Hi Everyone,

I have undiagnosed BPD, I know I have it, you might say how do you know? Well I know, I was diagnosed with it at age 15 and it couldn't be written in files until I was 18 and by then I was "better"... in reality, I researched it and I just learned to manage it, I'm very self aware, I know things that trigger me and what not, I have a long history of suicide attempts, cutting, shoplifting, sex, recently drugs and alcohol, my current girlfriend spotted the BPD before I could ever tell her about it so hence I know I have it as I fit everything to the T that is not in question. For a while I was happy though...

The last relationship I was in was destroyed because of it, I need constant reassurance and when its not there I feel paranoid and crazy and go out of my mind thinking their lying and truth is she was (I'm gay just fyi) I had every reason to suspect her cheating etc and she got caught blah blah I was abused for like four years from her so I'm a little broken now but better then I was still that didn't help with the not needing reassurance when I had every reason to be as paranoid as I was in that relationship just makes me wonder if it didn't start that way and I pushed her, but she knew, researched BPD but I guess couldn't handle me, none the less.

I'm in a new relationship now, someone I love more then my own life, she says she gets it -- she loves mental health and works as a nurse at our mental health facility here in town and struggles with MDD. But sometimes we get in the biggest fights, we love each other to no end I know that and so does she, but when I get irrational and need constant reassurance sometimes I feel like she's not there, when I worry about her past relationships and how she's cheated before and wondering if I\m better for her then all the rest

She gets agitated and we fight. Then she wants to walk away and calm down when I need her the most and it feels like the world is ending. Sometimes it only takes her to cry to regain myself and then calm her down and for me to get rational but I find until she cries and I feel like I have a duty and responsibility to her it takes so long to come down from being irrational over sometimes the stupidest things.

I'm not on any medication, I really don't want to be I don't have a family doctor, when I'm not in a relationship I'm depressed as hell but I'm not this needy, clingy, crazy, paranoid feeling person.
Also, recently I did catch her in a huge lie one day where she lied to me about 30 times and even called me crazy paranoid when I told her I knew she was lying and ages later she confessed, this has made me lose a little trust in her, which is not good because I know how irritating it must be to have someone constantly suspicious of you.

I feel like she doesn't give me the appropriate responses I crave and need, like one day (tho every day I tell her but this particular day) I told her how amazing she is and good etc how happy she makes me like the best thing I've ever had entered my life and then right after I asked if she's happier now with me then any of her exs and she just said "well thats different" type of thing they were different relationships. Which made me sooooo upset because I know they where all abusive and not good relationships before me (she has told me)

So after me getting upset and finally telling her how I felt (cuz sometimes it takes a bit because I know little things like me getting upset over that would make her mad) she just said it didn't seem like any response was good enough to describe us type of thing and I told her well that was the worse response she could've said to begin with and she said she knew and she felt horrible and sometimes gets stuck to what to say.

She knows how to reassure me, I mean she works at a mental institution and she's told me she has the best bedside manor, but when it comes to me being irrational she just gets snotty and rude with me and defensive and then I just get like I need more reassurance.

I don't know what to do I love her so much and we both want to last forever, and I'm more happy with her then I have been my entire life.

I don't know if its just me pushing her away and needing to be medicated or if its her needing to know strategies.

I've been on medication before, anti depressants, etc. but she thinks I might need an anti psychotic? As I have psychosis but it doesn't present very often maybe four times in the less then a year.

I agree with her -- you need to see a psychiatrist and get yourself back on those meds (and have weekly or even twice weekly counseling sessions alone and with your girlfriend). Your boundaries move back and forth all the time, it sounds like, so that makes for very fragile, untrusting, even volatile relationships.

What's with the alphabet soup these days? Somebody is nobody until she gains status by identifying herself as OCD or ADHD or MDD or BPD. I have real-life friends who do this too, sort of a conversation opener.

One part of this story that bothers me is in the sentence 'I was abused for like four years from her.. '
You were a teen, presumably living with parents or a parent, and could not have been abused for more than 4 minutes, certainly not 4 years. You were free to leave on a dime. No children holding you, no fear of being killed, no inability to leave when you weren't even living together. So please leave the word 'abuse' for those who really are abused.

As far as borderline, sure. All that neediness just by itself. But so what? Putting a diagnosis name tag on your shirt and a dollar will still only get a cup of coffee.

I would ask a doctor about the possibility of anti-anxiety meds rather than the other two types, especially if they haven't worked. Your demands and needs seem frantic. But mainly you need a lot of self control, and you can get that with structured time to take your mind off yourself. Yoga. Courses (maybe mental health courses?) Walking, swimming, join the Y. A pet. Write an autobiography. Get out of your neediness.

One part of this story that bothers me is in the sentence 'I was abused for like four years from her..'
You were a teen, presumably living with parents or a parent, and could not have been abused for more than 4 minutes, certainly not 4 years. You were free to leave on a dime. No children holding you, no fear of being killed, no inability to leave when you weren't even living together. So please leave the word 'abuse' for those who really are abused.

As far as borderline, sure. All that neediness just by itself. But so what? Putting a diagnosis name tag on your shirt and a dollar will still only get a cup of coffee.

I would ask a doctor about the possibility of anti-anxiety meds rather than the other two types, especially if they haven't worked. Your demands and needs seem frantic. But mainly you need a lot of self control, and you can get that with structured time to take your mind off yourself. Yoga. Courses (maybe mental health courses?) Walking, swimming, join the Y. A pet. Write an autobiography. Get out of your neediness.

Um, I was living with her, I moved out with her when I was 19, I was verbally, financially, physically and emotionally, I had no support from friends or family as she cut me off from them, she broke many of my fingers, gave me a black eye, pushed me down a set of stairs numerous times, locked me in the house, pushed me up against a hot stove causing burns, left bruises on me day and night, held a knife to my throat, I couldn't even see the people I had in my life from the bruises on me, made me quit my job, quit my school, go on social services and lose over 5000$ in debt, so don't tell me I wasn't abused. Don't assume we weren't living together, I had no where else to go, I didn't have anybody else, she threatened me, my life, my family, in a abusive situation she was all I had so I couldn't leave. On top of that I loved her, sometimes you can't help that, sometimes the abuser is all you have so you can't leave in fear of having anyone else.
How do you know I don't have kids just because I don't mention them? You have no idea how old I am, I mentioned I got better at 18 because I stopped seeing a doctor and my mother threw my medication down the toilet. For all you know I could be 30 plus.

"But mainly you need a lot of self control, and you can get that with structured time to take your mind off yourself. Yoga. Courses (maybe mental health courses?) Walking, swimming, join the Y. A pet. Write an autobiography. Get out of your neediness"
I have extreme self control for BPD and I have tried all that, that doesn't help with feeling like your partner's going to cheat, paranoia or anything like that, if you know nothing about BPD because what you're saying is wrong and what it involves don't be an to me cause it makes you look like a fool. And not helpful at all for a person who is already at a low.

I would discuss all options with a doctor. If (and that is because I will not diagnosis anyone) you have BPD there are more treatment methods that don't involve medication for the long term. Some times you will need medication to get started but therapy, DBT, psych doc and a willingness to change can help. First step will be to talk to someone in the medical field to get an actual diagnosis and then discuss your treatment options.
I am speaking from personal experience, I had a diagnosis and was on medication for some time. I then went into DBT , therapy and had a psych doc as well. It was hard work but well worth it for me. If I self diagnosed I don't think I would be at where I am today.

I apologize! I thought you are 18. Sorry.
Please realize that we aren't there and only read what you write and sometimes assume based on that.
I do find your latest sentence very puzzling, that you have 'extreme self control for BPD.' Virtually everything you have written is indicative of exactly the opposite. Virtually everything you have written is about your BPD, as far as I can see. I do know a lot about it, have read entire books, had close friends, been there... and as far as I'm concerned, it's typical of many borderlines to resist everything and talk themselves out of every possible advice and help. Your intelligence and insight can be your own worst enemy. You seem to think that 'feeling like your partner's going to cheat etc etc' has nothing to do with being borderline, when how you handle all these things has everything to do with it.

I would discuss all options with a doctor. If (and that is because I will not diagnosis anyone) you have BPD there are more treatment methods that don't involve medication for the long term. Some times you will need medication to get started but therapy, DBT, psych doc and a willingness to change can help. First step will be to talk to someone in the medical field to get an actual diagnosis and then discuss your treatment options.
I am speaking from personal experience, I had a diagnosis and was on medication for some time. I then went into DBT , therapy and had a psych doc as well. It was hard work but well worth it for me. If I self diagnosed I don't think I would be at where I am today.

What is DBT sorry?
*edit*
Oh sorry never mind, I learned about that today but I don't think it's available in my province (newfoundland) as the city I'm in is very small, did you find it really helpful though?

Dialectical behavior therapy it teaches you mindfulness, coping skills, Interpersonal effectiveness skills and much more. I am still struggling with my Interpersonal Effectiveness but have improved so much.

Dialectical behavior therapy it teaches you mindfulness, coping skills, Interpersonal effectiveness skills and much more. I am still struggling with my Interpersonal Effectiveness but have improved so much.
Tell her how you found this type of therapy. How does it work?

I found it off another site I belonged to that was a support site for people who Self Injure. I was hospitalized at a later time and mentioned to the psych doc about DBT. I am in Canada and it was covered by our provincial health care. There was a wait list and I had to wait about a year to get into the program.
I did rebel as there were rules and as with most people with BPD no one could tell me what to do or how to talk, and act. I never verbalized them though I am sure they could tell. Now that I think back the rules did make sense as they were in place so we did not become protectors of others in the program. Most BPD have issues saying no and sticking to it I was told and yes I was one of them.
For me it started with a meeting with the psych doc and therapist. They evaluated to make sure I was a good fit for the program. That was just talking to me and figuring out if I was ready for it. If you are not willing to work at it then the program will not work.
Next I was set up with weekly meetings with my primary therapist until a spot opened up in skills group. She started working with me on skills until I could get in the group. I was expected to fill out a daily diary card listing my moods, if I abused drugs or alcohol, if I Self Injured, if I was suicidal. I would rate them as well on a scale. As I learned skills I was expected to practice them daily.
Mindfulness. Easy way to explain that is to say you are concentrating on one thing only. If your mind wanders you acknowledge it and bring it back. This can be used to bring high emotions down so you can focus on using other skills.
The other skills is all about dealing with everyday life and coping. It teaches you how to cope without self injuring or suicidal plans. It is hard work but in my opinion so worth it.
DBT Self Help (http://www.dbtselfhelp.com)
This is the site they recommended we use if we needed extra reminders of the skills.
I was in skills group for about a year. I took it twice for the extra knowledge.
After skills group is generalization group which is peer lead with a therapist there in case we need clarification. The rules are much less in this group as we have learned how to state what we need or if we are uncomfortable with what they were asking of us. I was in that one for about 6 months. Then I graduated
I will say that most times you are taken off medication in the program as they want you to learn skills and how to use them and not rely on medication. They go by what you need for you to be safe.
Umm WG not sure if this is enough and I hope I explained it correctly.

Nice job of explaining, mogrann!