I am a single woman and am suffering a lot lately due to poor decisions I've made. I'm in a job I hate. My parents are elderly and sick. I'm 5'3" and almost 260 pounds. I eat constantly. I sleep after work until night time, then I wake up and eat. I call phone sex lines to talk to men. I've been talking to a married man for years on the phone and am obsessed with him. I figured out his wife's passcode on her cell phone and I've been calling her phone to find messages from him. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel stuck. I wear the same thing for days in a row. Sometimes I don't brush my teeth. I'm so down lately and don't know how to get out of this mess. I live alone in an apartment and have no friends. Please give me some guidance on what I should do, or where I should start. My apartment is a mess. I have bill collectors that call constantly. I haven't been to a doctor in months and am due for a yearly physical and have various problems that need to be addressed. Thanks for your assistance. I want a normal life but feel trapped.

I understand how one thing leads to another and before you know it, you are being squashed by the whole mess. Its important to find the beginning and take steps about that one. It can pay off so well that taking steps on the next thing becomes much easier. Its connected just like that.

Do yourself a big favor and review the list you made here, writing them down like a check list. Mark out the ones you can only practice acceptance about -- like your parents aging, for example. Then priortize the ones left keeping in mind how one thing leads to another. Write next to each problem the first small step necessary.

I would be inclined to see the unhealthy eating/weight issue is near the top of the list as a biggie for making a person feel really bad, which in turn leads to more bad decisions. So instead of sleeping after work, maybe attend OA meeting? Look for Overeaters Anonymous in your phone directory and if you can't find them, look for AA instead - they sometimes know OA info. OA is where you can make some friends who will offer support for you to begin to make small but radically different choices.

Use a small victory to really feel good about yourself and empower yourself to tackle the next thing on your list. This is all a one day at a time, one decision at a time puzzle to solve but I believe it can be done. You posted here (good for you)-- now take another step.

I am a single woman and am suffering a lot lately due to poor decisions I've made. I'm in a job I hate. My parents are elderly and sick. I'm 5'3" and almost 260 pounds. I eat constantly. I sleep after work until night time, then I wake up and eat. I call phone sex lines to talk to men. I've been talking to a married man for years on the phone and am obsessed with him. I figured out his wife's passcode on her cell phone and I've been calling her phone to find messages from him. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel stuck. I wear the same thing for days in a row. Sometimes I don't brush my teeth. I'm so down lately and don't know how to get out of this mess. I live alone in an apartment and have no friends. Please give me some guidance on what I should do, or where I should start. My apartment is a mess. I have bill collectors that call constantly. I haven't been to a doctor in months and am due for a yearly physical and have various problems that need to be addressed. Thanks for your assistance. I want a normal life but feel trapped.
Oh sweetheart... everything is going to be OK really I know it is.. I completely understand how your feeling and it really isn't nice but... you don't have to be like it forever you can get better really I used to be exactly liike you.. I just didn't see the point in living every day I hated it seemed too much what was the point.. everything people found just normal I struggled to get my head round doing.. I know babe.. I really do know.. but its going to be OK.. there is hope and there is help and I love life now.. have you ever read the new testamont.. the plasm the proverbs... honestly there is help and its all in here.. the amzing thing is your not on your own.. and you are going to be OK.. once you have god in your life you won't need to use food to make you feel comforted you won't need to use phone lines you will have astrength that passes all understanding.. its not religion its just a book that's really old but has words that have amazing power .
Don't hate yourself you see yourself differently to other people and you have isoleted yourself from people cause you have no love for u... what if I said that everything you think about yourself is the biggest illusion and lie.. really you have created your world by your thoughts you neeed to see that you are a beautiful and a unique person who has a kind heart and soul and just be gentle with yourself stop punishing yourself.. love yourself because you don't have to be trapped by all this anymore you are free.. its your life and you can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven.. really.. think about it.. instead of sleeping to pass time by go out no matter how you feeel go for a walk and just be with nature think nice happy thoughts try no matter how hard.. just start doing this each day.. and I promise hand on heart you will feel better about yourself.. the world is such a beautiful place but right now your just hiding from it.. there is love and there is so much there's enough for you and everyone... take it day by day and give yourself a pat on the back for everything you do.. soon you will see your life will be brighter and you will want to be with people.. you can be who ever you want in this life and its ovibious to me you don't want to be this person anymore so start to help yourself.. read the news testmont.. the paslms and proverbs.. please you want help.. this is the biggest help I can give you babe.. I have been where you are now and I know how bad it is but I am sooo much better now and its about have faith and believing that you don't have to be trapped by food thinking about you I know you will be just fine.. I am here if you need to talk.. be gentle with yourself you are unique and specail you just need to realise it and you will.. I know.. love to you angel

Dear Valinors and Katrina,

Thank you so much for responding so quickly. I cried as I read both of your responses. Looking at the huge pile of things in my life I need to fix has been so overwhelming. It's easier to sleep, eat, or act like someone else on the phone. Your advice to begin with a couple things (like health and God) makes sense to me. I need to find the strength to begin. I've become such a recluse in my personal life. For example, today is Sunday and ever since I came home from work Friday, I have not left my apartment except to get five bags of food. The only people I've spoken with are strangers on chatlines where I act like I'm petite and beautiful. And that married guy calls daily claiming he's in love with me; that makes me depressed also because I know it's not true. He lives thousands of miles away and simply calls for naughty talk.

I am a single woman and am suffering a lot lately due to poor decisions I've made. I'm in a job I hate. My parents are elderly and sick. I'm 5'3" and almost 260 pounds. I eat constantly. I sleep after work until night time, then I wake up and eat. I call phone sex lines to talk to men. I've been talking to a married man for years on the phone and am obsessed with him. I figured out his wife's passcode on her cell phone and I've been calling her phone to find messages from him. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel stuck. I wear the same thing for days in a row. Sometimes I don't brush my teeth. I'm so down lately and don't know how to get out of this mess. I live alone in an apartment and have no friends. Please give me some guidance on what I should do, or where I should start. My apartment is a mess. I have bill collectors that call constantly. I haven't been to a doctor in months and am due for a yearly physical and have various problems that need to be addressed. Thanks for your assistance. I want a normal life but feel trapped.
There isn't much anyone can do to help you but yourself,and I think you know that.go to the doctor and tell him what is truly going on and then get a hold of the department of rehab services or the counselor.only you can get out of this ,but you have to want to.and let that guy go as well that's a dead end!

You are welcome and there is only a limited amount that can be done here, so be mindful of that too.

It sounds like you've retreated from your real life into a fantasy world as much as you can. Its very dissatisfying, isn't it? And it comes at a huge price to you too. Time to reclaim your real life. Even taking small steps, it will sometimes feel like a battle, but it is a worthy fight because you deserve to be happy. Many of the things you listed are changeable. One small step, honey. Make a call to OA instead of your chat buddies tonight.

Begin by reaching out for help. There is lots of it out in the world.

It's very easy to stay still when you are still, momentum is what carries us through life, and you've lost yours. Ultimately who you are is what you do, right now you're nothing because you do nothing. As a whole, the problems seem overwhelming, but val is right, take it one step at a time.

A couple of key things to think about when it comes to solving problem piles. When you're faced with one problem, it's fairly easy to adapt and overcome, and when you're faced with many, that one problem that was easily solvable becomes the straw that breaks the camel's back. Solving one problem diminishes the effect of another. For example when my ex left me, I was overweight, aggrivated at everything, I turned into an alcoholic and couldn't handle going to class or getting my work done. First thing I did was work on losing weight, I've lost 50 lbs, and when I realized I was in better shape, I wasn't an angry person anymore because I had less to be angry about.

Personally, I'd start with your weight. It'll kill you, is why I pick that one first. Also, with diet and exercise, you'll feel better too. What I did was go online and look for an exercise bike, which make exercising convenient, which left me little excuse not to use it. I only paid like 150US to get it shipped to my house, so it was a sweet deal. Park that sucker in front of the TV and get rockin.

And, as far as dieting goes, I'm no expert, but I did what works for me. Put pictures of totally hot chicks up on my walls, and looked at them every time I wanted a snack. I also figured screw diets, they don't work in the long term because it means changing what you eat completely, instead I'd focus on eating smaller portions of the same garbage I usually eat. Worked like a charm.

Wow this is going to be the second time this week I've recommended this but I suggest you get the book Beliefs by Robert Dilts. Basically the beliefs we pick up, sometimes by accident or that don't make sense when you stop and think about them guide our lives. This book covers that, how they get set in your brain to begin with and how to reset them.

As far as finances, I was in debt a few years ago I wrote down on a piece of paper how much I owed and to who. I then forgave myself for getting into debt decided stopped to think (and a lot of time we don't think about things we just react to them but you have to slow down and let it sink it so you can take action to correct it) that I didn't get into debt overnight so it' okay if I don't get out overnight and gave myself a timeline. Believe it or not setting this whole thing up was actually kind of fun. Anyway, I then paid the SMALLEST debts first because those were the ones that I could eliminate the most quick. Once I eliminated a debt I took it off my list. If it was a credit card, I called and canceled it. To be honest I don't remember how long it took, maybe 2 and half years but I finally paid everything off. I also had some set backs and when I did I just reaffirmed to myself that my overall debt had come down from when I started so improvements were being made. That's just what I did, I'm sure there are some great books at the library that can help you with that if you don't think that fits to your situation.

Much like with the money, the weight didn't just happen overnight nor should you expect it go away overnight. You can't lose 100 lbs by this time next month. But you can lose 5. Don't look at the whole thing and say you can't. Break it down and set it up for yourself so that you can. Set a goal of losing 5 lbs. When you reach it set another goal of losing 5 lbs. Then another 5 lbs.

I sypathize with you about food. I love eating. But you can also eat healthy and feel better and get energy as opposed to some that does nothing for you. I lift and I can tell you one of the overall healthiest and cheapiest (by volume and number of times I use the stuff) is protein. I use protein to make shakes when I blend it with strawberries and milk, or I just mix it with straight milk. Some brands of protein mix great with water and it even tastes goo. But the one thing this also does is make me full. Even though your not a bodybuilder I recommend you go to Bodybuilding.com - Huge Nutrition Article Database! (http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/bbmainnut.htm)

Don't be fooled by the name of the site, you do not have to be a bodybuilder to go there. They have thousands of articles on nutritian and diets.

Also I just wanted to throw this out there, your just like 95% of the population in that you want change, but your only like 5% who seek out answers to it. You searched this site out, asked the question are getting feedback and making or at the very least taking in some positive feedback regarding your life. I'm not saying your over the mountain, but your not at the base of it either. You've gone farther than most of the people living or dead ever have because you've searched for something better. If you can be proud of anything you've done this weekend, I'd say you can be proud of that.

Breαk up with the mαrried mαn, get finαncαl help to αssist you with you debt αnd help you hαve everything in order--or do it yourself! cleαn your αpαrtment.. look for α better job (outside αnother city if you wish), get support (friends, mom, sisters, etc.), stop eαting so much, get into α scheduαl eαt right, exercise, join something (curves? cerαmics clαss?. ) go out αnd sociαlize! Yeα its eαsy to sαy but hαrd to do-- no use in complαining though go out there αnd get α hold of YOUR life becαuse you're the only one thαts gonnα live it girl.. αnd its up to you on how you do it--i know you cαn do it:-)

You sound like you may be suffering from clinical depression. The place to begin is with your physician. Force yourself to go. He/she will guide you on the road to recovery.

The support on this site is unbelievable. Thank you so much. I'm reading and rereading everyone's messages and letting it all sink in because it's a new way of thinking for me. Today was another day where I called in sick to work. I've been missing lots of work lately because I can barely get out of bed. The thought of getting up, taking a shower, getting dressed... it's too much. I called OA yesterday and they have meetings every single day. I'm a little scared to go.

The support on this site is unbelievable. Thank you so much. I'm reading and rereading everyone's messages and letting it all sink in because it's a new way of thinking for me. Today was another day where I called in sick to work. I've been missing lots of work lately because I can barely get out of bed. The thought of getting up, taking a shower, getting dressed ... it's too much. I called OA yesterday and they have meetings every single day. I'm a little scared to go.
This is good and I understand about being scared. But look! You've now done two things -- posted to this site and called and retrieved relevant OA information. Good for you! But you don't have to go to that first meeting alone -- pretend to take us with you just like you have been pretending to have online friends with those other people. Make what you already know how to do work here too. Then post back here afterwards how it was-- I would love to hear about it. Tell the people you meet there about this site and the advice you found here. Let them take it from there -- anyone in an OA meeting (or any 12-step program for that matter) remembers how scary the first meeting is, trust me.

The support on this site is unbelievable. Thank you so much. I'm reading and rereading everyone's messages and letting it all sink in because it's a new way of thinking for me.

Your exactly right. It is a new way of thinking but your doing everything right by rereading every thing. I heard Tony Robbins once describe his childhood and early part of his adulthood, he was overweight, not leaving his apartment, and didn't have a job at all. He said something that has stuck with me and that is if you keep putting negative thoughts into your brain, your going to get negative results. However, if you start putting positive thoughts into your brain eventually your going to start getting positive results.

The thing is we go through life talking ourselves out of so many things or if we fail at something we stop and don't go any further because so many people have assumed that to fail is so painful that they'd rather not take the chance. There is book by Susan Jeffers called "Feel the Failure, and Do it Anyway." It's pretty good, I'd recommend it.

But there are thousands, if not millions of people just like you, except you have actually taken some steps forward. Some people never will. Let's be honest, your already better off and further along then you were 7 days ago. At some point you reached the point where you said, "this is it" and you took action by searching out this site and posting your situation. You took action and called OA. You took action and REREAD everything. I reread everything here all the time. This site is a fountain of knowledge and I can't understand how some posters don't even seem to read the answer's given to them once without jumping down the throats of those that attemtp to offer help. Your already above those people. You've taken some steps over the weekend for the better. I said yesterday you weren't at the top of the mountain but you weren't at the base either. Well toady you still not at the top, your certainly not at the bottom but your higher then you were just 24 hours ago. Start giving yourself some credit. You deserve it.


Today was another day where I called in sick to work.

Obviously you have to quit doing that. I'll say this, if you work in a negative environment or you absolutely hate your job, you've go to get out of there. If you have to take a paycut to work at a place that treats you better, you should do it.

That being said, if you like what your doing, and depending on how your boss is you could do something tomorrow that might change this behavior. Again, this depends on what kind of person and what kind of supervisor your boss is. But you can walk in first thing tomorrow and ask to speak with him/her and say that you have been having some problems (you don't have to say what they are) but that you have worked them out to where you won't be calling into work again. By doing that, your putting some pressure on yourself to start showing up everyday.



I've been missing lots of work lately because I can barely get out of bed. The thought of getting up, taking a shower, getting dressed ... it's too much. I called OA yesterday and they have meetings every single day. I'm a little scared to go.

Have you ever thought about just taking the shower? What I mean is instead of looking at the all the things together just think about taking the shower. Then when your done, think about getting dressed. Then breakfast. Then work. In other words think of the pieces and not the whole. It's like I said with the weight. You can't lose 100 lbs. But you can lose 5 lbs. Then another 5 lbs. That's why so many people never start dieting. They look at how much they have to lose and say it' impossible. The total weight may not be possible but the 5 lbs is. Once you have 5 lbs, another 5 lbs is nothing. But then you actually have lost 10lbs. Do you see what I'm saying your already overwhelmed before you get out of bed but you overwhelm yourself but you look at the whole picture and not he pieces. Focus on the pieces and the whole picture will fill itself in. Also, there are people who have lost 800 plus lbs without surgery.

As far as being scared let me ask you what Gem07 from 20 years from now would tell Gem07 of present day? I bet the future you would say take the chance, don't be scared, everybody else there was scared too but it's worth the trip.

Spot on Chuff!

It is because alcoholics (who are like overeaters only with booze) tend to drink over being overwhlemed that the slogans of AA are so effective:

Live and Let Live
Easy Does It
But For the Grace of God
Think Think Think
First Things First

You may even find them displayed at an OA meeting too and if you do, here's a little secret about them -- if you take the first word of each one, it makes the best slogan of all:
Live Easy But Think First!

Hi,

In addition to what others have said…

You have done the 1st right thing by confessing, speaking up and accepting that you have a problem.

The next thing you should do, like some others have said is to collate and write all the problems that are affecting you at this time.

After you have done that, you should work on your mindset. Change your thinking... You will have to think very positive in regards to what the situation is. Push your mind and body to limits that you have never experienced.

Exercising is a great start to feeling good about yourself.. Though, you have to make a regular habit of it. I do this myself, whenever I am stressed or worried... I go for a really hard intense workout to the gym.

Before you go to the gym, you will need to consult your doctor on what training methods is the best for you. You might also want to get a personal trainer to help.. another alternative is to join a 'women only' gym. You will meet new good friends. Together with them, you will be able to train harder.

The personal trainer will help you set miles stones on your training and a nutritionist with your health..

Though before you start, make sure your mindset is changed! You must have adrenaline to keep you motivated and going...

Once you start taking care of you, other things will start coming into place. The thing to remember is that, 'Its you! who controls this situation'. The best way to take ownership of this problem is to change how your mind thinks and works...

Say to yourself things like:
"I can do it"
"If people can run 5miles, I can run it too... Our bodies are built for hard work"
"I am beautiful"

You should set two goals; one unrealistic, two realistic and build your mile stones upon that... Try to always get the unrealistic goal

An example for health could be:

Unrealistic Goals When Starting A Fat Loss Program
* I'll only eat 1,000 calories every day this entire week.
* Starting Monday, I'm going to begin running three miles every day.
* I'm going to make cookies for the party and I won't eat or taste any.
* I'm going to lose fifteen pounds before that party next month

Realistic Goals When Starting A Fat Loss Program
* My average daily intake will be 1,500 calories this week.
* I'll walk for 45 minutes five times this week.
* I'll buy cookies for the party and drop them off at the school on my way home from the store.
* I'm going to eat half portions and get strength training in once a week at the minimum.


Health is very important, also up there is self-esteem. This is only the beginning to a great future, stay positive and you will make it through..

I've only address one part, that is your health and well-being.. I believe this is most important at this time.

Best Wishes,
~MannY

The advice I've been receiving is wonderful. I managed to take some baby steps today. I didn't call a chatline even once today. (So, this means I did not pretend to be a tiny blonde; I was myself all day.) I did a mountain of dishes and took out bags of trash. I took a shower after almost one week. I flossed and brushed after three days. I did not drink my usual two liters of Pepsi but instead drank two glasses of water and a cup of tea. I got two appetizers from my favorite Thai restaurant instead of getting bags of food from several fast food restaurants. I ate seven Debbie Cakes instead of ten. My goal for tomorrow is to go to work. I'm still building up the nerve to go to an OA meeting. As most of you have advised, I'm going to focus on my health first.

Oh, and a couple more positive things I did today: when that married guy called to talk dirty, I told him I was busy, hung up, and turned off my cell phone. Also, I woke up today around noon and have been awake all day. This is a huge accomplishment as I normally sleep away most of the day if I can. I know a lot of this doesn't seem like great strides, but they're victories nonetheless.

Hi Gem07,

I have been off the boards for a while... computer viruses, etc... lol, but I am up and running again finally. I have missed reading the posts here on the boards.

Your post really struck a chord with me. You have all the signs of clinical depression and you truly do need help. The very first step I would suggest is visiting a physician and telling him or her all the things that you have posted here. You may benefit from antidepressant therapy along with counseling. I am a registered nurse (though psychiatry is not my specialty). They can get you started on the right path to improving your life.

You do need to begin to help yourself as well, so congratulations on taking the first baby steps! When one is depressed, even minor things such as taking a shower truly do seem overwhelming. I have suffered from depression a few times in my life as well, namely after the breakups of two significant love relationships and after the deaths of both my parents within a year and a half of one another. I was 21 and 23 years old when my father and mother died respectively after illnesses. I dealt with the sick parent situation at a very young age. Their illnesses were nearly as taxing as the actual deaths were. But I did seek counseling and have taken prescription anti-depression medication a couple of times which helped me. I didn't want to "depend on a pill" so to speak, but sometimes life situations overwhelm us and we have to admit that we need help. You would be surprised how many seemingly "normal" people take anti-depressants regularly. Many of the most laid-back, friendly, married-with-kids, professional, successful people I know take them. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

As cliché as this sounds, you truly do need to start treating yourself better, stop punishing yourself, falling victim to the vicious cycle of self abuse, and as much as I hate to say it, start loving yourself. All other relationships in our life stem from this basic self love. In a wonderful book called "If Love is a Game, These are the Rules", by Cherie Carter-Scott (which I am currently reading), the first chapter deals with this all important truth. In this book, she writes:

"You need to learn how to give to yourself what you are seeking from another. The place from within you that generates self love is the exact same place that attracts love from others. Love creates love and when you love yourself, you open yourself to experience love from others (whether it comes from friends, coworkers, or a significant other)."

Perhaps think about this as you stated that you are lonely. You have to start with you. I truly believe that if you start with improving your self-esteem, your health and fitness, and work on your career and finances... other things that you seek will follow in time. Things won't change overnight, but you can simply start by saying, "Hey, things are a mess right now, but at least I'm going to be nice to and take care of myself for starters." This is going to be a long process, but you can do it. Remember... if you do nothing, nothing will change. Life is treating you the way you are treating yourself. Negativity attracts negativity as love attracts love. This is why something as simple as self esteem is so, so incredibly important. There are great books on improving self esteem (such as "The Self Esteem Workbook" and "The Everything Self Esteem Book". You should start reading one today! Make a trip to your local library or you can buy used books at very low prices on sites such as Amazon.com. They will be delivered right to your door (if you would feel too overwhelmed or even embarrassed to go to the library for these type of books right now.)

I know that your problems seem overwhelming and when you are depressed, you have no idea where to begin. You are likely to say, "forget it!" and curl back up to sleep and seek escape with the "drug" of the internet chats or food. I remember reading a quote about binge-eating disorder in a book somewhere and this particular saying stuck with me,
"If you use food as an attempt to cope with life's problems, the joke unfortunately is on you. Because the answers never have been and never will be there. If you don't do what is best for your body, you are the one who will pay the price." Keep this in mind the next time you are tempted to eat unhealthy foods when you are upset.

Please take some of the suggestions that people have offered here to heart and begin to try to help yourself. You know that you need help, so you are on the right track. You don't have to do it alone. Good luck to you.

I see you have reclaimed some of your power, Gem! I am just delighted for you. Keep building on each victory and let the failures slip through your fingers like sand. So far so good -- you've done really well.

The thing to remember about the OA meeting is that you can find real people there to connect with-- people who have done the things like you have done, people who will really understand and show you what they did to make it out of the madness, people you can call the next time you are being cornered by Debbie Cakes and want reinforcement and help.

While you have this forum, it is that much more powerful to have face-to-face support. I only suggested OA because of how much I think you will relate to them and vice versa but if you can find support in any other way too, go for it. You'll know when you are ready but don't wait until you aren't scared -- the definition of courage isn't lack of fear but being scared and doing it anyway.

Again, good progress, Gem, very good progress!

The advice I've been receiving is wonderful. I managed to take some baby steps today. I didn't call a chatline even once today. (So, this means I did not pretend to be a tiny blonde; I was myself all day.) I did a mountain of dishes and took out bags of trash. I took a shower after almost one week. I flossed and brushed after three days. I did not drink my usual two liters of Pepsi but instead drank two glasses of water and a cup of tea. I got two appetizers from my favorite Thai restaurant instead of getting bags of food from several fast food restaurants. I ate seven Debbie Cakes instead of ten. My goal for tomorrow is to go to work. I'm still building up the nerve to go to an OA meeting. As most of you have advised, I'm going to focus on my health first.

My God, that's awesome. Huge steps and you did it all in one day. Like I said before you are already better off then you were a week ago. I'm glad you mention the Pepsi because I used to do the same thing only much worse. Sadly, I used to drink 5 or 6 liters of Coke or Dr. Pepper in a day, starting with one right at breakfast. I eventually brought myself down to 1 and then weened myself off for pop for over a year. Occasionally I still have a can of diet Dr. Pepper just to get get a caffeine boost. The only thing that might happen is you might get a caffenine headache since you quit cold turkey. If not your doing great but if you have to ween yourself off that's fine just cut down the intake for a couple days until you only have a can.

I now drink one gallon of water every single day. How I do this is I get gallon jugs of drinking water from the supermarket (tap water in Florida is quite disgusting but if yours is fine don't even buy it) and I drink the gallon throughout the day. So at the end of the day I've got a empty gallon of water. But do you see what I really have done? I've dumbed this down for myself so that it's a no brainer. I just drink from the jug until it's gone. Drinking a gallon of water is not as hard as it sounds over the course of the day so and I highly recommend it. But not only is it healthy for you, flushes your system, removes debry from your body, has zero calories, but it putting water into your stomach stops hunger cravings.

Thank you again everyone. Your words are inspiring and powerful. You have no idea how much you're helping me. I'm crying as I type this, I feel like things can and will change.

I almost called my doctor today to book an appointment. Over a year ago, he'd asked me questions about my daily habits and I lied. I'd told him I sleep well, exercise, and rarely eat fast food! My BMI is 49 and he knew it. Anyway, this time, I will not lie to my doctor although it's going to be embarrassing to tell the truth.

I was close to calling in sick again but I remembered what all of you said about making things manageable. I thought about one task at a time (getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, fixing my hair). I even put on contacts and makeup. Before I knew it, I was at work.

The Pepsi headache was awful today. I took two aspirin and slept for four hours. I stopped at the grocery store for my usual bags of food and told myself, "Get anything you want but skip the Pepsi." I bought unhealthy fare (steak, macaroni and cheese) but threw in healthier items (broccoli, yogurt, water). I skipped the bakery. I only had one Debbie Cake today.

And instead of getting my usual from the deli (premade fatty meals; barbecued ribs; and egg, ham, potato, and chicken salads) I only got one thing: 1/4 lb. of dill red-skinned potato salad. I laughed when the deli worker handed me the container: it was so tiny! Usually, I'm handed heavy container after heavy container.

My poor eating habits began when I was 11. I'd ride my bike to the corner store with friends or siblings and buy a bottle of Coke and some candy. It was fun and harmless at first. But soon, I was going alone and buying fried chicken, candy bars, and cake frosting and eating in my locked bedroom. When I turned 16, I had a job and a car and I'd drive from one fast food restaurant to another to another. I'd stop at park or hotel dumpsters to throw away evidence. I was in good shape at this time (5'3" and 125 lbs.). By age 20, I was 175 lbs. and buying whole pies and cheesecakes and eating until I felt sick. And now, ten years later, the addiction's become a monster which has overtaken my mind/body.

Using food for comfort is an enormous crutch. When I've tried to stop eating and deal with life, I cannot. I absolutely need food. I feel like I'll die if I don't indulge. I'm sharing these thoughts to prepare myself for sharing them in real life soon.

For now, I've set aside my other problems: horrendous credit card bills, the phone sex relationship with a married man, my search for a better career, and being isolated and without friends. I'm going to tackle one thing at a time until life is good again. And dealing with just my mental/physical health is quite a monkey. He's been on my back for a very long time.

Its good to hear your getting yourself out of this. Doesn't it feel great to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel?



I almost called my doctor today to book an appointment. Over a year ago, he'd asked me questions about my daily habits and I lied. I'd told him I sleep well, exercise, and rarely eat fast food! My BMI is 49 and he knew it. Anyway, this time, I will not lie to my doctor although it's going to be embarrassing to tell the truth.


As far as that goes, you said he knew you lied last time, and shouldn't it be more embarrassing to get caught lying than to know you told the truth? You shouldn't worry aobut being embarrassed, because you are now working on changing it. As was said before, you are one of a small percentage who is doing something about the problems you are facing, and you should be proud of that, not embarrassed.

Don't think that your doctor hasn't dealt with people in your situation, or situations much worse before, I'm sure he has. Don't be so hard on yourself :)

Thank you again everyone. Your words are inspiring and powerful. You have no idea how much you're helping me. I'm crying as I type this, I feel like things can and will change.

And I can feel too. I sense your making progress. I sense your on a new path. You know, I'm sorry I didn't think of this sooner but check out this link for the “Law of Attraction” by Teaching.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/law-attraction-66643-5.html#post306009

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert but in that post I mention the movie “The Secret.” I've seen the movie twice now and I don't really understand the Law of Attraction to it's fullest such as Val or Bluerose but the basic premise is that you have to focus on positive things to get positive results. The movie is a documentary and it might be good for you to watch it and see about changing your focus. I don't have a good grasp of it, but it's a motivating movie if nothing else. Check out the link and see some of the positive feedback there, which might help you.


I almost called my doctor today to book an appointment. Over a year ago, he'd asked me questions about my daily habits and I lied. I'd told him I sleep well, exercise, and rarely eat fast food! My BMI is 49 and he knew it. Anyway, this time, I will not lie to my doctor although it's going to be embarrassing to tell the truth.

Gem, he's a doctor. He knows you were lying but what can he do force you to tell the truth? He's been lied to before and will be again it's part of the territory for them. Don't be embarrassed to take your life back and admit your not perfect. I might suggest writing all your symptoms or concerns down before hand and if you get embarrassed or forget you can just hand him the list of concerns. I think your doctor would be proud of you for taking a stand and concern about this and not look down on you at all. I bet if you were to ask him, and in fact I think you should ask him, “Do you wish everybody took stand and made changes like I'm doing?” I guarantee his answer is yes.


I was close to calling in sick again but I remembered what all of you said about making things manageable. I thought about one task at a time (getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, fixing my hair). I even put on contacts and makeup. Before I knew it, I was at work.

There you go. One piece at a time and the rest fall into place.


The Pepsi headache was awful today. I took two aspirin and slept for four hours.

Those caffeine withdrawal headaches are horrible! I'm nervous to suggest this because your making such great progress but if it reoccurs today you might want to drink some Pepsi but just not the full 2 liters. If you can wean yourself off you won't feel the headaches.


I stopped at the grocery store for my usual bags of food and told myself, "Get anything you want but skip the Pepsi." I bought unhealthy fare (steak, macaroni and cheese) but threw in healthier items (broccoli, yogurt, water). I skipped the bakery. I only had one Debbie Cake today.

That a girl, small steps to a giant leap. Also if you going to eat at fast food places Wendy's has great salads. And you don't have to do this yet if your feeling like it's rushed but you can start preparing meals at home for work and save some money to apply to your bills. Also I'm going to recommend the protein shake again. I shop at Vitamin World and they have 5lbs (and actually less then 5 lbs) of various proteins for anywhere from $25 to $80. But if you can get a decent one for $25 it usually has about 75 to 90 servings in it so it's cheaper then it sounds. As I said, you can make smoothie's, mix it with milk, or water but it really fills you up which is what I love about it.

Also if you have a schedule that allows it, you and you can prepare healthy meals in advance then you can actually increase your meals up to 5 or 6 a day in smaller portions as this actually increases your metabolism. Not something you have to jump into right now, but something you might want to think about incorporating into your life at some point.


My poor eating habits began when I was 11. I'd ride my bike to the corner store with friends or siblings and buy a bottle of Coke and some candy. It was fun and harmless at first. But soon, I was going alone and buying fried chicken, candy bars, and cake frosting and eating in my locked bedroom. When I turned 16, I had a job and a car and I'd drive from one fast food restaurant to another to another. I'd stop at park or hotel dumpsters to throw away evidence. I was in good shape at this time (5'3" and 125 lbs.). By age 20, I was 175 lbs. and buying whole pies and cheesecakes and eating until I felt sick. And now, ten years later, the addiction's become a monster which has overtaken my mind/body.

Using food for comfort is an enormous crutch. When I've tried to stop eating and deal with life, I cannot. I absolutely need food. I feel like I'll die if I don't indulge. I'm sharing these thoughts to prepare myself for sharing them in real life soon.

Well that stuff works as a teenager, as you point out, because our metabolism is running on high. But as we get older the eating habits stay the same but the body changes. Gem, you are in the MAJORITY of Americans who this happens too. Even if you were in the minority it's good that you can trace it back and find it's source. That being said you have to forgive that 11 year old because she didn't know any better just like all 11 years olds don't know the complexities of the human body or what food, especially in our fast food culture does to the human body. You created some habits as a child because you didn't know you were creating them. Now as an adult you can create some positive habits that will influence your life but you have an advantage as an adult in that you know what your doing so you can actually focus on it.




For now, I've set aside my other problems: horrendous credit card bills, the phone sex relationship with a married man, my search for a better career, and being isolated and without friends. I'm going to tackle one thing at a time until life is good again. And dealing with just my mental/physical health is quite a monkey. He's been on my back for a very long time.

I like your strategy one thing at a time, piece by piece.

Also on a personal note, your not isolated or without friends anymore, you've got all of us here standing beside you. Welcome aboard.

I'm reading and rereading everyone's answers again for strength. I tried to call a chatline today but it was busy for a long time, so I took a nap.

I've been conscious of what I've been eating the last few days. I skipped breakfast instead of getting a #2 from McDonald's (Sausage McMuffin, hash browns, and a Coke). I had a can of Slim-Fast for lunch. Alone in my apartment after work, I ate barbecued chicken, macaroni salad, Diet Vernor's, and a Payday candy bar. After my four-hour nap, I ate broiled steak, broccoli, cheesy rice, more Diet Vernor's, and a Debbie Cake. This is much better than what I usually eat. I normally consume an entire cake and eat several additional meals.

The married comedian left me a voicemail saying he's booked a gig in my city in August (he's on the West Coast, I'm on the East). Last night I told him I'd been breaking into his wife's cell phone to check her messages and, less than 24 hours later, her number's changed. So much for me, his "true love." He fiercely protects her and it hurts. I know on a logical/rational level that this whole situation is immoral, unethical, and a dead-end, but on an emotional level, it's difficult.

He calls daily and makes me feel important. He came to visit once and I was the chauffeur for him and his friend to/from comedy gigs and he'd buy me dinner at Denny's at to a.m. He showed me his wedding ring with his wife's name engraved. I cried nonstop at the airport when he left. It must have been quite a sight: morbidly obese single woman sobbing as skinny, married comedian leaves to go back to his family. That was the one and only time in four years he came to see me.

Lately, I want to fly to his city but only because I'm dying to know what his wife looks like. I know her ethnic background and have an image in my head. I imagine getting a ticket, flying there, renting a car, sitting outside their house, seeing her, flying home. Is she pretty? Is she skinny? Is her hair long and curly like he claims? Is she feminine in her walk? Does she wear dresses, heels, jewelry, makeup? Or is she a tomboy like he claims?

I hate being so wrapped up in this. I'm obsessed. I know it's phone sex, but he makes me feel special. I fear that once I've let him go, I'll never mentally connect with anyone again.. . I initially thought all of you would focus on this situation (which is why I posted in Relationships). But the spotlight was shone on my physical health and mental outlook. That surprised me, but it makes sense.

I called and asked him why his wife has a new number. He wouldn't tell me. It turned into an argument. I said my usual: I'm sick of you, Focus on your family, Stop calling me, Don't call me again, This is just phone sex, You're a liar, Your actions show you love her, I'm tired of all your talk, I don't want to talk to you again, I never want to see you again, You don't care about me, I have to protect myself from you, You're mean, Stop calling at for a.m. Get marriage counseling, You need help, etc.

After the call, I ate a bologna sandwich with some Diet Vernor's.

Hi Gem.

Congratulations on working on your eating habits! 3 cheers! You seem to be still taking baby steps, which is great.

You wrote that you are surprised that we all focused on your health and self esteem in our replies to you rather than on your situation with the married man. Personally, I want you to focus first on straightening out your life and your health because I truly believe that your involvement in this situation (with the married internet man) is a by-product of your depression and critically low self-esteem. I truly think that he is really more of a distraction, an escape, or "drug" so to speak to escape from how unhappy you are in your reality.

Therefore, if you improve your self-esteem and your reality, I don't think that you will find yourself needing all of these vices and escapes. Make any sense? If you felt good about you and properly valued yourself, you wouldn't settle for so little from a man. You said that he makes you feel good about yourself and you are afraid of never connecting with someone again. Right now you probably don't feel that you deserve any better than this. Again, by-product of YOUR low self-esteem. Others treat us the way we treat ourselves. You are treating yourself like you don't matter, like you don't respect yourself, like you don't love yourself, like you are nothing... is the treatment you are you getting from men reflecting that? I think that it is.

And please don't feel tempted to fly out to spy on this married man's wife. Forget that. What matters here is you and your life (not to minimize her plight with a cheating husband to deal with, but the focus here is you). That is what needs to be fixed first. Okay? Don't waste your time and money with that. Spend your money on your bills, purchasing some self -esteem books, healthy foods, a visit to a physician, some exercise DVDs or a membership to a women's workout facility. Invest in YOUR worth rather than your insecurity. Hang in there girl!

Southern belle.

Gem, you are a brave and beautiful person. So many times people post here, get some good advice, and disappear back into the fog of their delusion, depression or whatever. But you are taking real actions with real benefits that are building up momentum toward finding the real you that has been hiding under this mountain of doubt and denial.

I am so proud of you. You are providing inspiration to more people than you even know. Lots of people lurk and read these threads without ever posting, so your example of how to reclaim your life and your real self is here for others who feel as you did to benefit from.

It's also a big boost for those who give good advice to have someone take it and apply it and make real changes for the better instead of making excuses about why they can't do it or it won't work for them. So thank you for that as well. Hang in there, and do keep us posted. It's so exciting and rewarding to see your rebirth.

You are doing what you can, I am proud of you and these are some very good things Gem.

There are two things I would like you to think about which may cause some unnecessary stumbling.

One is your recovery doesn't seem very organized or structured which is understandable in the beginning but it can be helped out a lot by more of a plan. It helps to know first things first and it also helps to not take on too much too soon, thereby avoiding two of the most common places to derail-- confusion and overload.

Secondly, the longer you do this with just us as support the longer you are still really missing out on what a face-to-face healthy connection can offer you. I know this is a really big step. Connecting with your doctor, a counselor, an old friend or a member of some sort of support group can make the difference between success and failure. I don't want you to feel nagged about this so I won't say anything more than this, just please give this a fair shake in your thoughts too, okay?

PS - Just to be certain I was recommending a good thing, I dropped in at a local OA meeting yesterday to ask some questions. I met a wonderfully kind woman who assured me that my "friend" would be very very welcome despite anything she may have done. There were people, mostly women, of all shapes and sizes.

Your not his wife, Gem. Your not really his girlfriend. Your just someone for him to toy around with and you’ve got more value then that.


Lately, I want to fly to his city but only because I'm dying to know what his wife looks like. I know her ethnic background and have an image in my head. I imagine getting a ticket, flying there, renting a car, sitting outside their house, seeing her, flying home. Is she pretty? Is she skinny? Is her hair long and curly like he claims? Is she feminine in her walk? Does she wear dresses, heels, jewelry, makeup? Or is she a tomboy like he claims?

Why does any of the matter? What would any of that prove or do for you?


I hate being so wrapped up in this. I'm obsessed.

You said it. Your obsessed. Now I really think you should see that movie, “the secret” that is in that is the subject in that other thread. In the movie and what the law of attraction is based on is the idea that what you focus on is what life gives you. If you focus on “my life is full of bad luck” then you get a life full of bad luck. If you focus on “I have huge debt” you get more debt. While your focus is on this guy almost out of habit. While you can change your focus and change your habits.

You said a few posts back this was a new way of thinking for you. You were so correct. You have habits or “beliefs” (read the book I told you by Robert Dilts because he goes into this) that have lead you to this point. Those can be changed and new beliefs and new habits can be formed. But you have to consciously bring your focus to something else besides that guy or phone sex. When you think of those things you have to consciously direct your mind elsewhere. I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy because the brain runs your life in an unconscious way so that you can focus on you day to day life but always brings itself back to those beliefs or habits. But to change them you have to be conscious about it.

I’ve even had conversations with myself, where I said “that particular belief was great for that era in my life but I need to change it to this belief now.” This doesn’t work on the first attempt, you have to keep working at it but eventually you will change.


I know it's phone sex, but he makes me feel special. I fear that once I've let him go, I'll never mentally connect with anyone again. ... I initially thought all of you would focus on this situation (which is why I posted in Relationships). But the spotlight was shone on my physical health and mental outlook. That surprised me, but it makes sense.

Exactly. SouthernBelle covered that and said it much better then I can. But your guy friend from the phone line won’t be there with you forever, but your mental and physical health will be. Worry about that now and as you improve in the coming weeks, months, and years the rest of the emotional crutches will fall away.

I find myself here for strength once again. I was up until 3 a.m. fretting and worrying about life and love. I called in sick to work again. I secured a second job as a phone actress (AKA phone sex operator).

I drove toward the 7 p.m. OA meeting today and couldn't go. I kept driving straight to a fast-food joint, unfortunately. My food intake was terrible today: half a veggie pizza, BBQ chicken wings, a liter of Sprite, one Debbie Cake, a Burger King chicken sandwich, two cookies, a cherry slushee... God knows what else.

My married phone pal called and said he can't wait to see me in August. I told him I wouldn't be in town and I had to go because I had a date. Yeah, right. Anyway, he hung up on me and then called back to ask when I'd be home. I said 10:00. He called several times at 10:00 but I didn't answer; I continued eating pizza and laying on my couch. I called Verizon to change my cell number today so he'd be unable to reach me, but I changed my mind.

Valinor, I cannot believe you went to an OA meeting for me! That's so kind, I'm speechless. They have meetings every single day here. I will try again this weekend. I live in a large metropolitan city and there are meetings on every corner. Lots of overeaters in the Midwest, apparently. There's one meeting, and I find this so funny, right behind a McDonald's! It reminds me of the time I joined Weight Watcher's several years ago (I was 200 lbs. at the time) and went straight from the meeting to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

I have a week off work coming up soon, so I'm going to schedule doctor's visits, dentist's visits, optometrist's visits, etc. for that time. I'm looking forward to reporting on tangible results. There have been some, but they're not dramatic yet.

Chuff, I like the way you expressed ideas about emotional crutches. I have lots of those, indeed.

Southernbelle, I'll invest in my worth and not my insecurity. You're right. But, I would LOVE to know what she looks like! Does anyone here live in Seattle? Would you be willing to run a quick errand for me? Just kidding. No, I'm not. I wish I knew someone out there who could run by her house and take her photo and FedEx it to me. I know that sounds sick, but I'm aching to know what this woman looks like. I need to get a grip.

I find myself here for strength once again.

You've found a good place for strength. I also like that you putting everything down because writing (or in this case typing) it out is a great way to see what your really doing.


I was up until 3 a.m. fretting and worrying about life and love. I called in sick to work again. I secured a second job as a phone actress (AKA phone sex operator).

Gem, how can you keep your job if you call in all the time?

Secondly, getting a second job is okay if you want to start working on the bills but getting one as a phone sex operator is not condusive to providing you with the long term results your seeking, as far as removing yourself from that scene.


I drove toward the 7 p.m. OA meeting today and couldn't go. I kept driving straight to a fast-food joint, unfortunately. My food intake was terrible today: half a veggie pizza, BBQ chicken wings, a liter of Sprite, one Debbie Cake, a Burger King chicken sandwich, two cookies, a cherry slushee ... God knows what else.

Well I saw a lot of positives in the above quote that I think you've overlooked and aren't giving yourself credit for.

The first is you drove to OA meeting. True, you may not have gone inside,
1. Made the decision to leave your apartment.
2. Got ready.
3. Actually left the apartment.
4. Drove to the destination.

Now for a woman, who by her own admission just a week ago didn't leave her apartment unless it was to get food, you made progress by actually driving to OA. If you have to drive by it a couple times go ahead. If you have to pull into the parking lot and but not go inside do that. But you've already got momemtum going so use it until you walk in the meeting. The Gem of last week would not have got off the couch so start giving yourself credit when you take positive steps.

As for the relapse in food I want you to think about something. You stated in an earlier post that you've been eating like this for 15 years as a result of habits you developed as a child. So you've been doing this for 15 years and in the last 4 days you've cut down your food intake before today's relapse. Fifteen years of bad habits and you hung in there for 4 days. Not bad. Now let's just see if you can up it to 5 days. Don't make a lifetime commitment, just 5 days of eating healthier.

I think some would read the above and I think they way you wrote it suggested that is was a huge setback where I see it as a huge step forward. Your not at your destination, but this wouldn't have happened a week ago. Four days of cutting down you food intake and leaving and driving to OA are already improvements from where you were just 7 days ago.

Gem, I feel for you. I really do. I really think that you want to change, you dream of change, but a part of you is not willing to give up your "crutches" and addictions. They are like a security blanket for you. The ironic comfort zone which is "misery" for you. It's somehow working for you.

I am not a huge Dr. Phil fan, but I do know that he says "people do what works". Living the life you are living is serving some purpose for you, whether it is allowing you to hide from life, excuse yourself from responsibility for your own life, feel sorry for yourself, or (and I hate to say this) continuing to be lazy. I know that change is difficult and overwhelming. It's easier to just say "forget it" and keep doing what you are doing. That's the "easy" way. We can give you all the advice in the world, Gem, but the decision to follow it is entirely up to you. I think that you will only begin to make a change when you gain enough respect for yourself that this lifestyle isn't working for you anymore. Necessity facilitates change (or maybe it's invention... but same concept).

I fear that you are going to keep doing what you are doing until you are terminated from your job, lose your apartment, have your heart broken even worse by this man, and are diagnosed with diabetes or worse. As a nurse, I can't even begin to tell you the health problems I see that are weight and diabetes related, directly brought on by poor diets. I'm sure that you are aware of the health risks of your behavior, but still are finding it difficult to stop. It's like telling a smoker about the health risks of their behavior. They are aware, but still don't stop until they are diagnosed with an illness. Then it is too late.

It's almost as if you want to see what this man's wife looks like so you can compare yourself to her and feel even worse about yourself. It's like your soul is seeking to punish itself even worse. You need to stop this self hatred, Gem, or it's just going to spiral worse and worse for you. This new phone sex job... I think it's just another way of escape for you. It will isolate you further from reality.

I wish I could give you a hug Gem and be a friend to you and go work out with you! As val stated, you really do need structured help because when you try to do it on your own, you can tend to have setbacks when things don't go right. Think long and hard Gem. You are on the verge of making change. Keep making those baby steps!

I have great news to report... I went to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting today! I bought the 12-step book and got additional literature, exchanged phone numbers with an OA member, and shared some of my experiences with the group. All of that happened today, in real life! I actually broke out of my fantasy world of talking on the phone with strange men and indulging in artery-clogging foods and did something healthy!

I had planned to go a meeting on Thursday but drove past and went to Burger King instead. (The irony!) On Saturday morning, I skipped the 10:30 a.m. meeting and decided to sleep in. I was feeling sluggish and lethargic. But I was bound and determined to make it to the 7:30 p.m. meeting. I showered, got dressed, put on my contacts, makeup, did my hair, etc. Heck, I even did my nails.

I almost didn't go in when I pulled into the lot, I was terrified. Absolutely frozen solid terrified. I sat in the parking lot, saw all the cars, couldn't get out. I didn't want to be the fattest person there. I didn't want to walk in and have everyone picture me overeating with grease stains on my shirt. I didn't want to be judged. I didn't want everyone to know that I'm struggling terribly. I finally decided to just go in and see what it was about. And I'm so glad I did. Everyone was friendly and open and welcoming. We read from Ch. 1 of the 12-step book and then everyone shared experiences. If you didn't want to read or didn't want to share, you just said, "Pass" and they skipped you. When you talk, no one interrupts or interjects thoughts, you just talk and then you're thanked for sharing. No one evaluates or critiques what you've said. People will nod as you talk, but no one says a word. They encouraged me to go to six meetings before deciding whether the program was for me.

This is a big step for me. Huge. I fought so much fear. You have no idea what a big hurdle it was to get out of my car and walk up to that door and ring that doorbell. I wanted to jump back in my car and zoom off to the Krispy Kreme drive-thru for a dozen custard-filled chocolate glazed.

The woman I exchanged numbers with invited me to a meeting at a different location where there will be a speaker. So, I definitely plan to go! That's my next goal and I know I can do it. I'm not going to plan for next month, I'll just plan to go to that meeting and see what happens. Thursday at 6:00.

I have not forgotten about the advice to seek counseling and therapy for what a lot of you have said sounds like depression. I have no idea how to go about finding a counselor/therapist/social worker/psychologist/psychiatrist/etc. Who do I seek out? I'm not convinced that I'm depressed... I just don't like the sound of it, quite honestly... but I'm here for assistance and if that's the general consensus, there's no harm in sitting down and talking to a professional. I'm not seeing clearly in this fog of exhaustion.

My married phone pal called today, of course, and I tuned him out while he yapped about how important I am to him. I care about you yap yap yap, we'll be together one day yap yap yap, I love you yap yap yap. He says all that yet blocks his number when he calls and I'm forbidden to call his house and he's only seen me once in four years. I do not believe that's love. I use fatty and/or sugary foods as an escape; he's using me for an escape, too (and vice versa). I kept repeating "You're married" whenever he said anything and he said, "Just drop my status for a minute and see me as a human being with feelings." I told him I didn't want to have phone sex with him and he said, "No one will ever make you feel as good as I do." He reminded me that he'll be in town on Aug. 22 and wants to see me. I told him if he's married when he shows up, I won't be seeing him. He said that there's no harm in meeting a friend for dinner. He's got an answer for everything. He's the devil in disguise.

For now, I'm going to tackle one demon at a time. One moment at a time.

For now, I'm going to tackle one demon at a time. One moment at a time.
You've got the right approach here--slow and steady, eyes on the prize. I'm really glad to hear that you've confronted the demon of fear and gone to the OA meeting. It will be SO helpful to have kindred spirits close at hand for support and reinforcement.

By the way, something I've noticed from the beginning about your posts--you write really well. This is a talent and a skill that is in short supply in the world, and it has real value. You haven't said what kind of work you do, but if it doesn't make use of this talent of yours, you have opportunities for advancement that you may not have thought about.

Good for you Gem! I truly hope that you will give OA a chance to begin to improve your life. You may even make some friends there. Remember that everyone there is going through the same thing that you are, so don't hesitate to keep going to the meetings. I really hope that this is just the beginning of happiness for you. It's good to see you beginning to take charge and take responsibility for your happiness rather than living as a "poor me" victim. As someone said to me the other day, either you run your life or it runs you. Keep us posted on your progress. Again, way to go Gem!

Thank you for your support, everyone! And thanks for the compliments on my writing; it is something I absolutely love to do. It's what I would do full-time. It makes me incredibly happy.

A friend who lives thousands of miles away (and who I've never even met) called today and insisted I call a mental health professional immediately after hearing details of what's been going on. She was happy to hear I'd reached out to OA, but she agreed with everyone here that it's serious depression and needs to be addressed. So, I'm calling tomorrow as it's too late to make an appointment now. After I set up the appointment, my friend wants me to phone her with the day/time.

OK, I've taken my next big step. I made an appointment with a PhD psychologist for Thursday after work. The phone evaluation was about 20 minutes.

My biggest problem is going to be being completely honest with the doctor. I have a habit of hiding certain habits (like my phone sex addiction, food addiction, phone relationship with the married guy, etc.). There are things that I just don't share with anyone face-to-face because I know they're wrong and show my true character. Maybe I'll make a list of issues and just hand it to the doc.

Thanks again for the support and the gentle nudges in the right direction. I refuse to live my whole life this way.

Congratulations Gem. So proud of you! If it helps any, I work in the health care profession and no matter what you are afraid of telling your doctor or therapist, trust me, he or she has likely heard it before and will not make you feel badly about it. Using the list is a good idea if you feel shy about opening up face to face. I think that they will understand the things that you are doing though. They are a symptom of a bigger problem which needs to be addressed. I really don't think that they will be as surprised as you seem to think :o

Also, before I went to counseling and took antidepressants for a short time after my mother's death, I pretty much had a complete crying, nervous breakdown in my doctor's office : ) I told her all the negative things I was going through and what I was doing to cope as a result and that I knew I needed help. She didn't make me feel badly at all. It actually felt good to let all the negative emotions out to someone and cry and say, "hey what do I need to do now?" I am so grateful that I took those steps when I did so I didn't go into a negative spiral. Everyone in life has problems and goes through hard times Gem. What matters is our reactions to them. It's good to see you take a stand and say "I refuse to live this way any longer." Good for you.

OK, I've taken my next big step. I made an appointment with a PhD psychologist for Thursday after work. The phone evaluation was about 20 minutes.

Nice work.


My biggest problem is going to be being completely honest with the doctor. I have a habit of hiding certain habits (like my phone sex addiction, food addiction, phone relationship with the married guy, etc.). There are things that I just don't share with anyone face-to-face because I know they're wrong and show my true character. Maybe I'll make a list of issues and just hand it to the doc.

Wow, before I read that last sentence I was actually going to suggest just that approach. That's a fabulous idea not only because of the reason you stated but doctors in general tend to make people nervous and if you even intended to say everything you might forget. The list is the way to go.


Thanks again for the support and the gentle nudges in the right direction. I refuse to live my whole life this way.

I see your also answering some other posts. I have to tell that's how I (and I assume many others) wound up here. I had a problem, got some advice and then just started reading over all the issues and advice on this board from real life situations. This site is a great learning tool, and a bit addictive but you can really find a lot of motivation and education here.

I went to see a psychologist today. He's not a quick fix. He said he'd like to see me once a week. He was kind of quiet and asking questions, taking notes. Maybe I expected something different? Like a list of things to do to fix my issues? I don't know. He said he's there to help carry the burden. He said he can give me a list of to-do's if I want.

A friend thinks I need to take a leave from work, take anti-depressants, continue to see the counselor, dump the comedian, and quit the phone sex job. But I don't know. I want to just take things one step at a time. I'm seeing the therapist. I'd like him to guide me. He doesn't seem like a perfect match for me, but it's only been one session. My next appt. is April 16. I thought I'd give it a few sessions before I search for someone else.

Does anyone here think that talk therapy combined with diet/exercise and fresh air would help? I'm reluctant to go on meds. The psychologist said he doesn't see a reason for them and that the problems I listed are manageable. But my friend insists that I'm clinically depressed and the only way out is medication coupled with counseling. I'm getting a bit confused. I'm not suicidal, just mentally exhausted and worn out. I don't know. I haven't been to work all week; I really planned to go today but woke up at 3 a.m. and was still wide awake when my alarm rang at 6:30 a.m. I called in sick and was up until 9 a.m. I think I just need a schedule and need to stick to it. I don't know if I can talk myself out of this slump.

Does anyone here think that talk therapy combined with diet/exercise and fresh air would help? I'm reluctant to go on meds. The psychologist said he doesn't see a reason for them and that the problems I listed are manageable. But my friend insists that I'm clinically depressed and the only way out is medication coupled with counseling. I'm getting a bit confused. I'm not suicidal, just mentally exhausted and worn out. I don't know.
Your psychologist is far better qualified than your friend or any of us here at AMHD to diagnose and prescribe. If you're reluctant to go on meds and your therapist doesn't think they're necessary, don't let your friend stampede you into it. I think you're right to give it a few sessions before you decide whether this therapist is the right one. One step at a time, one day at a time.


I haven't been to work all week; I really planned to go today but woke up at 3 a.m. and was still wide awake when my alarm rang at 6:30 a.m. I called in sick and was up until 9 a.m. I think I just need a schedule and need to stick to it. I don't know if I can talk myself out of this slump.
A schedule and a routine is good. Some days will be easier than others, but maintaining an orderly life and following through on your commitments will help to get through the bad days. Calling in sick every time you feel bad or don't sleep well just gives you more time to brood and gets your biorhythms even more out of whack. You've made some great progress. Don't get discouraged, just keep facing in the direction you want to go, and gather your strength for the next step. That next step is the only one you have to think about.

In a lot of ways your more the norm than the exception !

Everyone, Everyone hates there job... Anyting that you do, that you do not do for fun is something you are forced to do against your will and if that thing is monotonus with no satisfaction or reward (because your thieving gypsy boss, steals your pay).

Being overweight is very hard to deal with for lots of reasons, but its also very easy to deal with as well. Think of your body in the same way as a car (bear with me). Your car fuel tank is empty, you need to go on a short journey so you do you

A : Put £50 of petrol in it, fill the tank so that you are carring excess fuel that will never be used and slows down the performance of the car

B: Put £5 of petrol in because that is all the car needs to do the journey

Its B isn't it ! Now your body is the same, during your day to day activities you only use so much fuel, so you only need so much fuel, but if you fill your mouth with loads more fuel than you need, your body stores this -- it does not have an overflow like your fuel tank. (Imagine your car not having this and every time you overfilled the car got fatter)

So the key is to consume only the ammout of food to give you the fuel necessary for the day. (Sounds Easy).

Well it is and It isn't : Your body is used to a certain amount of intake, your stomack is large due to this intack, so when it is empty it takes a lot of food for it to feel full, way too much than you need.

So Instead of a crash diet that leaves you craving for food or a calorie controlled diet that leaves you constantly thinking about food, which has an adverse affect.

Simply cut down on the size of the portions you eat and have lots of small meals dureing the day, in which case you will not feel hungry. Also incrase the amount of energy outtake your body needs so that it will use up the stored fuel. Build up a reduction in food intack and an increase in exercise.

Low Self esteem and depression caused by lonliness is very hard, You have made a major step to recognising what your issues are. By improving your appearance yourself esteem will improve.

Big victory today: I made it to work! I called in sick Monday to Thursday but forced myself to go Friday. I treated myself to a mocha latte on the way. I drove right past work (on purpose) and was going to keep driving, but forced myself to turn around and go back. Three supervisors spoke to me about my chronic absenteeism and I said, "I've had some health issues but everything's under control and I'm happy to be back." I just kept saying "I'm happy to be back" all day to anyone who asked. At the end of the day, I closed my office door and cried. But I made it!

I've been reading about the Good Mood Diet and am going to buy the book today. Perhaps I feel badly because I eat badly? I'm going to experiment with this diet and see if it affects my mood. I just want to feel better. Maybe my diet of fatty and sugary foods is depressing?

First things first, you need to set your priorities straight, according to you, what's the most important and work on that, do little by little until each priority is straight, 2nd brush your teeth and change your clothes... that's not hard to do, you're a grown WOMAN, 3rd, eating and sleepnig a lot are signs of depression and funny thing is food makes you feel better but at the same time, if you're over-weight, it backfires, cut back on junk food, munch on veggies and fruits and walk around a lot, its hard to work out when you're over-weight, so by doing simple things like eating properly and walking or dancing, you can loose weight. When you make an effort to look nice, people make an effort to talk to you, so present yourself in a way you would like people to see you and trust me, u'll make friends. Also, instead of coming home and sleeping, come home and clean your living room and eat an apple, then the next day, come home and clean the kitchen and eat an orange, etc. see the pattern? By the end of the week, you've cleaned 5 different rooms in your house and eaten something healthy and good. Wish you lived close, so I could take you out for a girls night and help you get yourself together, good luck girl, if you push yourself, you'll make it, and by the way, 90% of us hate our jobs.

Congratulations Gem. I'm so glad to see that you are still trying to improve your life. Congratulations on seeing the psychologist too. By all means get the Good Mood Diet book! Our minds and bodies are connected. If our bodies don't feel good (by us feeding them with junk all the time) of course we won't feel good mentally. I hope you bought it and will start today! It's probably the perfect plan for you.

About your job: keep going to work! A good work ethic is something that will not only earn the respect of others, but will improve your own self respect as well. If you truly don't like your job, grin and bear it for the moment and take steps to find more fulfilling work in your downtime. Keep in mind that it won't improve your work environment if you call off all the time. Your boss and coworkers will come to look at you as someone who is unreliable, and irresponsible. This will make your work environment worse for YOU. You see? It will also harm your chances of a good reference for future jobs.

I agree with texxxas. Most of us either don't like our jobs or have aspects of it that we don't like. My job is very stressful and demanding and downright exhausting, but still I rarely miss a day unless I am truly sick and visit a doctor.

You know what motivates me to go to work when I don't feel like going?

1. I have bills to pay. Late bills, unpaid bills... well that will add to any misery I may already have.

2. I want the respect of my bosses and coworkers. I want them to feel that I am a valuable part of the team and that they can count on me to be responsible for my shifts. I don't want people saying, "Southern Belle is unreliable and didn't show up AGAIN. She made the shift harder on the rest of us." I know that having my boss and coworkers feel that way about me certainly won't help me in the long run.

3. I want a good job record in case I decide to change jobs in the future. I want a good reference from my boss.

Keep up the good work Gem. Hey, I want to go on that girls' night out too : )

I am a single woman and am suffering a lot lately due to poor decisions I've made. I'm in a job I hate. My parents are elderly and sick. I'm 5'3" and almost 260 pounds. I eat constantly. I sleep after work until night time, then I wake up and eat. I call phone sex lines to talk to men. I've been talking to a married man for years on the phone and am obsessed with him. I figured out his wife's passcode on her cell phone and I've been calling her phone to find messages from him. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel stuck. I wear the same thing for days in a row. Sometimes I don't brush my teeth. I'm so down lately and don't know how to get out of this mess. I live alone in an apartment and have no friends. Please give me some guidance on what I should do, or where I should start. My apartment is a mess. I have bill collectors that call constantly. I haven't been to a doctor in months and am due for a yearly physical and have various problems that need to be addressed. Thanks for your assistance. I want a normal life but feel trapped.
All of the external issues that you are enduring (i.e. weight gain, unhealthy relationships, ect) are a direct reflection of an internal and emotional problem. Interesting, you stated your problem and that you recognize your unhealthy habits and what they are doing to you. Now, you must decide to WANT to change. You've made the first step. Now seek medical attention first and ask your physician if he/she can refer you to any counselors that you can speak with about how you are feeling. Don't be alarmed if your doctor suggests putting you on anti-depressents for the short-term to pull you out of your depressive state. Also look at the benefits at your job to determine the mental health options that are available that are free to you for at least 8 sessions. It doesn't mean that you are crazy but need an outlet to help you organize your thoughts, issues, etc. If you don't like the counselor you see after the FIRST meeting, then leave and ask for someone else. Counselors won't get offended because they want you to get the help you need and they know that their style of helping people doesn't work for everyone.

I went to see my primary care physician today to get his take on my feelings of late. He believes that my weight and poor sleeping habits are causing my exhaustion and feelings of being overwhelmed (not vice versa, as I thought). He prescribed an appetite suppressant for slow weight loss (4-5 lbs. a month) and said that at the end of a year, with 40-50 lbs. gone, I should see changes. He said the endless cycle of dieting, ups and downs with weight, wins and losses, etc. are causing my mental fatigue.

So, if what he's telling me is true, then that means I'm not clinically depressed and that it's just a matter of willpower? That puts a new spin on things. Does this mean I'm just lazy and unmotivated? I don't know. I'm going to make an appointment with a psychiatrist too to get his/her opinion as well. This low that I'm feeling right now is the lowest I've ever felt my entire life and I'm going to fix this problem while I have the resources (job with health insurance) to do it. I may have spent the first part of my life running and hiding, but the next phase will be different. I'm definitely going to stick with the psychologist, too.

If you look back over the past quite a few days, I think it would be hard for anyone to call you lazy and unmotivated. Sure, its possible that the problems may have started because of lack of motivation, but that is long in the past.

Look at what you have accomplished, and the progress you made. Clearly you didn't do that by being lazy and unmotivated :)

I went to see a psychologist today. He's not a quick fix. He said he'd like to see me once a week. He was kind of quiet and asking questions, taking notes. Maybe I expected something different? Like a list of things to do to fix my issues? I don't know. He said he's there to help carry the burden. He said he can give me a list of to-do's if I want.

Well, I’ve been gone for a few days and look at all the progress you’ve made. Really encouraging and motivating just reading it. As you said he’s not a quick fix, but you can start creating good habits for the long haul now. Look at all the progress you’ve made in just a couple weeks, if you keep going at this rate just think where you’ll be in a year!


A friend thinks I need to take a leave from work, take anti-depressants, continue to see the counselor, dump the comedian, and quit the phone sex job. But I don't know. I want to just take things one step at a time. I'm seeing the therapist. I'd like him to guide me. He doesn't seem like a perfect match for me, but it's only been one session. My next appt. is April 16. I thought I'd give it a few sessions before I search for someone else.

I think your friend is right and wrong.

Right:

Leaving work, I say you should actually step it up. At this point it’s something solid and consistent in your life. Even if you hate the job it’s a place that you go that gets you out of the house. If you hate it so much that you can’t go get another job.

Continue seeing the counselor.

Dump the comedian. Besides he’s not that funny. If you make a bad joke about a comedian what does that say about me?

Quit the phone sex job.

Wrong:

Taking the anti-depressants are what you feel comfortable doing with the advice of your doctor.

But all that being said, as you say if you have to take it slow as not to “shock your system” then I recommend that above all else.


Does anyone here think that talk therapy combined with diet/exercise and fresh air would help? I'm reluctant to go on meds. The psychologist said he doesn't see a reason for them and that the problems I listed are manageable. But my friend insists that I'm clinically depressed and the only way out is medication coupled with counseling. I'm getting a bit confused. I'm not suicidal, just mentally exhausted and worn out. I don't know. I haven't been to work all week; I really planned to go today but woke up at 3 a.m. and was still wide awake when my alarm rang at 6:30 a.m. I called in sick and was up until 9 a.m. I think I just need a schedule and need to stick to it. I don't know if I can talk myself out of this slump.

I think diet is huge. Just getting off soda and drinking a gallon of water everyday was something that made me feel better in about 3 days. Fresh air and walking clears your mind. If your doctor says that medicine is not needed at this time then follow that for now. Maybe you will both change your mind in a few months or maybe you’ll have a new doctor. But you’ve made so much progress with out meds so far. I don’t think you need them. You dong fabulously without so far.

Things I did this week that are good for me: I went to my optometrist for contact lenses. I went to the salon to get my eyebrows shaped. I babysat for my cute nephew who's almost crawling. I made an appointment with my gynecologist for a yearly exam (quite overdue). I drank milk. I told the married comedian that he's never to call my home phone number again. I drank at least one cup of water per day. I signed up for a writer's meeting at a local bookstore next weekend. I called family members to see how they're doing. I looked into debt-management companies and bankruptcy options for my $35,000 in credit card debt. I cooked and ate at home twice this week. I brushed my teeth almost every day. I took a shower more than usual, as well. I did my dishes and took out my trash more than usual. I did not call a chatline even once.

Things I did that are bad for me: I made up lies about my dating life to make the married man jealous. I called his wife's work voicemail and found out she got a promotion and will be on vacation next week. I searched the Internet for information about her and looked up women of her ethnicity in order to imagine what she looks like. I got stressed thinking about them spending Easter together with their daughter. I logged in twelve hours as a phone sex operator and earned $120. I ate lots of unhealthy foods (steak, cookies, cake). I overdrew my checking account $600 and got hit with overdraft fees. I skipped my OA meeting and didn't return calls from group members. I skipped doing my laundry. I watched adult movies through the expensive On Demand option on my TV. I did not clean my very messy apartment. I slept too much. I did not exercise.

It's becoming crystal clear to me that I'm running toward unhealthy things in order to keep myself locked into a pattern of sadness, unworthiness, and frustration. I've built addictions to keep from facing reality. I'd like my Good For Me list to be longer than the Bad For Me list. That will happen but it's not easy. Those Bad For Me things attract me in an obsessive way. Total escapes and distractions.

My next appointment with my psychologist is April 16 and we're going to be discussing goals. I'm looking forward to it. There is still a lot I haven't shared with him because I'm so embarrassed. I know you've told me to just say/write it all down and not be ashamed but it's hard! My life behind closed doors is so icky.

I've started doing some research on past issues... I grew up in a home with domestic violence and I'm discovering how it colored my world. My issues with men, food, sex, friendships, trust, etc. can be traced back to those days, I'm sure. Anyway, I'm going to let my psychologist hash all that out and help point out the path to recovery.

What I started thinking about is dreams... things I'd love to do in a world where anything is possible. Writing and publishing a novel is one. And another is to open up a women's shelter in honor of my mom. I'd like the shelter to be a beautiful house with great security. Besides the basics like food, clothing, and shelter, I'd like to offer therapy for women and children, job search services, legal help, salon services, games and toys for kids, etc. Building this shelter could be my life's calling.

Gem you are not the same woman you were just 3 short weeks ago. All I can think to say is what an inspiration you've become.

Thank you for the great support! This board was instrumental in giving me direction. I'm still doing unhealthy, destructive things, however.

I'm struggling quite a bit, things are not peaches and cream by any means. I mean, my obsession with the comedian's wife is large and looming. I still want to fly to their city and hide in the dumpster just to see her! I want to steal their photo albums and look at their family pictures. I want to go through her closet and see what size/style clothing she wears. I want to see her shoes. I want to go into their bathroom to see what products she uses. I just want details, details, details. I've looked her up on classmates.com and reunion.com. But I cannot find a photo anywhere! I managed to find her sister's photo but not her. I'm constantly searching for information on this everyday woman who is, most likely, a normal human being with feelings. This is all very unhealthy. It's crazy behavior. It's a total obsession. And I feed it by calling, searching, looking, wondering, etc.

My poor psychologist. Once I unload all this information on him, I'm sure he'll press the Eject button under his desk that sends me flying to the looney bin. He said he has to report me if I'm going to hurt myself or anyone else but I hope this obsession doesn't qualify as criminal. I don't think it does. I don't want to hurt her, I just want files, documents, photos, records, papers, etc. I just want information!

Reaching out for a therapist and forcing myself to do some basic things (see the doctor, drink water, brush my teeth) has been helping me. The thought that I could possibly be an inspiration... wow, it stuns me.

I feel like I have this part of me that wants things to be right, good, beautiful, and wonderful, and this other part that thinks it can't happen and it's a waste to even try. The latter has been at the wheel for a long time and trying to wrestle the steering wheel away is a tough process.

I finally went in for my yearly physical and the doctor's ordered tests associated with obesity (cholesterol, diabetes, etc.). He spoke to me at length about my excessive weight and said it's time to nip this in the bud. He was glad to hear I've gone to two OA meetings and encouraged me to find a sponsor and keep going. (Turns out he went to OA meetings, too!)

I've gone to work Monday and Tuesday and plan to go the rest of the week.

For some reason, I cried in the car on my way home from the doctor. I felt like I'd been in the presence of a very caring and compassionate person. He asked me point-blank about my weight: "What's going on with your weight?" I said, "What do you mean?" and he just looked at me until I started stuttering and finally started talking.

I'm surrounded by lots of people that are concerned, I'm realizing that now as I begin to come out of my slump. Family members have been dropping gentle hints for awhile and offering to work out with me or help me come up with health plans. I've got doctors who are concerned. I have access to lots of great advice here from people who want nothing but to assist me. I'm very blessed.

And I'm going to run all this by my psychologist when I see him next Monday (can't wait, I think I dig this therapy thing) but when I was on the phone last night with the married comedian, all I could think was: "I'm talking to the devil." Compared to the sweet, giving people in my life, this guy is rude and selfish. I listened to him berate me for an hour and then I couldn't take it anymore and hung up. On some level, I must like the emotional abuse. That will be ending soon. My journey is going to be that of a human being who loves to treat herself well and loves to be treated well by others. It's a new twist.

My journey is going to be that of a human being who loves to treat herself well and loves to be treated well by others. It's a new twist.
I love it when you talk strong and positive. You have come so far, and you are going much farther still, I can see. You go, girl! We're all rooting for you.

Thank you for the great support! This board was instrumental in giving me direction. I'm still doing unhealthy, destructive things, however.

I'm struggling quite a bit, things are not peaches and cream by any means. I mean, my obsession with the comedian's wife is large and looming. I still want to fly to their city and hide in the dumpster just to see her! I want to steal their photo albums and look at their family pictures. I want to go through her closet and see what size/style clothing she wears. I want to see her shoes. I want to go into their bathroom to see what products she uses. I just want details, details, details. I've looked her up on classmates.com and reunion.com. But I cannot find a photo anywhere! I managed to find her sister's photo but not her. I'm constantly searching for information on this everyday woman who is, most likely, a normal human being with feelings. This is all very unhealthy. It's crazy behavior. It's a total obsession. And I feed it by calling, searching, looking, wondering, etc.

Gem, I asked before what that would prove if you saw her or found out about her. But let me put this in another perspective. I just read over the weekend about a guy that won a $315 million lottery a few years ago. In what should have been a lifetime abundance of money, he has now lost everything and is absolutely distraught and both him and his wife wish they had just tore up the ticket. To us on the outside we are thinking, “how can that be and how could you screw that up?” But the reality is we’ve never been in that situation. There is a guy, from outward appearances, should have been one of the happiest people on earth and his actions have clearly demonstrated that his inner core was not solid, no matter what he had on the outside.

Anna Nicole Smith was incredibly beautiful and incredibly wealthy. But she was also a complete nutcase who was obviously never comfortable with herself and had to hide behind drugs to make her whole. Instead that lead her to her death. My point is that all things being equal she should have been extremely happy and positive in life and her actions prove just the opposite.

Going back a few decades, look at Elvis Presley, here was a man who was given a gift from God in an incredible voice and had great charisma that lead him to fame and wealth. Again, all things being equal he should have been one of the happiest people ever and he obviously wasn’t and that lead to his demise.

I could write a book on this subject but my point is that you can pick anybody and start asking “what does she or he have that I don’t?” And you know what? Your going to get an answer! And it might be even be true! Elvis had talents that I could only dream of. Elvis had wealth, cars, a “mansion” (Graceland isn’t that big, so I don’t know if it can be called a mansion) fame, looks, women throwing themselves at him. That all sounds great on the outside, but the man behind that had nothing and had to cover his pain with food and drugs. That’s the real person.

And that’s my point, you can see anybody from the outside and say “Wow, she’s got it so great because she is this size, has this house, has this car, has these friends, etc.” but in reality you will never really know if she’s happy on the inside and happy with all that.


My poor psychologist. Once I unload all this information on him, I'm sure he'll press the Eject button under his desk that sends me flying to the looney bin. He said he has to report me if I'm going to hurt myself or anyone else but I hope this obsession doesn't qualify as criminal. I don't think it does. I don't want to hurt her, I just want files, documents, photos, records, papers, etc. I just want information!

To be honest, I’d bet your therapist has heard much worse than this. He might look as a person with huge potential that just needs the ability to work through it and the steps to do it.


Reaching out for a therapist and forcing myself to do some basic things (see the doctor, drink water, brush my teeth) has been helping me. The thought that I could possibly be an inspiration ... wow, it stuns me.

Well, let me be straight with you. I’ve been posting here for a while now and there are two types of people that come here to this board that I’ve noticed anyway.

The first person has a problem, issue, or concern, and posts it and then gets an answer or a series of answers that are usually consistent. If the person doesn’t like the answer given, they usually retaliate against all the posters and try to make themselves feel better or continue to live in a certain denial.

The second personality type posts a question here and wants real answers, and may even know the answers but doesn’t want to face them and needs either a nudge or in some cases a verbal slap in the face. I personally was one of those people and to be honest I got it. But after that initial answer or series of answers many posters just stop posting and go away only to repeat there problems again and again. However, some people say to themselves “I’ve had enough and I’m going to do something about it.” You were one of those people. You kept coming back. You kept taking steps. You kept moving forward. It’s like a I said in my earlier posts your not at the top of the mountain but you not in the valley with the masses either.

I can honestly say this site has changed my life for the better. I’ve studied what some posters have said in certain situations, I’ve been introduced to new ideas and concepts beyond this website, and I’ve been able to give incite to others, which in turn only strengthens my understanding and knowledge. It’s one thing to read something, but it’s another to form the thought and type it out. For me, that is the benefit I get from answering questions here. I’ve seen your posts in some other threads and I can only assume your getting that same benefit and strength.


I feel like I have this part of me that wants things to be right, good, beautiful, and wonderful, and this other part that thinks it can't happen and it's a waste to even try. The latter has been at the wheel for a long time and trying to wrestle the steering wheel away is a tough process.

Well I’m going to credit Tony Robbins on this one. He has a tape and on it he said something that really made me stop and think. Most people, usually by accident and never realizing what they are doing from an early age fill there head with thoughts of “I can’t do that” or “that’s for somebody else” and might even try something once or twice and fail so then it becomes “confirmed” that they aren’t capable of doing any given thing. Most people then spend a lifetime filling there head with these thoughts. So Tony Robbins said this, “If you put garbage into your head, your going to get garbage in your actions as a result, if you start putting positive things in your head, your going to get positive results.”

How true is that! I personally not only put garbage into my head, but so did my own dad. And I can tell you he picked up a lot from my grandma, who picked up a lot from my great grandfather. I’m sure it goes back further but that’s all I can trace. Either way, my point is just because my relatives before me were negative and abusive doesn’t mean that has to be my reality. Same with you. You may have had some garbage put in your head but you can now start putting some positive things in your head and start getting some positive results. In reality, isn’t that exactly what you’ve been doing for the last 3 weeks?

Three weeks ago, you were not thinking with any positive thoughts. Now after only 3 weeks you’ve started putting positive thoughts in your brain and you’ve started to get some positive results already. If you keep this up, just think were you’ll be in a year! In 5 years and for the rest of your life.

I finally went in for my yearly physical and the doctor's ordered tests associated with obesity (cholesterol, diabetes, etc.). He spoke to me at length about my excessive weight and said it's time to nip this in the bud. He was glad to hear I've gone to two OA meetings and encouraged me to find a sponsor and keep going. (Turns out he went to OA meetings, too!)

Forgive my stupidity but how does that work? What do you mean by a sponsor?



For some reason, I cried in the car on my way home from the doctor. I felt like I'd been in the presence of a very caring and compassionate person. He asked me point-blank about my weight: "What's going on with your weight?" I said, "What do you mean?" and he just looked at me until I started stuttering and finally started talking.

I'm surrounded by lots of people that are concerned, I'm realizing that now as I begin to come out of my slump. Family members have been dropping gentle hints for awhile and offering to work out with me or help me come up with health plans. I've got doctors who are concerned. I have access to lots of great advice here from people who want nothing but to assist me. I'm very blessed.

The funny thing is I think many people are blessed but don’t realize it. There is always help available it’s just finding a way to ask for it. That always seems to the problem, for whatever reason people are just afraid to ask, for fear of rejection or not seeming perfect or whatever. But if you start to really look around and notice the blessings you do have new and even more blessings open up. Kind of like the adage “success breeds success.”


And I'm going to run all this by my psychologist when I see him next Monday (can't wait, I think I dig this therapy thing) but when I was on the phone last night with the married comedian, all I could think was: "I'm talking to the devil." Compared to the sweet, giving people in my life, this guy is rude and selfish. I listened to him berate me for an hour and then I couldn't take it anymore and hung up. On some level, I must like the emotional abuse. That will be ending soon. My journey is going to be that of a human being who loves to treat herself well and loves to be treated well by others. It's a new twist.

OHHHHHH I'm fricking upset. Gem, let me tell you something. I am a little different than most people on this board in this regard given my background but that piece of crap would never… I mean NEVER berate me for an hour, hell he wouldn't berate me for a minute because he’d have to face the consequences. He also would never do just based on what I look like and the fact that if he was standing in front of me and started berating me for an hour he would understand the price he’d be paying. So that loser can’t pick a fight with some one his size or probably in my case bigger than him so he picks on you for an hour over the phone. What a F-ing coward.

But the thing is Gem, I would never use my size or intimidating looks to talk down to you or any other woman or man for that matter and I certainly have too much respect for you and all that you’ve lived through and have accomplished to try and hold you down. That loser has no respect for you and the truth is has no respect for himself which is why he has to pick on a defenseless woman for an hour. He’s not a man, he’s not even a boy, he’s just a b!tch and he knows it. It’s probably why he’s a comedian, that way he can pick on people in the crowd under the guise of “it’s all part of the show.” What a fricking loser. How he acts towards you is just a sliver of what he feels about himself on the inside. He uses you as an outlet and yet he suffers even more.

You want to know what his wife is like? I’ll tell you she’s depressed, hates herself, and constantly wants to know why she’s not good enough. That’s the only kind of person that coward could ever get to marry him.

If you talk to this tool again, and why you would I don’t know but if you do, and he starts up with this talk ask him point blank, “Would you talk down to a man like this?” He might lie because he’s a coward but I promise you that tool wouldn’t berate a man for an hour without paying the price. I’m not suggesting you get physical but I am suggesting you haven’t given him any reason to be his emotional sponge because he’s such a coward. If he wants to be a coward then you let him do that on his time, from now on your time and energy is too valuable to invest with tools like that.

"Gem07 agrees: Thank you so much for the heartfelt responses."


Oh man, sometimes I read my own stuff and wonder exactly what I was thinking. As you can probably tell I'm an emotional guy. You were right though, that message was from the heart, no sugar coating there, just straight up what I was thinking. A week and a half later I stand by what I wrote, your that your too good of a person and overcome so much to be his personal emotional sponge.

Just thought I'd give everyone an update. I'm going to my psychologist weekly and he is trying to lead me into deep discussions about my abusive father. I'm having a hard time discussing some things and opening up. I'd rather talk about the weather and Kit Kats! I've lost about five pounds. I'm still missing about a day of work per week. Today I didn't go because I slept only three hours last night and was exhausted. I'm also trying to keep track of my thoughts on my therapist's recommendation and I've realized they're quite negative. Especially when it comes to men! My food/shopping/phone sex addictions are still alive and well, but my therapist seems to think they're interconnected. Resolution will take time and energy. I'm living moment to moment. Just trying to be more aware. And trying to give myself a break for not being who I think I should be at this moment in my life. My therapist says that everything about me makes sense in the context of my childhood and my life. I don't fully believe it but I'm trying to. I told the married comedian that I'll call him and haven't spoken to him for a few days. I found that my obsessive tendencies have shifted to my therapist, however! I want to invite him over to my apt. and seduce him. He's married with a child. I've started doing research on him and his wife.. . Why do I do this? I've not told him about all this yet because I don't want him to freak out and think I'm a crazy stalker! He lives near me and I'm dying to see his wife. I have this same issue with the comedian. Why do I get so obsessed with their wives and finding out every detail? Low self-esteem? Low self-confidence? I don't know.

Set yourself little goals along the way... next week I'm going to tidy up the apartment, the week after I'm going to sit down and work out all my bills and what needs paying first, maybe set up a monthly thing with them so you can pay it off bit by bit, next get to the doctors and find out what's wrong as it sounds like you may be depressed and stuck in a rut.
Stop calling the chat lines and get yourself out and about meeting real people, that will solve your boredom,weight issues and lack of friends, get some hobbies and meet people that way.
You can do this, but it will take time, good luck

Congratulations on taking steps to improve your life Gem. It is kind of common for people, especially women, to develop crushes on their therapists because the therapist actually listens to them. But you must realize that this is what the therapist's job is... to learn about you and figure out ways to help you. Don't mistake it to be more than it is.

Crushes like these can be harmless enough if you don't act on your feelings, but I worry that you will trade one obsession for another Gem. I think that the reason you want to see the women that the men you are obsessed with are married to is because you know that you will compare yourself unfavorably to them. This may sound odd, but I think that in your sub conscience, you want to feel bad because you will have an excuse to "punish" yourself and continue your unhealthy behaviors.

These behavior are crutches for you. Maybe you are afraid to really feel better because you will have no excuse to stay stuck. If you start feeling better, you will have to take responsibility for going to work every day and have no excuse to call in. If you start having self esteem, you may have to start being in a real relationship and not one that is guaranteed to lead nowhere with married men. You are afraid to be in a real relationship I think. I believe that your weight, your phone sex chat, your obsessions with married men stem from one thing: fear.

You may need to find a different therapist and start being treated with medication to control obsessive compulsive behavior.

Again I congratulate you for seeking help which is wonderful, but don't keep seeing this particular therapist just because you have a crush on him. If you are attracted to him and are trying to impress him, it may stop you from telling him any truth that you think is an unattractive one and hinder getting the help you really need.

Hey... I came here to search for help desk related posts, and couldn't help coming across this post. I have some advise for you. Become more religious. I'm a Muslim, and I find that my religion helps me in my daily life. My religion prohibits over-eating, and has the month of Ramadan as a month of fasting. My religion prohibits adultery, and even going close to it. My religion promises a better life after death, if you live clean of sins in this world. You can learn more about it by reading the Holy Quran, and learning from fellow Muslims near you. You can read the Holy Quran at Quran Recitation and Translation Online in Arabic, English, and Urdu (http://www.quranexplorer.com). That website has an English translation of the holy book. Before reading the quran, you should clean yourself up. Have a bath, wash your hands, the right hand first, wash your mouth and nose, wash your face, wash up to your elbows (again right hand first), wash your hair, wash your ears (right ear first), and wash your feet (right feet first) before reading the Quran. Wish you all the best dear sister.

May Allah bless you

I am completely speachless and very sorry for all that you are going through. (reaching out to give you a big virtual hug!) :) It is very hard when you have such a deep feeling of helplessness to pull yourself out of such a rut. I definitely know where you are coming from and have battled with depression in the past, especially over my weight issues. I had to pull myself out of my rut and realize that I am a worthwhile person... I'm beautiful on the inside and out. Once I started telling myself this, I began to believe it. I started working out and making healthy choices... but it has to happen in baby steps. Nothing worthwhile happens overnight. Just start by drinking water instead of soda. I definitely give you props for thinking about changing your number (you deserve to have someone next to you telling you your beautiful for who you really are, not just telling you over the phone). Remember... baby steps. You are beautiful and you have to keep telling yourself that! If you need further advice and want to chat, feel free to email me at [email protected]. You can also visit my site for health related info www.teambeachbody.com/linzthefitcoach. Remember anything is possible if you have FAITH!! God bless. ~Lindsay