I've been dating my boyfriend (a cop) almost a year, He has always been kind and a gentleman to me. However, we recently had our first big fight and it's left me feeling disconnected.

We went to see a movie. During the movie, I took my hand away from his at one point. After the movie he was cold and quiet towards me. I kept asking questions about what was wrong and finally asked if I did something to upset him, not thinking about anything I could have done wrong. He said... yes, actually, that I had given him a look of disgust during the movie scene where he was laughing at a violent scene and threw his hand away and then never even reached to take it back. I was speechless and bewildered. The worst part is, the way he looked at me and talked to me. The way he acted towards me, I can only describe as how he would talk to and look at a "bad guy" or someone he hates and wants to bring down, a criminal. I felt powerless, because I had trusted him a lot up to this point. I tried to explain to him I had no idea what he was talking about, he said "don't lie to me, you're only making it worse". Ouch. I tried to explain again, he wouldn't hear me out.

We got home, and he said I should probably go. Another Big Ouch. At this point I'm still bewildered and frustrated as hell. I tried explaining to him and asking about what he meant when I threw his hand away and gave him a look of disgust for laughing at a violent scene. All I could tell him was that I didn't do that, I'm not lying about it, and he can't assume he knows what's going through my head, and why won't he believe me. I carried all my stuff (several bags) to my car by myself, dropping things, and felt humiliated.

He called me about 20 minutes later to ask if I was okay. He was very apologetic. He said to talk to him whenever I was ready. When we talked, he finally admitted that he has trust issues from the past and couldn't deal when he thought I was lying to his face. But he also admitted he was being a jerk to me and felt so bad because this was all coming from his head, didn't actually happen. He thought I was judging him for laughing during a violent scene (I wasn't, because it was a funny, over the top kind of scene... no idea how my look came off as a look of disgust... ) I told him I need to be heard out and not talked over when I'm trying to explain myself, and next time I needed him to talk to me and ask me questions about what he thought was going on before assuming I was doing something like he thought I did in the theatre. I told him I understand that it brought up old feelings for him, but that I've never lied to him and it hurt me he said I lied when I know I didn't and wouldn't even listen to me. I told him, please don't ever ask me to leave again. I told him, the worst things for me was you asking me to leave, you talking and looking at me like I was someone you wanted to put away for 10 years (not those exact words), that he spoke to me the way he did. He said he was wrong for the way he spoke and acted towards me, said that "cop guy" came out. I said I hated that.

Sorry for the length- but, I am so torn right now. I don't want him to treat me like that again because his "cop" side comes out. This is the first time it happened. He said it wouldn't happen again, and I sure hope it doesn't. I guess it's up to me if I want to take that chance and stick around to see if he keeps his promise.

Firstly, may I ask why you didn't want to hold his hand for the remainder of the movie? There must have been a solid reason for you doing so.

Secondly, I am not defending your boyfriend's disrespectful demeanour by any means, but I can see why he would feel hurt and distant from you after you didn't hold his hand. I've had this happen to me before and it felt like a "sign" that my partner was losing interest in me or was noticeably mad about something that had to do with our relationship. It turned out I was right. So if your boyfriend has trust issues that he has yet to overcome, it probably doesn't help when he feels you are unwilling to do small, affectionate things like hold his hand. Should he continue to pout about this incident? Of course not. It's not a mature, wise conclusion to make about how much you value him or your relationship. Maybe you didn't realize how cold your behaviour came across. However, I think it's important for the two of you to discuss what is truly bothering both of you so that he doesn't read too much into your actions towards him. This sounds like a very sensitive matter for your guy and if he feels trust could be violated with you, it's your responsibility to ensure you are doing everything in your power to make him feel secure. This is not to say you need to give him constant reassurance like a 5-year-old, but you do need to be aware of how your actions are triggering some of his innate feelings, and do what you can to modify the behaviour if you feel there are things you can improve on. Hope this helped.

His reaction is somewhat 'drama queen-ish.' Why would he kick you out just because you gave him one bad look let alone that it was just a look he interpreted as bad. Was something else going on or did something else happen that day that might have set him off? If not, he seems unstable and insecure and this 'cop guy' coming out sounds like a lame excuse for poorly handled emotions. If he acts like this very often, I think you should consider ending the relationship.

Although I gave you some insight about your own behaviour, I do agree with backpack 2389 that if this is a pattern of behaviour and he tends to react immaturely and irate at such small and insignificant gestures, then he is letting his personal insecurities negatively affect the relationship and this is not right. Whether this is a frequent tendency or a one time thing, there is a much deeper explanation behind the behaviour and if he can't deal with his emotions in an adult-like manner, then this is not the man you want to be with. You should have a partner that is willing to meet you half way when problems arise and not transfer the blame to you if what he's feeling is an inadequacy within himself.

He grossly over-reacted to something you apparently didn't do. Frankly, I give "disapproving" glances to my 18 year old son when he laughs at violent scenes pretty regularly - he calls it "the look". It has nothing to do with not loving him. It has to do with the fact that many men find violence far more entertaining and funny than I do. There's a sense of humor to the "glance". I must say, the men I know have their own "the look" - it's that, "I think I'm going to hurl" look when forced to sit through a historical romance or other "feel-good" kind of chick-flick type movie. If your boyfriend is going to be offended by your reaction to a movie - uhm, not a good sign unless you're willing to give up movies.

But he also dragged this out to this whole big deal - he didn't have the emotional maturity and social skill to first of all, accept you at face value when you told him you didn't intend to give him a disapproving look. He tried to force you into claiming an opinion and feeling that wasn't yours, then remain mad at you for his manufactured slight. That's all kinds of irrational.

It's important to be able to fight, and to be able to fight fair. He admitted he has past issues. He's in a really aggressive profession. Because he is surrounded by violence and bad people, and because he carries a weapon, I would insist on counseling to work through those issues and learn to fight fair and listen to each other, as an absolute condition for continuing this relationship.

This might be a over-reaction to one incident, but I don't think so given how long this argument has persisted - it could be a sign of an abusive turn in your relationship. Take it seriously. Either break up, or set some boundaries. Then watch - if this happens again, don't wait for a fifth and sixth example of it.

Not that you have to flee the moment you see a flaw in someone - the question is, what flaws are deal breakers. An inability to fight fair and that kind of over-the-top reaction, from a man who carries a gun daily, would be very concerning to me.

Good luck to you.

Thanks for all of your advice and concern. I was definitely debating if I should end my relationship with him.

I saw him last night and decided that I needed to tell him certain things to make him understand how his actions/words affected me, and what I will/ will not tolerate. He was back to his usual loving self (seriously, this whole incident was the first I've seen him like that), but obviously I still felt distanced. He could tell I was still upset, and I told him I was, and he said I probably should be after what he'd done. So, I was glad he understood that it was a problem what he had done. He tried to comfort me, hold me, but I told him I needed to talk about what happened some more.

I told him, just as you want to be treated well and respected, so do I. I told him he had done that up to this point. I told him it was such a shock to me how he acted, and that it's not what I want to be around, and it's not what makes me happy. And that if I didn't care about him, I wouldn't be here sitting and talking to him. I told him whatever that "cop guy" thing was, was not who I wanted to be around. I told him, it is normal that people get on each other's nerves from time to time... and next time it may happen, are you going to act like that again towards me? He assured me he could control his self and his emotions. I asked him are you sure, he said yes. I told him I don't want that to happen again. I guess he thought I meant could he control himself/would he hit me or something- he said he would die first before anything like that happened. I've never been physically abused and would never stay with someone who did that. He listened to me and seemed to understand and felt very badly, and I do want to give him another chance.

Although I had seriously considered ending my relationship with him, because of how good it's been up until then (he HAS been loving and supportive), and how he acted AFTER the issue (apologizing, listening to me and talking to me calmly, like an adult), I want to trust what he is telling me and give this a chance.

However, if it becomes a pattern, it is not something I will be able to stay with him for, and I believe he now knows this.

Maybe just something bad happened that day or who knows. The important thing seems to be that he did apologize and did admit that he was wrong. He let you talk to him about it and he seems to understand he made a terrible mistake. That is more than you would get from a lot of guys. If he can stick with, and stand by what he said, everything should come out fine.

Normally, I am the first one on here to tell someone to break up and forget him... in this case, it looks like you may have solved your own problem and things may actually get back on the right track.

I wish you all the best.

Divorce and even suicide is the highest among police officers in most western countries.

A police office does feel normally that it is everyone else against them. Most people either don't respect or they fear him. His life is in danger every day, a simple speeding stop, is where more officers are hurt or killed than anything else.

Many have a macho ego issue and enjoy getting a release from more violent TV and movies. It is actually almost sexual, and after watching a violent movie may be in the mood for sex like other men would be watching porn.

This is why many officers turn to affairs with other officers, and also drinking, since most people can not understand how they think.

They often don't talk about what they see daily since they see the scum of the earth on a daily basis. The great citizens will curse them when they get stopped for a traffic problem. When they go to take a report of a crime, they will be told how to do their job by people who watch too much CSI on TV.

Most will not go to counseling, since they are scared it will be reported to their department and could effect their job.

Sometimes standing up to him and just saying NO, and waiting till he will talk about it works.

Next, also if you are that ready and easy to move out of his home, this will be a habit repeated time and time again