I stumbled upon his bing searches and have found forced anal sex multiple times and most recently mother and young son porn.. also the live porn chats - I know porn isn't a big deal and we have great sex life but the content of this disturbs me... is that normal?

My opinion is that is over the line into disturbing.
There are many questions, however.
How you 'stumbled upon' them.
Why you were using his computer.
How many sites there are, how you know he put them there, how involved you are with him.
When someone says 'fiance,' we really don't know these days what that means.

My superficial view however is that this relationship is doomed, both because you snooped and because (if he put those there) the type of rape and incest porn is too much.

We were both at the computer at first looking for new car. He left me on a site and then I went to search and the drop box showed them so I was not snooping. And as fiancé I mean basically married without marriage license- we live together and have kids together and are engaged just haven't made final step to get married.
My opinion is that is over the line into disturbing.
There are many questions, however.
How you 'stumbled upon' them.
Why you were using his computer.
How many sites there are, how you know he put them there, how involved you are with him.
When someone says 'fiance,' we really don't know these days what that means.

My superficial view however is that this relationship is doomed, both because you snooped and because (if he put those there) the type of rape and incest porn is too much.

If you are snooping you really don't have a relationship that's going to last much longer.

I'd give you the boot the moment I found out... its HIS computer... and its HIS right to privacy you are violating.

Respect means you don't do that... you don't even THINK about doing it.

Shame on you. He deserves better. If he was doing it to you.. I'd tell him the same.

Incidentally... while you might not have an imagination, curiosity or fantasies... but he does.

Perhaps because he looked at MILF or Cougar topics... which are not necessarily Incest, and in fact most of the time aren't.

I myself dated a lot of older women in College and in my early 20's. Why? They didn't play the juvenile head games so many younger women liked to play. Not because I had some type of mommy thing going on.



And by the way... until that ring is on the finger... no you aren't married. Doubt me... just try filing joint tax returns.

Another aspect of all this is that you apparently haven't told him and asked him what's going on. This adds an element to snooping that compounds the lack of communication. For the sake of the children and the relationship, TALK to him. Be honest how you feel but don't rant and accuse. If you are puzzled, hurt, confused, worried - say so.

I plan on talking to him just wasn't sure how to go about it- I don't want to get his feelings or him to be ashamed I want an open relationship where we can talk freely. We watch porn together but never anything like this and I was just worried about content of porn he's watching.
Another aspect of all this is that you apparently haven't told him and asked him what's going on. This adds an element to snooping that compounds the lack of communication. For the sake of the children and the relationship, TALK to him. Be honest how you feel but don't rant and accuse. If you are puzzled, hurt, confused, worried - say so.

First how do you know its Mother son stuff... and not simply Cougar or MILF topics? A Cougar or a MILF is a hot older woman... Usually 30's or older. Its very much NOT incest which would be mommy - son stuff. Be careful before you jump to conclusions. The former is a popular subject the last few years... the latter is likely to get an unwelcome response if its NOT what he was going for.

Communication is good... but jumping to conclusions will get you in trouble faster than you can imagine.

The search was for 'mother and young son porn' , 'forced anal sex', 'crying girl during anal sex'
First how do you know its Mother son stuff.......and not simply Cougar or MILF topics? A Cougar or a MILF is a hot older woman.... Usually 30's or older. Its very much NOT incest which would be mommy - son stuff. Be careful before you jump to conclusions. THe former is a popular subject the last few years...the latter is likely to get an unwelcome response if its NOT what he was going for.

Talk to him when you aren't in bed and the kids are. Start with how you found the sites, and say they worry you, and you feel they are in the realm of disturbing - just as you did here. Just say how you feel, keep it short, and let him talk. If it turns you off, tell him.

But no matter what, life isn't really going to be the same. You found a secret and you have to either live with the reality or leave. You won't know if he will just be more careful in the future, or drop it for your sake. You have no choice but to accept that fact. That is why snooping (I know, you weren't really snooping) or 'inadvertently finding something' is so destructive to relationships. There often is no solution.

The search was for 'mother and young son porn' , 'forced anal sex', 'crying girl during anal sex'

More likely if he's fairly young... he isn't as familiar with the terms MILF and Cougar...

And in any case... fantasies are just that... fantasies... just because you think about something doesn't mean you actually would do it...

And everyone has fantasies they keep to themselves... man or woman.

An example, Lots of women have rape fantasies... but very, very few would ever want to play act one even with someone they love (and none actually want a real one to happen). Look at it that way. Fantasy and reality don't HAVE to be linked together. And many times never should.

Thanks. That's really eased my mind I just wanted to know before I do talk to him if it could just be simple fantasy thing or what. We have discussed fantasies before and only one he ever talks about is threesome and no porn on that just those. So had me worried.
More likely if he's fairly young...he isn't as familiar with the terms MILF and Cougar.......

And in any case....fantasies are just that...fantasies...just because you think about something doesn't mean you actually would do it....

and everyone has fantasies they keep to themselves....man or woman.

An example, Lots of women have rape fantasies...but very, very few would ever want to play act one even with someone they love (and none actually want a real one to happen). Look at it that way. Fantasy and reality don't HAVE to be linked together. And many times never should.

Thanks. That's really eased my mind I just wanted to know before I do talk to him if it could just be simple fantasy thing or what. We have discussed fantasies before and only one he ever talks about is threesome and no porn on that just those. So had me worried.

Oh trust me... like you... I'm certain there are others you have not really discussed with each other... because some fantasies are deeply personal things... and reveling them all can leave you feeling exposed and vulnerable... and that's true for both men and women.

There are some we will share... and others we keep to ourselves. Its rare for even man and wife to tell each other every last fantasy they have... and far less likely someone you aren't married to... out of fear they might be made public during a period of anger.


Yes we all have our own secrets.

Mother and "young son" would imply minors. "Forced" means rape. I would be very concerned. This goes way beyond fantasies. If he looked at or downloaded content that met these descriptions, he committed a felony each time.

Smoothy, I know you like porn and love to stand up for these guys who are into all kinds of whatever on their computers, but when a person's sexual gratification costs someone else autonomy over their body - molestation and photographing a child sexually or forcing sodomy on even an adult - uhm, there's nothing sexy about it. At that point it's sick and criminal.

Normal people are not turned on by the idea of a mother having sex with their "young son" or watching someone getting anally raped. Sick.

Mother and "young son" would imply minors. "Forced" means rape. I would be very concerned. This goes way beyond fantasies. If he looked at or downloaded content that met these descriptions, he committed a felony each time.

Smoothy, I know you like porn and love to stand up for these guys who are into all kinds of whatever on their computers, but when a person's sexual gratification costs someone else autonomy over their body - molestation and photographing a child sexually or forcing sodomy on even an adult - uhm, there's nothing sexy about it. At that point it's sick and criminal.

Normal people are not turned on by the idea of a mother having sex with their "young son" or watching someone getting anally raped. Sick.

You have a clear and admitted disdain for porn and anyone who watches it and have said you think anyone that looks at any kind of porn is sick... and contrary to what you may believe (a basic course in Psychology will demonstrate the following to you)... things are not always what they appear to be at face value... in fact... when it comes to the human psyche they rarely ever are.

And certainly nobody can pass diagnosis or judgement on another over just a few simple search terms.

We have differing views for you to consider.
Are we men vs women here? I think maybe.
I'm a woman. I have watched about 2 porn videos in my life and 1 or 2 porn movies, neither with anyone forcing sex on anyone, and all actors were adult. They did nothing for me.
I can appreciate the acceptance of fantasy that might be beyond the pale. I agree that we all have fantasies that we would never act out.
Maybe I change my mind about your fiancé and this whole situation. I have not seen nor do I know anything about the types of porn he was searching for.
I hope you talk to him soon and let us know how it went.

Smoothy, for clarity, I don't think everyone who's ever looked at porn is sick. I would hope people would outgrow it and at some point evolve beyond it. I do think certain behaviors are sick and putting them on film doesn't make them better, like pedophilia, molestation of teenagers, rape, sexual slavery, forced sodomy, beatings and the like.

I do not believe in supporting porn and it doesn't have much to do with sex. It has to do with the fact that the industry is too tied in to child abuse and sexual slavery, pimping, gang activity and drug trade. This is not a women against men argument and it's not an argument about whether sex is moral. It's about human rights.

I don't really care about the needs or psyche of the person buying child porn or downloading images of men or women who are being raped - again, I'm concerned about the victim in the situation. It's not an argument against sex but against violence.

As we've discussed before - like when you've compared porn with live "actors" to sexually charged romance novels, the issue isn't the sexual content - it's the objectification of those actual human beings who appear live on camera and commit these sexual acts for money, or because, too often, they are forced, drugged, coerced, raped, imprisoned, enslaved or simply don't think they have any other options.

When they are adults, well, it's within the law. When they are children or are being raped on camera, it's a different matter and should be reported and not tolerated. Do you disagree that we should be intolerant of the sexual abuse of children, or should raise concerns when we see a person being raped on camera? Finding that offensive is what, prudish?

Hi Justme,

Remember one thing one this board. Über member means they answer a lot of questions. It does not mean they answer correctly. Two accuse you of snooping, the fact is If you clicked a search box you will get a drop down of recently searched items. That is not snooping it is how computers work. As far as saying your relationship is over or doomed etc, it's BS. It may may be, it may not be, no one here knows.

You sound reasonable so here is a reasonable response. If you look up popular porn genres, what you mentioned is listed in the top 7 .(I assume these are fairly accurate) so while it may seem extreme to you it is not out of the mainstream viewing. Also, fantasy often involves the things one will never do. It's fantasy. Simply talk to him. Start with "you know I don't mind you viewing porn" or something like that and be honest. Say these things sort of worry you a bit. See what he says.

It may or may not be a problem but it is you who will decide. You know him best. Good luck.

Hi Justme,

Remember one thing one this board. Über member means they answer a lot of questions. It does not mean they answer correctly. Two accuse you of snooping, the fact is If you clicked a search box you will get a drop down of recently searched items. That is not snooping it is how computers work. As far as saying your relationship is over or doomed etc, it's BS. It may may be, it may not be, no one here knows.

You sound reasonable so here is a reasonable response. If you look up popular porn genres, what you mentioned is listed in the top 7 .(I assume these are fairly accurate) so while it may seem extreme to you it is not out of the mainstream viewing. Also, fantasy often involves the things one will never do. It's fantasy. Simply talk to him. Start with "you know I don't mind you viewing porn" or something like that and be honest. Say these things sort of worry you a bit. See what he says.

It may or may not be a problem but it is you who will decide. You know him best. good luck.
Really? My feedback proves otherwise... you've got what 14 posts? You reputation here is what exactly? 15? What are your credentials that prove you know anything about your answer? Particularly after you come here and disparage some else. I've earned my reputation... reputation has nothing to do with post counts..

Which if you had taken the time to read the site rules.. you would know is frowned upon. So how about showing a little respect...

You joined May 23, 2012 I joined Dec 29, 2005

And incidentally.. she WAS snooping... its not her computer... she was looking... that makes it snooping. That's an undeniable fact. If it was HER computer.. it wouldn't be snooping.

You claimed I don't know anything, and my answers are wrong.. so its time to back up your claim.

Really? My feedback proves otherwise...you've got what 14 posts? You reputation here is what exactly? 15? What are your credentials that prove you know anything about your answer? Particularly after you come here and disparage some else. I've earned my reputation......reputation has nothing to do with post counts..

Which if you had taken the time to read the site rules..you would know is frowned upon. So how about showing a little respect...

You joined May 23, 2012 I joined Dec 29, 2005

And incidently..she WAS snooping....its not her computer...she was looking...that makes it snooping. That's an undeniable fact. If it was HER computer..it wouldn't be snooping.

You claimed I don't know anything, and my answers are wrong..so its time to back up your claim.

If I offended you sorry. However, while perhaps not written as well as it could have been, I stand by my point.

In this particular question she said she was looking at the computer with her BF, he stepped away she went to search something and saw the sites. Now a search box will do just that. It will show perevious searches. She said she was not snooping. From what she tells us it doesn't appear to be anything close to snooping.

I replied that the genre of porn she saw was a bit more Maine stream than she thought and she should discuss with him what she found. Then my jab on Über.

You answered her and included the following;

"If you are snooping you really don't have a relationship that's going to last much longer.

I'd give you the boot the moment I found out....its HIS computer...and its HIS right to privacy you are violating.

Respect means you don't do that......you don't even THINK about doing it.

Shame on you. He deserves better. If he was doing it to you..I'd tell him the same.

Incidentally...while you might not have an imagination, curiosity or fantasies....but he does"

I appreciate the rules of this site. You have been on for five years and answered lots of questions
I have been on 2 years and answered only a handful. Me being light in responses means only I am light in responses.
It does not reflect on quality of the few I choose to write.

I also think of the two response one might (or have an equal chance) find what you wrote a bit more rude to her than what I wrote rude to you.

Again if I offended sorry. But I feel it is within rules. Ajh

Smoothy,

So you translate "mother and son porn" into "milf porn"? There is a big difference. One is incest with your mom. The other is just having sex with a woman a lot older than you.

"Forced anal sex" and "crying girl during anal sex". Basically translates to wanting to watch fake rape.

Fantasies are fantasies. But I'd have a big problem if I found out my husband got off on this type of porn. I am very open minded and like kinky stuff but none of my fantasies are anything to hide or at all disturbing.

She wasn't snooping. They were SHARING the computer together and it came up on the drop down box. The drop down box comes up naturally all the time on my computer (when you start to type something in).

You seem to be very protective over porn. No matter what the content is.

So if your wife had been into a certain type of porn for years (and you found out NOT by snooping.. maybe she just told you, or it was left open on the computer) you wouldn't care? I don't even want to come up with something sick. But if it really really disturbed you, and you thought that type of thing was morally wrong or flat out illegal type of stuff.. you would just say oh well, it's just a fantasy?

OP didn't explain the details of the 'find' until later in the thread. Regardless of the nuances and arguments about snooping, how one handles finding out a secret about a partner is what really matters. (Not that the matter of snooping isn't important, but I think it's been settled here.)
OP hasn't talked to her partner yet, and needs to. ANYONE who finds out ANYTHING about someone and is upset about it needs to TALK first and foremost to that person.

(PS: I didn't ask for the Uber Member designation and don't even like the term.)

When you find out something shocking about your partner and father of your kids you talk about it. You already know him well enough to judge his character and actions and have shared much already. This is but another thing to share and talk about.

He is probably a voyeur, a person who likes to watch and it does cause problems for those that don't understand it. That's why they make all kinds of adult porn for the wide range of peoples taste, and the actors merely play a role and most are very well paid. You both enjoy porn together, and that's a healthy start, but like most people like monster movies, the blood and gore slasher variety is too intense for them.

Some are more sensitive than others for sure, not just about porn but in many areas of life and one size doesn't fit all. So you talk to understand and see if it can be balanced and resolved and a way forward can be found.

Yes it a challenge but is it a deal breaker? Talk about it. That's what mature long term couples do when faced with challenges. When the shock wears off, you will. And this will not be the last challenge you face together, and I doubt it was the first. It's a dificult subject, but happy healthy couples overcome the difficulty, and move forward with their lives, to face those many challenges.

I'm a licensed investigator. I testify in Court. Checking someone's computer activity is snooping.

I realize someone has an ax to grind with certain members. Please keep that in mind when reading the "advice."

Also look at language and demeanor.

That's how AMHD works.

This post was closed because of personal bickering back and forth.