My wife and I have been in a relationship for 18 years, we have been married for 6. We have two children, girl 11, and boy 8. 3 months ago my wife found her first love on face book, without me knowing, hooked up with him. They got very intimate with each other. She told me she wanted a separation at first, to find her happiness. Then she spends a month in his house, 550 km away. She eventually returns to the family home and now wants a divorce.

She wants the children 50/50 but because he lives so far away, she wants to live in a rented house near the kids so she can have them for a week, then fly to his house and be with him and his 2 boys for a week. He cannot leave his home town due to his ex wife’s instructions and I won't let my kids leave this town. She knows she has to find 2 jobs, one in each town, week on week off. Has she lost her mind? How can a mother sacrifice her children's happiness and family to be with a man only half the time? Will this relationship last? Will she come to her senses? Is this just lust?

She says she loves him so very much and that she has thought about him off and on for 18 years. She says she no longer loves me. How can she forget 18 years together? Is this just an infatuation? I have always been the sole provider for our family, I have never hit my wife, I don't drink, I am a good father and husband, and so why is this happening? I am so lost and alone, so very heartbroken. Can someone please make sense of this?

I really wish we could make sense of it for you, but things like this often don't make sense.

Will she come back? No one knows. It could happen. The question is, after all she's put you through, would you want her back? Could you forgive her? If you can, you're a bigger person than I am.

Personally I'd say good riddance, let her go and destroy her life, just don't let her drag the kids, or you , down with her.

Get counseling for yourself, and the kids, it will help a lot.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is a great site to vent, and there are many great people on this site, some that have been through what you're going through now, and learned to accept it and live their lives to the fullest. So stick around.

We all volunteer here, and we're a worldwide site, so there's usually someone around to answer questions, but this time of night, or is it morning, is usually pretty slow. I myself am headed off to bed. So, if you don't get a reply right away, check back later, or the following day. It can sometimes take a while to get a response.

*pats your back* I am very sorry that this has happened to you. I do not know how how old you are nor do I think I can give much of an advice because I am only a 23 year old female, never been married or have kids... but I can tell you this, I know this may hurt to hear but I am not trying to offend you or your wife but... she is basically suffering from a "female infantile" syndrome, at least that is what I call it. She is basically one of those poor unfortunate women that was just never able to get over her young youthful child/teenage years. I understand how losing your first love could be, it is devastating and I am sure at the time when she first met her real life and lost him it was hard for her as well but being with you and deciding to marry you , and then having KIDS with you come as a sacrifice SHE MADE. She decided to do all of this not just you so it is definitely NOT your fault.

When people are in love, feelings of elation are released and the chemicals trick people into thinking only about their love and not about anything else. And to be honest, I find women to be far more vulnerable to this then men as women are usually more emotional. She has basically completely lost touch of her middle aged self and possibly is suffering from a partial mid life crisis of sorts. I am sure she still loves her children but a woman who decides to marry and have kids should at all costs put her family before ANYTHING else, let along her first love. Have you ever talked to her about her first love? Did you even know about her first love before you married her? And I wonder if she realizes that her first love could just be an infatuation and she could be making one of the worst mistakes of her life. I urge you to get a marriage counselor of sorts and pray that you and your wife can work this out to pave forth a happy marriage once again. Good luck!

I can answer one of your half-rhetorical questions: is this just lust. I'd say no, it's the very common realization by a woman who feels (rightly or not) like she is a mother not just to her children but to her husband as well. He provides, and comes home to the happy home run by the happy housewife and happy mother, doting on her brood and doing one humdrum thing after another. All romance and excitement and fun and spontaneity is long gone.

The other questions, who knows, of course. A lot will depend on how they work out, but some will depend on what you do. You may be full of hurt and anger, but if you want her to change her mind, you are going to have to woo her all over again, not be angry.

She is being unrealistic about finances, it seems. A house nearby? Two jobs? She'll learn very fast so there's no reason to tell her. Sometimes it's the finances that knocks sense into people.

IF she comes back, just remember: you have a right to be angry but it takes two to tango. You are part of the reason. It will be a delicate tango reconciling - recriminations and forgiveness. On both sides.

I think you take this as she has gone crazy and insulate yourself, and your kids from her insanity. Handle your business and cry later, after you have full custody of your kids. They don't need this disruption, or confusion.

Will she regain her senses? Maybe after going through hell for a while, or the guy gets tired of her crap, or the lust give way to reality. But those are maybes, to be considered later if they happen. It doesn't matter what her crisis is but for sure, you don't let it destroy you and your kids and a court can help even with supervised visits.

No telling what a crazy person will do, and if its temporary, or permanent. That's why YOU have to make sure you lead, and not follow, despite the broken heart, and bewilderment you are going through.

Good luck guy, sorry that you are going through this. But give her her divorce she asked for but on YOUR terms, not hers.

I'm going to emphasize more strongly that her logistical scenario (as you describe it) can't work. She can't afford it. No divorce court is going to give it to her. Therefore she is going to be left in a limbo that you can POSSIBLY fill. Bide your time, get your ducks in a row, and when the day comes that she has to accept that she now has no options, woo her back.
That is my view. Others say good riddance. None are right or wrong. You choose what you want within the limits of what you are faced with as each day progresses. But YOU are part of that progress.

Being a good husband isn't just about not hitting a woman or drinking too much. There is far more than that involved in a relationship. For whatever reason she felt a need to go outside the relationship to get some of her "needs" satisfied.

Is she being realistic? Certainly not. Is she being fair to you? It doesn't sound like she is.

Will she come back? Who knows?

Is this a change of life phase? Nobody knows.

I agree that at this moment you need to insulate your children from rejection. That's your first priority.

Are you sure you want her back?

Looking at this thread for the third time, I finally realize what bothers me about you. You ask, will she come to her senses? Despite the fact that she indeed isn't being sensible, you sound like you have been lacking in appreciation of her emotional needs, and see everything in terms of being 'sensible' - providing, being a good husband and father. That can range from warm and loving to just going through the motions of handing over part of your paycheck.

I wouldn't care if he was a eunuch robot, her actions are over the top. I know, only half the story.

I think they are both over the top. I am - again - concerned that's he's a good husband because he doesn't drink and/or beat her - ?

I had a friend whose parents did the same thing. Linda went to be with her first love. After about 5 or so years, Linda and her husband got back together. I don't know all the circumstances but I do know it was very painful on the husband. I feel for you!

QUOTE by joypulv;
I'm going to emphasize more strongly that her logistical scenario (as you describe it) can't work. She can't afford it. No divorce court is going to give it to her. Therefore she is going to be left in a limbo that you can POSSIBLY fill. Bide your time, get your ducks in a row, and when the day comes that she has to accept that she now has no options, woo her back.

Thank you for your reply , but how long will all this take , I hate being in limbo , I read up today on the effects of " first loves reunited" , which is what this is , scary stuff for me , but I guess I'll just have to wait it out

I'll try this , not sure how to join this conversation about myself but I will try , when I say I was a good husband , I meant it , I was ! Yes after 18 years together things might of got a bit stale , but I am by no means a boring husband .

In reply to talaniman , that is just about the whole story , her excuses for going to him , we're the same as nearly every other cheating wife , the search for ones self , the search for happiness , I didn't help around the house , apparently working 12 hours a day giving her everything she wants ( holidays with her friends in Bali , 10 day cruises with her friends , at least 4 new cars over the years , beautiful home , she never has to work , on my time off I take her out for the evenings , I know all these things are material , but the greatest gift I ever gave her was our 2 beautiful children , and unfortunately , now she thinks she can just throw them around like material possessions as well , this hurts . I know in my heart I have been a good husband and father , I guess I just can't compete with something more exciting and different , I wish I could

In reply to talaniman , that is just about the whole story , her excuses for going to him , we're the same as nearly every other cheating wife , the search for ones self , the search for happiness , I didn't help around the house , apparently working 12 hours a day giving her everything she wants ( holidays with her friends in Bali , 10 day cruises with her friends , at least 4 new cars over the years , beautiful home , she never has to work , on my time off I take her out for the evenings , I know all these things are material , but the greatest gift I ever gave her was our 2 beautiful children , and unfortunately , now she thinks she can just throw them around like material possessions as well , this hurts . I know in my heart I have been a good husband and father , I guess I just can't compete with something more exciting and different , I wish I could

Okay, I do feel that what she's doing is wrong, but after reading this post, I'm feeling the same way Joy and Judy felt. Your ideas of what makes a good husband, are a bit messed up.

You work 12 hours a day, give her everything she wants, holidays with friends (not you) 10 day cruises with friends (not you) cars (not you) a beautiful home (not you) she never has to work (you're never home), and once and a while you take her out? That's a very lonely existence.

A car can't hold you, can't talk to you, cruises with friends, holidays with friends, because your husband is too busy working. Children. Two children that she basically raised on her own for the years she was with you, because the math doesn't add up for you to be an active involved father.

Money is important, you need it to put a roof over your head, food on the table. But possessions, trips, a beautiful house, they don't matter at all if you're sitting at home alone every night dealing with screaming kids, and a husband/father that's never there.

I'm a woman. I can say that I'd rather live in a shack with outdoor plumbing, and a loving husband that's there, helping with the kids, spending time with me, talking to me, just holding me, than to have a gorgeous house, new cars, trips, but no one to share it all with.

You're idea of being a good husband, isn't reality.

I think you misunderstand me , all these things have been over 18 years together , don't get me wrong we have had our struggles as well . At one time I was driving back with my wife from a failed business venture we both went on ( hunting feral animals in the outback ) we had to drive 1500 km to get back to our home town , we just filled up our last tank of fuel , we had $1.45 left , we decided to throw it out the window , because we agreed its all good if we have nothing , at least we have each other . On many occasions we have flat broke , but together we managed , we made a promise to each other , that in times of good we will spoil each other and we did . So please don't think for one second it has allways been like this , we have been on trips together , with and without our children . We were so much in love , it's only since this other man has been on the scene , that things have gone down hill.

I think you tried your best guy, and you are no different than the many hard working women who get left behind after cooking and cleaning and thinking they are good mates for most of their lives. Who can say why people change after so long. What's done is done, have no guilt about it as its her, not you that decided to change course, and revisit a past she never let go of.

There is no excuse for cheating no matter what else was wrong. There are better ways ro deal with unhappiness, boredom, and disatisfacton. You got a raw deal. I hope it opens your eyes up and gives you a great pause before you forgive and forget if she comes crawling back.

Plan that she won't. So you don't wait hopelessly in limbo.

I don't think "we were so much in love" is true. Maybe at one time. Obviously not recently. Something went haywire - possibly with her, possibly between the two of you.

My concern would be the trust issue - would you ever be able to trust her again? It's not all about the cheating. She looked you in the eyes and lied while she was having an affair? That's something else to be addressed.

I have no idea why people fall out of love. Is she looking for a fantasy that she'll never find? Possibly. I still think you have to be strong for your children, if not for your own peace of mind.