Sorry this is long, but I really need help.

So me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half now, and this has been something I've been struggling with. My boyfriend watching porn, as well as me being unable to climax. Now I understand most men watch porn, however my boyfriend has been watching it since he was 14 (he is now 19) and watches it a lot more than I think is normal. Interestingly, at the start of our relationship I was totally fine with it, watched it myself, however I stopped after a while for various reasons - it wasn't a huge part of my life.

I have problems with anxiety and I have since I was young, mind you not when it comes to his attraction towards me, its not a fear of him not being satisfied, I know for a fact he loves our sex life - we have a very open relationship and talk about everything, and know that he is very attracted to me. But this anxiety does not help the situation. I feel sick to the stomach when I think about it. For the start of our relationship he was a jerk, coming out of the single life. Talked about other girls A LOT and past endeavors to me, and to his mates in front of me, and that wasn't even the worst. It was honestly the worst time of my life. And what scares me a little is I know have a very vivid hatred for certain types of men, any man who talks about girls like objects, it brings up a very intense hatred.

As you can imagine this has created some very deep, very real pain for me which I am still trying to heal. He is a very different person now - I have to make that very clear, but on top of all of this I have problems sexually. Used to be a person with a very active libido, now I feel it is not as strong. He was my first (I was not his) and I feel looking back on it I was not emotionally ready, it was half the reason I stayed with him despite him treating me terribly. This I believe caused problems for me sexually, it felt like during the time of him being a jerk, I was nothing but a doll for him to have sex with. It is not at all like this now, but I still have not climaxed. After a year and 2 months of sex, I have not orgasmed. I am recently finding sex painful, I used to get very wet very easily but now not at all, I find it difficult for him to turn me on at times and I am constantly worrying and thinking about doing everything right, which I do, but its all focused on him. He only started giving me oral and it is usually brief.

This growing hatred of him watching porn only worsens everything, I feel uncomfortable during sex, I do not like how he thinks if I am not wet its OK because it feels great for him, and I am beginning to wonder if I will ever climax. He is not even that open to lube. Every time I bring porn up, he gets angry, uncommon for him, he rarely gets angry.

I am just confused, I am actually a very sexual person within myself, but my libido just vanishes when we have sex. So my question really is, how do I approach the porn issue? And is my sexual something I should be worried about? Help would be very appreciated!

Sorry this is long, but I really need help.

So me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half now, and this has been something I've been struggling with. My boyfriend watching porn, as well as me being unable to climax. Now I understand most men watch porn, however my boyfriend has been watching it since he was 14 (he is now 19) and watches it a lot more than I think is normal. Interestingly, at the start of our relationship I was totally fine with it, watched it myself, however I stopped after a while for various reasons - it wasn't a huge part of my life.

Why do you think he is watching more than normal? How do you define normal? How often is he watching it?

As it is honestly to be expected. To be honest, the female arousal cycle is completely different than a mans. He is more of a visual person so see the naked flesh slapping is a huge turn for him. Just to be clear he is not really wanting to have sex with these people, it is just a seed of a fantasy.

So you're more likely to get turned on by say a romance novel or romantic comedy or what not.

Why can't you climax? Have you been able to reach one on your own? IE, masturbate?


I have problems with anxiety and I have since I was young, mind you not when it comes to his attraction towards me, its not a fear of him not being satisfied, I know for a fact he loves our sex life - we have a very open relationship and talk about everything, and know that he is very attracted to me. But this anxiety does not help the situation. I feel sick to the stomach when I think about it. For the start of our relationship he was a jerk, coming out of the single life. Talked about other girls A LOT and past endeavors to me, and to his mates in front of me, and that wasn't even the worst. It was honestly the worst time of my life. And what scares me a little is I know have a very vivid hatred for certain types of men, any man who talks about girls like objects, it brings up a very intense hatred.

He loves your sex life. What is the problem here again?


As you can imagine this has created some very deep, very real pain for me which I am still trying to heal. He is a very different person now - I have to make that very clear, but on top of all of this I have problems sexually. Used to be a person with a very active libido, now I feel it is not as strong. He was my first (I was not his) and I feel looking back on it I was not emotionally ready, it was half the reason I stayed with him despite him treating me terribly. This I believe caused problems for me sexually, it felt like during the time of him being a jerk, I was nothing but a doll for him to have sex with. It is not at all like this now, but I still have not climaxed. After a year and 2 months of sex, I have not orgasmed. I am recently finding sex painful, I used to get very wet very easily but now not at all, I find it difficult for him to turn me on at times and I am constantly worrying and thinking about doing everything right, which I do, but its all focused on him. He only started giving me oral and it is usually brief.

You're stressing about being a bad lay which is causing you to be a bad lay. If that makes sense. You're so focused on pleasing him and not being able too that you're turning yourself off. It is becoming a chore and you feel like you're failing at it. This could be causing a good about of your problems.

A funny thing about women, they rarely climax through vaginal intercourse and being 'wet' is rare. So to speak. Personal lubricant is your friend and there's nothing wrong with using it. Being chaffed isn't going to make things easier.

Stop worrying about what happens during your intimate encounters. Let it happen the way it is going to happen. Trust me to say that it is easy to get a guy off with vaginal penetration. He's not going to notice that you're not doing it right to your standards.


This growing hatred of him watching porn only worsens everything, I feel uncomfortable during sex, I do not like how he thinks if I am not wet its OK because it feels great for him, and I am beginning to wonder if I will ever climax. He is not even that open to lube. Every time I bring porn up, he gets angry, uncommon for him, he rarely gets angry.

I am just confused, I am actually a very sexual person within myself, but my libido just vanishes when we have sex. So my question really is, how do I approach the porn issue? And is my sexual something I should be worried about? Help would be very appreciated!


I don't think porn is the problem here. I believe that it is a convenient excuse for other issues in the relationship. I believe you've latched onto porn being the problem because you're not completely sure what the problem is and kind of unwilling to give thought to what it could be.

This is your mental block, not his. The women in porn do not portray what a man really expects from sex. Porn doesn't portray anything near what men expect during sex. I never want to blow my load on my wife's face. That is just degrading. Comparing yourself and your sex life to what you see in porn is like comparing what you look like to fashion magazines.

TL;DR:
1). Your sex life is good. You have admitted it. He likes laying you.
2). You're comparing yourself to the women in porn and how porn works. Stop that. It ain't healthy.
3). Figure out how to give yourself orgasms. Find a dildo, vibrator, shower head, or bananananana, and give yourself some release.
4). Let the porn go. It isn't your problem. Have sex and enjoy it.
5). Invest in some lube.

If things don't get better talk to a therapist. It will do you a world of good.

You need to speak up for yourself more. You said sex can be painful sometimes (because you don't get wet enough), but he's not open to using lube. You need to make it clear to him that you need to use lube in order for it not to hurt. If it hurts, then tell him to stop. I bet he'd be open to using lube then (because he'll want to continue)!

Also he sounds a bit selfish in bed. But you aren't helping that because you've been so worried and focused on what he wants. And like you said he loves the sex, so there's no reason you should be worried about him. You need to focus more on your experience. Get him to do more foreplay on you. You said he's done oral on you, but not for long. Well get him to keep doing it until your satisfied! (orgasm or not)

As far as not having an orgasm yet. Most women don't orgasm from sex (I never have either). A lot of women orgasm from oral sex though. Get him to stay down there long enough, and see what happens. If you don't want to do that, then get him to use his fingers, etc, whatever you want him to do. And don't be shy to tell him to go softer, slower, faster, up, down whatever! You need to start really enjoying yourself.

I also don't think porn is the problem. Like you said, you are remembering the jerk he used to be and it has been getting to you. It sounds like the sex happened too fast, before the relationship was serious. And now you're thinking it was probably just about your looks/ body to him, and I guess you are resenting that now? There's nothing you can do to change how it happened in the beginning. That's in the past. All you can do is focus on now. How he's treating you now and how things are feeling for you now. You need to communicate more about how you're feeling. It sounds like he needs to put extra effort into treating you good. And maybe you need reassurance that he's not with you just because of your looks. That he's with you because he loves you, not just your body. Please speak up for yourself. He can't read your mind. He may not realize at all that he's being selfish in bed because you always seem happy about it and don't tell him what you want.

I really don't think porn has anything to do with it. Unless he is watching it a ton and neglecting you? But from everything you said it doesn't sound like he's neglecting you at all.

So can you orgasm on your own? If so, that is a great start to tell him what you like (or show him). And please use the lube for sex so it will feel good for you! If I were you though, I'd try to have an orgasm before sex, then you might find you don't need the lube. :)

So how about saying NO, make him use lube or no sex, you are the one spreading their legs, and have the choice.

Next climax, that almost never happens during actual sex but will happen in foreplay, so does he do foreplay, it can go on for 30 minutes or a hour often before actual sex starts.

But I appears YOU have many issues and are right now blaming porn, if boyfriend is not taking time, and you let him go, there is a communication issue,