We have been together for about three and half years. During our relationship we have broken up two times. The first about a year after dating and I confronted him about what a girl told me, that he and another girl were always talking on the phone (we were still in high school, I know this sounds immature). We ended up breaking up after talking for about two hours because he said our relationship seemed like it had taken it's course (these words still haunt me today). After about a week of being broken up, he was dating the phone call girl. They dated for about a week all of which he was making small talk with me (assumingly to make sure I was not completely hurt by him, which I WAS). A month later we are back together, sold for the next year and a half. My old best friend and I meet up to catch up and she informs me that at that the parties they are both at he has been kissing a few girls. Upon hearing this news I break up with him but he wants to make things work. So we are trying and then one night at a party we both go to, we get into a deep talk (which never happens since he is so calm and mellow, hiding his emotions all the time), during this coversation I see him cry for the first time in the time I have known him. He was crying about what he had done to me and how he was stressed about what to do about college (he is a great baseball player and had many scholarship offers) and also his best friends were all going to separate schools. Many things were going on at the time of his graduation, all the change, things everyone feels when this day approaches. I feel he had finally had a break through with me. Then hours later at the party he gets insanely drunk and I see him kissing a girl. I tell him we are done and that is that. The next day he is telling me I know it is wrong but we can work past this. He is always one to confess his feelings for me through songs and texts. Face to face occasionally too. A few afters saying and begging for me to work on things with him he suddenly has a change of heart and just stops talking to me and says we just can't do it, he has hurt me too bad. (His mother is very controlling and had always said he cannot hurt me like he has and needs to put me before himself, I to this day feel as though the talk she had with him after the party had signicant influence on him dropping us.) We go months without talking other than the occasional being jealous of a new fling kind of thing. He goes to college in the fall and then for my birthday (Nov. 16, fall still), he asks to take me to. We work on having a relationship again while at school. Around Christmas time we are done again. No reasoning he just thinks we needed to be friends. He began talking to an older girl from his hometown. Valentine's day comes around and he asks me to his Valentine, it's awkward at first and we start it off as friends. Since Valentine's day we have been great, there is a noticeable change, as in he has grown up a little and matured, from when we first broke up and the time of his graduation. During the break up, many changes happened for the both of us. Especially him, he had very devastating things happen. He has never been one to talk aboout his feelings and does not think it is okay for men to cry. He has never had his father around and you can tell how much he loves his dad and how much he wantst to be there for my boyfriend but he is just incapable of it for some reason. I know my boyfriend hurts and we have had a few break through coversations but they are so rare. I love him so much and I want him to trust me, I want him to talk to me so he doesn't have to hurt inside (although he does not express any hurt inside). He goes to parties on the weekend with his high school guy friends. They all are so crazy and drink a whole lot. After he asked me multiple times to go to college with him (I graduated a year after him) so we didn't have to be apart and could be together more since he has a very busy schedule of work 5:30 am and then classses all day and baseball practice to end the day. I always said no, I didn't think he was serious and then one day after he started talking about it in depth (living together was something he always talked about I didn't know if he was serious or just talking the talk, so I tried not to think much of it... over thinking is like my job if you cannot tell). Once I realized he was serious I began to apply to college he was attending and got accepted and told him. So now we are living together. We see each other every day at least for five minutes. But these weekend parties make me nervous because of the past and I am also an insecure person. I ask him about things and he reassures me he would never do anything to jeopordize our relationship again or anythingt we have at this point. All of my heart wants to believe this but in my head I cannot stop telling myself he is settling for me. I am very homesick and I have realized I am sad a lot and am honestly trying to change this but it gets even worse when he gets annoyed with my constant bringing up of the past and just shuts down and all hope for that deep conversation is gone. I get this feeling he wants to be single because his friends are single and just living it up and the shows he watches they are single too and just party and act like cool guys. He is a definite conformer and does what is cool. I want my boyfriend, the one who I saw cry, the one with an actual caring and pleasing heart to be there all the time. There is nothing wrong with him and for some reason he does not realize this. He is the biggest people pleaser, he wants to make everyone laugh and everyone to be happy. He hates hurting people (despite all the hurt he can cause me). I am so afraid he is settling because he knows how much I care about him and if he just stays with me he may not be hurting me (these are my words, or the theory I have come up with). I'm just so scared he isn't truly happy. When I have asked him lately if he is happy and wants to be with me and not single, he just says yes you know I am why do you keep asking dumb questions. It's been great being with him but such an adjustment being together day in and day out, I am so much more insecure about what he thinks of me. He can tell me I'm beautiful all day but I still think he's joking. My mom knows me better than anyone and knows I am such an insecure person and thinks I need to just talk to my boyfriend but I don't want him to not be honest or not talk at all. He doesn't invite me to the parties he goes to and I am not going to ask to go. I am not a big partier and very awkward to be around when I am drinking. I want him to think I am fun and not be ashamed of me but I am clueless if he wants this too...