I'm hoping you might provide some more perspective going a little deeper on an issue I'm struggling with personally.

A month ago I read our cell phone bill and noticed my wife of 20 years is texting 3 different men at least 100 times per month each or more, plus very long phone calls, even immediately upon dropping me off at the airport or supposedly going to bed for the night while I stay up and finish work. They start at 6:45 am and go to10 pm or even till 1 am.

Throughout our marriage I've been known as very free about her having men friends and the un-jealous type. And she has always been very honest and I always trusting. But when I asked her about this she became very defensive, evasive and started to blame me with very strong words for being a snoop, untrusting, etc. This kind of thing used to be open with us, thus my free trust and confidence, but now her behavior is shifting which is the very thing that contributes to my uneasiness. I felt my approach was more curiosity about who these men were vs accusing her and after all it was just the public phone bill I "snooped" in. I've really, really tried to let this go, but for some reason THIS time in 20 years I can't shake it. Mostly because she has never shown such an extreme interest in other men and in such an unusual way in a marriage. She eventually told me she has "feelings" for one of the men in a deep spiritual but innocent way and that he is helping her through a very rough time in her life. While at the same time openly not connecting with me nor wanting to.

Admittedly our marriage is going poorly right now. But she claims just friend status and its innocent and what a shame it'd be if her husband blocked her from having friends. I agree, yes, but sometimes it can go too far, right? She's never been secretive so this bothers me. She says its because she feared my jealous reactions. Hypothetically I agree with this notion but my reaction is a separate issue to what is actually going on outside of the marriage. And given the facts it warrants a husband asking (with my internal hopes that she will make an attempt to ease my fears and show some interest in giving our marriage a little priority and respectful consideration).

But, within hours of showing her the phone bill and confronting her with asking who these men are and why they are texting every day morning and into late night, she canceled her cell phone on our family plan and got her own private cell phone that I can't see. She said she did it for me so nobody would have her number anymore, yet within 2 days she was back communicating with these men. I felt betrayed yet kept that inside trying not to be the jealous husband and just give her her space and get over it. In fact she even told at least one or more of these men that her husband was jealous and wanted them to stop being friends - kind of threw me under the bus. I never said to stop, I just wanted more information. It concerned me that she was willing to throw her husband under the bus to these supposedly casual friends she knows from the gym. I can't believe our marriage is in a place where other men, friends or not, have become her selfish priority and even openly so. Should I just man up on that and get over it or is it a fair concern of a husband? And where do I draw a reasonable line about giving her space yet still needing some boundaries? Or not even limiting "boundaries" but just being able to openly discuss feelings either of us have and not have it being "forbidden" to discuss (like it is now). She promises its all innocent and begs me to drop it or she fears it will become a real trust problem with us. (Yes, I think in my mind - trust. I'm not the one doing things to unstabilize trust other than asking).

I feel the blame is being shifted. I don't want to bring it up again with her, to give the marriage space and freedom and not create problems, but I can't shake the stress about it. I've tried several times to openly discuss her feelings, why its happening so often, where she wants to go with those relationships, her opinions in what is too far in a marriage, etc. I get defensiveness in return and blame for prying. She says lets just have fun and stop taking about problems and that I'm ruining things by not just letting it go.. I feel in this extreme case its justified to ask and be aware as a husband why my wife is texting men 7 pm to 1 am daily with friends she told me in past were just casual and that she just texted every now and then and almost NEVER at night. Yet the phone bill is right there with obvious facts. Giving freedom to have outside friends in marriages is completely cool with me, but I guess I learned I do have limits in certain situations where I'm going to want more information to reassure our marriage's priority and respect for each other when one is uncomfortable. She is mostly unwilling to acknowledge she is doing anything wrong and blames me for being "obsessed, jealous and controlling." I've never been aggressive with her on this issue nor told her to stop, just that I think its excessive and I want to know more about these friends.

I offered to invite them to a beer or meet them (which would make me feel safer if I knew them - but no go. Which only contributes to more uncertainty and begging the questions if they are so innocent then why hide a friendship? I ask info about them and get trickled bits and pieces each time, thus forcing me to keep asking again over several days/weeks who they are, etc. etc. With these facts I just couldn't let it rest with comments like "he's just a friend I met and we hardly ever text and if we do its just about the weather, etc." I ask, "OK, whats his name? Is he married? Does his wife know youre texting nightly at 10 pm?" I get trickles of info, obviously holding back and more defensiveness, which contributes to more uncertainty in face of the facts. The more I do the more she labels me with the obsessed problem and not her new behavior. I just can't see how a 20 year marriage could be blocked so severely and how a wife could openly de-prioritize our relationship so swiftly and claim its all just fine. I guess I believe she is not sleeping with these men but its possible she is going too far and forming intimate friendships that are borderline - which might be OK if she was not so secretive, defensive, texting them late at night and hiding that from me, canceling her cell phone and getting her own personal account that I can't see (which by the way is during the time we are in very severe financial stress and adding another $100/mo in expenses is just horrible timing - very selfish and avoiding reality.

And if she is willing to go this far, maybe it is more than just her pride and stubbornness, otherwise why create real problems over nothing), downplaying how frequent she texts them and says she never does so at night, yet the phone bill is right in front of her. I really don't want to make more of a situation here and possibly create a real trust/jealous problem, but in this case there are many small things that don't add up that are contributing to my concerns and she seems unwilling to discuss any open issues or acknowledgement of the situation. I feel like I just want to let it go as I always have over 20 years but it keeps nagging at me.

How might I approach her in a very non-threatening way? Or if I do drop it, I'll need a new perspective here to cope with it internally and somehow erase my concerns or just swallow them. I just can't understand why she is willing to hurt our marriage over this when it seems justified for a husband to ask what his wife is doing in what seems to be an unusual behavior? Or is it me hurting our marriage? Thanks in advance for any help.

From all that I read, you are completely in the right and your wife is totally wrong. With that being said, there is no simple solution. I understand that you do not want to betray her trust, but your wife seems to know this too and is using that against you. You have every right as a husband to know what is going on with your wife.
If she won't be honest with you, then you have every right to find out for yourself.
I suggest you call these men and not be embarrassed. Find out what is going on for yourself.
Tell your wife that you want to be the man she confides in and that she is pushing you two apart by making a stranger the sounding board that you ought to be. You need to stand up and fight for your relationship and not let anyone doubt your intentions.
Your wife should be allowed to have friends, but you should be her best friend. Tell her that, and if you get a chance, tell us what she says.

She eventually told me she has "feelings" for one of the men in a deep spiritual but innocent way and that he is helping her through a very rough time in her life. While at the same time openly not connecting with me nor wanting to.

Admittedly our marriage is going poorly right now

But I guess I learned I do have limits in certain situations where I'm going to want more information to reassure our marriage's priority and respect for each other when one is uncomfortable. She is mostly unwilling to acknowledge she is doing anything wrong and blames me for being "obsessed, jealous and controlling." I've never been aggressive with her on this issue nor told her to stop, just that I think its excessive and I want to know more about these friends.

The more I do the more she labels me with the obsessed problem and not her new behavior. I just can't see how a 20 year marriage could be blocked so severely and how a wife could openly de-prioritize our relationship so swiftly and claim its all just fine. I guess I believe she is not sleeping with these men but its possible she is going too far and forming intimate friendships that are borderline - which might be OK if she was not so secretive, defensive, texting them late at night and hiding that from me, canceling her cell phone and getting her own personal account that I can't see (which by the way is during the time we are in very severe financial stress and adding another $100/mo in expenses is just horrible timing - very selfish and avoiding reality.

This isn't about trust or loyalty. Its about how you both deal with whatever is going on between you which I suspect is financial insecurity, or changes in family life. Any kids?

Maybe YOU have changed and making her change as a reaction. Maybe its her that has lost trust and confidence with YOU. I have no doubt that a self evaluation of YOUR own actions and reactions will lead to a better environment for good communications since everything is about what you saw on a phone bill which leads me to believe she made NO attempt to hide ANYTHING from you.

This isn't about who she is friends with or who she talks too, or when. Its how you relate to each other stress or not from the outside. Personally, During hard times the less pressure I add to the situation the closer my wife of 37 years come closer to me for love and support because she knows I understand what SHE is going through.

By your own words you use to have unconditional trust, but that's changed and has been replaced with fear, and questions. Go back to the unconditional trust, and deal with your own fears and insecurities and bring your wife back through confidence and the understanding she has come to know and wants back, NO DOUBT.

Let go of those resentments that fear has brought to your perception,and stop placing blame and expectations and get some cool, calm, and collected thinking going and remain in control of yourself, your words and actions and change the whole dynamic of whatever you two are going through, because you cannot set boundarie out of fear or mitrust,only honest communications.

Be patient, and receptive and you will get better results than you are getting. I have full confidence that you will act better than you are feeling, with some honest retrospection.


She says lets just have fun and stop taking about problems and that I'm ruining things by not just letting it go.

Try it her way, maybe she knows something YOU don't. Trust her judgement.

Questions I know.

These are deep and somewhat serious issues, since also while she is texting 400 or more times, she is also not devoting time to her real family. So where are you from 6 to 10 every night when she is doing this ?

What type of problems are there in the marriage, that made her need to reach out to someone else.

It is obvious she has no plans to stop, and I see this as a sign of marriage in serious trouble,
Really a counselor or a divorce attoreny is the only two real options I see at this point