Ravenmane
Nov 15, 2012, 08:29 PM
I apologize now for the long post ahead of time...
My boyfriend of two years and I found out two months ago that I am pregnant. We've had our share of rough times which, I will not lie, has caused him to change the way he was treating me a lot. Before we met, He was married with a 5 year old son and I was as well with a 7 year old daughter. We had met right after his divorce and have been together since. Back in May he left for 6 weeks for military training and came back the man I fell in love with. He came back saying that being away he really saw what he has at home and was grateful I never gave up on us even when he wanted to and that the dreams we wanted can finally become reality... starting a family and getting married. After arriving back from training, he said he wanted to let things happen naturally, meaning not use any protection to prevent anymore. Having a life with him has always been what I wanted so I was on board. It didn't take long for us to have the same problems again...
He met his ex wife and married her from Holland and she came to the states with him and their son before they got divorced so that he would be able to be close to his son. Well she does not have any family here and he is her sole source of support. For a long time he was supporting her financially until she finally got a job. Even with their divorce, he himself, decided to give her an extra $500 a month on top of the child support and alimony because he wants her to feel secure with living here so that she doesn't tell him she wants to move away with his son. Basically to keep her happy. While they have joint custody, he knows he has rights but also knows that if she tells him calmly that she cannot survive here or needs to be by her family, consciously he has no choice but to let her go. Living with this fear has been haunting for him and he has since dug himself in a very bad financial hole trying to help her. He is so afraid she will be upset for any reason that he is always walking on egg shells with her feelings. I know for a fact that there is nothing romantic there because of the way they talk to each other. He is very brief and abrasive and to the point with her so I do feel its all about the fear of losing his son. He has had his own issues with his father who abandoned his family for another woman and till this day, he has not talked to his father but is still hurt by it. I feel that this could be a big reason as to why he's so scared to let go of his son.
Here's where I come in... After we found out I am pregnant, it took him several days to tell me that he can't do this, how he isn't financially capable or in a place in his life where he can be a father to another child because he feels he's barely a father to his 5 year old. He told me that if I have it, he would pay child support but will not recognize the baby. He doesn't want it to have his name or anything and said that an abortion is what he wanted. I was devastated. I even told him to that I would consider adoption to which he refused and said that it would be too hard to go through with that. After two weeks of agony, I told him that I would have the abortion and since I just started school full time, that he needs to come up with the money. We agreed that he would provide the money for the procedure and for another two weeks we didn't talk about it at all. Things were starting to get better and he was starting to show signs that he was caring about my pregnancy. I thought he was coming around. Two weeks after that, he found out his ex wife lost her job. This was big because she is the type that will milk him and use their son to make him feel bad into supporting her even though half of his paycheck already goes to her. The beginning of October he even went and resigned our apartment lease for another year! I had been noticing he was acting a little strange ever since we found out I was pregnant. Like staying in his car to talk on the phone for over an hour instead of coming in the house, or making excuses to leave at odd hours of the day. It wasn't until mid October that I saw he had a call from an ex girlfriend who lives in Europe. I know he had history with this girl and if he was talking to her, it was trouble, not just a friendship. When I confronted him, he try to deny it but after an hour of drilling him, he finally admit that he was "entertaining" other women because he was tired of me and our problems. That he has given me so much time to make a difference and I haven't that now it's at a point where he no longer feels like he "needs" me the way he use to. I cried and begged and ultimately he said he was done. During this whole time, I kept asking for money for my abortion and he kept avoiding it. We finally agreed that he was suppose to move out in two weeks but up until now it's been like I"m living with Jackal and Hyde. He would still kiss me bye when he left, slept in the same bed, cuddle me, kiss me, still showed affection but kept reminding me every several days that he's still leaving.
Meanwhile, for the last two months I've been asking for the abortion and he kept saying he will get it. I know money was tight so when he got a big bonus check a month ago, he told me it will be for the abortion. Everyday I asked for the money and he kept saying he hasn't gotten to depositing it. It finally came to the point where I told him that if he didnt provide the money in two weeks, that it will be too late and I will not have it done anymore because she will be too big. That didnt stop him from waiting until the day before my deadline to tell me he would deposit it the next day. I was furious and when I asked him why he waited until now when he knew I was pregnant for two months, he just said, "it doesn't matter why, I will have the money tomorrow. Besides, it's a lot of money and I have a lot of bills." Honestly, I can't fathom why it wouldn't be an urgent matter for him especially when he was so adamant about not wanting anything to do with it???
When I finally went to the doctor, I realized that for me it's too late. The baby was too far along and I cannot go through with it. When I told him, he said, "that's fine, do what you want with it. If you can't raise it, give it away because my feeling haven't changed. I can't be a dad to it. My son can barely accept me being a house hold with you because he thinks I have a new family." I know he's also afraid that if his ex wife finds out she will be more inclined to move away with his son since her child support will be cut due to this baby. He also said that since she lost her job, he was moving to live a friend for free and the money he was saving from the expenses with me, he can help her if she needed it.
I am so sad and confused. Why would he go sign a lease for another year with me if he didn't love or need me anymore? He swears its not because of the girl in Europe but he is spending more and more time on the phone with her and always comes home afterward with some reiteration about how we are over and he's leaving but then he still shows his affection toward me. He admit that he isn't sure of what he's doing and that leaving me might be a mistake because he still does love me. But for now, he needs to see what it's like on the other side, basically to be free and single to do whatever he wants because he never had time to be on his own after the divorce. I would understand this if it was just him and I but a child is involved and running away from me seems like a short term solution to all of his problems. I am so alone and I wreck my brain trying to analyze why he is doing what he's doing especially when he says he still loves me. How can a man who would do so much for his son turn around and abandon my baby and me like this? Please, from a man's point of view... is it just fear? Why did he wait so long to give me the money for that abortion if all he wants is out? Please anything will help!!
My boyfriend of two years and I found out two months ago that I am pregnant. We've had our share of rough times which, I will not lie, has caused him to change the way he was treating me a lot. Before we met, He was married with a 5 year old son and I was as well with a 7 year old daughter. We had met right after his divorce and have been together since. Back in May he left for 6 weeks for military training and came back the man I fell in love with. He came back saying that being away he really saw what he has at home and was grateful I never gave up on us even when he wanted to and that the dreams we wanted can finally become reality... starting a family and getting married. After arriving back from training, he said he wanted to let things happen naturally, meaning not use any protection to prevent anymore. Having a life with him has always been what I wanted so I was on board. It didn't take long for us to have the same problems again...
He met his ex wife and married her from Holland and she came to the states with him and their son before they got divorced so that he would be able to be close to his son. Well she does not have any family here and he is her sole source of support. For a long time he was supporting her financially until she finally got a job. Even with their divorce, he himself, decided to give her an extra $500 a month on top of the child support and alimony because he wants her to feel secure with living here so that she doesn't tell him she wants to move away with his son. Basically to keep her happy. While they have joint custody, he knows he has rights but also knows that if she tells him calmly that she cannot survive here or needs to be by her family, consciously he has no choice but to let her go. Living with this fear has been haunting for him and he has since dug himself in a very bad financial hole trying to help her. He is so afraid she will be upset for any reason that he is always walking on egg shells with her feelings. I know for a fact that there is nothing romantic there because of the way they talk to each other. He is very brief and abrasive and to the point with her so I do feel its all about the fear of losing his son. He has had his own issues with his father who abandoned his family for another woman and till this day, he has not talked to his father but is still hurt by it. I feel that this could be a big reason as to why he's so scared to let go of his son.
Here's where I come in... After we found out I am pregnant, it took him several days to tell me that he can't do this, how he isn't financially capable or in a place in his life where he can be a father to another child because he feels he's barely a father to his 5 year old. He told me that if I have it, he would pay child support but will not recognize the baby. He doesn't want it to have his name or anything and said that an abortion is what he wanted. I was devastated. I even told him to that I would consider adoption to which he refused and said that it would be too hard to go through with that. After two weeks of agony, I told him that I would have the abortion and since I just started school full time, that he needs to come up with the money. We agreed that he would provide the money for the procedure and for another two weeks we didn't talk about it at all. Things were starting to get better and he was starting to show signs that he was caring about my pregnancy. I thought he was coming around. Two weeks after that, he found out his ex wife lost her job. This was big because she is the type that will milk him and use their son to make him feel bad into supporting her even though half of his paycheck already goes to her. The beginning of October he even went and resigned our apartment lease for another year! I had been noticing he was acting a little strange ever since we found out I was pregnant. Like staying in his car to talk on the phone for over an hour instead of coming in the house, or making excuses to leave at odd hours of the day. It wasn't until mid October that I saw he had a call from an ex girlfriend who lives in Europe. I know he had history with this girl and if he was talking to her, it was trouble, not just a friendship. When I confronted him, he try to deny it but after an hour of drilling him, he finally admit that he was "entertaining" other women because he was tired of me and our problems. That he has given me so much time to make a difference and I haven't that now it's at a point where he no longer feels like he "needs" me the way he use to. I cried and begged and ultimately he said he was done. During this whole time, I kept asking for money for my abortion and he kept avoiding it. We finally agreed that he was suppose to move out in two weeks but up until now it's been like I"m living with Jackal and Hyde. He would still kiss me bye when he left, slept in the same bed, cuddle me, kiss me, still showed affection but kept reminding me every several days that he's still leaving.
Meanwhile, for the last two months I've been asking for the abortion and he kept saying he will get it. I know money was tight so when he got a big bonus check a month ago, he told me it will be for the abortion. Everyday I asked for the money and he kept saying he hasn't gotten to depositing it. It finally came to the point where I told him that if he didnt provide the money in two weeks, that it will be too late and I will not have it done anymore because she will be too big. That didnt stop him from waiting until the day before my deadline to tell me he would deposit it the next day. I was furious and when I asked him why he waited until now when he knew I was pregnant for two months, he just said, "it doesn't matter why, I will have the money tomorrow. Besides, it's a lot of money and I have a lot of bills." Honestly, I can't fathom why it wouldn't be an urgent matter for him especially when he was so adamant about not wanting anything to do with it???
When I finally went to the doctor, I realized that for me it's too late. The baby was too far along and I cannot go through with it. When I told him, he said, "that's fine, do what you want with it. If you can't raise it, give it away because my feeling haven't changed. I can't be a dad to it. My son can barely accept me being a house hold with you because he thinks I have a new family." I know he's also afraid that if his ex wife finds out she will be more inclined to move away with his son since her child support will be cut due to this baby. He also said that since she lost her job, he was moving to live a friend for free and the money he was saving from the expenses with me, he can help her if she needed it.
I am so sad and confused. Why would he go sign a lease for another year with me if he didn't love or need me anymore? He swears its not because of the girl in Europe but he is spending more and more time on the phone with her and always comes home afterward with some reiteration about how we are over and he's leaving but then he still shows his affection toward me. He admit that he isn't sure of what he's doing and that leaving me might be a mistake because he still does love me. But for now, he needs to see what it's like on the other side, basically to be free and single to do whatever he wants because he never had time to be on his own after the divorce. I would understand this if it was just him and I but a child is involved and running away from me seems like a short term solution to all of his problems. I am so alone and I wreck my brain trying to analyze why he is doing what he's doing especially when he says he still loves me. How can a man who would do so much for his son turn around and abandon my baby and me like this? Please, from a man's point of view... is it just fear? Why did he wait so long to give me the money for that abortion if all he wants is out? Please anything will help!!