Hi everyone. This is going to be a long post so my apologies in advance.

I dated a really nice guy, who turned out to be a psychopath, really.

We were friends for a few months before we started dating and we dated for a few months. He was a fun, cool guy to be around, a good friend and a shoulder to cry on. And it took me a long time of ignoring the red flags before I gave up and left him.

It started with arguments about me talking to my male friends. You know the drill. He went through my Facebook and made me delete pretty much everyone but my family. He would drink, call me names one day and send me flowers the next. He abused me in every way, then apologized, promised he would change and begged me to take him back every time I wanted to break it off.

It got worse when I got a new job and was “around educated people like myself” (his words) he told me he was uncomfortable with me having lunch with my colleagues so I watched people go out for lunch for months while I ate alone at my desk. When we broke up the first time, I found an apartment and moved out of my parents' house. A few days later, he was at my doorstep with his bags, telling me how much he loved me and how he would seek professional help. He was telling people that we moved in together and it drove me crazy. Nonetheless, he went to see a psychiatrist but 3 weeks later he was back to drinking. That being my last hope, I got tired and started, gradually, to break it off. First I asked him to move his stuff back to his mom's house, then not to come for a week and about month later, I told him it was over.

He kept calling me, showing up at my workplace and beg me for a coffee and I gave in once. It kept going on like this for 3 weeks, during which we had sex once - and I know, that's even more stupid than staying with him. The next day I cut all contact and changed my cell number.


Post break-up:
A few weeks after the breakup he showed up at my apartment, we had a mature talk about how it wasn't working anyway, said we could be friends in the future etc.

2 weeks later started a period where he would show up at my doorstep in the middle of the night, drunk and crying, begging me to take him back and screaming me horrible insults when I refused to talk or listen to him.

The first time he did that, after 10 phone calls to his indifferent parents, they came to pick him up.

The second time, he called my my house phone doing the same thing: begging, then screaming. I told him I was leaving the country and he ended up saying I wouldn't ever hear from him again.

A month later, a friend called me and said he asked her to, that it was urgent. I called back and his mom answered. She said he went to my house and I wasn't there, that he misses me, and asked me all sorts of inappropriate questions (including if I was seeing someone) so I told her nicely that I have no interest in being with her son. She promised me she would talk to him and he wouldn't ever bother me again.

The third time he showed up, I called my parents and my dad had a “guy talk” with him, telling him he can't force people to love them, that I'm leaving the country soon anyway – he promised my dad he would leave and 30 minutes later, he was back. He left later that night.

The worst happened after that.

I didn't hear from him for another month or so and one morning I woke up (I was staying over at my friend's house) and had a text from my mom about what happened the night before. Apparently, he went to my house -as usual- and he was drunk. He rang, then woke up the neighbours – who knew my story – and they told him to leave, saying I wasn't home. So he broke the windows of my building. They were too scared to call the police so they watched him leave. Then he went to my parents house and started knocking on windows. When no one answered, he broke them too. The neighbours there were brave enough to call the police, though.

My mom called his mom who asked her “not to call the police” , said they “would pay for the windows”(! ) and when my mom said the police was already there she started telling her horrible lies about me and completely in denial, kept saying “her son wouldn't hurt a fly.” The next day my mom went to the police and filed a complaint about the broken window. They have a trial this month.

I got a restraining order the next day so he couldn't be near my house or work place but I was still scared so within a week, I moved to a new apartment and changed all of my phone numbers this time, took my name off the directoires etc.

I am exhausted.
We broke up 8 months ago.
The restraining order is valid for 3 months – unless he makes a move.
It ended 2 days ago.


The only place where he can reach me now is my job and I am not intending to quit anytime soon. I spent 3 months taking less crowded streets, wearing hoodies and glasses, watching everyone walking behind me and since he never made a move, the restraining order is now off.

The trial is on though and my mom says he has to pay for what he did. He will have a jail sentence valid within 5 years on his record which means he can't even take the risk to get a parking ticket or he will go to jail, that he will probably lose his job + his parents will pay a few thousand bucks to the government and the windows' costs to my parents.

If you read this far, thank you, here are my questions:

1. Since he stopped bothering us and if he is living his life now, wouldn't the trial remind him of everything that happened and get him mad? I honestly think that he wouldn't even think of what he did in the first place and I'd just be the b**** who made his parents lose money (they aren't in good shape financially) and him, his job.

2. How long the paranoia will keep going and what is the solution? (Without quitting my job)

3. If you experienced something (even slightly) similar, how long do you think it takes for the psycho to let go and move on?

Any other input is appreciated and again, thank you for reading all this and not judging my poor choices.

1. The trial won't "remind" him of anything. He's obsessive... he already remembers every moment. You need the trial. If he gets a jail sentence, nobody has given it to him - he has given it to himself. Orders of protection can be renewed, extended and even made permanent and this needs to be your goal.

2. Do not call yourself paranoid. You have a legitimate, well-founded fear of a real threat. Absolutely do not own any of this mess - you are dealing with a sick person and the behaviors are his own. The legitimate fear of him will subside when you are safe and have done what you need to do to work through what you've been through. I recommend counseling.

3. there's no telling how long he will obsess. You can't assume that you're safe unless he has no access to you. For this reason, you cannot go soft on police reports and court dates. Report and prosecute for everything he does.


It's unfortunate that he did so much without calls to the police. If he ever comes to any door of yours or your job or your family members, call the police immediately. Tell them, "a man who has been stalking me is pounding on my door. I am affraid he will kill or hurt me if he gets in. Please come right away." If you're family calls, they need to say, "a man who has been stalking our daughter is pounding at our door. He once broke windows in our home trying to get to our daughter and we have charges pending for it. We are affraid for our lives and safety."

Never, ever again just call his family - call the police, every single time - immediately. Don't even talk to the guy - just call the police. Do not respond, do not answer the door.

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Great post. Don't worry about the length of it. Sometimes it's helpful to vent on here even if not everyone is willing to read on.

In response to your questions, here is what I think:

1. Sure, he might get mad during the trial and it might put his parents in a more financially draining situation but then again, he has to learn there are consequences for bad behaviour. If you're afraid this might trigger a negative response from him as in he might continue to stalk you and make your life increasingly miserable afterwards, then be sure you do your homework about what can be done to protect yourself from a situation that could worsen with time. I'm not trying to scare you in any way but this sounds pretty serious and obviously his behaviour is escalating to an unhealthy extreme. Surround yourself by people you completely trust--your mom, your dad, your best friend or a sibling. Make sure they're all aware of this person's track record so they can watch out for you. This doesn't necessarily change how he will react towards you or the court order but it will allow you to feel more protected from someone who has proven to be quite scary and unpredictable.

2. You are not paranoid but justifiable in your fear. It will take time before you feel your life has resumed to "normal". Unfortunately, he has instilled this lack of security in you. How can you sleep at night not knowing if he will show up at your work, your new apartment, etc. How will you know if he will harm you, your friends, etc. The answer is you don't so in turn your sense of helplessness is allowing you to feel worried about every little thing he might do in retaliation. Don't let this rule your life. It will be hard to get over initially because he won't let you go, but in time I hope he will realize this is a waste of time and give up. Otherwise, it will be impossible for you to move forward with your life and do the things you enjoyed doing before you met him. You shouldn't allow someone so inconsiderate and controlling dictate your life. You have the power to steer your own course. It's unfortunate your parents have had to deal with this on account of him being your ex boyfriend. I wish them well!

3. I have never dealt directly with this level of abuse but I did date someone who emailed me almost every day for 6 months after we had broken up. There were times when I was afraid he would show up at my college and make a scene. Luckily he didn't but it's not fair to constantly look over your shoulder and wonder if you're safe. Once they give up though because they realize the result is hopeless, it becomes easier to resume your old life. At least for you you're out of the country. As for your parents, I really hope he doesn't cause anymore trouble. If so, I agree you should call the police without hesistation. If you can't, someone else who cares for you will because they have heard the full story and will want to do everything in their power to protect you.

I wish you all the best! :)