In a nutshell, my husband was ripped off bigtime by a business partner in whom he had placed great trust. The former partner skipped town once his misdeeds were discovered, and by all indications isn't even in the country. My husband has been left holding an incredibly large bag, which includes the collapse of the business he worked so hard to create as well as dealing with fallout from clients whose money disappeared overnight, and has little hope of recovering any funds from the scumbag who put him in this predicament. This whole situation has left him incredibly depressed and cynical. His boyish charm and lighthearted nature has been replaced by an insecure and angry old man (I swear since this happened a few months ago he's lost about 20 pounds he didn't need to lose and looks as if he has aged 10 years).

So what, specifically, is a wife supposed to do and say to help her husband through this dark time? "Let me know if you need anything" and phrases along those lines seem more appropriate coming from friends and acquaintances than one's spouse. I offer him massages, cook his favorite meals, try and get him out for walks to relax, and he turns all of these down. He refuses to see a therapist because he does not want to spend the money (he says "I've hemorrhaged enough as it is cleaning up this mess; if it isn't essential I don't want it"). I'm stumped. I am being positive and strong for the both of us--- I try to ignore his cynical remarks and point out all that we DO still have (like our good health and how if this was going to happen anyway, I'm glad it happened while we are both still young and can recover from it). However, it doesn't seem to be enough to improve his mood or relieve his stress in the least. I would appreciate any suggestions you all may have. Thank you!

You certainly know him better than we do as strangers - what triggers a response, which response it triggers. If this is straining your marriage I would go for counselling alone if I had to. Ideally he would go, too.

I found that my late husband, when there were problems, just needed someone to talk to - he didn't need pampering or sympathy, he needed me to listen.

Have criminal chargeds been filed? Sometimes doing something makes a situation easier to handle.

Do your problems with ADHD and your lack of emotion (if this is the same person) influence how you are handling this? Are you having problems relating to him and is he having problems relating to you?

Hi and thanks for answering. Yes, it is the same person. I have been in counseling since my previous posts and it helped quite a bit with respect to my issues with ADHD and relationships with others (I even managed to meet and marry the wonderful man in my life now!). I have not tried just listening--- I feel like I should be going above and beyond what a friend would do, but I'm not quite sure what it entails here. He does talk about how he is feeling, and I always try to make him see the bright side of things. Maybe I should just shut up and let him vent instead, even if it's a stream of bitterness. On the other hand, I don't want to condone dwelling on the past and obsessive Monday morning quarterbacking. I feel like the more he dwells on the things he has done wrong, the more insecure he will become and he will lose whatever confidence he has left to get him through this.

Loved your post - the "maybe I should just shut up ..." part made me smile.

Good that all has worked out for you - "we" never get follow up, so I'm glad for the update.

I think sometimes being cheerful and uplifting is not the way to go. Listening helps. When my husband died I heard enough, "Count your blessings" and "Cheer up" to last a lifetime.

Just being there, listening, loving him will make a difference.

Have you considered legal action against the partner?

Just being there, listening, loving him will make a difference.

I couldn't agree more. Let him work through this in his own way.

Do you work and help in the business

For those who were asking: Civil action right now isn't in the cards---- after everything, we don't have the time or money, to be honest. On the criminal side--- no one can find the guy (we have strong suspicious he is outside of the US due to his strong family ties in Europe) and white collar crimes don't seem to be top priority for our local/state prosecutors. So, he and I are left trying to pick up the pieces (which is harder than I thought it would be since his ex-partner engaged in so much cloak and dagger activity that the "pieces" seem to be coming out haphazardly, making an orderly clean up nearly impossible). The professionals we have consulted have pointed out that the business is a limited liability company, and my husband was operating in good faith, so technically he could just walk away and let the chips fall where they may (any suits against us would probably be fruitless), but we both feel it is unconscionable to do this to the company's clients. So he is in the midst of liquidating the company's remaining assets to make those affected as whole as possible.