Here’s the situation – and please tell me the honest truth of what you think. I need advice on a very difficult subject! And sorry if this is REALLY long.

About a year ago I made friends with someone named Tommy and we became really really close. We went everywhere together and during that time he was going through a lot of drama with his girlfriend, so I was there for him. At one point he even stayed at my place for a week after his girlfriend kicked him out of the apartment. This was PURELY friendship that I did not want to develop to anything more due to his situation with his girlfriend at that time. I helped him with everything, picked him up from school and work on occasion, bought him food when he was down on bills, got him a phone under my name on my T-mobile account and paid for his share more than a couple of times, basically was there for him emotionally and financially even when I was down on money I would try my best to help him out because to me he seemed like a real cool guy. Now I met Paul (my bf) through Tommy and at one point we all kicked it together. Tommy and Paul were high school friends and have been good friends ever since. After awhile of us hanging out with each other, Tommy started to stray away when Paul and I would get closer, and eventually Paul and I started dating and we soon found Tommy patching up back with his girlfriend.

Now, a little bit of background so you can understand where I am coming from: During high school I used to be the type of person that was too kind to others to the point where I would be taken advantage of repeatedly, whether it was for rides or money for food etc, I was blinded by some fake people – well eventually I got smarter and more careful on who I choose to be friends with and I vowed never again to be so dumb as to have anyone take advantage of me once more.

Continuing with the story: I soon found out that Tommy wouldn’t return my phone calls or text’s after him and his girlfriend patched things up with each other. Aside from that, I found myself with a $200 balance on my phone bill on HIS behalf. I kept on trying to call and communicate with him for payment and his whereabouts but he was ignoring my attempts as well as Paul’s. (keep in mind that I wasn’t so much worried about the money, but if you haven’t heard from someone for that long period, you would get worried too) The result of course was our phones both being shut off due to the delinquent amount and me paying the remaining balance plus late charges, plus re-activation so I can have my phone back. It wasn’t until Paul (his so called “good friend”) expressed in a text message that it was the VERY LAST TRY of getting in touch with him that Tommy finally responded “I’m here.”

Now to me, it seems I didn’t keep my vow. The guy totally used me to find comfort financially and emotionally while being away from his girlfriend. I felt betrayed and confused, and regardless if he paid me back or not, I refused to have Tommy back in my life in any way shape or form. I don’t like people like that in my life, and I don’t need them. Now here’s the difficult part, Paul and I get in arguments all the time because of him being that Tommy and him have history. Well I forgot to mention this too but Tommy has been known to use Paul as well. Aside from countless free entrances to clubs, drinks, food, etc.. when Tommy’s car wasn’t operational, Paul (being a mechanic) bought all the parts and did all the labor to his car and not once did Tommy ever mentioned of paying him back. The bill racked up to about $500. Paul’s just too blind to see anything. He’s the type of person that wants everything to be “ok” regardless if he gets hurt or if anyone close to him gets hurt along the way. He seems so nonchalant about the whole thing and it sucks to have someone you love next to you that doesn’t back you up. When he talks to Tommy it seems like nothing happened, that Tommy didn’t take advantage of him or me, that Tommy didn’t ignore us for months, etc.

Now I know the whole ordeal of friendship vs. relationships. And I am not giving him an ultimatum to choose between him and I. I haven’t once said not to talk to Tommy, or kick it with him but what I do want is a little backing up on this situation, for him to tell Tommy NO it wasn’t okay for you to do this to someone I love but I don’t even get that. We continue to get in arguments about it because I really don’t think he cares at all about what happened and that I got hurt. I have so many mixed feelings about this situation I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how I can accept Tommy as Paul’s friend, I don’t know if Paul understands the way I feel, if he even cares or not. What I do know is I don’t want either of them to think that it was OKAY, and I don’t want their friendship to end because I know their friendship is important. I just don’t want Tommy to think he can do this to people, especially to his good friend.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Any advice would help.

Thanks.

Secret, You are just to nice and only see it after the fact. My dear you cannot save the world and to be honest just because some one needs help do you have to go beyond the call of duty to help? Taking Tommy in was a mistake in the first place, as his g/f didn't like him so didn't that give you a clue to mind your own business? Giving him a cell phone in your name, big mistake on YOUR part. Let him afford his own. Bottom line is stop volunteering to get walked on. As to your boyfriend not backing you up, what do you expect from a guy that's Tommy's friend before he met you? Sue Tommy for the cell phone bill in small claims court and get a new b/f. And take your own advice and stop being so nice and let people dig themselves out of their own problems. You are your own worst enemy and could avoid a lot of problems by minding your own business and saying NO! Don't mean to be harsh to a nice person such as yourself but you need to see the reality of your actions. Much Luck!

Consider this man a stepping stone to a better YOU.

Learn from it. Put your energies somewhere new.
(You cannot succeed at that until you cut him off... sorry)

I can tell you there is NO penalty for being NICE. So, don't look there.
But there is a penalty for being a doormat.

Doormats have self-esteem and shoe marks ("Tommy") on them. I am not sure of your age, but
There comes a time when we see that life is not a popularity contest and what makes us feel right
Inside is often the right thing.

Shame on him. Sorry, but he is NOT your friend.

If you repeat it, shame on you.

This is my old saying "Secret_J":

FIRST TIME... VICTIM. SECOND TIME... VOLUNTEER! :D

Sometimes we just have to experience the bad once for ourselves to realize when its in our face again. It's that "again time" that you SQUASH! Stand strong girl, you can still be nice to people without getting taken advantage of! :) Now you know what to look for before it starts!

I really thought I was smart enough now especially to figure out one's character. I want to make it clear though that this “being taken advantage of” hasn't happened to me since high school. It was the first time that it happened in a long time, and because Tommy was the one who got through to me, made this situation at its limits.

I know I have to let go at some point – but part of me thinks that letting go of the situation makes me look “weak.” I want Paul and I to be okay more than anything, and I understand his relationship with his friend is important as well. I understand that he sometimes feels torn about this too, but what girl doesn't want her boyfriend to back her up on things especially if its in regards of someone helping his best friend out in need?

Well, I understand your point but have you considered your b/f feelings too? I mean he's stuck in the middle of this mess and did you ask HIM his advise while you were "helping" this guy out? If he confronts Tommy... it makes you happy BUT puts a rift between he and Tommy now... Is THAT what you want?

Of course we want our loved ones to stand up for us, but sometimes we have to pick the right battles... is this really worth being the "winner"? Besides, how do you know he has NEVER said anything to him about it... maybe he did but this Tommy guy doesn't seem to be the type who would care much what anyone thinks.

Just another angle! :)