bluebeaches
Jan 14, 2013, 01:17 PM
I have been needing to talk to someone that can help me figure out all of the hidden issues in my life.
I am young and I feel lost. I don't know who I am anymore.. I don't know how to be "me". Normally, I am a very happy and outgoing person that can light up a room. But now I feel like I have to try extremely hard just to be happy. I know that I am very blessed. I should be more thankful and appreciative of all of the things I have and the life that I live. But I'm so unhappy. I have been working on myself, and trying to figure out how to get "me" back. I am doing okay with it. But I feel as if I have a lot of hidden issues and problems that I have pushed to the side in the "Forget-About-It" box in my head. If that makes sense.
Almost a year ago, I fell in love with my best friend. Ever since, we have been happily living together. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. He treats me like a princess and he makes me the happiest person in the world. But I go through these spells where I am extremely moody and he describes being around me like "walking on eggshells". I will be mean to him for absolutely no reason. I get extremely depressed and turn into a completely hateful, angry, and bitter person with a bad attitude. I hate it! I thought at first that I may be bipolar, so I looked into it. But what I've read has said that the symptoms are like having two sides to you(up and down or high and low). Going form one extreme to the other, but taking weeks at a time. But I only have the "down/low" side.. That comes out at the snap of a finger. This is something that I feel is uncontrollable. BUT, I have been putting a lot of effort into changing my attitude when it starts instead of letting it get worse. It has helped a lot. Although I've only been REALLY trying for a few weeks. It's hard. My boyfriend has told me that he thinks that I have hidden issues that I need to confront. I haven't really seen that until he pointed it out. But he's right.. I have been through quite a bit in my life that has probably taken a toll on me and my personality. But since it was/is my own issues, I've never seen them as being issues. I just feel like I need to talk to some sort of therapist, to make this all surreal. To help me deal with my pain that I have tried to ignore, and make sense of it.
So here are some of the things that I feel like I should share:
I grew up without a father, and an extremely strict mother. I have been told I have "daddy issues". The only things that I knew about my father were things that I asked my mother that she wanted to actually share with me.. Such as, I know his height, hair color, eye color, age, and his name. I have never seen a picture of him. My mom never talked about my father nor did she want to share things about him with me or my brother. Now that I'm older, I know that she didn't want to talk about him because most things that could have been said, would have been negative. When I was 19, she told me the truth. And only because I had asked. He was an alcoholic, a drug addict, and he was abusive to her. She said the straw that broke the camels back was when I was about 4 months old. He was drunk and he took off in HER car, with me. Although I do not recollect this, I'm sure it was horrifying for her. She left him and he was to come to my grandparents (supervised visits) every other Saturday to see us. He didn't come once. She never got a penny of child support from him because she said she would rather struggle to take care of us than to put us in danger.
When I was 8, she re-married. They fought all of the time, which took a toll on me and my grades in school. By 12, he cheated.. they divorced.
Looking back, I believe I was around 10-11 when I stopped caring.. And started getting into trouble.
Anyway.. I believe all of the things she has been through made her tougher on us. She not only had to be our mom, but also our dad. Which now that I am older, I realize how much she sacrificed to give us the world. We NEVER went without, and I do have to say that we were spoiled. But, she was EXTREMELY strict and controlling. I was only allowed to have friends that she approved of, which didn't give me much room to work with. I couldn't have any guy friends, and I was only allowed to do things maybe once a weekend, every month.. If that. I had to have A's and B's at all times.. Or I would be grounded for 5 weeks. I wasn't allowed to have a job because she wanted me to "focus on school and cheerleading". (My car, phone, other things that SHE bought, were what was taken away when I was grounded). Also, never learned about bills, or credit or and of the things you need to know to survive in the "real-world". Just a few examples of what I mean by "strict and controlling". In turn, as a young teenager, I rebelled. I started sneaking out, drinking, and lying to her about my whereabouts.. Although most of the time, I was caught and grounded. I stayed grounded in middle and high school. She paid for my first semester in college. I went absolutely wild. Freedom.. I started partying every other day and every single weekend. I started smoking marijuana. I dropped out and moved out. I started doing a few drugs at 17, and hard drugs by 18. I quit when I was 19 because I had gotten so bad and I realized that wasn't who I wanted to be.
That's when I met my soul mate. Since then, life has been better. But at 20, after only a few months of dating, I found out that I was pregnant. At first we were both scared, but quickly we realized that the baby was a blessing. We were very happy and couldn't wait to start our family! At 9 weeks, I miscarried. That was the worst experience I have ever been through. I still can't talk about it although it has been well over 6 months ago. None of my family knew. He and I have talked to each other indirectly about it, just to tell each other that if they wanted to talk, the other was there. But that we, ourselves weren't ready yet. So neither one has discussed it. I think maybe, this has taken a big toll on me recently. I also think it may be time for me to talk about it... But I don't know how.
But the reasons for everything that I've done, I don't have. I have SO much regret. I have hurt my family beyond words. And I have hurt myself. I believe that drugs have had a lot to do with my personality change.. But I lay down every night and replay all of the regrets I have. It consumes me. I try not to think about it, but I can't help it. I want to let go of the past, because it IS the past.. But I don't know how. Too many things that I have screwed up, too many mistakes that I wish I could take back.. But I can't. It is making me crazy and I believe my regrets are what's made me depressed. As for the off-the-handle mood swings.. I don't have any idea where they come from. I know I have a lot of anger inside, but from what exactly? Please help me figure out this mess, so I can move on with my life! It's greatly appreciated.
I am young and I feel lost. I don't know who I am anymore.. I don't know how to be "me". Normally, I am a very happy and outgoing person that can light up a room. But now I feel like I have to try extremely hard just to be happy. I know that I am very blessed. I should be more thankful and appreciative of all of the things I have and the life that I live. But I'm so unhappy. I have been working on myself, and trying to figure out how to get "me" back. I am doing okay with it. But I feel as if I have a lot of hidden issues and problems that I have pushed to the side in the "Forget-About-It" box in my head. If that makes sense.
Almost a year ago, I fell in love with my best friend. Ever since, we have been happily living together. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. He treats me like a princess and he makes me the happiest person in the world. But I go through these spells where I am extremely moody and he describes being around me like "walking on eggshells". I will be mean to him for absolutely no reason. I get extremely depressed and turn into a completely hateful, angry, and bitter person with a bad attitude. I hate it! I thought at first that I may be bipolar, so I looked into it. But what I've read has said that the symptoms are like having two sides to you(up and down or high and low). Going form one extreme to the other, but taking weeks at a time. But I only have the "down/low" side.. That comes out at the snap of a finger. This is something that I feel is uncontrollable. BUT, I have been putting a lot of effort into changing my attitude when it starts instead of letting it get worse. It has helped a lot. Although I've only been REALLY trying for a few weeks. It's hard. My boyfriend has told me that he thinks that I have hidden issues that I need to confront. I haven't really seen that until he pointed it out. But he's right.. I have been through quite a bit in my life that has probably taken a toll on me and my personality. But since it was/is my own issues, I've never seen them as being issues. I just feel like I need to talk to some sort of therapist, to make this all surreal. To help me deal with my pain that I have tried to ignore, and make sense of it.
So here are some of the things that I feel like I should share:
I grew up without a father, and an extremely strict mother. I have been told I have "daddy issues". The only things that I knew about my father were things that I asked my mother that she wanted to actually share with me.. Such as, I know his height, hair color, eye color, age, and his name. I have never seen a picture of him. My mom never talked about my father nor did she want to share things about him with me or my brother. Now that I'm older, I know that she didn't want to talk about him because most things that could have been said, would have been negative. When I was 19, she told me the truth. And only because I had asked. He was an alcoholic, a drug addict, and he was abusive to her. She said the straw that broke the camels back was when I was about 4 months old. He was drunk and he took off in HER car, with me. Although I do not recollect this, I'm sure it was horrifying for her. She left him and he was to come to my grandparents (supervised visits) every other Saturday to see us. He didn't come once. She never got a penny of child support from him because she said she would rather struggle to take care of us than to put us in danger.
When I was 8, she re-married. They fought all of the time, which took a toll on me and my grades in school. By 12, he cheated.. they divorced.
Looking back, I believe I was around 10-11 when I stopped caring.. And started getting into trouble.
Anyway.. I believe all of the things she has been through made her tougher on us. She not only had to be our mom, but also our dad. Which now that I am older, I realize how much she sacrificed to give us the world. We NEVER went without, and I do have to say that we were spoiled. But, she was EXTREMELY strict and controlling. I was only allowed to have friends that she approved of, which didn't give me much room to work with. I couldn't have any guy friends, and I was only allowed to do things maybe once a weekend, every month.. If that. I had to have A's and B's at all times.. Or I would be grounded for 5 weeks. I wasn't allowed to have a job because she wanted me to "focus on school and cheerleading". (My car, phone, other things that SHE bought, were what was taken away when I was grounded). Also, never learned about bills, or credit or and of the things you need to know to survive in the "real-world". Just a few examples of what I mean by "strict and controlling". In turn, as a young teenager, I rebelled. I started sneaking out, drinking, and lying to her about my whereabouts.. Although most of the time, I was caught and grounded. I stayed grounded in middle and high school. She paid for my first semester in college. I went absolutely wild. Freedom.. I started partying every other day and every single weekend. I started smoking marijuana. I dropped out and moved out. I started doing a few drugs at 17, and hard drugs by 18. I quit when I was 19 because I had gotten so bad and I realized that wasn't who I wanted to be.
That's when I met my soul mate. Since then, life has been better. But at 20, after only a few months of dating, I found out that I was pregnant. At first we were both scared, but quickly we realized that the baby was a blessing. We were very happy and couldn't wait to start our family! At 9 weeks, I miscarried. That was the worst experience I have ever been through. I still can't talk about it although it has been well over 6 months ago. None of my family knew. He and I have talked to each other indirectly about it, just to tell each other that if they wanted to talk, the other was there. But that we, ourselves weren't ready yet. So neither one has discussed it. I think maybe, this has taken a big toll on me recently. I also think it may be time for me to talk about it... But I don't know how.
But the reasons for everything that I've done, I don't have. I have SO much regret. I have hurt my family beyond words. And I have hurt myself. I believe that drugs have had a lot to do with my personality change.. But I lay down every night and replay all of the regrets I have. It consumes me. I try not to think about it, but I can't help it. I want to let go of the past, because it IS the past.. But I don't know how. Too many things that I have screwed up, too many mistakes that I wish I could take back.. But I can't. It is making me crazy and I believe my regrets are what's made me depressed. As for the off-the-handle mood swings.. I don't have any idea where they come from. I know I have a lot of anger inside, but from what exactly? Please help me figure out this mess, so I can move on with my life! It's greatly appreciated.