My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years. We love each other very much, but I just can't stand the fact that he watches porn, especially barely legal stuff. I personally find this stuff degrading to women, men and a committed relationship-with talks of marriage. However, I want to mention that I am not a prude, I enjoy sex very much and I am the one with the high sex drive while he is always coming up with excuses. His porn watching makes me feel inadequate and guilty because on one hand, I have the need to be respected as a female and these are little girls that he is getting off on in my eyes, and on the other hand, he barely has sex with me. Now I am not questioning whether he loves me, but I can't help but wonder what is going on here? I am lucky if we have sex once every 2 weeks, and when we do I am the one who does everything. Also he is not the shy type of guy, he has been with more partners than I like to think about and I basically feel like I am missing out on a vital part of what a relationship is suppose to include. We are young, and so early in the relationship, what should I do?

Talk to him about it. If your not happy break up with him and move on. If he really loves you, he would stop doing something that he knows bothers you

I agree with your answer about moving on. A good relationship has to include respect, honesty, and caring. He would rather watch porn than have sex with you!
I don't think you want to keep feeling this way for a long time. Tell him to either quit it, or you will start looking around. I would then start meeting new people. You are a great person, and not inadequate! It's him who needs help, not you. Be prepared to find yourself a new boyfriend; someone who really puts you first in everything.

Have you talked about it? What does he say? That's how problems are solved by talking about it, and reaching compromises, and when you cannot, the relationship dies.

For a moment, forget everything about the porn... Are you dissatisfied in your relationship? If you weren't upset about the porn, would you be putting your sex life under a microscope and deciding you're unhappy? If you are truly unhappy, then I would say it's worth talking to him honestly about your desire to have more sex. If he doesn't seem interested in having sex more often and you can't imagine continuing to have sex at the frequency that (or lower than) you currently do, I would say that it's time to move on.

Sex is a fundamental part of a romantic relationship and you two seem sexually imcompatible. If you force the relationship, you'll likely end up feeling constantly rejected by him and he'll feel like he is not satisfying you. That relationship will not be a happy, successful one. Some things should just come naturally and sexual compatibility is one.

Most men watch porn, the majority, just do it in secret and lie about it, so he is being honest about it.
It has nothing to do with you. And yes, you may try to act like you are not a prude but you are. You pure reason for not liking it, has nothing to do with your relatinship.

If he is doing porn instead of being with you. Of course if you always fuss at him about it, most likely he just does it instead now.

You ignore it, and work on building up your relationship with him.

Do you sit at the table or couch and talk about the issues having sex together, not the porn, leave that alone, just talk, about what he needs to have more sex with you, and so on.
Get into counseling.

But part of it, will be you having to accept porn as something he is going to do,

Communicaton is the key to a relationship. Talk to him, ask him. You've expressed yourself here. Have you expressed yourself to him?

"Walk away" is flippant info and difficult when you're in a relationship. Maybe you can resolve this. Maybe you can't. Only you and he know.

I don't find porn to be disrespectful to a female until/unless she takes a stand against it.

Then it enters the category of not being able to make anyone do anything they don't want to do. Maybe he'll weigh your relationship against porn and decide he'd rather watch porn.

Then your decision is made for you.

It is easy to vilify someone with porn. It has such a negative and taboo reputation that it is easy for it to become a reason for pretty much anything.

I believe your boyfriend has a libido issue that is completely unrelated to porn. Is he tired/exhausted a lot? Is he very stressed? Does he abuse drugs/alcohol? Is he a smoker? How old are the both of you? There are a lot of things that can affect a man's libido. How is your relationship and intimacy outside of the bedroom?

I see a lot of your own self-image and self-esteem projects here projecting them upon your boyfriend. You don't trust him to choose you when presented with the options that porn present and you're worried that your body isn't good enough for him because he likes to look at other naked women. Maybe if you were thinner, or had bigger boobs, or had blonde hair, or bigger booty, than he wouldn't need porn and would ravish me left right and centre. That is a fools errand. It is the same way that beauty magazines keep make-up and weight loss companies in the black.

When a man is watching porn he is not judging the actresses assets compared to their mates. How can I compare my wife to a black midget? Honestly? It isn't because we're dissatisfied with how you look. I can almost guarantee you he loves the way you look naked. The reason we like looking at naked women is that we like looking at naked women. They don't even need to be naked, a waitress bends over the right way and you can see down her shirt. It is a biological imperative. It isn't a reflection of dissatisfaction.

The male arousal cycle is very visual. We see naked woman and we get wood. That doesn't mean that, if given the chance, we would boink said woman. We're committed to our mates. That doesn't stop us from getting aroused. As you well know the female arousal cycle is farm more complex and, more importantly, different.

I know I am doing a horrible job in explaining this, but the bottom line is that porn isn't the problem here. It is your boyfriends libido. You can only start to solve that issue with frank and honest communication.

Also, the quest to find a man who doesn't watch porn would be long and probably fruitless. It isn't him that has to change but you.

It is easy to vilify someone with porn. It has such a negative and taboo reputation that it is easy for it to become a reason for pretty much anything.

I believe your boyfriend has a libido issue that is completely unrelated to porn. Is he tired/exhausted a lot? Is he very stressed? Does he abuse drugs/alcohol? Is he a smoker? How old are the both of you? There are a lot of things that can affect a man's libido. How is your relationship and intimacy outside of the bedroom?

I see a lot of your own self-image and self-esteem projects here projecting them upon your boyfriend. You don't trust him to choose you when presented with the options that porn present and you're worried that your body isn't good enough for him because he likes to look at other naked women. Maybe if you were thinner, or had bigger boobs, or had blonde hair, or bigger booty, than he wouldn't need porn and would ravish me left right and centre. That is a fools errand. It is the same way that beauty magazines keep make-up and weight loss companies in the black.

When a man is watching porn he is not judging the actresses assets compared to their mates. How can I compare my wife to a black midget? Honestly? It isn't because we're dissatisfied with how you look. I can almost guarantee you he loves the way you look naked. The reason we like looking at naked women is that we like looking at naked women. They don't even need to be naked, a waitress bends over the right way and you can see down her shirt. It is a biological imperative. It isn't a reflection of dissatisfaction.

The male arousal cycle is very visual. We see naked woman and we get wood. That doesn't mean that, if given the chance, we would boink said woman. We're committed to our mates. That doesn't stop us from getting aroused. As you well know the female arousal cycle is farm more complex and, more importantly, different.

I know I am doing a horrible job in explaining this, but the bottom line is that porn isn't the problem here. It is your boyfriends libido. You can only start to solve that issue with frank and honest communication.

Also, the quest to find a man who doesn't watch porn would be long and probably fruitless. It isn't him that has to change but you.

I think you may be right. He is always tired and stressed with work and that's his main reason for not wanting to have sex. So when he engages with porn I feel like he is being lazy and inconsiderate, asking myself why he doesn't just get off with me. We do talk about this although he is reluctant, and I have suggested to watch with him or to do new things, because like I said I AM THE ONE WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX, and he seem embarrassed. My reasoning is why masterbate if I have the person I love in front of me. I mean if I had a libido problem I would give all my energy to him.. this is why I am upset. The feelings of inferiority result from this.


Most men watch porn, the majority, just do it in secret and lie about it, so he is being honest about it.
It has nothing to do with you. And yes, you may try to act like you are not a prude but you are. You pure reason for not liking it, has nothing to do with your relatinship.

If he is doing porn instead of being with you. of course if you always fuss at him about it, most likely he just does it instead now.

You ignore it, and work on building up your relationship with him.

Do you sit at the table or couch and talk about the issues having sex together, not the porn, leave that alone, just talk, about what he needs to have more sex with you, and so on.
Get into counseling.

But part of it, will be you having to accept porn as something he is going to do,

I don't think this helps at all. Obviously I know that my boyfriend is attracted to me and that is not the issue. The issue is I am being ignored because of the porn because it's easier for him, but what about me? There are two people in a relationship. I would understand if I was the one who didn't want to have sex, but I think "just get over it and get used to it" is a cop out. Am I supposed to tell him that if I look for an emotional relationship somewhere else, because that is the female version of this. I want our sexual intimacy to match our affection, because there is real love here. We do talk and I can see how it may turn into nagging for him, but how am I supposed to say I want more sex other than saying it or pursuing it with him and he shuts down.

I think you may be right. He is always tired and stressed with work and that's his main reason for not wanting to have sex. so when he engages with porn I feel like he is being lazy and inconsiderate, asking myself why he doesn't just get off with me. We do talk about this although he is reluctant, and I have suggested to watch with him or to do new things, because like i said I AM THE ONE WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX, and he seem embarrassed. my reasoning is why masterbate if I have the person i love in front of me. i mean if i had a libido problem i would give all my energy to him..this is why I am upset. The feelings of inferiority result from this.

Have you told him you feel like he is being 'lazy and inconsiderate'? I sincerely hope not. It would be a libido killer for many people if their partner said that to them.

How often do you try to get him to have sex?

Have you tried looking at the issue from his point of view? You say now that you give all your energy to him, but I think you are still looking at it from your 'side'. Step into his shoes and imagine yourself going through his day/week. You know the stress and exhaustion he is under from work. Plus the pressures of everyday living. Add demands from friends and family. On top of that add the demands from a partner to satisfy her/his needs for sex. When all you want is a quick release without worrying about another person's needs, there is your partner saying 'take care of me.' The partner may not mean for it to sound selfish and self-serving, but that may be how it could sound to you as the person who wants to be left alone. Would you want to have sex with someone if you felt like they were ignoring your needs? Would you begin to feel like you were there simply for their pleasure? Many people in that scenario start backing off from sexual contact because it feels like a chore instead of pleasure.

Pressure to have sex is in itself a libido limiter. Is there any chance of his work becoming less stress and exhaustion inducing? If not, then you both need to decide if you can find a compromise that works or if you are too far apart in your needs to find common ground.

I think you may be right. He is always tired and stressed with work and that's his main reason for not wanting to have sex. so when he engages with porn I feel like he is being lazy and inconsiderate, asking myself why he doesn't just get off with me. We do talk about this although he is reluctant, and I have suggested to watch with him or to do new things, because like i said I AM THE ONE WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX, and he seem embarrassed. my reasoning is why masterbate if I have the person i love in front of me. i mean if i had a libido problem i would give all my energy to him..this is why I am upset. The feelings of inferiority result from this.

Because you're not a c*m dumpster? How long would you be with him if he would walk into the room, bend you over, spoooge, and leave?

When a man masturbates it is scratching an itch. It is a personal moment to just pleasure himself. There is no one else he has to worry about. This means that doesn't need to worry about your satisfaction, if he's clean, if you're clean, if you're in the mood, et al. It is just him and his hand. The porn provides that spark of fantasy that allows him to get off.

All he wants to do is c*m and move along. It isn't that he finds sex with you bad. I believe he is just so exhausted and stressed that he can't wrap his mind around making love. He just wants a little "Me time" and move along.

Ignore the porn and masturbation issue. That is a non-starter. That is normal.

What the problem here is that he's tired and stressed. That is what you need to fix.

Tell us a little more about your lives together. Do you work the same shifts? Do you have kids? What is causing all his stress? How are you doing financially?

Wow it's really easy to see who values a relationship and who doesn't in these answers. Most of you were helpful and some of you were just selfish and immature in your answers. You don't know me or my boyfriend and some of you started to make comments like you did. The advice ended a long time ago. So anyway... I talked to him. I said, "look i'm not going to make you but i want you to put a porn blocker on your phone." he said," i swear i only watch it once a month when you're not around and it has nothing to do with me not wanting to have sex with you. i love you. you're everything. i always want to have sex with you. i'm just so tired, you have to consider that." and that was that. Now I don't think that I am being selfish or insecure or any of that. I shared with my boyfriend that I don't like something that he does and he agreed to stop doing it. Now I know there are going to be a whole lot of hate comments because people are so "me" focused and don't like to see a boyfriend "give into" his girlfriend. The thing here is that it was never about that, and I hate that everyone made it about that. If he asked me to stop doing something because it legitimately bothered him I would. That's what a serious relationship is: caring about the other person and sometimes putting them first. And as far as the porn was going, it wasn't helping the relationship or bringing us closer together, so it got thrown out the door. So my advice to others is don't sell yourself short because society thinks that your standards are too high or unrealistic. Everyone is different and yes some guys will listen to you and consider your feelings when it comes to your relationship. Forcing anyone doesn't do anything productive, but do have the self-esteem to stick up for your beliefs and feelings, that is what keeping you individuality is, not having a whole other secret life your partner doesn't know about. Individuality and personal needs are too stressed in this culture, that's why people divorce and go from partner to partner, everyone is out to get their's. A relationship involves two people, two sets of feelings/needs/logic/beliefs/etc... and working together is what is supposed to happen, not "just getting used to it."

You got what you wanted, and I am happy for you. :)

You got what you wanted, and I am happy for you. :)

thank you. Finally someone who wants these questions to get real answers and have these issues work out. =)

Come back in a few months when you find he is not just lying to you, so you hear what you want and he is still looking at it.

And no of course you would not give up something you really wanted ( nor should you)

He will not stop, for long anyway, just now he will hide it from you more.
Sorry you don't fully understand how it works and think you can demand and control your boyfriend.

Your controlling attitude comes across loud and clear. Once again a person who asks for help but only wants to hear what she wants to hear.

I want to be the Queen of England. That's not going to happen either - same as you "wanting your boyfriend to stop watching porn."

I find it humorous that OP asks a question about a relationship and then preaches about how relationships work.

Your controlling attitude comes across loud and clear. Once again a person who asks for help but only wants to hear what she wants to hear.

I want to be the Queen of England. That's not going to happen either - same as you "wanting your boyfriend to stop watching porn."

I find it humorous that OP asks a question about a relationship and then preaches about how relationships work.

You should see the posts that were removed by a moderator where they went off on a tirade.

You're talking about me aren't you? I know you are. Gets me tickled pink. :-D


Wow it's really easy to see who values a relationship and who doesn't in these answers. most of you were helpful and some of you were just selfish and immature in your answers. you don't know me or my boyfriend and some of you started to make comments like you did. the advice ended a long time ago.

I am married with a child on the way. Just saying. How do you expect us to say anything to you if you expect us to know you before we answer. You're a unique little flower, just like everyone else. The thing is most people can be generalized and categorised by their comments. You display a lot of yourself in your comments and your posts.

I think people's assessment of you is completely fair.


so anyway...I talked to him. I said, "look i'm not going to make you but i want you to put a porn blocker on your phone." he said," i swear i only watch it once a month when you're not around and it has nothing to do with me not wanting to have sex with you. i love you. you're everything. i always want to have sex with you. i'm just so tired, you have to consider that." and that was that.

So you want him to put a porn blocker on his phone because you can't trust him to stop and honour the compact you made with him? Interesting.

Well that kind of sums it up for you doesn't it. The 'once a month' is just a way to make it seem like he isn't consuming it as much as it seems. A White Lie to make him look not so bad.

His libido is limited by exhaustion. What more do you need to know? He watches porn and rubs one off when you're not around. No harm no foul.


now i don't think that i am being selfish or insecure or any of that. i shared with my boyfriend that i don't like something that he does and he agreed to stop doing it. now i know there are going to be a whole lot of hate comments because people are so "me" focused and don't like to see a boyfriend "give into" his girlfriend.

Control is a funny thing. Does he come back with things he would like you to do? Does he ask you to put the toilet seat up when you're done so that he doesn't pee on the seat in the middle of the night?

It is a matter of scale. There is compromise, there has to be, but there is also the matter of control. Why do you want to change the man you fell in love with. There was a funny comic I read a while back and I will describe it for you. First panel, woman meets man and they fall in love. Second panel, "You would be better if you got a better job/dressed better/stopped watching so much sports/et al." Third panel, "I think we should break up, you're not the person I fell in love with." Fourth panel, guy going, What the f**k just happened here?

I will get back to this.


the thing here is that it was never about that, and i hate that everyone made it about that. if he asked me to stop doing something because it legitimately bothered him i would. that's what a serious relationship is: caring about the other person and sometimes putting them first. and as far as the porn was going, it wasn't helping the relationship or bringing us closer together, so it got thrown out the door. so my advice to others is don't sell yourself short because society thinks that your standards are too high or unrealistic. everyone is different and yes some guys will listen to you and consider your feelings when it comes to your relationship. forcing anyone doesn't do anything productive, but do have the self-esteem to stick up for your beliefs and feelings, that is what keeping you individuality is, not having a whole other secret life your partner doesn't know about. individuality and personal needs are too stressed in this culture, that's why people divorce and go from partner to partner, everyone is out to get their's. a relationship involves two people, two sets of feelings/needs/logic/beliefs/etc... and working together is what is supposed to happen, not "just getting used to it."

BTW, before you make generalizing remarks, my first wife left me and divorced me because she never really loved me. I compromised and put her first before EVERYTHING. It was not enough. This tactic made me a doormat. Careful with what you say, you might have it egregiously wrong.

So you're limiting what can arouse your boyfriend to just you, as per your compromise. Are you doing the same for yourself? Fair is fair. The female arousal cycle is more emotional, that is why romance novels and romantic comedies do so well. Are you going to, as you expect him to, remove all external sources of arousal?

A while back I came across a saying that implied that we're raising the most sexually frustrated generation. Men are wondering where their 'porn stars' are and women where their 'prince charmings' are. Everyone has expectations of what should happen in their relationships. The problem is resolving them with what is instinctual to everyone involved. You're expecting him to deny his biological drives. All that is going to happen is that he is going to become a better liar. He will learn about the private browsing or incognito or whatnot. No history. He won't stop.

You're not understanding what and why he is doing what he is doing. You are jumping to the emotional response and expecting unrealistic things to cater to your own insecurities. If you understand what is going on you might realize that this is a non-issue and that it is his exhaustion that is causing bedroom problems and not porn. That is just something you have a death grip on and aren't will to budge on. Your prerogative.

TL;DR: (To long Didn't read summary). You're not walking the mile in his shoes. Rather you want him to walk barefooted because his shoes are too big and thus don't fit your delicate feet.

"A while back I came across a saying that implied that we're raising the most sexually frustrated generation. Men are wondering where their 'porn stars' are and women where their 'prince charmings' are."

Then wouldn't the solution for both genders be to spend less time, not more, indulging in fantasy? If the idea is that these fantasies are feeding into and using our natural drives to shape unrealistic expectations to a point that is damaging, isn't this making the opposite argument?

"A while back I came across a saying that implied that we're raising the most sexually frustrated generation. Men are wondering where their 'porn stars' are and women where their 'prince charmings' are."

Then wouldn't the solution for both genders be to spend less time, not more, indulging in fantasy? If the idea is that these fantasies are feeding into and using our natural drives to shape unrealistic expectations to a point that is damaging, isn't this making the opposite argument?

Got it in one.

Rather learn to pick out the difference between fantasy and reality. What is realistic and what isn't.

An image with the saying. (http://www.snotm.com/2010/06/blog-post.html)

"A while back I came across a saying that implied that we're raising the most sexually frustrated generation. Men are wondering where their 'porn stars' are and women where their 'prince charmings' are."

Then wouldn't the solution for both genders be to spend less time, not more, indulging in fantasy? If the idea is that these fantasies are feeding into and using our natural drives to shape unrealistic expectations to a point that is damaging, isn't this making the opposite argument?

A life devoid of fantasy.. is a life devoid of excitement and aspirations.

I think its more about someone being raised to believe the world revolves around them which is a disservice to them as they start life with unrealistic expectations as they enter the world as young adults.

Since it's the younger generations that seems to have this problem so much more often than the older generations.

"Rather learn to pick out the difference between fantasy and reality. What is realistic and what isn't."

It's funny, and sadly, I think true. We do need to learn to separate reality and fantasy, yet the more time you spend indulging in fantasy, the more it becomes your reality. We don't have a good idea of what's 'healthy' consumption (not leading to blurring of the line) and what's not. Also, given the widespread availability of all forms of media, this most recent generation has so many more options of what to consume not to mention the great convenience of it. And what does any business really sell anyway? I think most businesses are, at their foundation, selling convenience. We now have fantasy so convenient, that with the touch of a button you can be with whomever, wherever and boy does my generation take advantage of it.

I think the very existence of a cartoon like this should make one wonder. Something is changing or has already changed in the minds of men and women entering relationships. But, who knows? There aren't standards. All we can really examine are the rates of successful relationships vs failures, but that figure is confounded by so many things.

Fantasy can be an escape, can be fun, but when it is shaping our expectations of reality to the point that we find reality utterly dissatisfying (and thus prefer the fantasy), I think we've crossed a line.

"Since its the younger generations that seems to have this problem so much more often than the older generations."

There are many, many reasons this could be.
If you're thinking that it's because children today are coddled and told that 'they are special' (as I have seen you reference) you must consider that when people did that, they thought they were promoting the emotional health of developing people. It was perhaps a bad idea wrapped in good justifications - as many other bad ideas have been before the consequences were known.

I think the current generation is having more trouble with it because we spend so much more time in fantasy than previous generations. Much of this due to the wide availability/accessibility of all forms of media that we grew up with.

"Since its the younger generations that seems to have this problem so much more often than the older generations."

There are many, many reasons why this could be.
If you're thinking that it's because children today are coddled and told that 'they are special' (as I have seen you reference) you must consider that when people did that, they thought they were promoting the emotional health of developing people. It was perhaps a bad idea wrapped in good justifications - as many other bad ideas have been before the consequences were known.

I think the current generation is having more trouble with it because we spend so much more time in fantasy than previous generations. Much of this due to the wide availability/accessibility of all forms of media that we grew up with.

Well, unless you were in a very rural area porn was always easily accessible... much more-so in cities were entire blocks in many cases were dedicated to this trade... Most of the standard outlets available to the odler generations were just shifted to newer and different outlets. I came of age towards the end of the way it used to be... then saw Videotape come on the scene... later DVD's and not online digital content.

Before Videotapes because common... there was super-8 films... peep shows... adult movie theaters, and the always available print media... Strip clubs... etc...

Many of those went away.. or most certainly reduced in numbers of just 30 years ago from what was common.

The pervasiveness was there from long before then... so anyone that might be inclined to think today what happened before the internet... might be oblivious to what existed 3 dacades ago because most of those places closed up due to Video tape and even more... property redevelopement in certain zones where it was once common.

Like 42nd street in NYC, 14th Street in Washington DC, "The Block" in Baltimore... where there were literally dozens of businesses that catered to that crowd before you could do it from the privacy of your own home... and they did to a spectacularly booming business. Back then. If people weren't there or happened to see them from certain movies that might have been filmed in those areas (actually not uncommon with 42nd Stret in NYC)... the younger crowd might not know they ever existed. I mentioned those as I knew those areas best... every major city had their own.

So Internet porn didn't rise out of a great viod... it just migrated from other forms of distribution that later faded away..

I am aware that porn existed in various forms in just about every civilization in the history of man - though I hadn't heard of some of the places you listed. I'm under no delusion that internet porn came out of a void where there had previously been no porn.

However there is a big difference between making a trip to 'the block' to buy a video that you will probably view/use multiple times at age 18 (as stores have age limits) and viewing multiple videos for an hour a day when you're 11/12 (the age at which most children begin viewing porn today as sites do not have any real age restrictions).

The variety we're exposed to, the level and number of stimuli we come to expect, the amount of time we spend viewing it in our formative years, the ease with which we can access it, all of that has changed. Where before it required some investment, often of time and/or money, it now costs nothing and requires less time - porn now being often preferable to sex as it is infinitely more convenient. Before it might have been more convenient to have sex with the wife at home than to make a trip across town. That's not an issue anymore. This same idea of convenience being key is part of the NY laws about soda. If they make it less convenient to get large amounts of soda in one stop, people will consume less.

There is something different about this most recent generation. Depending on who you talk to, it could be just about anything. And every generation thinks that their generation is superior. 'Those darn kids,' right? But I think it would be wrong to pretend like internet has had nothing to do with the issues facing this most recent generation.

I am aware that porn existed in various forms in just about every civilization in the history of man - though I hadn't heard of some of the places you listed. I'm under no delusion that internet porn came out of a void where there had previously been no porn.

However there is a big difference between making a trip to 'the block' to buy a video that you will probably view/use multiple times at age 18 (as stores have age limits) and viewing multiple videos for an hour a day when you're 11/12 (the age at which most children begin viewing porn today as sites do not have any real age restrictions).

The variety we're exposed to, the level and number of stimuli we come to expect, the amount of time we spend viewing it in our formative years, the ease with which we can access it, all of that has changed. Where before it required some investment, often of time and/or money, it now costs nothing and requires less time - porn now being often preferable to sex as it is infinitely more convenient. Before it might have been more convenient to have sex with the wife at home than to make a trip across town. That's not an issue anymore. This same idea of convenience being key is part of the NY laws about soda. If they make it less convenient to get large amounts of soda in one stop, people will consume less.

There is something different about this most recent generation. Depending on who you talk to, it could be just about anything. And every generation thinks that their generation is superior. 'Those darn kids,' right? But I think it would be wrong to pretend like internet has had nothing to do with the issues facing this most recent generation.
Trust me... before video tapes.. magazines were way more popular than they are today... and if you had an older brother or dad that had them... you would find them and knew where they were.

And also... while there was supposedly a minimum age... the fact is... if you were even 14 and remotely discrete... nobody ever refused to sell them to you. And every drug store or tobacco store had them... as well as many others. If you had an allowance... if you were old enough to know the differences between boys and girls , you could get magazines through someone a fw years older than you were... and that's even if you are in a rural area far from the city (as I was). It only got easier for kids in the city.

See... I'm old enough to have been through this first hand.myself, this is from my own experiences... I'm not relying on second or third hand acounts. And the first Beta and VHS tape decks didn't come on the scene until after I was out of college. And those first ones were VERY expensive.

At 51... it was always easy to get in my lifetime. And it didn't screw with the heads of my generation, and the generation before me was the hippie generation of the late 60's and early 70's where that was ramped up even higher than it was form my generation.. AIDS came on the scene the fist time when I was in College... and I saw that play out from the very beginning, so there are other outside factors at play here than accesibility of porn. Because like I said... it didn't appear out of a void in recent years.

There were always magazines that catered to most of the fetishes... even back in the 70's and earlier.

Also... the Internet wasn't invented in the latter 1990's as some people believe... it dates back decades earlier... I had my first email account and first used the internet back in 1981... thats no typo... Nineteen eighty one, and it was around a good long time before then. ARPAnet... look it up if you aren't familiar with it sometime. Ever hear of Archie and Veronica? The search engines back before Google was ever an idea for Larry Page and Sergey Brin much less a reality.

"Trust me....before video tapes..magazines were way more popular than they are today....and if you had an older brother or dad that had them...you would find them and knew where they were."

I actually spoke with my father about this one time. He is a few years older than you are, married for 30 years. He spent his entire childhood living in small towns. He said that when he was 13 he discovered his father's Playboy stash, and would occasionally manage to sneak off with one - that he would then view for months as getting another was difficult. He still remembers the names of the women in those pictures.

When my boyfriend, and many of my good male friends, deem to discuss their first exposures, the memories recounted often go like this: I was on the computer (googling dirty words, looking up stuff for a class project, etc. ) when I saw a link to a porn website. From there they go on to describe how amazing it was to have so many different naked women available, how there was always a different act to look up, how they never knew that 'x' really looked like that, that women really like that, etc. (It's a huge learning experience and they are children absorbing every minute of it) Then many will go on to say that they, not surprisingly, love it so much that for the next couple of years any time Mom and Dad were gone for the weekend they spent hours looking up all sorts of different videos. When I ask them 'who was the first woman you saw naked?' they say 'I don't know, just some porn star.'

My boyfriend started doing this at age 13, a late bloomer. A couple of my other friends admit to starting this at age 10 and those men actually learned to masturbate from porn. Most young men I know say they began looking at it at about 11 or 12. During my undergraduate, I had male roommates that would literally spend an entire Saturday looking at porn - at the time, I thought that level of consumption was and that they themselves were abnormal. When I leave for the weekend, my boyfriend will spend several hours looking at porn. It's a habit he developed and as far as he feels, there's nothing wrong with a 4 hour porn 'binge' on Saturday. All of this is totally normal for men my age and it is completely different than snagging a once a month dirty magazine.

But, I digress. What you recount as your first exposure to porn involves magazines, hardly as stimulating as videos - if they were even close, then magazine reading would rival video watching as a recreational activity. Purchasing a magazine is again much more costly than looking up a video online. It's also much more boring - the pictures don't move, don't make sounds, they don't have someone having sex with them, they require effort and creativity (to imagine that you're having sex with them), and unlike videos, they are not literally showing you the step by step of someone else's concept of sex. There's much more left to you to figure out and much more stimulation you have to provide yourself - you aren't completely getting all of this stimulation externally.

"And the first Beta and VHS tape decks didn't come on the scene until after I was out of college. And those first ones were VERY expensive."

Right, it was very expensive, but now is free. And despite being free, the industry today makes more money than ever before. That's because there is a level of consumption as has never before been seen - particularly on the part of women. There is something different going on.

"Also....the Internet wasn't invented in the latter 1990's as some people believe....it dates back decades earlier....I had my first email account and first used the internet back in 1981.....thats no typo....Nineteen eighty one"

Even so, your average child would not have had free and easy access to the internet then and it certainly wasn't overloaded with videos the way it is now. Plus, as a computer technician, your experiences with computers are atypical.

"Trust me....before video tapes..magazines were way more popular than they are today....and if you had an older brother or dad that had them...you would find them and knew where they were."

I actually spoke with my father about this one time. He is a few years older than you are, married for 30 years. He spent his entire childhood living in small towns. He said that when he was 13 he discovered his father's Playboy stash, and would occasionally manage to sneak off with one - that he would then view for months as getting another was difficult. He still remembers the names of the women in those pictures.

When my boyfriend, and many of my good male friends, deem to discuss their first exposures, the memories recounted often go like this: I was on the computer (googling dirty words, looking up stuff for a class project, etc.,) when I saw a link to a porn website. From there they go on to describe how amazing it was to have so many different naked women available, how there was always a different act to look up, how they never knew that 'x' really looked like that, that women really like that, etc., (It's a huge learning experience and they are children absorbing every minute of it) Then many will go on to say that they, not surprisingly, love it so much that for the next couple of years any time Mom and Dad were gone for the weekend they spent hours looking up all sorts of different videos. When I ask them 'who was the first woman you saw naked?' they say 'I don't know, just some porn star.'

My boyfriend started doing this at age 13, a late bloomer. A couple of my other friends admit to starting this at age 10 and those men actually learned to masturbate from porn. Most young men I know say they began looking at it at about 11 or 12. During my undergraduate, I had male roommates that would literally spend an entire Saturday looking at porn - at the time, I thought that level of consumption was and that they themselves were abnormal. When I leave for the weekend, my boyfriend will spend several hours looking at porn. It's a habit he developed and as far as he feels, there's nothing wrong with a 4 hour porn 'binge' on Saturday. All of this is totally normal for men my age and it is completely different than snagging a once a month dirty magazine.

But, I digress. What you recount as your first exposure to porn involves magazines, hardly as stimulating as videos - if they were even close, then magazine reading would rival video watching as a recreational activity. Purchasing a magazine is again much more costly than looking up a video online. It's also much more boring - the pictures don't move, don't make sounds, they don't have someone having sex with them, they require effort and creativity (to imagine that you're having sex with them), and unlike videos, they are not literally showing you the step by step of someone else's concept of sex. There's much more left to you to figure out and much more stimulation you have to provide yourself - you aren't completely getting all of this stimulation externally.

"And the first Beta and VHS tape decks didn't come on the scene until after I was out of college. And those first ones were VERY expensive."

Right, it was very expensive, but now is free. And despite being free, the industry today makes more money than ever before. That's because there is a level of consumption as has never before been seen - particularly on the part of women. There is something different going on.

"Also....the Internet wasn't invented in the latter 1990's as some people believe....it dates back decades earlier....I had my first email account and first used the internet back in 1981.....thats no typo....Nineteen eighty one"

Even so, your average child would not have had free and easy access to the internet then and it certainly wasn't overloaded with videos the way it is now. Plus, as a computer technician, your experiences with computers are atypical.


Actually I'm not a Computer Technician by trade... I'm an Electronic Engineer who over the years has worked a broad scope of the electronics field, including a lot of stuff I'm not free to discuss, and a few things I choose not to discuss for personal reasons.(way too easy to identify me if I did), lets just say everone here is using something right now I had a hand in inventing and developing (nope.. no royalties as we were paid to do it). Though I have worked as a Computer Engineer before... (mini-mainframes) it wasn't my College Major. I've just been a computer hobbiest since the days before MS-DOS and way before WIndows existed.

And as far as learning things... what they Google today... they used to learn asking others... older brothers, friends etc... Like I said... I've seen everything that was common during this century... what evolved was the delivery method... not so much the actual content. What's out there today was available in at least the late 70's in any book store (the most common delivery method at the time).

And also... boys don't learn to masturbate from porn any more than girls do... they do that in an absence of porn... at a number of ages.(natural curiousity)... girls typically doing it way earlier than boys do. If you don't have kids yourself... talk to some mothers with girls you might be really close with about that... you might be surprised what you might hear. Assuming you don't already.

There have been many debates on different strings about porn. Not all men need nor want to use porn. If it is inconsistent with your values and you find it repugnant, you should terminate the relationship and find a man who shares your objections to it. There are many men who feel it's inappropriate to use porn within a committed relationship, and many men who find the objectification of women abhorrent as you do.

The other issue with your relationship is that you do not sound like you and he are sexually compatible. This is not going to improve with marriage and I think if you marry him you are going to just get increasingly hurt and lonely and disappointed with your sex life.

Finally, he seems oblivious to your feelings and values. That's a bad sign.

I think you should call off the engagement. I really don't believe "most" men in committed relationships use porn. I know many who think it's tacky and dumb, sleezy - lots of things other than sexy.

And also.....boys don't learn to masturbate from porn any more than girls do....they do that in an absense of porn....at a number of ages.(natural curiousity)...girls typically doing it way earlier than boys do. If you don't have kids yourself....talk to some mothers with girls you might be really close with about that....you might be surprised what you might hear. Assuming you don't already.

I remember the first time I spanked my monkey, was grade 8. I was ready "Murder on the Orient Express". Didn't get real actual porn until many years later.

I really have nothing more to say, but that I bow down to your technical skill. Being a programmer I hold people such as yourself in high esteem.

I remember the first time I spanked my monkey, was grade 8. I was ready "Murder on the Orient Express". Didn't get real actual porn until many years later.

I really have nothing more to say, but that I bow down to your technical skill. Being a programmer I hold people such as yourself in high esteem.

I remember Love - American Style... when I was young and parents didn't know I was watching it... (it was still on network TV back then in the stone ages.long before syndication)

I think you should call off the engagement. I really don't believe "most" men in committed relationships use porn. I know many who think it's tacky and dumb, sleezy - lots of things other than sexy.

I will agree that there are some men, but then many of them may not do it regularly but they have no real objection to it. The issue with surveys or talking to men, as we learn here, many of their own wives did not know they did it, they keep it secret, so they are not going to admit it to others that they do. Many people put on a public face, talk bad against all sorts of things but then in private often do those exact things.

I can use China here as an example, from surveys and polls, boys and girls from 14 to 21 do not really date, they never have sex. When questioned esp the girls, all are virgins and a large majority of boys are also.

But guess what age group makes up the largest number of abortions in China, yep that same 14 to 21 year old age group. Girls going into the hospital for an abortion often still claim they never had sex.

The men may not be watching it all the time, but they will also watch the swim suit girls on TV and dream about sexual things in their mind, Long before porn videos it was playboys or just using their mind while in the bath room.

Now there are various types of porn that some find bad, but some of the lighter porn can even help spice up a relationship if the parties will work with it.

Most of the issues with people and porn is that they reject it for no solid reason. They have a stigma about sex and that same issue will follow them into the bedroom and often stop them from even fully enjoying sex

I think you should call off the engagement. I really don't believe "most" men in committed relationships use porn. I know many who think it's tacky and dumb, sleezy - lots of things other than sexy.
Well, I'm a man... and I know men.. very, very well... and you are so wrong about that it would make your head spin. There are actually very, very few men that don't use porn... and most of them are either Catholic Priests or just plain weird.

I don't know where you can say many... particularly since you are speaking as a woman with a very clear and admitted bias.

But then... from my experience... some women have such profound sexual inhibitions... are the cause of so many men cheating... because its impossible to remain faithful to a person who is so inhibited they are withholding much from their partner. Thank goodness they aren't the majority, but they are way more common in the USA than Europe or much of South America... (can't speak for others outside those regions as I didn't date or know enough people from other areas to make an observation).

And yes... I'm speaking as someone who who has actually known and walked out on women like that... more than a few in fact. I pity any poor soul that ended up with them hoping it would get better and didn't.

But then... its inhibited women like that who usually whine about not getting any sex after a few years because they are so painfully boring in bed... that any woman that pays attention to them looks appealing.

And yes.. it is possible to be a very pleasant woman outside the bedroom... and so horribly unadventurous and bad that some guy would pick up a scag in a bar or off the street just to have a little variety if he was married to her... or chew off his own arm to sneak out and run away without waking her up... ( a thought that actually did once cross my mind)

Hardest thing I ever had to do was tell her I wasn't interested in her. Because when she was sober she and NOT in the bedroom she was a very sweet woman... but I have never in my life before or since experienced someone so bad in bed.. that I honestly felt like I was committing necrophilia on a living corpse. I honestly understood why she was divorced at that moment.

If I had been a lot older I would have suggested she get therapy... for everyone's sake. But I was 19 at the time and she was 30... it might have been a lost cause. At the time I was just thinking about how I could get rid of her without hurting her feelings...

I really wish I knew the story... but she wouldn't tell me at the time. And that was the kiss of death to the relationship. I can't and won't have compassion or understanding for something someone won't admit to.

Incidentally... I've been married for over 20 years to a woman that I don't find boring. So they do exist... if you look long enough, and make the right choice.

I still look at porn... she has enough self esteem to know I chose to stay with her. And she doesn't get jealous of every other woman that might be the slightest bit attractive. In fact she knows what I like.. and points them out to me even before I see them... and she doesn't feel at all threatened by them.

Committed doesn't equal castrated.

lol well guys he just proposed to me so I guess it all paid off. Case rested. Fight amongst yourselves now. =) porn or not I got my guy, by voicing my opinion and just being me. My advice, never sell yourself short.

Yes you got him. Congratulations. That's the easy part, and just the beginning. Good luck.

And I also wish you both the best of luck... life together is what you both make of it at this point... good or bad.

"Most of the issues with people and porn is that they reject it for no solid reason. They have a stigma about sex and that same issue will follow them into the bedroom and often stop them from even fully enjoying sex"

This is true for some people sure, but not quite right. I know many people who object to porn simply because it's exploitive and/or think it's existence stands in contrast to what the legal system and morality deem to be upright. Such people don't have any objections to real sex, just to prostitution with cameras for desperate people who couldn't get any other job. And it's not like that's a flimsy reason for objecting.

Smoothy, every time I read one of your posts like #32 on this thread, I get the feeling you really don't like women. From what you write, I get the impression that you think the majority are sexually inhibited and dying to control a man (and make him suffer through denial of adequately exciting sex) that have cheating coming to them because they are just such awful people. And that the only good woman is one who nevers causes any incovenience or asks anything of her partner but is all about supporting his roving eye. I can't imagine you laying out this kind of role for a man in a relationship.

It is for the very reason that people are different that we discourage debate between posters because it takes away from the suggestions and advice to the OP. We have other forums for that kind of debate, but not here.