Hi everyone,
I am in a really weird situation recently... my relationship alone with this person needs a backstory, because it's so strange.
Sorry that this description will be so long...

We have been in a band together for almost a year (garage band type thing) and for the first seven months that we knew each other we were just really really good friends, best friends. However, there was always a sort of sexual tension/ romantic attraction between us, so about two months ago (after 6-7 months of being best friends) we started a romantic relationship of sorts. We didn't really make it known that we were "boyfriend and girlfriend" because we didn't want to limit or label our crazy relationship, and didn't want other people to be an outside influence telling us what to do.
However, we were exclusively together, and we were very close spiritually/ emotionally/physically/intellectually. I have never had this kind of a relationship with anyone before, and neither had he. We both know each other better than anyone else knows us. He has told me things he hasn't told anyone else, and vice-versa. I love him, and he loves me too.
We're still in a band together, however, over the last month or so our relationship has been steadily declining because we're both so busy with school and work and other things that it's super hard for us to see each other like we did over the summer.
I know that our relationship is one of the only long-term close relationships he's ever been in before, because his family moved around so much when he was younger. He has told me many times that our relationship is not only the best romantic relationship he's ever been in before, but also the best friendship he's ever had.
I was convinced we were just going through a rough patch over the last month, because whenever we saw each other in person he acted like everything was okay and we connected really well then (just not in-between seeing each other). I was prepared to stick it out with him because I really do love him...
Until he kissed another girl on New Years at a party I wasn't at.

As far as he's told me, he says it was the worst mistake he has ever made, and that he regrets it more than anything else he's ever done wrong. He doesn't even like the girl, and apparently it was her initiation (although he takes full responsibility for his part in the situation and he told me about it the next night in person). He says that he never wants to see her again and doesn't want to explain to her that he doesn't like her, because she is now a "symbol of his self-hatred and disappointment". He knows he let me and himself down.
The same night that he told me that he also said he wanted to go back to being "just friends" because keeping both parts of the relationship alive has been so stressful and time consuming for both of us over the last month. And because we're not able to pay as much attention to it as we wish we could, it has been mostly unhappy and disappointing. He told me that he wants to put the romantic/ physical aspect of our relationship on hold until we rekindle our friendship, so that we can connect the same way again. However, he has made it very clear to me that he is not un-attracted to me or uninterested in pursuing a romantic relationship with me again. Even though he told me this the same night he told me about the other girl, he claims they are not related except that he did something weak and stupid because he wasn't happy in the relationship and I wasn't either.
A few days ago, he told me that we were willing to put in the extra time and effort to make our relationship work again, but then when we had another conversation about it yesterday, he told me that he doesn't think he has enough time to make it work out like he had hoped.
I'm confused, because I have just as busy as a schedule as he does, but I am willing to make the time where he isn't. It seems simple, no time= no care for me or our relationship, even as friends, but I know from him and our close mutual friends how much I mean to him.
I am THE most important person in his life right now, second only to his mother.
Hearing him tell me that he cheated on me, and can't make time for me feels like someone is ripping some part of me out of my body. I care about him, sometimes, more than I care about myself.
And I'm torn, because I know that I have to respect myself, and becoming close friends (which would inevitably lead to another romantic involvement with him), and being there for him even after he has hurt me this much means that I'm allowing him to walk all over me and potentially cheat on me again. He told me that if he were me he wouldn't give himself a second chance.
He has lost all of my trust for him, and I don't know what to do because I desperately want to be close to him again, but he has disregarded and betrayed me for so long that I am starting to doubt him when he tells me how much he cares for me.
In addition, us being in a band together means I have to see him at least weekly for band practice.
I don't want to quit the band, and I don't think he does either, but it's going to be painful to see him for a while while we figure out everything.
He says he'll give me time to figure out anything, and that he'll wait for me, but I don't know if I should give him a second chance and start over.
I am in independent, strong person and there are very few people I would put up with stuff like this for. However, he's one of them. I just wonder if this time, he's gone too far.

Thanks for reading everything, it means a lot to get outside perspectives on this type of thing. We are both 17, he's almost 18.

Also, on another note, his birthday is next week.
I don't know what to do!
Prior to this painful chain of events, I was going to paint a big picture for his room because he's always wanted me to do that for him, but now I don't think he deserves something like that from me. I don't know if I should show up to the small get-together his closest friends are having for his party. I know it would hurt him if I wasn't there.
It is in the opinion of my other close friends that I should ignore him for a while so that he can see what it's like to not have me in his life.
Opinions? Questions?
Hopefully I explained everything, but I know that this is all very complicated and confusing.

I think these situations normally arise because people have sex when they are just dating. I don't say this to sound moralizing or prudish - it's just a matter, to me, of how human emotions work and the fact that sex complicates things, a lot.

If you were just dating, you could continue to "just date" and not have to make a big fuss over what it means. This worked pretty well for my parent's generation in the 50s. People had dates on Saturday nights and were free to date whomever they wanted without worrying that they dated Dave this weekend and Mike last weekend, unless they were officially going "steady".

I'd recommend you go back to this type of old-school relationship - I think it would work for both of you. If you enjoy each other's company, you go on dates. The secret relationship thing comes to an end - it's silly. If it comes up in conversation as to what you did Saturday, you say, "I had a date with Dave". If someone asks if you're together, you answer, "we go on dates sometimes but we're not exclusive". No big deal. When you're not exclusive, no sex. Figure out where the boundary is drawn for you personally - for me, nothing would go beyond kissing and hugging if I was dating but not exclusive with someone. Keeping it simple and safe.

If you want to go on a date with someone else, you do. You don't flaunt it in front of him, but it's not a secret either. He might do the same.

Down the line you might decide you don't like him, or don't like the type of relationship you have with him... either way, you move on for the kind of relationship you want with someone else and you stop accepting dates with him.

I'm distressed by how casual sex has changed dating because people today rush into such a great level of intimacy because that's the norm, before they are even sure their life can sustain a steady girl or boyfriend. It's really emotionally confusing. We could learn something from our grandparents in this regard!

I think these situations normally arise because people have sex when they are just dating. I don't say this to sound moralizing or prudish - it's just a matter, to me, of how human emotions work and the fact that sex complicates things, a lot.

If you were just dating, you could continue to "just date" and not have to make a big fuss over what it means. This worked pretty well for my parent's generation in the 50s. People had dates on Saturday nights and were free to date whomever they wanted without worrying that they dated Dave this weekend and Mike last weekend, unless they were officially going "steady".

I'd recommend you go back to this type of old-school relationship - I think it would work for both of you. If you enjoy each other's company, you go on dates. The secret relationship thing comes to an end - it's silly. If it comes up in conversation as to what you did Saturday, you say, "I had a date with Dave". If someone asks if you're together, you answer, "we go on dates sometimes but we're not exclusive". No big deal. When you're not exclusive, no sex. Figure out where the boundary is drawn for you personally - for me, nothing would go beyond kissing and hugging if I was dating but not exclusive with someone. Keeping it simple and safe.

If you want to go on a date with someone else, you do. You don't flaunt it in front of him, but it's not a secret either. He might do the same.

Down the line you might decide you don't like him, or don't like the type of relationship you have with him...either way, you move on for the kind of relationship you want with someone else and you stop accepting dates with him.

I'm distressed by how casual sex has changed dating because people today rush into such a great level of intimacy because that's the norm, before they are even sure their life can sustain a steady girl or boyfriend. It's really emotionally confusing. We could learn something from our grandparents in this regard!

Hi! Thanks for commenting.
When I was talking to my friend the other day, we discussed the future of our relationship, and we both definitely agree that if we were to get back together, that we would tell everyone and be officially "dating", because we basically ran into this same conclusion.
However, another reason that we decided to start the relationship so casually at first was because we both have such busy schedules that neither of us really have the time to see another person all the time, and keep up with a steady relationship. Although at the height of our relationship we had a very good connection and friendship, we really only saw each other once to three times a week, one of those times being band practice.
We're both trying to prepare for college in a couple years and life is hectic between that, and other extracurriculars (I go to a fencing studio twice a week, have an internship, take music lessons for two instruments, have 5-7 hours of homework a night because I go to an art school, have band practice, etc.--he is just as busy).
Additionally, we have not had sex, gotten close, yes. But I personally, would also prefer to be in a completely committed relationship without going that far with anyone again.
I believe that our friendship is also something that may have made things really messy, because we tell each other everything, and we have had such a long history together.
He told me over the summer how he felt about me, but I was coming out of a long term relationship with my ex (whom I had steadily dated for a year), and I wasn't sure whether my feelings were for him, or still for my ex. He told me he would wait for me to figure out how I felt, even if it took months, and he stuck to this promise, and we continued being best friends until I figured out how I felt about him three months later.
After our long and turbulent relationship over the summer, that is when we began our new relationship, but because we started to lose touch of our best friends relationship, that is when things got messy because we no longer really had a base for the romantic relationship.

What I'm confused about is what our relationship is now, and how I should treat him after he cheated on me, because he not only lost my trust in our romantic relationship together, but he violated our friendship too.
I plan to give myself time to step away from the situation and give it a rest so that I can evaluate what to do, but as a friend, it's hard because I usually do talk to him so often and help him in many aspects of his life.

I'm also confused as to why he started pulling away from me about a month after we became "more then friends" and why, if I'm so important to him, he refuses to put more effort into the relationship.

I can't believe you made one TRADITIONAL NYE kiss such a big deal and guilt trip. And he told you it happened?

I would back up abit and let you get over yourself too. Please don't take offense but you well written talented creative types are often overly emotional. To me this was only as big a thing as you have made it. You made it HUGE!!

You don't do things half way, I give you that. Apologize and reconnect, he apologized now its your turn. Enjoy young love and friendship until the next reality hits you. Life is to short, even when you are young.

I can't believe you made one TRADITIONAL NYE kiss such a big deal and guilt trip. And he told you it happened?

I would back up abit and let you get over yourself too. Please don't take offense but you well written talented creative types are often overly emotional. To me this was only as big a thing as you have made it. You made it HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You don't do things half way, I give you that. Apologize and reconnect, he apologized now its your turn. Enjoy young love and friendship until the next reality hits you. Life is to short, even when you are young.

Thanks for the response,
It certainly is another view of the situation that I couldn't have thought of myself!
However, the kiss was such a big deal not only because I am so emotional about things (true!) but also because the same night he told me about it, he also broke up with me as a romantic partner...
He says he's hurt because after he broke up with me as a girlfriend--if you will--I broke up with him as a friend.
He says he wants to stop the physical/ romantic part of our relationship to rekindle our friendship. Do you think this is an utter lie, as it is coming from a teenage boy?
He says his feelings about me as a friend/girlfriend change every day, and we're taking some time apart for him to figure out how he feels about me, too. I told him that we should do that, because I'm sick of him changing the way he treats me every day!
He says he's still physically attracted to me, and that his ideal relationship with me would be one that was a great friendship as well as a romantic relationship.
I'm pretty certain that if we became friends again that it would turn into more again.

I doubt friendship on that level returns after such a hot and heavy summer fling that's undoubtably changed you both. It usually takes a lot of time and living for that to happen because the history is just too fresh to ignore.

Old feelings will just be stirred over and over right now and it's a pretense friendship. You are hardly the first summer couple that's separated in the fall and cannot adjust to those changes, and just don't make it as a couple. Don't make it worse by trying to be just friends so soon.

Or have high hopes on a young guy who may be as confused as you. I mean all that moving around may make him afraid of being to close so he is protecting himself. Who knows what's really on the mind and heart of young people these days?

LOL, I had my own issue at 17.

My ex and I technically ended our relationship on January 2nd,
Things had been going downhill for a while, and then he cheated on me and said he didn't want to be "more than friends" right now. We have a super long friendship behind us and I know him more than anyone else does, and I was closer to him than anyone else through the many stages of our relationship.
The relationship wasn't working out even before he cheated on me (kissed another girl on New Years at a party I wasn't invited to, because I was at my grandfather's funeral).
It's ripping me apart to not talk to him or see him or have any contact with him, even though its only been a week and a half since our last conversation (regrettably over text, things escalated into a huge argument over nothing, really.)
Since we are so close, I'm losing a best friend as well as my boyfriend, with whom my feelings are MUCH much stronger to than anyone I've ever dated before.
I'm not too upset that the relationship is over, mainly because it was unhealthy for both of us and we make much better friends than romantic partners, even with all of the sexual tension/ passion there was/is.
I guess we both didn't really want to be in a committed relationship.
What's ripping me apart now is the loss of friendship, I want to be friends again, and I want to talk to him.
We both think that maybe in the future a romantic relationship is possible, but the timing just wasn't right this time.
My question is: How long should I wait before talking to him? He probably won't contact me before I contact him because that's how he is, and he'll assume I don't want to talk to him and think that he's hurting me by trying to get in touch with me.
Should I wait a month? That's kind of what I was thinking, although I really want to talk to him sooner than that.

Thank you so much for reading my question and answering, I really appreciate it!

We're both 17.

Forever, that is the point of no contact, you don't ever really contact them.

You can not get over him if you contact. So maybe in 6 months maybe in a year, after you are in another relationship, over him completely,

Then you won't want to contact him, so then you could, you won't, but you could.

If you contact him him, it will just confuse him and you, You can not be friends with him,

forever, that is the point of no contact, you don't ever really contact them.

You can not get over him if you contact. So maybe in 6 months maybe in a year, after you are in another relationship, over him completely,

Then you won't want to contact him, so then you could, you won't, but you could.

If you contact him him, it will just confuse him and you, You can not be friends with him,

We have a lot of mutual friends and we're in a band together (that's currently taking a break). I will have to talk to him eventually. The last conversation I had with him almost two weeks ago over text was a huge argument and it was a terrible, sour note to leave on. I just want to be on good terms again and eventually work towards the friendship we had before the relationship.
I think that's possible, if not instantaneous.

You will have a lot of trouble getting over and past this, and to be honest I doubt if both of you iwill stay in the band for much longer. Things like this have been the end of many a band or music group.

I doubt it is possible, too many issues will come up, it will drag both of you out months or longer in getting over this

Events have changed the relationship, and the friendship. Everything with him is different now, and you cannot go back to what was, you must accept that and give yourself time to heal so you can accept it. Then, and only then can you move forward.

So don't force a friendship on him, because neither of you is ready for that. Build new friends, and be with family and do things without him, and see what happens later. MUCH MUCH later. The hurt will pass faster and better if you leave him alone for now, and focus on your healing so you can get beyond this painful experience.

You will have a lot of trouble getting over and past this, and to be honest I doubt if both of you iwill stay in the band for much longer. Things like this have been the end of many a band or music group.

I doubt it is possible, too many issues will come up, it will drag both of you out months or longer in getting over this

Yes, everyone else in the band is kind of irritated with him right now too, because he's been acting oddly after our breakup and distancing himself from our general friend group (and trying to get in with another one).
Our band has survived through many breakups between members though, oddly enough.
We're trying out some new people this weekend for the band and continuing without him for a while.

I haven't contacted him in exactly two weeks from today, and I'm pretty proud of myself.
I regret ending in such an awful place though, and that's what's making me want to reach out to him now.
Apparently he's going after some other chick, but she doesn't like him and is kind of disturbed by the whole thing because she was with him and a bunch of other people the day after our breakup and heard about the whole situation between him and I.
I have seen him do this once before during a time he was trying to get over me with another girl, and I know it's bull***t, but it still hurts.
I'm trying to keep distracted and have taken up a couple old activities again to pass the time, as well as keeping busy with school and work and sports and internships and music.

I know this goes against the advice given, but I'm thinking I might contact him in a week or so just to see how he's doing. I am the only person he's ever let into his mind and I'm worried about him. The least I can do is end on a better note, right?
It will have been a month.
People who have known me for years tell me that they haven't seen me this myself since last summer.
I think in a week or two I'll be protected enough to enter his space again. This is the longest we've ever gone without contacting each other since we met!
I know I'm strong enough to come out of the situation okay.
Thoughts?
There's no way I can go months without talking to him, and I think I'm over the period that I would contact him only to hurt myself.