I have a 40 plus daughter who has had life easy and her husband has provided her with lots of extra over the years. Now he is retired Military officer with a pension of around 3,000 a month and she is working as a school teacher about 44 grand a year. He had been making 130 grand a year and contract was canceled. They had run up bills for appliances and two new cars. My daughter has always had horses and had managed to get to nationals in the show ring. Her horse hobby is not cheep, she has a trainer around $700 a month. Then there are the shows including entry fees, special clothing, equipment, transport of horse etc.

Now he is unemployed so to help with the kids I spent almost a grand during 2 months and when the whining for money did not stop and then included the trip to Nationals I hit the roof and told her I did not pay to help cloth the kids to help her keep the horse at a trainers and go to nationals. I was not nice when I sent the email. Now her husband after sending several nasty emails and stating that I thought more of the kids than my daughter has decided that he is going to even listen in to my talking to the kids. In fact they are not allowed to call me, they are 12 and 13 and still have to ask to call, I figured this because the kids have never called to just talk to grandma like other grand kids. I guess they thought because the kids are adopted I would not feel like a grand parent. I have never missed sending gifts for birthdays and Christmas. My daughter would call maybe once every 2 or 3 months.

I am tired of this mess and would like to be able to have a family relationship without being the pocket book for my grown daughter and her self entitled husband. How can I get it through to them without paying for there hobbies? My income is in the mid thirties.

Your mistake was helping them in the first place, they make more than most people do with their current money. They have to learn to budget and learn that they can not do everything till he gets back to another job.
Perhaps the trainer has to go, perhaps they have to stop doing nationals for a while.

Sorry, but you need to sit down and talk to daughter and ask her if she wants help doing a budget

They are using the kids as pawns, very common. Put your foot down. No money AT ALL and tell them exactly why. Tell the kids when you get a chance that you had to cut off funds and are being punished. They are old enough to understand.

They are grown adults and should be supporting themselves completely. If this means giving up the horses/horseback competitions temporarily, so be it.

You are most likely in your golden years and should be enjoying your life without having to continue to pay for their existence. It's time to put your foot down and tell them that the bank is closed.

They will have to find a way to give up what is frivolous and take care of necessities without help from the people who are done raising them.

Your financial obligation to them stopped the day they said their "I Do's."

Is this the same daughter? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parenting/daughter-just-told-me-foff-686484.html

I would financially cut them off. I had two horses I loved dearly had to give them away over 200$. If I was in their position there would be no nationals no trainer no shows. Just lots of joy riding..