I love my husband but he has gained weight and has a huge belly and I can't overcome being turned off by it how can I get over this?

You talk to him OR you go for counseling. It's your problem, not his, although apparently it's a matrimonial issue.

Unfortunately sexual attraction fades. I trust you look exactly the same you did on the day you married him?

I hope he never gets sick, gets hurt, is disfigured because I get the feeling he will then be alone (and sick/hurt/disfigured).

Sad -

You talk to him OR you go for counseling. It's your problem, not his, although apparently it's a matrimonial issue.

Unfortunately sexual attraction fades. I trust you look exactly the same you did on the day you married him?

I hope he never gets sick, gets hurt, is disfigured because I get the feeling he will then be alone (and sick/hurt/disfigured).

Sad -
It's not like that! I am trying to find a way to get past it. It's only sexual other wise we get along good.
AND he has had trouble maintaining his erection in the past 7 years so that hasn't helped either of us.
Don't be rude looking for helpful advice not hateful advice

Help him solve his health problems, as being overweight brings on many other issues such as high blood pressure and hyper tension, heart problems, and affects the sex life more than people know. If you present this as a health concern, and not sex concern you may have better luck having him see a doctor and addressing his issues.

Is he on any meds already? See if any of them contributes to his erectile dysfunction.

You are asking for "help" and information on a public board. If you only want to hear from people who will agree with you, talk to your family and friends.

This started as a "his weight/belly" issue. Now erectile disfunction is thrown into the mix. It's impossible to answer a question when only half of the info is posted and then the question changes based on the answer.

He needs to see a Physician - if this has been a problem, particularly for a length of time and you are unhappy/disatisfied with your sex life. If it's been this long and he hasn't consulted with a Physician I'm "guessing" he's not all that unhappy with the situation. For health reasons alone he should see a Physician, sex aside.

My opinion, although you may not like to hear it, is valid. People change. Sex changes. Looks change. People marry and find themselves in a relationship with an invalid for any number of reasons. Some people stay. Some people go.

The people who are all about physical appearances go.

We can't change things. You may not be able to change things. Your husband can. The best you can do is talk to him. Of course, he may or may not listen.

If you are unhappy and he won't change, then you need to go into counseling and see if you can live with/in this relationship. It's obviously important enough to you to take the time and energy to post on AMHD so I think you need to get proactive and do something.

Help him solve his health problems, as being overweight brings on many other issues such as high blood pressure and hyper tension, heart problems, and affects the sex life more than people know. If you present this as a health concern, and not sex concern you may have better luck having him see a doctor and addressing his issues.

Is he on any meds already? See if any of them contributes to his erectile dysfunction.

I have tried to get the point to him for my concern in many ways.
HEALTH being a big one as his father had heart problems and prostrate and we also have 2 young children.

No he doesn't take any medicines at all.

I have encouraged him to go to a doctor for the past few years but haven't won.

?

I'm not sure that the husband doesn't know OP is "turned off" by his body and that that isn't affecting his sex drive.

I'm pretty sure I would sense the change if my partner became "turned off" by my body, and I wouldn't expose myself to the rejection.

Sometimes feelings and attitudes can be read loud and clear, sometimes more clearly than the actual words.

How old are you both, how long have you been married, and do YOU work?

Trying to find what the communication problems is between you. He ain't listening. Often it takes a big event to get guys to pay attention, but since you have made this about losing attraction and not being satified then I think there is something else going on besides sexual frustrations or attraction in other areas of the marriage.

Two small children has its own stresses to a couple, financially being the biggest one. How old are they?

Is your home yours are has there been a big move, or is one planned?

Deserves both a greenie and applause - very well expressed.

A thought and it is not meant to be hateful or spiteful in any way. More something for you to think upon.

Do you think it is possible that you've fallen out of love with him and you're not quite sure why. That you pounce on something just to justify the reason even though you're still not sure?

It honestly sounds like you're starting to justify something. I don't know what, but something.

Anyhow, with that rattling around in your head here are some immediate steps you can start on your own.

1). For the love of all that is holy, talk to him. Don't talk AT him, NAG him, BERATE him, or silently disapprove of him; talk to him. Explain your concerns with his health. The way I see it is there is a HUGE elephant in the room and no one is willing to talk to him about it. Get him to seem a doctor about his health.

Erectile dysfunction can be caused by many things and can herald many disorders that are quite serious.

2). Stop being judgemental of your husbands shape. You've had two kids. I am sure you're not in the same shape you were when you meet him. How are those stretch marks? That tummy is flat? How about your breasts? They still Perky? I will bet you dimes to donuts that he still loves every little imperfection on you. That's harsh. I am sorry for that.

3). After he's gone to the doctor and the like, maybe you can hit a marriage counsellor and try to figure out what is going on and how you can rebuild the relationship. Stop spinning the wheels and get back on tract.

We're all rooting for you here, but you can't think yourself above your partner. That is a recipe for disaster and one that can destroy relationships. Communication and support is required and without that... who knows what will happen.

A thought and it is not meant to be hateful or spiteful in any way. More something for you to think upon.

Do you think it is possible that you've fallen out of love with him and you're not quite sure why. That you pounce on something just to justify the reason even though you're still not sure?

It honestly sounds like you're starting to justify something. I don't know what, but something.

Anyhow, with that rattling around in your head here are some immediate steps you can start on youir own.

1). For the love of all that is holy, talk to him. Don't talk AT him, NAG him, BERATE him, or silently disapprove of him; talk to him. Explain your concerns with his health. The way I see it is there is a HUGE elephant in the room and no one is willing to talk to him about it. Get him to seem a doctor about his health.

Erectile dysfunction can be caused by many things and can herald many disorders that are quite serious.

2). Stop being judgemental of your husbands shape. You've had two kids. I am sure you're not in the same shape you were when you meet him. How are those stretch marks? That tummy is flat? How about your breasts? They still Perky? I will bet you dimes to donuts that he still loves every little imperfection on you. That's harsh. I am sorry for that.

3). After he's gone to the doctor and the like, maybe you can hit a marriage counsellor and try to figure out what is going on and how you can rebuild the relationship. Stop spinning the wheels and get back on tract.

We're all rooting for you here, but you can't think yourself above your partner. That is a recipe for disaster and one that can destroy relationships. Communication and support is required and without that... who knows what will happen.

As for myself I go to the doctors and I exercise and I am watching my eating and trying to maintain a healthy self. I never claimed to be a hot body beautiful person and I am more concerned about my body than he is that is obvious but I'm not that much heavier than I was then
. And as for interest else were... That's the wrong track. I have no other interest than my kids and my husband and family.
I just want him to be healthier and for us to get somewhere close back to where we were. I know it will never be the same as it was that doesn't happen after being together for long periods time.
Not looking for a way out but a solution to get us back.

How old are you both, how long have you been married, and do YOU work?

Trying to find what the communication problems is between you. He ain't listening. Often it takes a big event to get guys to pay attention, but since you have made this about losing attraction and not being satified then I think there is something else going on besides sexual frustrations or attraction in other areas of the marriage.

Two small children has its own stresses to a couple, financially being the biggest one. How old are they?

Is your home yours are has there been a big move, or is one planned?
2 under 15, own and no moves and none planned, 15 yrs

This area is the only problem we have. We do not fight about money, kids, or etc.
The only fight is weight and I really feel the non performance problem has gotten worse with weight gain.

However eating lots of breads and drinking pop is definitely not going to help the weight nor is eating stuff late at night. But he doesn't seem to care.
I am doing a weight watching myself right now because I don't feel healthy weight and I am encouraging him to so it too but NO.

I have just kept hoping that at some point he would feel the need to take control of it himself and I would have to say nothing.

I don't expect him to be six pack and skinny just a healthy size.

As for myself I go to the doctors and I exercise and I am watching my eating and trying to maintain a healthy self. I never claimed to be a hot body beautiful person and I am more concerned about my body than he is that is obvious but I'm not that much heavier than I was then
. And as for interest else were ... That's the wrong track. I have no other interest than my kids and my husband and family.
I just want him to be healthier and for us to get somewhere close back to where we were. I know it will never be the same as it was that doesn't happen after being together for long periods time.
Not looking for a way out but a solution to get us back.

Then your best bet is to talk to him.

It seems he hasn't changed, you have, as you have developed a plan of health and he has NOT. But I think the solution is why he has such bad eating habits and it may be grounded in what goes on in his daily life. Stress or the way he handles stress. Maybe not from you, but his other areas of life.

I see this as a communications break down, and like JKTee, suspect he is pushing back against your frustration with him.

It seems he hasn't changed, you have, as you have developed a plan of health and he has NOT. But I think the solution is why he has such bad eating habits and it may be grounded in what goes on in his daily life. Stress or the way he handles stress. Maybe not from you, but his other areas of life.

I see this as a communications break down, and like JKTee, suspect he is pushing back against your frustration with him.
Okay thank you.

Love should pass over all the worries and problems that life would throw...
This is one of them, and I am pretty sure that you both still love each other, so you should stay & talks to him, but don't tell him you are being turned off from the way he looks, that may hurt, I am pretty sure you also have changed in some areas, so you should find the attractive thing in him, that spark you used to have for him, you should try to get it back...
Stay with him, try to let him go for a gym or walks, but try not to hurt him with words...

All the best,
Patrik

Love should pass over all the worries and problems that life would throw...
This is one of them, and i am pretty sure that you both still love each other, so you should stay & talks to him, but dont tell him you are being turned off from the way he looks, that may hurt, i am pretty sure you also have changed in some areas, so you should find the attractive thing in him, that spark you used to have for him, you should try to get it back...
Stay with him, try to let him go for a gym or walks, but try not to hurt him with words...

All the best,
Patrik

Thank you.

You have been given some excellent advice.

You say you want things the way they were (within reason.) I have a question for you: How much time do you spend together being 'lovers'? Cuddling, hand holding, talking about dreams of the future or sharing jokes, relaxing and letting the stress of daily life slip away? Is there affection, romance, etc. in your marriage or has it turned into a knot of responsibilities such as parenting, working, maintaining a home, trying to be healthy and keep the rest of the family healthy?

If this were an issue with the children or home, how would you handle it? Do you talk with each other and come to a solution or does one person take charge? Their decision is final?

Is he afraid of going through what his father did? It may be that he is concerned about his body, but is very scared. People can react in strange ways when they are afraid of something.

My wife's nagging never prompted me to see a doctor. Quite the opposite, but a 5 day hospital stay changed my thinking and started a weight loss/exercise program.

Sad us guys are so stubborn and hard headed.

As for myself I go to the doctors and I exercise and I am watching my eating and trying to maintain a healthy self. I never claimed to be a hot body beautiful person and I am more concerned about my body than he is that is obvious but I'm not that much heavier than I was then
. And as for interest else were... That's the wrong track. I have no other interest than my kids and my husband and family.
I just want him to be healthier and for us to get somewhere close back to where we were. I know it will never be the same as it was that doesn't happen after being together for long periods time.
Not looking for a way out but a solution to get us back.

...

You missed the point completely. Reread that and think about the parts that didn't bruise your pride. I was trying to get you to think about things and talk to him and you're blathering on about how you've kept yourself in shape.

Look at the language you're using:

I am more concerned about my body than he is that is obvious
What does tell you about how you feel towards him? He's slothful and doesn't take care of himself. These are the feelings you have towards him. Disdain. That is the word I am looking for.

Going on:

the only fight is weight and I really feel the non performance problem has gotten worse with weight gain.

Post fight sex is one thing but if there is a general disinterest from a partner then the likely hood of you trying is minimal. A thought. It isn't that his desire is now, but he knows of your disdain of him and since you don't like the way he looks you doesn't think you want to see him naked or be with him intimately.

I am not saying that weight gain doesn't hamper sexual activity. Knowing that your partner isn't into you does very much more.


However eating lots of breads and drinking pop is definitely not going to help the weight nor is eating stuff late at night. But he doesn't seem to care.
I am doing a weight watching myself right now because I don't feel healthy weight and I am encouraging him to so it too but NO.

Nagging doesn't help. Talking at him doesn't help. You seem like the passive aggressive type too. Regardless you know this doesn't work.

What he is hearing is that you think he is fat. You think he doesn't care about himself. More importantly he hears that you're not attracted to him and don't really 'fancy' him anymore. These aren't the words that you're using but what he's probably hearing. He isn't hearing that you're concerned about his health or welfare.

Talk WITH him. Don't talk AT him. There is a difference.


I have just kept hoping that at some point he would feel the need to take control of it himself and I would have to say nothing.

I don't expect him to be six pack and skinny just a healthy size.

Does he know of your expectations of him? And don't say "We've been married long enough that he should know." That's bullsh!t.

If you wanted fluffy bunny, we agree, and he's horrible, type answers this is the wrong place to go. We're calling this as we see it and we're not necessarily going to agree with you. You need a shift in your attitude. You have a bevy of issues you need to deal with and you're under the illusion that you're fine and he's the only one with work to do.

You have been given some excellent advice.

You say you want things the way they were (within reason.) I have a question for you: How much time do you spend together being 'lovers'? Cuddling, hand holding, talking about dreams of the future or sharing jokes, relaxing and letting the stress of daily life slip away? Is there affection, romance, etc. in your marriage or has it turned into a knot of responsibilities such as parenting, working, maintaining a home, trying to be healthy and keep the rest of the family healthy?

If this were an issue with the children or home, how would you handle it? Do you talk with each other and come to a solution or does one person take charge? Their decision is final?

Is he afraid of going through what his father did? It may be that he is concerned about his body, but is very scared. People can react in strange ways when they are afraid of something.

Thank you that's is a good point about father.

My wifes nagging never prompted me to see a doctor. Quite the opposite, but a 5 day hospital stay changed my thinking and started a weight loss/exercise program.

Sad us guys are so stubborn and hard headed.

Sorry you went through that.
But I agree I'm soory men are that way. Don't understand why God made us so different when he want us in unity as one in marriage.

...

You missed the point completely. Reread that and think about the parts that didn't bruise your pride. I was trying to get you to think about things and talk to him and you're blathering on about how you've kept yourself in shape.

Look at the language you're using:

What does tell you about how you feel towards him? He's slothful and doesn't take care of himself. These are the feelings you have towards him. Disdain. That is the word I am looking for.

Going on:


Post fight sex is one thing but if there is a general disinterest from a partner then the likely hood of you trying is minimal. A thought. It isn't that his desire is now, but he knows of your disdain of him and since you don't like the way he looks you doesn't think you want to see him naked or be with him intimately.

I am not saying that weight gain doesn't hamper sexual activity. Knowing that your partner isn't into you does very much more.



Nagging doesn't help. Talking at him doesn't help. You seem like the passive aggressive type too. Regardless you know this doesn't work.

What he is hearing is that you think he is fat. You think he doesn't care about himself. More importantly he hears that you're not attracted to him and don't really 'fancy' him anymore. These aren't the words that you're using but what he's probably hearing. He isn't hearing that you're concerned about his health or welfare.

Talk WITH him. Don't talk AT him. There is a difference.



Does he know of your expectations of him? And don't say "We've been married long enough that he should know." That's bullsh!t.

If you wanted fluffy bunny, we agree, and he's horrible, type answers this is the wrong place to go. We're calling this as we see it and we're not neccessarily going to agree with you. You need a shift in your attitude. You have a bevy of issues you need to deal with and you're under the illusion that you're fine and he's the only one with work to do.

You are wrong totally about one thing.

I DO not think only has issues and I admit that to him openly.
Note I do know how to say I'm Sorry!!

And not looking for you to give me
Quote" fluffy Bunny Answers". Just don't appreciate being cut down when you have no idea what I am like or what I look like. That was just rude.

It is amazing that everyone who doesn't agree with you is rude and everyone who does (advice such from a person who can tell you both love each other, odd because your husband hasn't posted) is correct.

You are taking a very passive aggressive stance here and I agree with what was posted some time ago. You have issues in this marriage, and I'm not so sure the main issue is "his" weight and/or loss of sexual appetite.

"I am more concerned about my body than he is that is obvious but I'm not that much heavier than I was then ..." He probably thinks the same thing about his body. You are so busy defending yourself that you aren't hearing anything anyone says - other than advice you want to hear.

And, again, this started with his weight issues and suddenly it was about performance issues, too. You seem to have a need to degrade him while praising yourself.

I'll go back to my counseling suggestion.

You are wrong totally about one thing.

I DO not think only has issues and I admit that to him openly.
Note I do know how to say I'm Sorry!!!

And not looking for you to give me
Quote" fluffy Bunny Answers". Just don't appreciate being cut down when you have no idea what I am like or what I look like. That was just rude.

You give us what you have. That is all that we have to go on. You're not painting, intentionally or not, a good picture of yourself and your interactions with your husband. So unless you can convince me otherwise, here is what I know about you.
1). You're equally brash and passive aggressive.
2). You concentrate on looks. Both your own and your partner's.
3). You are a yummy mommy. Someone everyone should desire. Some people go for Susan Boyle and others go for Twiggy. Just 'cause you think you're attractive doesn't mean that everyone does.
4). You have an ego the size of New Zealand. Too much pride to consider that you have had a small part to place in this drama. Too little humility to consider what has been said here to help you.

I am trying to get you to think outside of your little box and your Stepford like existence. I am trying to get you to come together and communicate with your husband. You're not doing this. The subtleties in what you write here scream that.

So I have one last exercise for you. If you refuse this than I am sorry to say that I can't help you because you REFUSE help. Re-read this thread and imagine that a complete stranger is telling you what you're telling us. Don't read in the details that you AREN'T telling us. Take from it what you are telling us. What does that tell you?

You give us what you have. That is all that we have to go on. You're not painting, intentionally or not, a good picture of yourself and your interactions with your husband. So unless you can convince me otherwise, here is what I know about you.
1). You're equally brash and passive aggressive.
2). You concentrate on looks. Both your own and your partner's.
3). You are a yummy mommy. Someone everyone should desire. Some people go for Susan Boyle and others go for Twiggy. Just 'cause you think you're attractive doesn't mean that everyone does.
4). You have an ego the size of New Zealand. Too much pride to consider that you have had a small part to place in this drama. Too little humility to consider what has been said here to help you.

I am trying to get you to think outside of your little box and your Stepford like existence. I am trying to get you to come together and communicate with your husband. You're not doing this. The subtleties in what you write here scream that.

So I have one last exercise for you. If you refuse this than I am sorry to say that I can't help you because you REFUSE help. Re-read this thread and imagine that a complete stranger is telling you what you're telling us. Don't read in the details that you AREN'T telling us. Take from it what you are telling us. What does that tell you?


Well I think your username says it all for you.
I'm done.

-- this proving "Craven's" point.

Another big waste of time trying to get someone who doesn't really want advice, just wants to vent, to listen.

If we're going to do plays on names (and I'm bouncing off OP) her screen name says it all - this wife is trying - very, very trying.

-- this proving "Craven's" point.

Another big waste of time trying to get someone who doesn't really want advice, just wants to vent, to listen.

If we're going to do plays on names (and I'm bouncing off OP) her screen name says it all - this wife is trying - very, very trying.


Bravo!!

Well said!

Judy, you are my kind of girl!

Wife is trying,
I'd suggest coming back after a while (a month or two) and reread the advice you got. It was great advice! I've been on the receiving end of advice too,it can sting. I didn't get the advice until I came back and reread it months later (when I wasn't so sensitive). If you hang around here and read advice given to others, you'll see that some people give great advice, they just never sugar coat it at all! It can come out harsh or like an attack on you, but that doesn't stop it from being great advice. In a way that's good because it sort of stops you in your tracks and makes you rethink how you've been dealing with a problem altogether. No one is saying you're a bad person. I think they just want to kind of jolt you into realizing you're being vain/ superficial, and you should just think about the situation in a different way. Try to look at your husband in a different way (appreciate what makes him attractive altogether, don't just focus on his belly). And take a different approach in how you talk to him about it.

You can't change him, he can only change himself if he really wants to. It's out of your control. After explaining your concern so many times it's just going to sound like nagging. You can only do so much. You pretty much have to accept him the way he is. Belly and all. You'll be much happier that way. If he get's healthy and fit eventually it'll be because he decided to. And it should just be a bonus that he looks more attractive.

I have gained quite a bit of weight in the past 2 years and I'm sooo thankful my husband still thinks I'm attractive (or acts like it enough for me to believe him!). I'm already really hard on myself, someone else being hard on me would not help. I've just started to really try to lose weight in the past few months, but it was completely my choice. I'm not doing it for other people. And trust me the few people that mentioned my weight (usually older people like my Grandmother), it would just really hurt my feelings and I avoided her at all costs (I asked her to stop mentioning it and she wouldn't). The last thing it did was motivate me to be healthy.

Greentree, you are one VERY impressive lady!

Wow thanks Judy!! That means a lot coming from you! :)