Me and my girl have been together for 6 months now. She is young. I saw a thread about this earlier and I thought that I would make my own. I am 20 and she is 14. Now before you say anything about her being too young for love, I have asked her if she really wanted to wait around for me, she said yes. I continue to talk to her and see her because I know how important communication and trust is in a relationship. And if you do not know how it feels to be in a relationship like this, please do not submit an answer. I am old enough to realize the situation I am and I don't need a smart one to post a snide answer on my thread. I was just wondering if anybody knows what to do in this kind of situation. She is very mature. I have seen the way she acts. She acts just like girls my age and she is very comfortable around me and tells me everything about her life and I love her and support her with everything I have. She is also very smart. She runs a 4.0 in high school and plans on going to college very soon. She has a bad past with her family and she tells me about it all the time and I support her 100 percent of the time and I made a promise to make her much happier and so far, I have kept the promise I made to her. We talked about marriage before. She loves the idea and it warms my heart to hear her so excited for it. I just want her to know what responsibilities come with marriage. This is not about sexual contact either. We are both virgins and do not plan on doing anything until she is of age. Her grandparents are her legal guardians and according to her, they love me, because of how I treat her and how happy I make her. Any helpful comments or answers are surely appreciated.

Thank you!

Austin

"This is not about sexual contact either."

You will be walking that tightrope for 4 years and under pressure to do something and want something. If you do decide now how prison orange jumpsuit looks on you now. Also think about being labeled a sexual predator for the rest of your life. Even sexting can land you in jail right now.

Better yet - find yourself and find out what it is about you that attracts you physically AND mentally to a 14 year old. If you find this out my guess is you won't like the answer.

Like I said we are virgins. I don't plan on doing anything with her for a while. It makes our relationship much stronger if we wait to do those kind of things. Like I said. "NO SEXUAL CONTACT." Why don't you ask yourself what love is and see if the definition has the word "age" in it at all. That will bury any doubts you may have about my relationship. If her grandparents like the idea, I might get engaged with her by the time she is 17. People like you just need to get over the fact that people can fall in love. She may be young, but I don't appreciate the fact that most people that have a problem with our relationship are all in relationships where their partner is the same age as or 1/2 years difference. On that note, they do not know how a relationship like this feels.

Like I said we are virgins. I don't plan on doing anything with her for a while. It makes our relationship much stronger if we wait to do those kind of things. Like I said. "NO SEXUAL CONTACT." Why don't you ask yourself what love is and see if the definition has the word "age" in it at all. That will bury any doubts you may have about my relationship. If her grandparents like the idea, I might get engaged with her by the time she is 17. People like you just need to get over the fact that people can fall in love. She may be young, but I dont appreciate the fact that most people that have a problem with our relationship are all in relationships where their partner is the same age as or 1/2 years difference. On that note, they do not know how a relationship like this feels.


Did you take her Trick or Treating last Halloween? Did she dress up like Hana Montana? Is her bedtime 8:30?

Do you hear yourself? You think you are in love with a child. What emotional and mental connection can you have with a child? If this doesn't work out maybe you can set your sights on another Middle School aged child. Better yet, as a father someday, would you approve of your Middle School aged child dating a man (certainly by age only).

Sure the word "age" isn't in the definition of love... but the law really doesn't care about that at all.

I have to completely agree with Oliver. He has some good insight here. And just because you don't like the answers you're getting, doesn't mean the answers are wrong... it only means they are answrs that you don't want to hear.

So anyway, my wife is 6 years younger than I am but guess what? We started dating when BOTH of us were legal adults. In this case I agree that age doesn't matter. I do have to wonder what it is about a 14 year old that would make a 20 year old so attracted... well, other than the sexual part of it that is. At 20, you should have a different life than she does. Are you developmentally challenged? Or maybe she has such superior intellect that she is completely on your level... right.

So really... as Oliver said, look inside yourself and see what it is about a 14 year old that attracts you so much. Something isn't right.

That's the part that most of you don't understand. I'm not in this relationship for sex. It's for her. She understands me and supports me 100 percent. She sees past my age. My looks. She sees the heart I have and the feelings I have for her. It may be socially not accepted, but could I at least get some good advice. I don't need someone to try and shut down the idea of my relationship with her. The reason why she attracts me is because of her maturity and the fact that we have so much in common. She is a country girl, I am a country guy and we both have the same love for a lot of the same things. Sports, Music, Family Values, Dreams, etc. There's your answer guys. Sorry it took so long.

Oh and also what attracts me is her affinity for those around her and her friendliness. She is a counselor for gift/special needs children. She is incredibly smart and sweet. I would appreciate you guys not referring her as a 14 year old. I know what she is. It's not what she is to me, it's who she is to me. Obviously none of you really care about my situation because if you did, you would see past her age. That's all I ever get from the younger generation. It's wrong because she is so young! Get the heck over it! It really ticks me off that people can't get over themselves. Let me put you in my shoes. See what you do.

That's the part that most of you don't understand. I'm not in this relationship for sex. It's for her. She understands me and supports me 100 percent. She sees past my age. My looks. She sees the heart I have and the feelings I have for her. It may be socially not accepted, but could I at least get some good advice. I don't need someone to try and shut down the idea of my relationship with her. The reason why she attracts me is because of her maturity and the fact that we have so much in common. She is a country girl, I am a country guy and we both have the same love for a lot of the same things. Sports, Music, Family Values, Dreams, etc. There's your answer guys. Sorry it took so long.

"but could I at least get some good advice."

From where I am sitting you have gotten excellent advice.

You have to make your own decisions and each of those decisions has consequences. Some can be good and some can be bad. That child has the same issue only she can still be grounded by her parents.

Christmas gift ideas for the one you "love": Coloring books, Barbie, washable makeup, underroos, the new Harry Potter book, etc.

Nobody needs to get over themselves except you.

What you are doing is questionable at best. What kind of advice did you expect to get?

Oh! Go for it!
Awesome!
I'm so happy for you that you found your true love and she's not in diapers anymore!

Really now. You came here knowing you were going to have issues but you posted anyway. The general population doesn't agree with what you're doing. I have a 12 year old daughter. In 2 years, if I find out that there is a 20 year old guy grooming her, I would need to be restrained to keep from acting on it.

What did you really expect?

Here's some advice... find a girl your own age.

Odinn, what do you think a man would want to date your daughter for? Answer that question correctly and I will grant you a response. (:

That's the problem... A "man" shouldn't want to date my daughter at that age.

That's the problem...A "man" shouldn't want to date my daughter at that age.

The severity of the situation is lost on him, that is until he is fitted with the prison orange jump suit. See - that is why I don't do something to go to prison - orange is so not my color.

If emotional maturity was scored, I think we are looking at a dead heat.

What's wrong with finding a WOMAN your own age rather than a GIRL? Or can't you find a woman old enough to think for herself rather than a girl you can take advantage of to get what you want. We have a name for people like that... we call them pedophiles.

I know this is not legal but I wish it was. If someone is dating an underage girl (notice I did not say woman) then fathers, brother, mother, uncle heck anyone should be able to beat the heck out of said pervert and not get charged. I don't care sexual contact or not if you are dating a little girl you need to be taught a lesson.
This is speaking from someone that was abused by a older person who thought little girls were sexy and attractive.
OP you are a freaking pervert and I hope karma gets you.

She's 14. At 14, NO ONE is mature enough to know what they want. She doesn't even know who SHE is, yet. Hell, 20 isn't old enough to know who you are. Wait six months, or maybe a year, and EVERYTHING will change.

Has she even hit PUBERTY, yet?

I have a 13 year old niece. You better BELIEVE there would be a line several blocks long of people waiting for a chance to kick a 20 year old man's @ss if he even THOUGHT about dating her.

Oh, and it doesn't take sexual contact for you to end up in jail. All it takes is the right (or wrong, for you) person to suspect it. Suddenly, you're in court trying to explain to a judge and jury what a 20 year old man could POSSIBLY see in a 14 year old girl, that ISN'T sexual. Good luck with that. Even if she swears nothing is going on, a jury will be inclined to believe she's lying either out of fear or to protect you.

Once you're convicted of a sex crime, it will control every part of your life. You will have to register every time you move. You will be prevented from living in some areas. You won't be allowed to work some jobs, and others will refuse to hire you. It may even dictate who you can be around.

Even if you don't get convicted, the charge will stay on your record. That means that ANY background check will see it. More and more jobs run a background check before hiring, and a sex crime charge will make many turn you down. If you ever get in ANY sort of trouble with the police, they'll see that charge and be more inclined to be tougher on you.

Pretty much every single person you will ever talk to has a younger sister, niece, daughter, granddaughter, or friend's daughter. They find out you were charged with sexual misconduct with a minor, and you are automatically on their blacklist. The few who bother to let you try to explain will stop listening as soon as they learn your ages.

You're REALLY ready to ruin your entire life just so you can 'date' a child?

I feel like everyone in this thread has gone a little bit too far in jumping to conclusions. I think that everyone should give the OP the benefit of the doubt, and give him genuine answers. If you don't believe in what he's doing and have nothing positive to share, then you don't have to post here. What he does in his life is his choice, and he came to a support website for answers. He specifically said not to post if you are just going to talk about their ages.

I am 20 years old right now, but I remember being in high school just several years ago. And I remember many girls(and guys) that were super mature for their ages, some that are probably even more mature than me right now. I'm not an immature person in general, but some of the 14 and 15 year old girls I met in high school already knew what they wanted to do in life, and they are doing it right now. I'm still at a community college figuring out what I like and don't like.

If the OP is serious and he is willing to wait for this girl, then more power to him. Emotional connection is more important than physical anyway. Do what you're doing, and don't let other people make you doubt your relationship. Just be supportive and caring, and you can be together in a few years without feeling any judgement from others who don't understand your situation. In fact I don't understand your situation because I haven't been in one similar, but I can understand that it can work if you're respectful.

Madly, you have experts here who are posting, and have read it all. You can't determine who can post or not post here. That is not your option. I agree with many of our experts in this topic. The OP SHOULD NOT BE DATING OR HAVING ANY RELATIONS WITH AN UDERAGE GIRL.

Until you get some experience under your belt here, then you really have no right to cast judgment on our experts.

When you post your opinion here, on an international site, your words are heard by many people, right or wrong. If they are wrong, then you are doing a disservice to the population. Please choose your words carefully if you want to post here and be heard and understood, and make sure you include any links to topics that you are referring to.

Tick

If you don't believe in what he's doing and have nothing positive to share, then you don't have to post here.

Ok, thanks for letting me know that I don't have to post here because I don't agree with him.


What he does in his life is his choice, and he came to a support website for answers. He specifically said not to post if you are just going to talk about their ages.


It's his choice? Sure it is... but if it involves something like this, there's more to it than whether it's his choice. We're not talking about buying a shirt here.

And again, I thank you for pointing out that I shouldn't be posting in this thread. I'm glad I have someone to watch over me and the others here to tell us that we either need to agree or not post.

First, this is a public forum. Anyone can post on any thread they see fit, and as long as they give valid advice (and valid doesn't mean the advice the OP wants to hear), they have a right to post. No one can dictate who posts on this thread. It's open to any member of this site.

Second, this isn't a matter of opinion. Not one decent person on this site is going to give a 20 year old predator advice on how to seduce and mold a 14 year old girl. It's just not going to happen. We don't condone illegal activity on this site, and we won't give advice on how to get away with it.

Bottom line, at 14 she's a child. I don't care how mature she is, she's not ready for a serious relationship. At 20 you're an adult, and you should know better than to prey on a child.

If you love her as much as you say you do, and you want to marry her one day, then leave her be until she's at least 18. Let her have the chance to be a child without you molding her just for you. Let her date kids her own age, and if she really is in love with you, that won't change when she's 18. But I'd bet money that 4 years from now she'll be on to someone new. Why? Because she's not mature enough to really know what love is, and it has nothing to do with intelligence, it has everything to do with her being 14. Her brain isn't fully developed yet, and the part of her brain that makes safe choices, and knows the difference between love and a crush, simply isn't developed yet.

You're kidding yourself if you think that she's in love with you. She may say it, but she has not concept about what love is, at least not when it comes to having a relationship.

I couldn't agree more with hheath. All I can do us sit here and think of my friends daughter, who is also very mature, and like heath mentioned, has not even started her period, to think if her saying a 20 year old man makes my blood curdle. I can't possibly imagine what a man sees in a young teen.

I think you're here looking for validation for being a pedophile, because let's face it, you are.

You are grooming this girl and if I had a way I would find you and protect her. Do you realize I am in my 40s and the guilt of my abuse still haunts me. I blame myself at times, even knowing it is not my fault. I take no pride in my appearance and still struggle with that as if I don't look nice then I won't be hurt. If I hide my feelings and stay away from others I will be safe. My abusers groomed me to be the perfect girlfriend/wife. I stayed silent until I was an adult. Just because you are not having sex with her does not mean you are not abusing her.
You say she has had a rough life why are you making it worse? You could also suggest counseling for her so she can not get into bad relationships. Please listen to someone who went through this. If you really truly love her you will stop seeing her, and get help. If it is meant to be when she is an adult then you two can date. Let her enjoy her life as a teen, let her grow up and experience a normal life.
I could write more about the long term consequences of what you are doing and I hope you are listening and stop this now. If you don't I hope someone rescues this little girl so she does not suffer like I did.

You say she had a rough life yet her parents and grandparents "love" you, are these the same people that made her life "rough"? I am inclined to believe they also are not apt to make the best judgment either.

I never said that I was an expert, but I gave my own experience that I've seen firsthand. Every word that the experts have said here are valid, but I just feel like they aren't taking into consideration that they could really be in love, and that OP might just be a decent guy, and that that girl is on the same mental level as him.

Yes I agree that if the OP isn't giving us the full story, and is just looking for ways to manipulate and trap her in a relationship, then that isn't right. I will be the first person to go hunt him down. But I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe everyone should read his question and give him the benefit of the doubt. I know there are many twisted people out there, but there are also many nice people out there. I've known friends who dated much older or much younger people, and a lot of them were religious(Catholic and others) and shared the same beliefs. Their parents approved of their dating choices after meeting them, even if they were apprehensive at first when learning about the age gap. I'm just saying that he could just be a decent guy, and if her grandparents met him and approve, then I'm sure that means more than random people online giving their opinion, no matter how much of an expert they are.

So I guess my advice would be just to keep getting to know her. You haven't really known her for an extended time yet. Don't try to rush into marriage yet, even if her grandparents would allow it. You can hang out with her and date her, but make sure you stay true to your word of not doing anything sexual with a minor. Just get to know her man, and by the time she becomes legal for you to date, you will have known her for over 4 years, and you'll know if she's the kind of person that you can imagine spending your life with. But just be weary that no matter how mature she is now, her tastes could change down the road.

So don't have too much expectations, but I'm sure if your "love" is true as you say, it will withstand a short 4 years.

So you don't want negative comments but you are a grown man who is dating a child. If you are attracted to a 14 year old child you need counseling, seriously. She should not have become your girlfriend because the moment you realized she was 14, something in your brain should have said "child - inappropriate - grossly inappropriate".

You say she'll be going to college "really soon". Uhm, not really. Try four years from now. She must be what, a freshman or at the oldest a young sophomore?

You're talking marriage to her? How is this beneficial to a girl who has aspirations for college? To marry a much older guy before she even knows herself, has any idea what she wants out of life?

You can say she's "mature" for her age. Incidentally, that's pretty much what every pedophile says about the victims they coerce into "relationships". Every older person who inappropriately takes advantage of situations like a bad homelife and offers some alternative to what that child knows is not good, such as marriage - claims that the young person is "mature" for their age. Well, get this - teenagers ARE mature in a lot of ways. That doesn't mean they are ready to date adults.

At 14 she's really not even old enough to date at all, much less talk marriage with an adult man. I wasn't even allowed to go on a date until I was 16 and yes, I was very mature. I was a straight A student, in every club, had a lot of responsibility at home, was not a giggling airhead type - I was a responsible, mature girl. But I was still a girl. This girl you supposedly "love" is also still a girl. 14 is the age kids start freshman year of high school - many kids are 14 in the eighth grade. This is a CHILD.

You need counseling to learn appropriate boundaries. Leave this girl alone - don't be her friend, just be done. She needs parents and guidance, not a predatory guy who's taking advantage of her insecurities and crap home life for some half-baked weirdly inappropriate "relationship". You are way, way, way off base here. You are "that guy" who goes after girls who are still children as an adult man. Is that who you want to be? No exceptions, no explanations, no conditions - you ARE that guy. Think about it.

Look, couldn't you just wait a few more years until you both are older?

I could sit here and point out the dangers in this, but I won't.

When I was 14, I dated an 18 year old. With my parents approval. He was a family friend, so that was the only reason why they allowed it in the first place. What I can remember most about it was I felt as if I was too young to be dating. My mind as well as my body was different then. Like a little girl, because I was a little girl, and like most 14 year olds, they don't know what they want. You may think she does, but she doesn't.

She is still very young. Allow her to be young. She has plenty of time fir grown up things.

Trust me, there are many girls (20 year old girls) out there. Perhaps you should consider someone your age, and hey, maybee up the road you two might end up together. Just not now.

I never said that I was an expert, but I gave my own experience that I've seen firsthand. Every word that the experts have said here are valid, but I just feel like they aren't taking into consideration that they could really be in love, and that OP might just be a decent guy, and that that girl is on the same mental level as him.

Yes I agree that if the OP isn't giving us the full story, and is just looking for ways to manipulate and trap her in a relationship, then that isn't right. I will be the first person to go hunt him down. But I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe everyone should read his question and give him the benefit of the doubt. I know there are many twisted people out there, but there are also many nice people out there. I've known friends who dated much older or much younger people, and a lot of them were religious(Catholic and others) and shared the same beliefs. Their parents approved of their dating choices after meeting them, even if they were apprehensive at first when learning about the age gap. I'm just saying that he could just be a decent guy, and if her grandparents met him and approve, then I'm sure that means more than random people online giving their opinion, no matter how much of an expert they are.

Wild guess. You're 14, aren't you?

I never said that I was an expert, but I gave my own experience that I've seen firsthand. Every word that the experts have said here are valid, but I just feel like they aren't taking into consideration that they could really be in love, and that OP might just be a decent guy, and that that girl is on the same mental level as him.

Yes I agree that if the OP isn't giving us the full story, and is just looking for ways to manipulate and trap her in a relationship, then that isn't right. I will be the first person to go hunt him down. But I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe everyone should read his question and give him the benefit of the doubt. I know there are many twisted people out there, but there are also many nice people out there. I've known friends who dated much older or much younger people, and a lot of them were religious(Catholic and others) and shared the same beliefs. Their parents approved of their dating choices after meeting them, even if they were apprehensive at first when learning about the age gap. I'm just saying that he could just be a decent guy, and if her grandparents met him and approve, then I'm sure that means more than random people online giving their opinion, no matter how much of an expert they are.

If he IS giving us the full story, he is an immature man who is leveraging the bad home situation of a child and grooming her for a predatory relationship. He may not intend to do so and may not have the self-awareness to know he is doing so, but that's what he is doing. This child will not be of an age of a consent for several years yet. To suggest that he continue to get to know her is grossly inappropriate and shows very poor judgement on your part. He needs to leave her alone and get counseling for himself. What he is doing could ruin both of their lives. There is no angle, no excuse, no explanation, not contrivance available to make a 20 year old going after a 14 year old and calling her his "girlfriend" appropriate or remotely OK. It's a predatory relationship.

Wild guess. You're 14, aren't you?

No. I don't get the impression she is 14. Her verbage is almost adult like. A very young adult, but an adult.

No. I don't get the impression she is 14. Her verbage is almost adult like. A very young adult, but an adult.

Well, that makes it 100 times worse. That an adult could give the advice she's given, urging on a predator, is abhorrent!

What she doesn't seem to understand is that her opinion and the things she's seen, don't amount to a pile of nuts on this thread. This is about the law, not about opinion, and an adult, mentioning marriage to a child, dating her, buying her things, etc. etc. well, everything the OP said makes it clear that he's grooming this child. That's very much against the law, and not subject to opinion.

Worse, the OP doesn't want to hear the facts, he wants someone to agree with him so he can continue grooming this child for his own pleasure, and this Madly person has now given him the encouragement he was looking for. She's urging him to continue breaking the law.

This makes me sick.

awtactical, I have to wonder if you have ever had a psychological evaluation to discover why you are attracted to children. I am not going to speak from a legal standpoint, you have already heard that. I am going to speak from a psychological standpoint.

I understand you are saying that she is mature, however according to Erik Erikson's Developmental Stages, this girl is an adolescent and is in the life stage of Identity vs Role Confusion. You, on the other hand, are in the life stage of Young Adulthood, which means young adults need to form intimate, loving relationships with other people. Success leads to strong relationships, while failure results in loneliness and isolation.

It appears that you need to form an intimate loving relationship with someone, however you haven't been able to do so with someone your age. Rather than continuing on in your search of finding a relationship with a peer, you are afraid of loneliness and isolation. In order to prevent yourself from being lonely, you are quite successfully grooming a child who is psychologically confused with her own identity. At her age it is impossible NOT to be confused with her identity no matter how mature she is.

By continuing this "relationship," whether sexual or not, you are quite effectively damaging her psyche. Neither you or she realize that now, but it will damage her as an adult.

It is quite obvious that you need a complete and comprehensive mental evaluation to determine your need/desire attract the attention of someone so much younger than you. Is it possible that you have the maturity of a 14 year old?

When I was 14, I was SURE of a LOT of things.

Two years later, I was SURE of a lot of DIFFERENT things.

Two years after THAT, I was SURE of ANOTHER different set of things.

Three years after THAT, I was SURE of yet ANOTHER different set of things.

Five years after THAT, and the things I am SURE of are STILL changing.

I am NOT the same person, with the same set of interests, goals, and values as I was at 23. Or 21. Or 18. Or 16. Or 14.

The person I was at 14 bore little resemblance to who I was at 16, and only a passing resemblance to who I was at 18. By the time I turned 21, almost NOTHING I was SURE of at 14 was the same. The person I was at 14 would not recognize the person I've become, at 26. I've learned, grown, matured, and changed too much.

No matter how SURE she is about wanting to date you, it WILL change. She CAN'T know what she wants out of life, because she lacks the knowledge and experience to know what her options are. Five years ago, she probably wanted to be a Disney princess. In another five years, maybe she'll want to be a nun, or a lesbian, or a doctor, or an undertaker, or the president of Russia.

The point is, she's WAY too young to be making life changing decisions. It doesn't matter HOW mature she is. She lacks the real world knowledge and experience to know what those decisions will mean. She has 10 pieces of a 1000 piece puzzle, and you're expecting her to be able to see the entire picture.

Leave her alone. Let her grow up and find the pieces on her own. If, after she's old enough to have enough experience to see the big picture, she still wants to date you, then go for it. However, that probably won't happen for at LEAST 10 years. Relationships started at 18-20 almost never last, because people are STILL too young to know who they are or what they want.

Go figure out who YOU are, and WHY you want to date and marry a child, before you do anything else. Maybe by the time you figure that out, she'll be legal.

Wild guess. You're 14, aren't you?

Actually if you read my previous posts I stated that I was 20 years old, and that I was in high school just several years back.

No. I don't get the impression she is 14. Her verbage is almost adult like. A very young adult, but an adult.

He*

Yeah I'm a guy, sorry for the confusion. Guys can be madly in love too.

Guys can be madly in love too. Means that you lose all rationality. You don't realize what is healthy and unhealthy. This relationship, as it may be, is totally and completely unhealthy to both parties.

Being mature means that you think not only with your heart, but with your head as well.

Means that you lose all rationality. You don't realize what is healthy and unhealthy. This relationship, as it may be, is totally and completely unhealthy to both parties.

Being mature means that you think not only with your heart, but with your head as well.

Well me being madly in love with anyone doesn't affect how I look at this, because I am looking at it from the outside. I've seen friends of mine go through relationships like these before in the past, and I haven't seen any problems as long as both parties are true to their word. And if her guardians approve, and she approves of the guy, then it should be okay as long as he isn't breaking the law by doing sexual things with her. Not all 20 year olds care just about sex, some care about an emotional connection with someone.

Madly, do you have any education in psychology?

Have you studied Erik Erikson's Developmental Stages? If you, you don't have a dog in this fight.

Madly, do you have any education in psychology?

Have you studied Erik Erikson's Developmental Stages? If you, you don't have a dog in this fight.

I don't have a professional background in psychology, but I have taken a class in high school and later in college. And yes I have studied the Developmental Stages, but I'm not calling myself an expert.

Everyone can post here on this public forums, and I am free to post as well. I'm not calling myself an expert, but I replied to this because I have seen similar situations back in high school.

As long as he isn't doing anything illegal and she wants to date him, then all of our opinions mean nothing. I understand everyone's points, they are very valid. I am merely playing devil's advocate here because I believe that as long as he isn't doing anything illegal and it's consensual, then it's okay.

I've seen friends of mine go through relationships like these before in the past, and I haven't seen any problems as long as both parties are true to their word. And if her guardians approve, and she approves of the guy, then it should be okay as long as he isn't breaking the law by doing sexual things with her. Not all 20 year olds care just about sex, some care about an emotional connection with someone.

The negative psychological trauma from a relationship like this doesn't usually show up for many years. Usually several years after the relationship ends and they realize it's warped their ability to have a healthy relationship or function as an independent adult.

At 20, the friends you've seen in relationships like this haven't reached the point where the damage is readily noticeable. By 30, when they realize that they have a string of controlling and manipulative relations behind them, because they never had the chance to learn how to function outside of a relationship (let alone how to have a healthy relationship), the effects will be MORE than noticeable.

I don't think you understand. She is not of the age that she can choose to date him. She is also not of the mentality to understand the depths of the situation. I don't believe you understand the consequences of the actions involved.

She is totally in a different mentality than he is, unless of course he is mentally challenged.

No, it's not okay, as you seem to believe it is. There can be some long lasting effects with her when there is a break up. It will happen, I can promise you that.

At this point in his life he is, or should be, focusing on a career and lifelong aspirations. A this point in her life she is focusing on prom, final exams, etc.

Look at it this way... It would be like a 4 year old dating a 10 year old. There is really no difference until both are in the adult stages of mental development.

Here is a website that is helpful in this area.

Erik Erikson | Psychosocial Stages (http://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html)

The negative psychological trauma from a relationship like this doesn't usually show up for many years. Usually several years after the relationship ends and they realize it's warped their ability to have a healthy relationship or function as an independent adult.

At 20, the friends you've seen in relationships like this haven't reached the point where the damage is readily noticeable. By 30, when they realize that they have a string of controlling and manipulative relations behind them, because they never had the chance to learn how to function outside of a relationship (let alone how to have a healthy relationship), the effects will be MORE than noticeable.

I do agree with your points, but I feel like such problems could arise with any relationship. If the girl wants a relationship, then she wants a relationship. It's not like if she stops dating the OP, her life will instantly become better. She can have a string of relationships with boys her own age(most of which will want sexual things, because they are 14-16 year old boys), and she can still not learn how to function without being in a relationship.

The thing is everyone is l

Sorry I'm on my iPhone, and I accidentally hit submit.

What I was saying was that I feel like everyone is looking only at the potential negative side of this relationship. If the OP is truly supportive of her and makes her happy, then how is that worse than her dating immature boys her own age? If she is more mature for her age, and the OP might be average or below average, then it seems like they might be a better fit than most boys her age. I know at 14, and as a guy, I wasn't looking for a relationship. If she's interested in a relationship, then the OP is no worse than boys her own age, who might care more about sex than the OP does. But these are all educated guesses because we can't tell for sure if the OP is a decent, respectable guy, and we can't tell how the other boys in her school act. Do you see where I'm going with this?

Madly, how old are you?

Madly, how old are you?

I am 20 years old. And I will read the link you posted when I get home soon.

I don't think you understand. She is not of the age that she can choose to date him. She is also not of the mentality to understand the depths of the situation. I don't believe you understand the consequences of the actions involved.

She is totally in a different mentality than he is, unless of course he is mentally challenged.

No, it's not okay, as you seem to believe it is. There can be some long lasting effects with her when there is a break up. It will happen, I can promise you that.

At this point in his life he is, or should be, focusing on a career and lifelong aspirations. A this point in her life she is focusing on prom, final exams, etc.

Look at it this way... It would be like a 4 year old dating a 10 year old. There is really no difference until both are in the adult stages of mental development.

Here is a website that is helpful in this area.

Erik Erikson | Psychosocial Stages (http://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html)

I am aware that she isn't of legal age to decide for herself, but in that case her legal guardians can decide whether they choose to let her date a 20 year old. It would be helpful to know where the OP lives, but I'm sure that the girl's guardians have the final say.

You seem to be under the impression that it's black and white, but there is so much gray area. It's not like she has two choices:
1) to date him and get messed up mentally
2) not to date him, and to live a perfect life

There are many other options in between.

Let's do a hypothetical situation, and you tell me what you think. What if the OP and this girl have so much in common, and they just connect on every level. What if they truly understand each other? What if his intentions are true and honest, and he really just likes her and supports her in life. What if she has had other boyfriends in the past, and she didn't connect with any guy before she met the OP. Or maybe she hasn't had a boyfriend, and chosen to wait until she met a guy she really connected with? Do they have to break up because she isn't of legal age? Even if her guardians approve of their relationship?

And even if the OP is "mentally challenged", does that not mean he deserves to be with someone he connects with and understands? I don't know what you mean specifically by mentally challenged, but I feel like that isn't right to say. Why jump to such conclusions? A person comes to this website looking for support and guidance, and even if you've helped him with the things you've said, there is NO need to say such things about the OP, even if joking.
Even though I'm only 20 years old, you can read through all of my posts in this thread and I have never said anything degrading towards anyone. Even if I don't fully agree with what someone says, I'm going to think about what they said and respect them.

You degrading someone on an Internet support forum leads me to believe that you might either have self-esteem issues about your real life, or unresolved issues from the past.

At 14, she's not old enough to know what a real relationship is, so can't want one.

I was very mature for my age, at 14. I also wanted to find the portal to Narnia.

I never fell into the petty fights and drama that are so common at the age. I had a fairly realistic, if a bit simplistic, world view. I was holding nearly straight A's, and had perfect attendance. I was active in my church, including an early morning scripture group before school. I followed the rules, because I knew they were there for a reason. I did my homework without being told, and kept my room clean. I babysat my niece when asked. I was pretty solely responsible for cooking my own meals, and didn't live on cookies and PB&J sandwiches.

I spent all my free time reading. I wanted to pet a unicorn. I thought the world was black and white, and everything that didn't fit within my definition of 'right' was 'wrong.' I knew I wanted to go to college. I'd meet a nice boy at church when I was 18, fall in love, get married, and have as many kids as I ended up pregnant with. I'd be a stay-at-home mom, and my husband would make enough money for us to own a huge house and go on lots of vacations. The kids would be well behaved, and there would be no fights in my family. We'd have several cats, a dog, birds, fish, and various other pets. The house would always be clean, and we'd always have big family dinners where we talked about our days. All my friends would be married with kids the same ages as mine, and they'd play together and be best friends, until my kids married their kids and we all became one big family.

I was 14. I was SURE of what I wanted, and that I would have no problem getting it. I lacked the maturity, experience, and knowledge to understand that what I 'wanted' was not only HIGHLY unrealistic, but not what I would want even two years later. I had all the big parts of my life planned out, and didn't even realize there were details to worry about. I was SURE that everything would just kind of happen on its own, if I wanted it enough.

It's simply NOT possible to make responsible and informed decisions, at that age. I had adult goals, but a child's understanding of how the world worked, and I didn't even realize it. Without the chance to learn and grow and figure out who I was and what I wanted, WITHOUT worrying about how it would effect someone else, I never would've gained the adult understanding to go with the adult goals. Being in a relationship means you can't change your goals, because you've already committed to them. If I had someone expecting me to hold to the goals I had at 14, I would be miserable. That simply is not the person I was supposed to be, and being in a relationship would've forciby stunted my emotional growth by severely limiting the directions I could grow in. It would've been like building a roof and three walls around a plant. The damage wouldn't have been noticeable until the barriers were removed, and you could see that it only grew in one direction.

At 14, she's not old enough to know what a real relationship is, so can't want one.

I was very mature for my age, at 14. I also wanted to find the portal to Narnia.

I never fell into the petty fights and drama that are so common at the age. I had a fairly realistic, if a bit simplistic, world view. I was holding nearly straight A's, and had perfect attendence. I was active in my church, including an early morning scripture group before school. I followed the rules, because I knew they were there for a reason. I did my homework without being told, and kept my room clean. I babysat my niece when asked. I was pretty solely responsible for cooking my own meals, and didn't live on cookies and PB&J sandwiches.

I spent all my free time reading. I wanted to pet a unicorn. I thought the world was black and white, and everything that didn't fit within my definition of 'right' was 'wrong.' I knew I wanted to go to college. I'd meet a nice boy at church when I was 18, fall in love, get married, and have as many kids as I ended up pregnant with. I'd be a stay-at-home mom, and my husband would make enough money for us to own a huge house and go on lots of vacations. The kids would be well behaved, and there would be no fights in my family. We'd have several cats, a dog, birds, fish, and various other pets. The house would always be clean, and we'd always have big family dinners where we talked about our days. All my friends would be married with kids the same ages as mine, and they'd play together and be best friends, until my kids married their kids and we all became one big family.

I was 14. I was SURE of what I wanted, and that I would have no problem getting it. I lacked the maturity, experience, and knowledge to understand that what I 'wanted' was not only HIGHLY unrealistic, but not what I would want even two years later. I had all the big parts of my life planned out, and didn't even realize there were details to worry about. I was SURE that everything would just kind of happen on its own, if I wanted it enough.

It's simply NOT possible to make responsible and informed decisions, at that age. I had adult goals, but a child's understanding of how the world worked, and I didn't even realize it. Without the chance to learn and grow and figure out who I was and what I wanted, WITHOUT worrying about how it would effect someone else, I never would've gained the adult understanding to go with the adult goals. Being in a relationship means you can't change your goals, because you've already commited to them. If I had someone expecting me to hold to the goals I had at 14, I would be miserable. That simply is not the person I was supposed to be, and being in a relationship would've forciby stunted my emotional growth by severely limiting the directions I could grow in. It would've been like building a roof and three walls around a plant. The damage wouldn't have been noticeable until the barriers were removed, and you could see that it only grew in one direction.

That was very well written, and I enjoyed reading all of your insight.

So I feel like there are many options that the OP could take, and some that he might not want to take. In your opinion, heathh451, would the best idea be for them to just break up right now? Or just to have fun and enjoy each other's company for now, and see if they still want to continue a relationship when she's 18. Should they just be friends for now? I feel like if they are so serious about each other(and everyone thinks they aren't mature), then won't it not be as easy and simple as breaking up?

Madly, comment below from post #46 is not appropriate and I am sure administrators will find it so. You are maligning a moderator on this site which doesn't look good on you. You don't seem to get the meaning of the word 'respect'.

You degrading someone on an Internet support forum leads me to believe that you might either have self-esteem issues about your real life, or unresolved issues from the past.

Tick

This thread is now officially
http://mvny.org/images/closed.gif

I want to add something here. This thread has gone a bit far afield and it became more about another member's opinions than the OP. That's why it was closed.

However, if the OP wants to continue the discussion he can either start a new thread, use the Report link and ask that the thread be reopened or PM one of the MODs to reopen.

I would urge the OP to do one of the above, but I believe he needs help. Help to understand and deal with his situation without taking advantage of a child. He needs to understand this relationship is wrong on several levels.