I am in a committed relationship with a lady we see each other every Wednesday she stays over at my house and Friday night to Sunday afternoon. She can't wait to come out by me and get away from her place for awhile. We both totally enjoy our time together. I am retired and look forward to her visits she works as a teacher and is busy.

After a recent argument she said she wants a weekend away from me a month to do whatever. I told her I think we don't see each other enough as it is and disagree with her one weekend a month idea.

If she had something specific to take care of that could not be taken care of at any other time I could go along with that on rare occasions. I feel she is just doing this because she knows it pisses me off.

Any advise would help.

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"I told her I think we don't see each other enough" - did she have a response to this? Does she agree that it is a committed relationship or does she feel she can see other people?

With the little information you gave it doesn't sound like she is doing this to punish you. Has she done other things to punish you in the past? If she is teaching all day 5 days a week she might need a weekend to get her stuff done. Can you go there? Have you offered that option?

"I told her I think we don't see each other enough" - did she have a response to this? Does she agree that it is a committed relationship or does she feel she can see other people?

With the little information you gave it doesn't sound like she is doing this to punish you. Has she done other things to punish you in the past? If she is teaching all day 5 days a week she might need a weekend to get her stuff done. Can you go there? Have you offered that option?

Thanks Oliver... I gave the site the short version... we are actually engaged with no immediate plans for marriage so no other people are involved.I am 20 years older than her and help her financially at times and in her dealings as a single parent from time to time.The recent argument was her thinking she can take care of herself... but in reality she asks for my help in certain situations dealing with various life issues.I would be happy if she could handle her issues without my help because I think she feels I am controlling her and by her wanting her alone weekend she is in control... do I make any sense??

No it makes no sense as what's a weekend apart in a committed relationship? That it has to have an official designation may be her wanting some kind of independence for herself and maybe you could benefit too. Its reasonable to assume that between working everday, and kids one weekend a month for herself is understandable so give it to her.

I mean what kind of harm could shopping with the girls, lunch and a drink and just sleeping in alone on Sunday do for a hard working girl? She probably deserves it after catering to children and a boyfriend everyday, non stop. Give her a break.

Maybe she just needs a break, a weekend to herself. I don't think that is too much to ask, or punishment. You sound a bit controlling.

Thanks Tal and Homegirl... Its a funny thing my two daughters,who like my fiancé a lot and are the same age and who always tell me when I am screwing up are totally thinking she is wrong as she always tells my kids how much she loves me and can't wait to spend the weekends with me. I respect my kids impute but I also so appreciate your advise.I am leaning towards telling her take your weekend but I don't have to be happy about it and I am thinking that she may never be taking them anyway but that she proved her point and will feel good about that... and so it goes

I think your mistake here is thinking she's "made her point" but you have "won" because you know that she knows - or whatever. You seem to see this as a psychological game.

I also note that your last girlfriend (or is it two?) had the same request - she/they needed "space." Are you possessive or controlling?

The you "help her with her finances" every now and then sentence is a red flag.

I also wouldn't be discussing my problems with my fiancé with my children.

I agree - I don't see the problem with a weekend apart. I like some down time. I suspect a lot of women do. When it's more than one person who tells you that, I'd be concerned.

She stays with you - do you ever stay with her?

And, last, you are 64. She is 44. That's a sizeable age difference. Are you on the same page concerning sleeping and waking hours, physical activity, sex - and it can be an issue when there's an age discrepancy, something else?

Thanks Judy... I was very happily married for 29 years until my wife died of cancer... I have two beautiful daughters and grandchildren we are a very close family. The best of relationships have many ups and downs as I have found out sometimes the hard way. In my efforts to help I have to seriously think about that I may be controlling. She has a two bedroom apt. and is not too comfortable with me staying over as her 21 yr old son is there,I get along great with him but that's the case.She is happy and comfortable as she says in my house.I am in great shape and have been told I look younger than my years and go to the gym 5 days a week doing an intense workout... I don't hold the fact that she is younger and not in as good shape against her... LOL... To be serious I will look inward and see if I can change certain things I do.

That would be a good idea. You sound controlling and just a bit condescending. She probably needs space, seems like you can be a bit overwhelming.

I, likewise, was widowed. Totally off topic, but I am sorry for your loss. Losing a partner is beyond explanation if you've never "been there."

I still wouldn't discuss my private life with my children, close or not close.
What you can understand and forgive they may not - and some day everyone may not agree on something and then the problem will only escalate if personal info is discussed.

Thanks Judy... good advise

No problem - as I said, I was widowed. The pain and loss somehow don't end.

Please keep posting and let "us" know how things work out.

I would - here I'm going to sound like your mother! - suggest that you not help with expenses. Make sure she loves you, not your financial help.

(I trust she does, but don't be foolish.)

Judy as you know having a spouse you love die is probably the most traumatic thing that will ever happen to you... time has helped and has taken away the pain and I am left with great memories... so we move on but sometimes when there are problems in new relationships they seem so insignificant as to what you went through witnessing the death of a beloved spouse... however I realize I can't compare and my loss is not my new relationships problem... but I will work this out... try not to control... or share my love problems with my kids... and give her the time she needs when she wants it... I hope time and good memories ease your pain...

It is better and as I stood at his grave I thought, "Nothing in my life will ever be worse than this" and went on from there.

I think you should consider that you might be selfish! She wants some time away from you to do other things. Please don't make an issue about this, or you will lose her completely. Let her decide what she wants for herself. Good luck, and have a great new year. I also am a senior, at 70 yrs old, a widower. Give others the respect they deserve, and let them be themselves. If she decides to spend all her time with you, then great. If not, let it be.

Hello everyone... In a general discussion about marriage with my girlfriend I stated if we ever did get married ( which we have no immediate plans) I would want a prenup... she did not like that and said " Don't you trust in our relationship that I love you and I don't want your money,your house etc. etc. " she became very upset... I have two children and 4 grandchildren to worry about and I also have considerably more assets than she has and although we both love each other I am in my mid sixties and she is in her mid forties and in the best of marriages things happen. I told her I loved her and that a prenup shouldn't effect our relationship as it is just a business agreement between us.I am an idiot for getting into this hypothetical discussion in the first place... but I wonder how prenup conversation should be handled...

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Prenuptial arrangements are a matter of trust and love and should be considered as such. If this lady doesn't think so, then she is not the one for you. Yes, how exactly can they handled? I don't think you handled it badly, you brought it up, she didn't like it, end of story. Which makes me think that, should something happen to you, she would be done out of something.

Does she know you have considerable assets ?

Thanks tickle.. yes she does... but she has a good job as a school teacher and a son by a previous marriage and as I stated to her it would be a protection for both of us...

You really can't win. She should understand what you want for your children. Maybe you could draw a preliminary draft and discuss it with her, and emphasize calming the waters with them.

Why was my question... Is a Prenup a bad word?. merged with a previous question

Because it was about the same relationship, although a different aspect of it, but the important reason it keeps fact together for an accurate picture a whole, for better suggestions and advice.

Relationship issues are never isolated from each other and are related to the whole relationship. What I see from your posts is that you want more time while you keep her isolated from your assets. I fail to see how that protects her, or even makes her secure enough to give you more than you get already. That's the signal you send, she isn't an equal partner for you, nor will she be in the future.

How does a prenupt protect her, after she gives you what you want?

Hi Tal... I guess you don't agree with the advise from tickle on previous page... In my way of thinking a prenup is to make sure my assets go to my kids and grandchildren if I was to die first and I was married to my girlfriend (as I said in previous merged question( hypothetical) as we have no date scheduled for marriage)... and hers would go to her son if something happened to her... She has a good job and an eventual good pension and some money of her own and as she has said neither wants or needs my money. I look at a prenup as a legal agreement, insurance that my kids will get my assets.

A will works the same way but if a prenup protects your kids then the conflict is easy to see, as it would seem that a marriage means you protect her kids as well. So making NO provision for her or her kids, during the marriage is really an insult in my view.

Indeed it may be a business decision, fair enough, but in no way is it love, or any other positive show of endearment.

In the same way, then she should also ask you to sign a prenup to protect her children.

Billy, what you are talking about are 'wills'. Pre-nups are agreements about what will happen if the marriage ends in divorce.

If you ever marry, what are your expectations for the marriage? Do you intend to keep it mine and yours or do you intend to have some blending?

Prenup is not a romantic its not a loveable subject but in my case I feel a necessary discussion with my girlfriend. A lawyer friend told me the definition of a prenup is a contract two people about to wed that spells out how assets will be distributed in the event of divorce or DEATH. If something happened to me I would want to know that my assets would be distributed as to my wishes spelled out in the prenup.As to cat1864 if we ever did marry I would intend to keep it mine and yours however if she moved into my house I would pay all the expenses and let her save all she can to help her in the future.

Prenup is not a romantic its not a loveable subject but in my case I feel a necessary discussion with my girlfriend. A lawyer friend told me the definition of a prenup is a contract two people about to wed that spells out how assets will be distributed in the event of divorce or DEATH. If something happened to me I would want to know that my assets would be distributed as to my wishes spelled out in the prenup.As to cat1864 if we ever did marry I would intend to keep it mine and yours however if she moved into my house I would pay all the expenses and let her save all she can to help her in the future.

Billy, this tells me that your question wasn't hypothetical, but was testing the waters. If you plan to ask her for a prenuptial agreement, be honest with yourself and her.

Is she okay with the thought of you taking care of her if you marry? Have you had that discussion with her?

I think you need to sit down with her and discuss what you both expect the future to be like. Do you both want to marry? Are you both holding back from making plans because you are not certain about truly committing to each other? Why are you engaged? You do not seem to be wanting it to become a marriage. Are you building a stronger relationship or trying to keep things the way they are?

I cannot help but wonder if you see her as an equal who might someday share your life, love, ups and downs or if you are looking for something else.

Hi Cat.. You raise some very good questions... The fact of the matter is we both know we can't get married any time soon probably years away if ever... reason being she lives with her 21 yr. old son and although I like the kid for various reasons I could not live with him and who knows when he will ever leave her place.Number 2 reason... she lives 1 mile from her job and thinks the 25 miles I live from her would be too much to travel in traffic on a daily basis however I think she could change her mind about that.I do not want to be with anyone else for the rest of my life but I am ambivalent about marriage... I like it the way it is now or I would live with her without being married... I got engaged because she said she wanted to be more than just a girlfriend and agreed with that... One time we discussed her living with me... she would be comfortable with me taking care of most of the expenses with her say paying the food bill every month... Thanks for your input

Hi Cat..You raise some very good questions.....The fact of the matter is we both know we can't get married any time soon probably years away if ever....reason being she lives with her 21 yr. old son and although I like the kid for various reasons I could not live with him and who knows when he will ever leave her place.Number 2 reason ...she lives 1 mile from her job and thinks the 25 miles I live from her would be too much to travel in traffic on a daily basis however I think she could change her mind about that.I do not want to be with anyone else for the rest of my life but I am ambivalent about marriage....I like it the way it is now or I would live with her without being married....I got engaged because she said she wanted to be more than just a girlfriend and agreed with that....One time we discussed her living with me...she would be comfortable with me taking care of most of the expenses with her say paying the food bill every month... Thanks for your input

I have no doubt at all you know where you at in this situation
Billy jet. I don't think you need us.

You better enjoy this friend with benefits thing while it lasts, because I doubt she would agree to your terms for long.

You ain't in it to win it.

Hey Tal... In my mind I already won it... I'm a lucky guy... I got a girl that loves me and the feelings mutual regardless of our relationship status... can you believe she thinks she's enjoying her friend with benefits with me... I am not going to discourage her in this regard.LOL... like I said I'm a lucky guy... Best regards...

tickle... I want to thank you for you advise and observations...