This may be a lengthy post and my first time on here so thanks in advance to those that take the time to read.

Ok so I started dating my boyfriend 4 and a half years ago. Things started OK but It felt great. There were a few warning signs - feeling annoyed by him after a few times hanging out, realising he wasn't too bright either to the point where a few of my friends made jokes about him growing up in a foreign country. Despite this we moved in together after a month or so of dating! I'm 22 by the way he's 25.
I have had 2 other long term relationships before that so I have spent way more time of my teen to adult years being committed and not single.

Anyway so as I said things were fine for a while. He made me feel good and it wasn't long before we were proclaiming our love for each other.

We spent the first year mostly unemployed and being together 24/7. I think we saw our friends separately like only a few times in that year.

I started to become aware of who he was and spent many nights in constant battles with each other fighting over the most stupid of things. Like I'm saying these fights went for about 4 hours straight. Only having a break when he would say something to hurt me and had made me cry.

2nd year we moved into a new place and he was working full time and I was studying. This is when a lot of the crap happened. He started lying. A lot. Some were minor. Some not so much. (Never cheated or anything) as far as I know lol.

So yeah fights got even bigger. Not for as long. It was cut down to about an hour actually. Just more hurtful things said in less time. Then I would be left crying with him telling me he'd make it up to me only to find out he lied again. Sigh.

Ok so third year and he got fired. We began to be around each other 24/7 again and it was taking a toll. So much that I felt utterly miserable and depressed. I ceased my studies and isolated myself at home with the problem at hand. I can see that it was a stupid thing to do but at that time I felt I had no other option.
So as time went on I think resent and hate grew. He had never bought me a present for an occasion (sometimes money was tight) but there was no effort. No dates. All all. Like we have never once gone on a special date together. We tried recently to have dinner at a pub but even that turned into a fight and quickly ended up back at home.

Anyway, in the 3rd year he started to get even more emotionally abusive. I'm not saint either (I have called him a few minor things) but his comments were purely intended to hurt then if I'd say something back he'd tell me that ill pay for that. And that he will be an to me all day for saying that.

Over the past year I have been severely confused and spending every day thinking about breaking up with him. We now often tell each other we hate one another and erupt into and argument over anything. I wouldn't really consider it a fight anymore as I am so mentally drained I usually just back down to avoid it going further. He gets SO loud and I worry that our neighbours will complain (we're renting) that's another issue. He has no respect for the neighbours either. He's always being loud or banging things. It's like he was never taught these basic things and mutual respect for one another? I have talks to him about every thing I have problems with and nothing changes. I have begged h to lower his voice and hell just get louder like a child?
I'm always worried something will happen.
So anyway in the 4th year things got worse him saying horrible things like he wished I would die and telling me to off out of the house so he can have space. Things got intense. Like I said I'm no saint and I would call him means thins sometimes like say you're stupid but it was always in reply to him flipping it out of no where. He has been physical but I give it back likes pushing and that. This hasn't happened much. He's never bashed me. But he's held things like a plate or cup up and said I want to smash thins over your head.

So I've been working all year and supporting him. I make fairly decent money for my age and he even has the audacity to tell me how to spend my money and get angry if I make a silly $10 eBay purchase.

I don't look after myself at all because I just don't care about life itself. There are so many little hobbies I want to start up but I just feel myself putting them off. And I mean really putting them off. I haven't done something for myself in years. This isn't his fault. He doesn't control me to stay at home or anything. It's just the last thing I want to do is go out and have to fake a smile around all the happy people in the world. I don't go out and see my friends he doesn't either therefore were around each other all the time. I don't know if this is normal because we don't have space or if this is still horribly wrong??

There's so much more to say and I'm my even sure what my question is. There have been good times but so so so many bad. I guess I know deep down what I should do but I always have this horrible feeling deep down that he could be the one and maybe we both just need to change things. I'm sick of waiting and I'm sick of wasting my life away knowing what's out there.

So why can't I find the courage to leave or even a definitive answer? I've thought about it for the last year and writing it out makes me see how bad it has gotten I have just never been able to go "ok that's it. done. cya later" and leave the house. ( I have parents and friends to go to)
Basically I'm so mentally exhausted, broken and down on myself I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm being abit of a drama queen (he calls me this everyday) or if he is just a straight up .
He always finds blame on me. And not just me. I've noticed at his job with his family he always blames things on everyone else and never himself. I just feel like he's very immature also.

I need courage. I need strength. But firstly I need some sort of clarity and I'm hoping a few replys will help. How do I find these things? Any help?

Thanks again guys

Lozzy

Hi friend , I am too going through same phase but different , I have learnt one thing n would like to share with you that just move ahead and ignore all other things . Don't look back . Be proud of your decisions . U should take a break and relax . But one thing you should do is stop thinking about things and live your life only . We always things for others and ignore ourselves which makes us feel lost in world . This all I have done to come out and it really works dear . Try it...

Hi frnd , i am too going through same phase but different , i have learnt one thing n would like to share with u dat just move ahead and ignore all other things . dnt look back . be proud of ur decisions . u should take a break and relax . but one thing u should do is stop thinking abt things and live ur life only . We always things for others and ignore ourselves which makes us feel lost in world . this all i hav done to come out n it really works dear . try it .........



Thanks so much for the reply. I definitely do need a break and need time for myself. I just keep thinking I don't even have the will to start whilst I'm with him. I feel like I need some sort of massive life change to get things right. But that life change seems so painful and a decision I definitely can't take back which just adds to the whole confusion and stagnation -_-

Thanks again for your insight. Much appreciated!

It is quite obvious that this relationship is worse than toxic. Things have deteriorated every year since the two of you have been together. From your post it appears that nothing has gotten any better. In a true and loving relationship things get better with time and age. This apparently has not happened here.

Make a list of the pros and cons of this relationship. What is good about it and what is bad. I'm willing to bet that the bad list is much longer than the good list.

At your age, 22, you are still learning to be yourself as an adult without having the added difficulty of learning to be a partner.

Time to move on as I can promise you that things will only get worse.

It is quite obvious that this relationship is worse than toxic. Things have deteriorated every year since the two of you have been together. From your post it appears that nothing has gotten any better. In a true and loving relationship things get better with time and age. This apparently has not happened here.

Make a list of the pros and cons of this relationship. What is good about it and what is bad. I'm willing to bet that the bad list is much longer than the good list.

At your age, 22, you are still learning to be yourself as an adult without having the added difficulty of learning to be a partner.

Time to move on as I can promise you that things will only get worse.


Thanks for the reply. You are right. It is toxic and I've known this for some time. I guess I've been in denial. But this year it has really sunk in. how long are we BOTH expected to live like this? I will definitely take your advice and do a pro and con list ( though like you said I think we both know how it's going to look) I imagine it will help to be able to look back on it as
I think it's just a case of WHEN I move on now. Still trying to conjure up that silly little thing called Courage -_-

Thanks again for the reply. This is making a world if difference.


Lozzy