELP DESK i knew that), and tell me my girlfriend was statutorily raped. both i already knew, and neither have anything to do with the 5 little summarizing questions at the bottom for people who A. didn't read it all, or B. Simpletons. I suggest reading those questions before you say anything else because you neither acknowledged, or answered any of them.

17 is a child, so don't begin to tell me about how we have answered your questions. You need to see a counselor or a psychologist. That is all of our answers. You need help.

We cannot help you. You need to find a real-life counselor who will help you understand that this young woman was raped. Her "agreeing to" it has nothing to do with anything.

17 is a child, so don't begin to tell me about how we have answered your questions. You need to see a counselor or a psychologist. That is all of our answers. You need help.

Ya that's why I'm at askmeHELPdesk.com Thanks again. Please go waste someone else time by ignoring any actual question they have.

Look dude, what happened before you is essentially none of your business.

Have I felt like you? Sure, but that was 30 something years ago.

I'm currently married with 4 children and 3 grandchildren. My husband doesn't know all of my past, nor do I know all of his. It's no one's business.

It's best if you stop having sex with her for the time being since you can't get her past out of your head. Also, let me point out the risk of pregnancy no matter what precautions you take. You aren't mature enough to handle a relationship with someone who has a sexual past, no matter the history, thus you are not mature enough to take care of a child.

I. Get. That. She. Was. Raped. Now if you'll take a moment to read the questions at the bottom of my post, and answer one of those, you know the ones I asked in the first place, ill be glad to read that. Otherwise, stop wasting my time telling me things I already know. Yes a counselor in real life would be fantastic, too bad I can't create one with my hands.

We obviously can't help you since you refuse to listen to reason from three professionals online. You must sit down with a real-life counselor to finally understand that this young woman was cruelly emotionally abused and raped, and that you are doing her absolutely no favor by having her relive it. She needs counseling too.

That's how you can answer all your questions, with real-life counseling.

Ya thats why im at askmeHELPdesk.com Thanks again. please go waste someone else time by ignoring any actual question they have.

We tell people what they need to hear. We tell people to go to doctors. Get help like you've been told. No one has ignored your question. Read our answers. We've given you answers.


i. get. that. she. was. raped. now if you'll take a moment to read the questions at the bottom of my post, and answer one of those, you know the ones i asked in the first place, ill be glad to read that. Otherwise, stop wasting my time telling me things i already know. Yes a counselor in real life would be fantastic, too bad i can't create one with my hands.
Go to your school nurse or counselor and ask for help.

A. How do I deal with her awful past without becoming depressed? You break up with her because you cannot handle the truth of her past. You aren't mature enough for that yet.
B. How do I get these terrible images of her licking another mans seed off her lips, and consciously choosing to swallow it out of my head? Again, move on. You aren't mature enough to handle her sexual past.
C. How can I let her know that I never have, and never will see her as tainted or defiled after I basically told her I thought of her that way when I'm alone sometimes (which probably makes me the worst person ever)? But you DO think of her as tainted or defiled otherwise you wouldn't be so tormented.
D. What should I do about the guy who has caused me, and the love of my life a great deal of emotional pain, when all I WANT to do is beat him nearly to death and finish on his face to see if he likes it more than her? You do nothing. It is none of your business.
E. How do I keep this pain from being a barrier from loving her unconditionally? You don't. It's too late. You've crossed a line that should never be crossed.

There. I've answered your questions. Although I doubt you will agree.



We aren't here to tell you what you want to hear. That's what your friends are for. We are adults here, with children your age or older. We are here to show you the truth no matter how it hurts.

Look dude, what happened before you is essentially none of your business.

Have I felt like you? Sure, but that was 30 something years ago.

I'm currently married with 4 children and 3 grandchildren. My husband doesn't know all of my past, nor do I know all of his. It's no one's business.

It's best if you stop having sex with her for the time being since you can't get her past out of your head. Also, let me point out the risk of pregnancy no matter what precautions you take. You aren't mature enough to handle a relationship with someone who has a sexual past, no matter the history, thus you are not mature enough to take care of a child.

That's just where I'd have to simply disagree. I'd like to honestly thank you for actually giving me some helpful points, unlike the rest of the posters, but (I know I'm young and stupid but hear me out) I feel like we're one person. We both want to know every little thing about each other, and she knows about my sexual history too, only it's a lot more normal. I'd agree that having sex at our age probably isn't smart, but we also probably won't stop. I think true love (at least in my eyes) is being on the same level with someone emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Taking in everything about them. They're insecurities, they're emotions, and yes they're body, whilst also giving them everything you have, including your pasts. Your past defines you as a person, and I like to know what's made such an amazing person.

And, like I said earlier, we are professionals from three different areas, nursing and teaching and counseling. You have hit the jackpot with advice from AMHD.


Originally Posted by KevinHardly
I like to know what's made such an amazing person.

She disgusts you, so how amazing is that?

A. How do i deal with her awful past without becoming depressed? You break up with her because you cannot handle the truth of her past. You aren't mature enough for that yet.
B. How do i get these terrible images of her licking another mans seed off her lips, and consciously choosing to swallow it out of my head? Again, move on. You aren't mature enough to handle her sexual past.
C. How can i let her know that i never have, and never will see her as tainted or defiled after i basically told her i thought of her that way when im alone sometimes (which probably makes me the worst person ever)? But you DO think of her as tainted or defiled otherwise you wouldn't be so tormented.
D. What should i do about the guy who has caused me, and the love of my life a great deal of emotional pain, when all I WANT to do is beat him nearly to death and finish on his face to see if he likes it more than her? You do nothing. It is none of your business.
E. How do i keep this pain from being a barrier from loving her unconditionally? You don't. It's too late. You've crossed a line that should never be crossed.

There. I've answered your questions. Although I doubt you will agree.
She told me about this guy when we first started dating before I ever questioned anything about her past, so she made it my business. She told me that he hurt her, and I feel like it's unfair. That's a very immature caveman-like emotion to want revenge, and an equal amount of pain for him, but what other option is there? Brush it off?

So from reading that mess of your first post, I see that you 2 have been together for under 2 months... this is some way to be acting. You took a girl that had been mentally and emotionally manipulated by an adult and made her relive the whole thing and you blame her for it... nice.

Then you want us to somehow help you get past this mental issue you have over this... to help you make her understand that you don't think of her as defiled although you really do... you want us to help you get over her "awful past" when the thing you should be doing is comforting her for it and not blaming her... The whole thing is absolutely stupid.

You should leave her so she can find someone that will think about her and not them self.

She disgusts you, so how amazing is that?

Clearly I used words with WAY too negative of a connotation. Let me rephrase. Sometimes when I think about the day she lost her virginity, I think she's been, changed? I guess. She's been used by someone and its like an "UGG" feeling. She FAR from disgusts me I don't know if you read I was having sex with her roughly 8 hours ago so. Bottom line I want to spend the rest of my life with her without a doubt. She's made me happy when I've been sad for the majority of my life due to my own family history. She makes me want to be better, and be the best at everything in the world just so she could have everything she wanted.

No, she didn't "lose her virginity." She was raped.

I am the one who broke up that dense mess of your first post into paragraphs and corrected the spelling. I was nearly sick to my stomach by the time I finished reading your awful condemnation of her -- and your concern for YOUR mental health.

Honestly, I think this should be closed. He doesn't get it, never will, and he's combative... and the more I read of him trying to rationalize how it is OK that he acts like this, the sicker I become.

Honestly, I think this should be closed. He doesn't get it, never will, and he's combative....and the more I read of him trying to rationalize how it is ok that he acts like this, the sicker I become.
Great minds think alike. I was just ruminating about closing this thread. There doesn't seem to be anything else we can say to him.

I realize making her relive it was selfish, stupid, and hurtful. I apologized for it, and she told me I can't help the way I feel, it's not all my fault. She's so sweet and kind, and I just don't want to picture her "being raped" by that guy anymore. I've been a really crappy boyfriend the last few days, but it's only because I want everything in our lives to be perfect forever. I want to love her endlessly, and I want her to know I'm all hers forever, but my mind is just killing me

Feel free to close the thread, some of you have given me insight, and made some valid points. Odinn7 really made it clear that I've been acting very wrong, and I shouldn't be talking to her for help. I do need a counselor and I thought this could give me council.

It's real life... things are never going to be perfect... especially "perfect forever". The sooner you realize that, the better off you will be.

I do comfort her and tell her everything will be okay, but that doesn't take these images out of my head, and I hate thinking about them.

feel free to close the thread, some of you have given me insight, and made some valid points. Odinn7 really made it clear that i've been acting very wrong, and i shouldn't be talking to her for help. i do need a counselor and i thought this could give me council.
You have a nurse, a teacher, a counselor, and another male weighing in with all the same advice. Find a real-life counselor now and work through this. And stop torturing her by asking for more details, please. And don't allow her to discuss it either.

It's real life....things are never going to be perfect...especially "perfect forever". The sooner you realize that, the better off you will be.

Ok obviously nothing's going to be perfect. I know that. By perfect I mean we'll be happy together forever, and I know that happens because my grandfather, was with my grandmother, bless her soul, till the end. I could see their faces light up even at the age of 80 when they talked to each other. I feel like I could have that, and I don't want anything in my stupid head getting in the way

>This thread is closed.<

I have to disagree with you as well. Why, because I have age and experience on my side. You, on the other hand, are still wet behind the ears.

Sharing a past is one thing, if you are mature enough to handle what you hear. It's apparent you aren't mature enough to handle what she has gone through.

Stop being so carried away by your own feelings guy, as you have moved too fast into this relationship and have no time to adjust to the intensity of it.

You just don't have the maturity or experience to process all that you are going through properly. That's the answer to all your questions, immaturity, and inexperience. The solution is to slow down. You have much to learn about your own self control, and are helpless to control anything other than you. So while you are running on hi octane after a few months, you better get yourself to throttle back and get yourself under control.

Let your head catch up to the events, so you can first cope with yourself, and then cope with whatever follows. You are so wrapped up in her, you ignore the obvious right in front of you, and reaction badly, and impulsively, in your rush for answers.

That's what those thought are telling you, you just aren't ready for forever, and it will be a long time before you will be. This whole thing will blow up in your face if you don't let your brain catch up with your feelings.

You have made such a simple thing so complex.