Over the past couple of years my middle child has disowned us after a minor argument my wife had with his wife. We no longer see our granddaughter and will never see the new baby that they are going to have. He wrote to us telling us all the things he thought we had ever done wrong in his childhood and how we had taught him how NOT to be a parent. This is despite the fact that we put him through college and university and helped him and his wife set up their first home and gave them a large amount of cash for their honeymoon.

In 2006 my wife was hospitalized and spent 3 months in ITU in a coma and was given only a five percent chance of survival. It seems now that she is the one they seem to despise the most. She has been left with severe epilepsy and type 1 diabetes and some memory problems due to oxygen starvation while she was ill. She also suffered a nervous breakdown two years ago when all this started but all this is dismissed and she has been told she can’t keep hiding behind her illness.

Now our daughter (our youngest) has started to act the same way. She has two children we adore that we haven't seen for two months (we have never looked after them on our own as we have been told by her partner that we aren't to be trusted since my wife’s breakdown in fact my wife was even forbidden to take our grandson into the sweetshop while his parents were outside!) My daughter’s partner now says that until my wife builds a relationship with our daughter, whatever that means, we aren't allowed to see our grandchildren.

Our oldest child is absolutely fantastic and loves his mum and I and would do anything for us. He has even commented that his brother must have had a different family to him as he can only remember good times. Maybe we did spoil them a little. We tried to give them everything we could while they were growing up and possibly this has backfired on us. I am angry at our son and daughter but I am more hurt to see my wife of thirty years going through absolute hell and spending most of her time in tears. She has faced rejection all her life, her father left when she was eight and then had an abusive stepfather finally being thrown out of the family home when she was fifteen.

I just don’t know how to help her she has been through so much.

First I'd like to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. My heart goes out to you.

Now let's look at the situation, what you've posted, the facts. After we dissect the facts (as you see them), read on, because the facts don't always support what's really going on.

You have 3 children. Two of those children don't want anything to do with you and your wife. The last child doesn't understand why his siblings are this way. It's fair to say that 2/3 of your kids, don't want a relationship with you or your wife. Based on that, I'd say that it's time to figure out if you and the wife are part of the problem.

You do post that you put the kids through college, helped them, and that things didn't start to go downhill (if I'm reading correctly) until your wife became ill, or shortly before.

It's very very hard to give advice for this sort of thing based on one post. We're getting a very small part of the story, all based on your perception, the way you see it. There are always two sides, in this case more, to every story. In order to help you, we'd also need to know how the 2 children that won't have a relationship with you feel, and why.

In this case I would highly recommend family counseling with all of the kids. Get to the bottom of it. I don't think you'll get advice on the internet that will solve this for you, because there's just too much involved, too many people involved, with only your side of the story to go by.

Professional counseling is your best bet in my opinion.

I can only wish you and your family the best of luck.

First, I’m also sorry you are in this situation.

A few things stand out for me when I read your post. An argument between your son’s wife and your wife which causes your son and his wife to disown both of you (and I’m not sure what “disown” means. Legally? Emotionally?) is either not a “minor” argument or was just the last in a string of disagreements. I hope you aren’t equating being financially generous (college, university, down payment on house, cash for their honeymoon, spoiling them, trying to give them everything) with good parenting.

I have difficulty believing that good family ties, good family relationships involving more than one child happen suddenly when there were no problems in the past. Are you saying that her coma left her Diabetic?

Without knowing the specifics of your wife’s hospitalization, breakdown and memory problems it’s impossible to know whether your children are overreacting or have reason to be concerned about what she says and/or does in the presence of their children, your grandchildren. You refer to her having a nervous breakdown when “all this” started, but your children refer to “keep[ing] hiding behind this illness.” That seems to indicate long-standing problems.

I believe your daughter’s partner’s statement that the two of you aren’t allowed to see their children until your wife builds a relationship with her daughter is pretty self explanatory. Has your wife made unkind, untrue or unnecessary comments to their children about either your daughter or her partner? I’m an investigator, I occasionally work on similar matters (trying to establish whether the refusal to allow contact is or is not justified, usually involving grandparents who dislike their child’s partner/spouse) , and I have found that the disagreement (and refusal to allow contact) has always been simmering in the background.

If the question is how to help your wife I would suggest she see either the therapist who treated her nervous breakdown or a new therapist - with or without you - in order to sort out the various pieces of this “puzzle.”

I agree that your post makes your children sound, at best, insensitive and, at worst, cruel - but without more information and hearing the “other side,” it is impossible to know.

Your situation sounds painful and heart breaking - but I have to wonder why more than one child is involved in the dispute.

I truly hope it works out, and I think a professional counselor is the only person to help you.

I think as children grow and get independent conflict like this can be best resolved by leaving them alone to grow up and get over themselves. As a grandparent myself that's the hardest thing to do is back off a while, and hope they come back to you and help your wife through this rather than push them further away.

I know that helpless feeling quite well and was fortunate and grateful that time did heal old wounds and resentments and got us back as a family again. Unfortunately its not just once this has happened so I have no illusions something similar will happen again so maybe counseling for you and your wife, and a lot of extra attention to her from you and your son.

No quick fixes or profound solutions just keep hope and pray for them. You will have my prayers also that you get through this.

Good Luck.

PS/ Maybe after spending so much time on your kids lives its time to focus on your own lives for a bit.