Hi guys, it’s my first time here. Ok well I've been dating my partner now for 16 months, she is lovely, caring, and in so many ways just perfect. I’m madly in love and things lately have been rather tough. We have a couple of hours between us so seeing her on weekends only has been the norm. However I have offered the occasional mid-week sleep over but she wants time with her daughter, so I guess I cop it on the chin there.

In the beginning we would always talk about the future, however lately if I even mention it she goes quiet and doesn’t say much at all. She often said she doesn’t think about it too much. I’m 38 and she’s 29 and the push for marriage and babies are what she always talks about. At my age I guess I would rather have kids sooner than later, as I’m not getting any younger. I mean we talk all the time and in general we go about things good.

The things I often worry about are to do with the ex husband. They have a strange relationship I think, so I guess that’s why I’m here to see if anyone here agrees. Ok he has in the past been very nasty to her, things he says etc. but she justifies it because a day later he says sorry. I’m not allowed to be left alone with her daughter because they made a pact unless they both know the person then it’s a NO. I question her on this and ask "if you want a future with me then why are you making pacts, and also he’s never going to want to know me. But she said it’s an agreement they made but down the track it will be OK. If she needed to pop out for 5 minutes at the most she takes her daughter with her, I get really offended. She is always the one doing the drop off and pick up of the daughter as she says it’s weird him honking the horn out the front, again I have said, it is how it is and over 12 months on and your still acting like this, her reply is he hasn’t gotten over it yet, so it’s easier this way.

There has been times when he is there and I call and she won’t answer, on the other hand if I’m there and he calls she answers and almost every time walks out of the room, which I find bizarre. They text each other during the day about things that go on in general, again, I don’t bother doing this with my ex-wife, it’s odd I think. She gets nervous when we are out and about fearing we will run into him, he knows about us, what’s the problem, he has known for over a year now. When he picks her daughter up he often has a cigarette and a coffee with her, yes she tells me, but I also find it odd, mainly because she keeps on saying he isn’t over it.

What’s hard is all these things going on and I have to accept it, not being there does make you think a lot. Her daughter had a dance concert 2 weeks ago, I was up there and when it came time for it, I was told I couldn’t go because her ex would get hurt and he doesn’t want to share his daughter, so my partner said I couldn’t go as it would be a rub in his face. I left and went home, yes maybe the wrong thing but I thought, no I’m here to spend time with you, not be pushed aside for 2 hours twiddling my thumbs.

We have had heated arguments over things and I tell her she needs to move forward and our relationship is going nowhere, her response is... I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not allowed to get public transport to her place as he works at the train terminal and he might see me, she said it’s a rub in his face What?? I’m just not sure if it is eventually going to go anywhere, I just don’t know what to think. I want to see more of her, and see some progress, but sometimes phone calls and texts don’t cut it. I just feel like a lost soul at the moment, so much has happened. What are some signs to look out for? I just don’t know anymore.

Stay out of her personal business with the ex, and respect the boundaries she sets with THEIR daughter.

Dude you better slow down, as a boyfriend of a year and a half really has no priority of a child or ex. Not to her any way, and I suspect you are a temporary distraction as she transitions from her former married life.

Back off a bit with your future expectation. Forget marriage and kids for now, and just date when you can, and not tie yourself to her star. She isn't nearly a ready for a deep comitment as you are, and has a long way to go.

Personally, I think its wise to be careful with anyone who has a child and an ex still very active in their life.

After reading all that, I have now left the relationship -- and I think you should too. I don't see the situation improving. And once you and she are married and pregnant and have a child/children, then what will she do to spare him pain? He seems to have a very strange hold on her.

Thanks for the response, I understand what your trying to say and I do try and stay out of what goes on. I am a good person and just want too be happy. Im happy to rest the talk about babies and marriage but she is the one that does bring these subjects up, she always stops and looks at engagement rings in shop windows but again I get confused. I think part of my problem is all of her expectations in the beginning, all her wants, her needs etc. Now Im just a little lost. I dedicate all my spare time to her, frustration in LDR's.

This sounds like a very complicated relationship. She has an ex and a child and that child must come first. Her relationship with him may never change, so you need to decide if you can deal with this until their child is 18+. It may be easier to meet someone without children. If you don't mind spending all your spare time dealing with her, then continue, but remember that you aren't getting any younger.

I think you all have valid points, I spent the weekend with her and it all finally fell apart. I was about to wash my car and she said I couldn't because he might drive past... I shook my head and said, we have been together for a while now, he has known for a long time too, however you still hide our relationship. She bit back and said, no it's the drama and grief he gives her. I responded and said, how can we move forward if you and him play silly childish games, I left soon after and spoke a day ago. I told her I was also feeling lonely and her best response was "i still love you". In all of your opinions, she said I'm her soulmate, 6 months ago she said by xmas we would live together, I can't be seen in public with her as she worries running into her ex, he is nasty to her then the next day nice, she accepts it. Its doing my head in, is this what a SOULMATE does?

You can only take so much frustration, soul mate or NOT.