I have lived with my boyfriend for a year now and we have planned to get married next year. Everything in our relationship is perfect, exect one thing. He doesn't seem to have any enthusiasm when it comes to our sex life. He does nothing to try and satisfy me and never shows any passion. He he only seems interested in sex first thing in the morning when we don't really have time. He has been to the doctor about it and the doctor said there was nothing wrong with him and asked if he fancied me. He swears he does but no matter how hard I try to motivate him I always fail. I have tried everything. I know it isn't the most important part of a relationship, but it is coming between us. Any suggestions?

Does he understand how deeply hurt you are by this?

Yes, I think so. It has really upset me several times. Like this one time we went away to an amazing hotel for the weekend so I bought really nice underwear and some silly toys and things and he just went to sleep at 10pm. He's only 29 so its not his age.

Weird!
And how long has this been going on for?

Maybe its time you let him know again how this is making you feel.

Hun, you need to communicate to him just how bad it is hurting. I hate to say it but if your sex life is a disaster than something else in your relationship is off keleter. I was having this problem with my husband and I just didn't show interest in sex, and soon enough he attacked me. That might be what you have to do... but try talking to him first. Good luck

A couple that cannot solve its sex problems is in need of a lot of help with communication, talking and listening. If one or the other is unwilling to deal with this problem to the mutual benefit of both, then some sort of counseling is highly recommended to get to the root cause of the problem.

Well - if he's been to the doctor... then, in my book this is a deal breaker.

He is a rude, selfish lover.
If he's not willing to listen and change then move on - this is a HUGE issue!! Huge!!


There are FOUR key essentiaqls to a great relationship. You must be compatible I nall four to make them last long term...

1. Spirituality - are you both on the same vibe... same likes... beliefs in religion... nature... the world... are you both joyous.

2. Sex -are you compatible - same ideas - same needs - please each other. Enjoy the same things.

3. Finances - do you both spend the same - same savings goals - both frugle or not. Need to be on the same page.

4. Sociability - are you both coach potatoes or can't sit still. This is really important... are you both social butterflys?. do you like to go out a lot or stay home.

Bad uncompatible sex is a huge deal breaker. Huge.

This numnut doesn't understand romance, fourplay, commumications etc.

Deal breaker... why on earth put up with that?

See all those other catogories are perfect. We totally wants the same things. He admits we have a problem but he doesn't seem to want to do anything. I have asked him if there is anything I can do but he doesn't really give me real answers. He will say things like he's disracted by mess in the house or he's tired. To be honest he has always been like this. At first I just pestered him and put up with the lack of foreplay but now its really getting to me so I get annoyed then he says I'm putting too much pressure on. We talked about councilling but if he cantr talk to me about it then how is he going to talk to a stranger? Also we are really hard up for cash over the next two months because he has taken a pay drop to further his career so I'm not even sure we could afford counciling

If it has been a problem since the beginning, he might have sexual desire disorder or some other sexual dysfunction. It is a type of psychological disorder in the DSM.

No he's a selfish lover.

Me - I aim to please - pleae my lover. It's important. Fourplay is so dam important.

This guy needs to grow up.

Well, you can't very well marry someone you cannot be intimate with.

So, if he is "fine"... it's time to test how fine.

Things to consider:

1) remove all pressure. If he has performance anxiety that will kill him.

2) if it's not #1, he may be too comfortable. If so, I'd get BUSIER. (friends, outtings, weekends with and WITHOUT him) you see... he's got you. A lot of times men get "back to the cave syndrome". (see also thousands of years of evolutionary wiring)...he SLAYED you and dragged you home.
HE HAS YOU.... and his conquest instincts fade. he's got other things on his "to do" list.

3) There's someone else (I doubt this, but giving you all options)

4) do you "pleasure" yourself? Do you talk about it? What do you fantasize about?
What does HE fantasize about? Share this together and learn.

5) you may be with a low-drive guy. For you, that would be a deal killer.
For some, it wouldn't... be TRUE to yourself...

The FUTURE is where you are headed. So, get used to it.

1)I tried this and we just didn't have sex at all.
2)I tried this and he used how busy we were as an excuse
3)I honestly don't think this although before he met me he went out with the kind of girls who could be models who were stick thin and had boob jobs are were'nt that smart which is the opposite of me. I did worry this was the problem but he swears it isn't and to be honest he isn't physically what I usually go for but it doesn't bother me because I find other things about him attractive.
4)I tried this. God I sunk to new lows trying this one! I have got so frustrated I have really filty dreams so I tried telling him about them. He just responded as though I had just read him my shopping list!
5)He says it isn't that he has a low drive because I suggested that but if I was willing to have bad sex we would do it every morning, but I would get nothing from it. So he wants to do it, he just doesn't want to change.
I have tried ultimatums but at the end of the day I can't bring myself to leave for something that I would call him all the names under the sun if he left me over!

Well... you know what you are going to get if you marry him.

Sexual intimacy and compatibility is something that, in my opinion, needs to be at least a close match to begin with. It doesn't get any easier after you are married and after you have kids. You need to do the WORK and take the TIME to stay connected.

My wife and I struggle to find the time. We make some time, but it's a lot harder with kids running around. If we didn't deliberately TRY to connect intimately, it just wouldn't happen.

I know you think that its awful to leave someone because of extreme differences in sex drive... but if you stay you need to be comfortable knowing what you are getting into. It isn't fair to him to marry him and then use this as a source of tension. You know it from go. He isn't giving and you aren't getting.

So... are you comfortable being married to a "roommate" instead of a lover? That's your call.

Id think twice. No matter how good he is, if your sexual needs are even close to being met you are going to spend years and years repressing and resenting and questioning yourself. You don't need to both have exactly the same desires and drives, but you need to remotely be on the same planet.

Also we are really hard up for cash over the next two months because he has taken a pay drop to further his career so I'm not even sure we could afford counciling
If he is distracted worrying about his career, is there something you could do to relieve that pressure?

Money is one of the biggest causes for divorce as financial stability take a lot of attention and is so frustrating.
For example, Finances are tight and you need an outfit for church, CONFLICT
His job slows down and you have a doctor visit, CONFLICT
The bills are due and the car breaks down, CONFLICT
Another way of looking at conflict is STRESS.

That's why communication is so important as conflict and the stress that follows can actually make a man impotent. So if he is a sexually low man to start... uh oh!! More stress. Don't know if it's the problem but a good place to look for answers as providing for a family is stressful. Do you have kids ? Are you planning any?

If you are truly unhappy, take some time off.

Don't make it dramatic. And don't make it about sex.

Just say that you feel you all are at a critical juncture and a little time off might be good for you all to evaluate the relationship. I'm almost 100% sure you will see his cards finally:

1) he will fight for you right away
2) he will fight for you after a month or two
3) he will not fight (and then you don't want his soft noodle D then anyway :-)

Tough love is sometimes the best love! I think it will energize U because it gives you a CHOICE.

Depression comes from a lack of power and a feeling of futility. You are NOT married, so enjoy!

Relationships are a compromise - not a sacrifice.

The socialability part is also communicating. Communication involves listening and picking up ques. He doesn't sound like he listens.

One never really figures out how important sex is until its not happening. Frankly, I would be concerned about any aspect of a relationship going as neglected as this one is. A partner's unhappiness or dissatisfation should be something of a concern to the other, whether it be about finances, sex or what's for dinner. Some people rig it so that if they know you won't walk about it, then its deemed as just not that important. But we think that makes for a lot of trauma just to get some ordinary stuff straightened out. How does he justify leaving you so unsatisfied -- if you don't mind explaining?

Get a stripper pole put in the bedroom and dance for him... If this does nothing... then its time to go! :D j/j

Yes, I think so. It has really upset me several times. Like this one time we went away to an amazing hotel for the weekend so I bought really nice underwear and some silly toys and things and he just went to sleep at 10pm. He's only 29 so its not his age.

Could he be gay? I mean seriously, that post just shocks the hell out of me!! :eek:

Newsflash: I don't this guy's going to be turnin' into a pornstar anytime soon.
But it would be good to know where you stand.

I forgot to add, and maybe its been addressed above but I know Diabetes can play a huge roll in sexual dysfunctions... not being able to get and maintain an erection and so on. Has he been checked for this?

I forgot to add, and maybe its been addressed above but I know Diabetes can play a huge roll in sexual dysfunctions....not being able to get and maintain an erection and so on. Has he been checked for this??

DIABETES? Man, that came out of left field.

Did I miss some medical news from "E-Rose"

Maybe he has lupus... or lime's disease.

Anyway, something is up. :D

Seriously... Diabetes can have this affect on middle aged men. When there blood sugar is high and out of whack.. . just basic health in general. I could find some link to it but I'm to lazy to "google" it, so do some research if you disbelieve! :)

Anyway... no, NOTHING is up... and That's the problem. ;)

kaitou that is what I was thinking. Maybe something happened in a past relationship that gave him a sort of sour taste about sex. If someone is pressured into doing something sexually that they don't want to or have a really bad sexual experience it can be emotionally devastating and effect their sex life for the rest of their life!

Yes indeed, I know diabetes can cause sexual problems... so, can high blood pressure and a variety of other things...

But it seems like Mr. English Rose has other problems - like indifference. My guess is ER would know about diabetes... but hey, maybe they REALLY don't communicate :-)

I have even offered to get a pole!! Believe me, there isn't a trick in the book I didn't try. I would obviously like to believe he isn't gay, but I've even asked that. I don't think there is something medically wrong with him and I'm pretty sure he isn't mentally scared. We talk openly about everything else.
We don't have kids yet. He really wants them and for the last few months we have been trying but since things have gone down hill over the last two weeks we haven't had sex at all. There is a chance I'm actually pregnant now which would really throw a spanner into the works, but its unlikely( I have a post on pregnancy and motherhood). If nothing gets sorted I definitely won't keep trying.
Money isn't so tight that we are in conflict about it. We are both still working full time in decent jobs so we will never starve or anything!

Perhaps he needs to see another kind of doctor ; not the physician kind but the PhD kind who makes a living in psychotherapy. Consider it.

I have tried ultimatums but at the end of the day I can't bring myself to leave for something that I would call him all the names under the sun if he left me over!

This last statement of yours makes me think that maybe you need to go back and re-evaluate exactly what's really important to you. You seem really unhappy with things the way they are but then you essentially say that it's not worth leaving over. This is a mixed message ; if it's not worth leaving over, then why are you so unhappy? Is there something else that's really bothering you besides the sex? Many people would obviously claim that your boyfriend has underlying issues that have nothing to do with sex. After reading this statement of yours I wonder if maybe you do as well?

A pole?!

OK, this just got funny. I like you!
(you are perhaps working way too hard on this - and that may be an issue. This is a lopsided affair. Which is not a turn-on either.)

If you are not pregnant... visualize a break and see if a good thing:

A break will reveal what he's capable of... what you both are capable of...

Don't put all your eggs in one basket if those eggs can't get properly cooked.

Just curious, Your trying to get pregnant and so far nothing,
But he doesn't satisfy you? I do remember asking about any stress in his life, but trying to make a baby isn't stress? Shows what I know. It also shows it takes a few pages to get the important facts.

Indeed.

I don't really understand what your getting at, do you mean that trying for a baby is stressful and could be the cause? We haven't been trying in the sense that we are pushing ourselves. My doctor took me off the pill so he could run some tests without the hormones interfering. He said my chances of concieving may not be great so we decided to carry on as normal but without the pill to see if things could happen naturally. It hasn't caused any stress between us because deep down we were never expecting it to work, only now I'm craving flap jacks like you wouldn't believe!

Trying to get pregnant and pondering a dead love life...

The first one sure as heck ain't going to solve the second...

Careful.

I'm in the same type of situation Rose. However, it is my fiancé whom has the sexual appitie. I seem to have lost a lot of it. I still love my fiancé, so in your case don't go to the extreem in thinking he doesn't love you or w/e. I know how he feels and I, so I can relate to you. I think in my situation its because I'm just not into the whole sexual thing, never have been. That may play a part or maybe he is stressed from life situations. Just talk to him is what you should do. Sometime's my fiancé tries to talk to me, but if he bugs me to have sex I get very anoyed, so make sure not to become a ''pest'' in his eyes. Good luck and I posted a question similar to this, feel free to check it out. Have a great day :-)

Many men enjoy sex in the morning more at night. I would say bring it up again to see how much it is hurting you. And then maybe back off sex for awhile and not give in for sex and tease him a little so the foreplay can occur more regularly.

Without the communication you will never figure this out and despite you thinking everything is perfect except sex, I would have to disagree as one of you is holding back with the communication process and this relationship will never grow as long as it is neglected.

Actually we have taken some time out to talk about things and for the first time he is starting to talk to me. He says he feels to pressured and because I get so upset about it, it got worse the next time around but that when I backed off it was even worse because it built up and up over the time. I will see how it goes. Thanks everyone